Little Pieces (of me and you)
by justsotv
Summary: [REPOST] AU: Quinn is living in a mental institution and after having to deal with a roommate that tried to eat her hair, she honestly didn't believe any replacements would trigger as many feelings on her. Well this one did, but a whole new kind of feeling. - TW: Self-Harming, Suicide Thoughts.
1. Prologue

**Author's Note**

When I started writing this story I wasn't in a very good place. Three years ago I was a senior in High School and had a little too much on mind. This story was my outlet and one of the few things that kept me happy when I needed the most. But as time passed, I found myself with no time to be as dedicated to this story as I wanted to, so eventually I took it down. However, I hold these characters dear to my heart and never deleted any of the files - as well as never erased them from the back of my mind.

Last week I was touched by a reader, that took her time to find me because she still remembered my story and wanted me to continue it. I don't know if people still read Faberry fanfiction after all this time and after what we all went through with Glee. But if you do read this, I want to ask that you **please comment**. Your comments are the only thing that will motivate to keep this going.

Editing this and reposting it makes me visit some parts of my memories that I never wish to live again. My life changed completely since then, but most importantly, I changed for better and for good. I can't promise regular updates, but I'll be here and try to do as often as I can, because I hope this story can help at least one person that is going through hard times.

And I want you to know, that if you relate to this story at all, and ever need someone to talk to: I'm here. Don't ever hesitate on sending me a message.

I hope you guys enjoy Little Pieces!

xx


	2. From the moment I knew: Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - From The Moment I knew

Quinn woke up to screams. Waking up to nightmares was a frequent event in her days. She squeezed her shuteyes closer together, trying to make it all disappear. As the noise only became louder, she groaned and buried her face under the pillow.

But that morning, it wasn't a nightmare. Hearing the door open and the screaming coming closer and closer made her realize none of her efforts of trying to block the noise would make it go away. She stayed as still as she could: maybe if they thought she was asleep they wouldn't bother her.

"Good morning Mrs. Fabray, it's a beautiful day for you to meet your new roommate!"

Well, it was a nightmare after all. But a real one, this time.

Quinn got up from under the pillow quickly, sitting up with her eyes open in startle as she realized that whoever was responsible for such loud screams would now share a room with her. She tilted her head to see behind the nurse and wiped the sleep out of her eyes. As soon as she was adjusted to the brightness of the room, she got the sight of a girl. The petite and brunette girl clutched on to the walls with eyes as wide as they could get and red from all the crying. At least she had ceased to scream and now only whimpered, with her lower lip trembling, while looking around clearly panicking.

Quinn could still remember the day she first got in. It wasn't much different than that. There were only a few of them who would check in on their own will, and she sure wasn't one of them.

She was woken up out of her trance with her nurse talking again.

"Come on Quinn, you've already missed breakfast! Take your meds and go see your doctor now, alright?"

She approached Quinn with a cup of water and a tiny plastic cup with three little pills. Two pink ones, and one yellowish. The yellowish always made her feel silly and dizzy, so she kept it hidden behind her teeth when she opened her mouth for the nurse to check whether or not she had swollen them all. It helped that the pill was not that big, and the nurse was not that experienced.

When she first got there, she would take eight pills. Even though her improvement could be confirmed by the decrease in the amount of medication, she didn't feel any better. As a matter of fact, she was just feeling worse each day.

She got up rumbling and went to the bathroom. As soon as she closed the door, the yellowish pill was flushed down the toilet.

Now she could go on with her morning ritual.

She didn't rush herself, though: the later she got, the less she had to talk to the therapist. And she sure as hell didn't want to talk.

She looked at the mirror and sighed deeply. She would give anything in the world to recognize herself in there, but all she saw now was some thin blonde hair falling around a lifeless face, with bruised, tired hazel eyes on the middle.

When she finally got out of the bathroom the nurse had already left. In the room there was only the new girl, curled up in fetal position on a corner, rocking herself back and forth. Well, as long as she kept herself quiet, Quinn didn't mind her presence there.

Quinn walked as slowly as she could - if someone complained she could always blame the pills for making her lethargy. She kept her head down the whole way, crossing her fingers and hoping no one would try to approach her. Yet, her hazel eyes wouldn't stop wandering around.

So many hidden devices she could use for self-relief. The rusted iron nail loose in the cleaning cart. A lath hanging in the bottom of one of the doors. Needles. She closed her eyes, imagining how they would feel against her skin.

Sighing deeply and shaking the thoughts out of her head, she knocked on the door, entering when hearing the permission.

Four months of doing the exactly same thing every day. Sitting on that chair, and answering the doctor's questions with answers that got shorter everyday - usually her words wouldn't have more than one syllable.

She knows that if she doesn't change her ways, she is never getting out.

But those are her problems. She doesn't want a random doctor to know her _stuff_.

The session takes longer than usual today. The doctor spends more and more time lecturing her. Like she hadn't heard all of that before. But she is not sick. She knows she isn't. The thing is: she is the only one who can actually see the world while everybody else is still blind. But the whole world, their whole lives, everything, it's all just lies. And she doesn't want to lie to herself anymore.

"How do you like your new roommate, Quinn?"

That damn pen. She wasn't even saying anything, what was there for that doctor to spend so much time scribbling down?

She shrugged to the question. She hadn't formed an opinion yet. So far the girl didn't seem that bad. At least not compared to her old roommate, who tried to eat Quinn's hair while she was asleep. Quinn shivered, remembering how weird it was to wake up to that.

"What's on your mind, Quinn? I noticed that you shivered. What caused that reaction?"

Quinn growled. The damn woman caught everything.

* * *

As she marched back to her room, she could see two patients bubbling in a corner. She knew they were talking about her. Everyone does. She's known as the grumpy one in the institution: a whole floor with old moribund people, and she was elected the grumpy one. Impressive, even for herself.

She doesn't care about what they say about her though. Her whole life people judged every choice she made, why wouldn't they do the same there? But she couldn't help the anger building up inside her when she saw it happening. Clenched fists and had she not being conscious enough to know this decision would only bring her more problems to deal with, she would have made a mess out of those two patients.

Inside her room she could see that, even though the girl was still in her little corner, she had moved while Quinn wasn't there. Her bags had been unpacked and tucked under her bed. Quinn sat on her bed and kept a deep frown in her face as she analyzed the way the girl disposed her things around the room.

At least she didn't touched Quinn things, so Quinn wouldn't have to fight her.

There was nothing on the TV, like always.

She could go to the music room. Or the arts room. But that would require talking to people and she wasn't in the mood for that. So she just stood there, sitting in her bed, with her hands lying on her lap.

Not much time passed, and she had already started feeling anxious. Idleness often had this effect on her. The new girl who just wouldn't stop weeping wasn't of any help either.

She wanted to pick on her nails, but there was no nail left to be picked on. She felt as if a ball was growing inside her throat. She wasn't sure if she would still be able to breath in a minute or two. She could scream to let it out, but that would show her weakness.

Her fingers were restless. She looked at the scars in her arms and all she could remind was the peace she felt after cutting.

The feeling wouldn't stop growing inside her, and her eyes started to tear up. But she would not cry. She shut them tightly trying to make the feeling go away before trying to do some exercises she learned that were suppose to help.

They didn't.

She grabbed her pillow and buried her face on it, biting it with her full mouth to relief the tension.

It didn't help.

She caught the elastic bands the nurse gave her to snap on her wrist when she felt like cutting.

It didn't help either.

That was pretty much what brought her there in the first place. If she couldn't cut, the feeling wouldn't stop building up inside of her, and her head would be flooded with awful thoughts and right now, if she had a way of doing it, she would kill herself in a blink.

That's the only way she could think where she would feel in peace with herself.

She hates her ex-best-friend for telling her parents that she cut herself. She hates her parents for putting her in here. She hates the government for deciding that she could not kill herself, after all, it was her life and they had nothing to do with it. She hates the guy that got her pregnant last year.

Oh, the guy that got her pregnant last year. He's the one she blames the most. She had a perfect life: married happy parents, captain of her school's cheerleader team, leader of the celibacy club, a good Christian, a great student, and an excellent daughter.

Until the day he convinced her that a couple wine coolers would do her no bad.

Her life went downhill after that. She couldn't be a cheerleader anymore, and clearly wasn't suitable for the celibacy club. Her father kicked her out of home, and her mother divorced him for that. Her church wouldn't welcome her anymore. She lost all the influence she had in school.

Instead, she got 30 pounds fatter, tones of stretch marks in her hips, belly and thighs, and nine months later: a baby.

The baby could have been her salvation, something for her to hold on to.

But she couldn't do that to the little girl. She loved her too much already. The baby girl hadn't done anything wrong, she deserved everything that was good in this world, and Quinn knew she wouldn't be able to provide that.

And just like that, she lost the last thing that was keeping her sanity together.

She took a deep breath and felt a tear slip from the corner of her eyes. She was a masochist to revisit that part of her brain. The back of her hand swiftly wiped the tear away and hoped that at least her daughter was okay. That was the only thought that could make all the suffering she was going through worthy.

By the new girl's bed, she saw a desk. A perfectly even organized desk with a drawing kit on its top. That distracted her mind for a few seconds. Was her new roommate an artist? She kind of liked artists. The free spirit they have. The way they saw the world. She admired them for what she knew she would never be able to do.

The sun hit said desk, throwing a streak of light in her eyes that made all the other thoughts vanish away. She felt a small moan slipping out of her mouth as she thought what might have sent that streak.

She got up quickly, setting of the new girl, who curled up harder and started mumbling.

"Please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me"

She growled at the girl, aiming at the drawing kit and right there, next to some crayons, she saw what she needed. She couldn't help but smile, picking up a plastic ruler. She came back to her bed with it on her hands, where it stood. She twirled it between her fingers. Felt the edges against her thumb.

And she broke it.

She broke it, leaving a sharp edge. The new girl let out a small scream with the breaking noise but shut her mouth quickly when Quinn flashed her with one of her famous death glares.

Quinn took off her sweatpants. If she did on the top of her tights no one would see it, because it would disappear in the middle of the scars she already had and the multiple stretch marks.

She bit her lip in anticipation and fluttered her eyes, to be surprised with the new girl kneeling by her side, with her eyes focused on the half ruler.

Quinn hadn't seen her moving there, but she chose to ignore the girl. She didn't have time to waste, someone could come in any second now and her opportunity would be gone.

She slid the ruler against her skin, sighing in pleasure with the cutting sensation and throwing her head slightly back with her eyes closed.

But she froze instantly when she felt something on her new future scar. She opened her eyes to see the new girl rubbing her fingers together, as if she analyzed the texture of Quinn's blood.

The new girl drove her finger back to the wound and wiped away another droplet of blood. She cleaned her fingers in her shirt and then traced a circular pattern with her delicate fingers around the cut. Just as if she was trying to calm down the skin.

Quinn stayed still, astonished, unable to move. She held her breath and felt her lips trembling when the girl got up and ran to the bathroom.

Quinn panicked.

Was she gonna tell someone? She couldn't. Quinn would kill her.

The girl quickly returned with a pink Hello-Kitty Band-Aid. She looked deeply inside Quinn's eyes, somehow asking for permission, before taking the sticker off and taping it in the wound in a agile robot-like movement. She rubbed her finger on the bandage to smooth the surface before leaving a kiss on top of it and looking up to face Quinn.

It was a mechanic reaction. Like the girl had done that a million times. But it took Quinn off guard.

Quinn finally exhaled and blinked a few times holding the ruler so tight on her clenched fists that her hand started to hurt.

She had no idea of what had just happened.

She opened her mouth briefly a few times before letting out in a low whisper.

"Thank you"

The new girl started whimpering again and ran back to her corner, returning to her initial position, and rocking back and forth even faster than before. As if nothing had happened.

Quinn turned herself to look at the girl, still in shock with the quick turn out of events.

She swallowed thickly in her dry mouth.

"I'm Quinn, by the way"

Quinn didn't get any response, and for a few seconds she even wondered if she had really said anything. Or maybe if the girl actually could listen to her. But she couldn't move her eyes away from the girl. She urged to help the girl the way she just had been helped, but she was still too amazed to move.

For once, after a really long time, she felt.

She felt something.

She felt that maybe, just maybe, there was hope for her, after all.


	3. And it all came pouring out: Chapter 2

**Author's note:** Thank you all that read this and reviewed! I'm glad to see there's still people who love Faberry out there, and that other people still remember this! This story builds up slowly, but bear with me because I promise it will be worth it.

I need you guys opinion on something:

I have this story written out up until Chapter 15. Would guys rather have me post daily (or each other day) until I reach that chapter, and then start posting weekly as I write - or - have me post weekly to always keep the same frequency between updates? Please tell me what you want!

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

xx

* * *

Chapter 2 - And it all came pouring out

Quinn shifted in bed, trying to find a comfortable position, but after almost ten hours of sleep on her belly, her back started to complain.

She didn't want to wake up. Sleeping without dreaming was the closest to death she would ever have without actually being dead.

But turning around in bed without being able to fall asleep again was starting to make her feel anxious, so she decided to put an end to the struggle.

She turned to face the wall and took a deep breath before opening her eyes.

She still hoped that one day, when she opened her eyes, she would wake up to realize that all of this was just a dream.

That people didn't think she was crazy.

Or that death would be an option.

Today was not that day.

People who fear death. They just didn't make sense to her.

Okay, she got that if you were in a perfect marriage, had a perfect baby and a perfect life you wouldn't want to die. If you had just got a promotion at work, you wouldn't want to die. If you had everything that you ever dreamed of... No. The feeling of having not even one dream left would probably make you wanna die.

But back to the point: for someone like her, life was not something enjoyable. The prospect of getting better and having what she wanted wasn't enough, because deep down she knew about the chances of nothing ever working out.

It took a few minutes until her eyes were completely used to the brightness of the room, enhanced by the amount of white furniture and walls.

She knew she had to get up soon if she didn't want to miss breakfast again, but just like all the other days, she lacked the courage.

The door opened slowly.

Quinn furrowed her eyebrows, in curiosity. Usually the morning nurses were loud and annoying, to make sure the patients would wake up on time. Although with Quinn they had become more tolerant since they had learned that this kind of treatment would not be enough to get Quinn out of bed if she didn't want to. Instead, it would only make Quinn's attitude to become more difficult to deal with.

But they had never been this gentle and quiet. Quinn turned around to see what was going on.

"Oh, Mrs. Fabray! You're awake just in time for breakfast today!"

Quinn gave her a sarcastic smile before letting her face go blank again. But that only lasted for a second.

Where was the new roommate?

The questioning must have hit her just about the same time it hit the nurse, who went to check the bathroom. But she found it empty, and tried to stay calm.

"Mrs. Fabray?"

Quinn looked at her, her eyes filled with hatred. She was most definitely not a morning person. And people trying to maintain a conversation with her when she had _just_ woken up? Not a very good idea.

"Would you mind telling me where your new roommate is?"

Quinn huffed. What made her think that Quinn knew where she was? Hadn't she seen that Quinn had _just_ woken up? She shrugged and the nurse shook her head. Quinn knew how frustrating she could be, and didn't care at all.

But she couldn't deny that she was uneasy herself.

The roommate couldn't have left the room before the breakfast call because the door was locked, and they were in a floor too high for her to jump out of the window without getting hurt or noticed. Those were the only two obvious way out, since flushing yourself down the toilet was not an option, even for a tiny girl like her.

If that girl had found a way out in less than a day Quinn would be offended, to say the least.

Again, the realization must have hit the nurse and her at the same time, and they both glanced at the closed door of the closet.

The nurse approached it and opened the door slowly, but the velocity didn't matter: as soon as the inside of the closet was flashed with light, the brunette girl started weeping and hid her face further in between her crossed arms.

The nurse sighed and looked at Quinn who opened her eyes widely, as if saying that she had nothing to do with whatever made the girl do that.

The nurse shook her head again and walked to the door.

"Breakfast is served, try not to be late, _please._ "

Quinn ignored her and got off the bed, walking slowly towards the closet.

The closer she got, the louder the weeping got.

She knelt on the floor and the girl started trying to scoot away, but the wall against her back made the task impossible.

"Hey, easy..."

Quinn murmured with her hands up, as a sign of peace.

"I'm not gonna hurt you"

But her words didn't have the calming effect she was hoping for. The girl started looking up, seeking a way out, and clearly panicking.

Quinn could see the fear in her eyes. And it broke her heart.

She felt trapped. Just like Quinn did. And Quinn didn't want to be the reason for that feeling.

So Quinn closed the closet door gently, and instantly the crying stopped. She gave a weak smile and got up.

Her morning schedule was waiting for her.

* * *

The worst part of having breakfast is that when she was at the cafeteria she had no way of discharging the yellowish pill. And as soon as it hit her stomach, she wanted to throw up.

But she knew how things worked. If she threw up, she would have to take it again.

The dizziness was a constant factor. She had mentioned it when her doctor asked for feedback wanting to know about the side effects. However, when it came to this particular one, he said it was expected and that she should get used to it soon.

She had a feeling this was exactly what that pill was made for. When she felt dizzy like this, there was no space left in her body for the anxiety. She had to spend her time focusing on not falling while she walked, and making sure that the walls were not moving around, which left not time for trying anything they conceived as dangerous.

But that wasn't what made her angry about that pill.

She didn't feel so silly anymore. When she started taking it, she would laugh for hours, at the simplest things, like how her hand looked like or how shiny the aluminum from the pans in the kitchen were. Now, the only thing she felt was the urge to throw up and the feeling of not having control over her body.

The silliness was gone, and she knew what that meant.

Her body was getting used to it. Getting used to the drug.

Ironic. Some patients got there to get rid of the dependence of drugs. She saw how hard they fought against it. She saw how destroyed their families were. Yet, she got there to get better, and they were turning her to an addicted, just like the ones she saw.

* * *

When she got back from breakfast, the girl was still locked inside the closet.

When she got back from therapy, the girl was still locked inside the closet.

When she got back from lunch, the girl was still locked inside the closet.

Didn't she have to go to the bathroom or something? There's no way she could spend the whole day there.

Quinn bit her lip, sitting on the edge of her bed.

She was disappointed.

With everything that happened the night before she had hoped her life would change dramatically now. She hoped things would finally start getting better.

But sitting there, in the empty room was just a constant reminder of the hollowness placed inside of her.

She hadn't talked to anyone but the hospital staff – and only when she absolutely _had_ to – in such a long time that she couldn't even remember how it felt.

She urged for some kind of contact. She had long forgotten what it felt like to be close to someone. Not physically, but emotionally. To feel like you know someone and they know you. To have someone that understands you even when you don't understand yourself. Because that's exactly how she felt right now.

The thing is, she hated changes. She needed to feel in control to be in peace, and changes didn't make her feel that way. And by now, she had already got a fame. People didn't expect her to talk. So if she did, she didn't know how people would react. Not knowing how things would play out scared her.

All she knew is she couldn't stay in that room any longer. She had to runaway. She needed to clear her head.

* * *

She stopped by her bedroom before dinner but nothing had changed.

Same as when she came back from dinner, and heard the door being locked on the outside. It was bedtime.

But she was not sleepy at all. She couldn't believe the girl would stay inside the closet for so long. It had her intrigued.

She opened the closet door, but the weeping didn't start as she thought it would.

Instead, she saw the tiny brunette with her arms wrapped around her legs protectively and her head resting on her knee.

Quinn chewed her lower lip. She had never seen anyone looking so vulnerable and fragile. She felt her eyes getting teary, and she couldn't even explain why.

She was sleeping, but she shivered and frowned. Quinn figured the girl might have been dreaming. Maybe nightmares, just like the ones of her own.

She took a wrapping out of her coat pocket and placed it on the shelf near the girl, opening it slightly so she could see the cookies when she woke up.

She knew it was against the hospital policy, but is not like she cared about those rules anyway. How could they punish her? It's not like her _situation_ could get any worse than it was.

The girl shivered again.

Quinn wondered if she could be waking up, but her breath got even again. Quinn couldn't stop looking. After a few seconds she saw goosebumps on the girl's arm. She felt the urge to rub it out with her hands, easing whichever feeling the girl had.

Instead, Quinn got up and took the girl's blanket from her bed, bringing it to the closet, and gently placing on top of the girl before closing the door again and going to sleep.

Quinn was always trying to find explanation for things. She longed for a meaning, something that made everything make sense to her. But right now, she didn't understand her feelings or her reasons, and she couldn't care less.

All she knew was every time she looked down to her thighs and saw the Hello-Kitty Band-Aid a chuckle came out of her mouth. And her day felt a little less bad.

* * *

When Quinn got up the other day, the bed next to hers was still vacant. She sighed.

She was already in a bad mood, figuring the day wouldn't be any better, and she almost didn't see it.

Inside the trash can, next to the toilet, were the napkins that previously held the cookies, with not even one crumble on it.

She couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face.


	4. I can feel the heat: Chapter 3

**Author's note:** Thank you for reading and reviewing! I'll try to post daily while I still have chapters ready, and then we'll establish a new frequency once they're done.

Answering one of the Guest's reviews: Yes, this story has a lot of pain in it. But it has its fluffy chapters to counter balance.

I hope you enjoy! Review, please!

* * *

Chapter 3 - I can feel the heat (but I'm not burning)

The next day, on her way back to her room after lunch, Quinn heard something that caught her attention.

A nurse and the two head doctors were by the medicine's room door and Quinn couldn't help to over hear them.

"She's been here for almost a week now, and she still hasn't started taking her medicines. In fact, she hasn't left the room. She hasn't even eaten anything!"

Quinn gulped. The case sounded too familiar to her. She needed to stick around to hear more. She wanted to know what they were going to do about it.

But how could she do that without making it obvious? She couldn't just stand in the hallway because they would notice her presence and change the subject.

She looked around and found nowhere to hide.

"That doesn't sound accurate, she would be starving by now. There's nothing but water in their room."

"Are you sure she hasn't gone to the cafeteria while you were away or something like that?"

Quinn chuckled. How _dumb_ were those people?

Every night she left Rachel something to eat. She knew the girl must be hungry, so she started to bring more and more to the room. How could they not realize it was her?

"Well if she doesn't start eating-"

The doctor saw Quinn. His sentence was finished in almost a whisper.

"If the patient doesn't start accomplishing the basic tasks, you know what you have to do"

But Quinn didn't know.

Those were the doctor's last words before he flew away, with his shadow – or the other head doctor – right behind him.

They couldn't leave now. Not without explaining what they meant!

Before Quinn could think of anything, she saw herself hurrying in their direction and she had no time to stop herself before the words came out of her mouth.

"What do you guys plan on doing?"

The head doctor stopped abruptly, making Quinn almost trip on her on feet. He looked at her from head to toes, making Quinn nauseous, as he answered.

"You seem quite curious, Ms. Fabray."

He poked the other doctor with a smug face that showed how proud he was that Quinn started talking. As if his treatment was finally working.

"Are you going to tell me or not?"

"This doesn't concern you, lady. You don't need to worry, whatever we need to do will not be done in your room."

"You don't have to do anything, she's fine."

The doctor's smug face turned to a troubled one, and he knit his eyebrows together, looking to Quinn with the most condescending stare.

"You don't get a say on the procedures done in this hospital as you are a mere patient, Ms. Fabray. Now move along before I need to call someone to help you get back in your place."

Quinn's mouth hung open for a second. She just couldn't believe how she was treated and how belittling he was towards her. She felt like she needed to fight to ascertain her power – but at the same time she knew it would be hopeless and it would just cause her more trouble. She would need to find another way to prevent - whatever was going to happen – from happening

At the same time, she just couldn't walk away without doing anything.

In a swift swirl, she spitted right on the doctor's fancy shoe before disappearing in the hallway and leaving his yells unanswered.

It was to be seen the day where she would take such audacity from anyone.

* * *

It was incredible how fast _news_ traveled on that institution.

"I heard you talked to our doctors today, Quinn."

She shrugged.

"Why don't you tell me about it?"

"Don't act like you don't know exactly what I said and did."

The therapist nodded and wrote something down.

"I think we both know why you acted that way."

Quinn huffed and crossed her arms. She knew she probably looked like a spoiled five years old kid.

"Now you tell me the reasons behind my actions. You really think you know me, don't you?"

There was silence. For a minute Quinn thought she had won.

"Taking from the fact that you have never been bothered by any actions taken upon your old roommates – even severe ones, done right in front of you – one could only assume whatever is happening this time is being different than any other time''.

Quinn shook her head.

"I was just curious."

"And you have never been curious about the treatments of your other roommates before. Interesting, isn't it? Perhaps you're developing a passion for psychiatric medicine then?"

Under Quinn's silence, the doctor continued.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. You see, from what I see, you care for this roommate more than you did for others. That's quite evident. What we need to know is what makes you have this sudden change of attitude, taking that you never showed empathy for no one else before."

Quinn couldn't admit that she felt this same need to know what was happening. She couldn't give in to the therapist. And in her lack of words, she chose to close her eyes and remain in silence, avoiding what was being said to her.

"Maybe you could think a little about that, and we can discuss it on our next session".

"You wish"

Quinn grumbled getting up to leave.

* * *

Quinn knocked softly on the closet door, to check if it was okay for her to open. As it happened most nights, the girl was already asleep when Quinn opened the door.

She took the wrapped sandwich out from under her coat and placed by the girl's side.

Every other night, she would just close the door and proceed with her night habits before getting in bed.

But even though she didn't want to think about, she couldn't get out of her head everything the therapist had said. So she remained sitting outside of the closet. Watching the girl sleep for a while, she tried to figure out why she was going so out of her way to assure someone she didn't even knew would be okay.

Coming to no conclusion and exhausted from swiping through her mind, she got up. But before heading to her bead, she kneeled by the closet and gently ran her finger on the back of the girl's hand.

"You need to start cooperating… You have no idea what they can do to you."

She whispered, hoping the girl would hear and understand, even if subconsciously.

* * *

As soon as she stepped out of the cafeteria she heard loud screams. She prayed that it didn't come from her room, although she knew deep in her heart that it did.

Quinn bit her lip and walked faster than her usual pace, until she was sprinting down the hallway.

"You are not allowed to run in here!"

She heard someone yell, but didn't even bother to look back and check who it was. She just wanted to get to her room and find out what was happening.

"You have to take your medicines or we're gonna have to put you on an I.V treatment, Mrs. Berry!"

Quinn was finally close enough to the door to hear what was happening, and when she opened it, she found three nurses struggling to give the roommate her pills.

Two held her. One holding each arm, while the other tried to shove the pills inside the girl's mouth, who just cried, biting her lips closed and trying to escape from the other women.

"Hey!" Quinn screamed, and the main nurse looked back to her.

"Mrs. Fabray, this is not a good time."

The girl's eyes met Quinn's. Quinn could see the girl pleading to be let go.

"Get off her! Now!"

She yelled and tried to push the nurses away, but they didn't move.

"Mrs. Fabray calm down right now unless you want us to calm you down!"

She took a deep breath.

"Why are you doing this to her?!"

Quinn tried to stay calm but her heart was beating fast and she felt the urge to scream.

"She has to take her medications!"

Quinn laughed ironically.

"And you can't think of any other way of doing that?"

"She doesn't leave this closet not even to eat! She is not taking them any other way!"

Now they were both yelling.

"Why am I even discussing this with you? These are doctors orders, we have to follow them! It doesn't matter what _you_ think."

Quinn breathed in again and nodded before releasing the air.

"Can you- Can you just let go of her? Just let her go, please. Please."

The two nurses looked for the one holding the pills, seeking for approval. She nodded with a deep sigh and just by the time the girl was free she fell to the floor, crawling her way to the corner and curling up in a ball.

"We tried to talk to her but it's like she doesn't understand our language! She needs to come out of this room, she needs to eat!"

Quinn quirked one eyebrow up.

"She doesn't need to leave the room to eat."

"You know the rules, Quinn."

"Those rules are shit, why can't she eat in here?"

Quinn's voice got louder again. She looked down and realized that her hands were shaking. She breathed again. She had to calm down, or else she wouldn't be taken seriously.

The nurse started to whisper.

"The socialization is a part of the treatment!"

Quinn shook her head one more time.

"Clearly she is not ready to take that step. Why do you need to rush it? Just bring her food here already and once she is ready she will come out on her own!"

The nurse was still not convinced, but she pursued her lips and Quinn knew that she had planted the seed of doubt in her head. She was considering it. Quinn just had to talk a little more.

"Bring her food. She'll eat. She'll take her meds. With time, she will start to feel better. _Then_ you can try and get her out of the room."

"How do you know she will take her medicines?"

Quinn looked back to the girl. Even though her whole body was wrapped up, her eyes were still on them. Quinn knew she was listening. She knew she understood.

"I don't. I don't know. But I trust her. She will, I assure you."

"It's not that easy, Mrs. Fabray. I still have to check with the doctors."

''Yes, please! That's all I ask.''

The nurse nodded dubious with how politely Quinn was acting.

"That's the most I've ever seen you talk since you came here, Quinn."

The nurse said, with a small smile as she left the room with her coworkers.

Quinn was lucky this was one of the good nurses – the ones that actually cared about their patients. And she always felt this one, in particular, was rather amused by Quinn's bad mood in the mornings. If all of this had happened with one of the bad nurses, Quinn had no idea how everything could have turned out.

She sighed and gave the girl a sympathetic smile, but the brunette hid her face and started whimpering lowly.

Quinn wanted to kneel on the floor and wrap her arms around the girl. She wanted to tell her everything would be fine. She wanted to tell her no one would hurt her, because she wouldn't allow.

But she just lied on her bed and watched the girl cry.

* * *

Quinn got no replies from the staff, but they didn't come back to bother them again that day, and Quinn took that as a positive sign. She wasn't sure when she had become someone who looked for silver linings, but this sure felt like one.

The other day started just like the others. Rachel back in the closet, napkins back on the trash can.

Routines eased Quinn's anxiety.

"So... What happened yesterday, Quinn?"

Quinn said nothing.

"Mhm. Some said you were quite eloquent last night. Do you want to talk about that?"

Quinn said nothing again.

"It was very nice of you to do that. To stand up for her when she couldn't stand up for herself."

Quinn looked down. She felt suddenly shy.

"Did you think of what we talked about last session?"

Quinn shrugged.

"You know, I talk to the other doctors."

Well, now she got Quinn's attention.

"Maybe if you talked to me... Explained your point... Maybe I could try and help you out with that situation."

Quinn looked at her with disbelief and doubt.

"I'm not the monster you paint me as, Quinn. I am not against you. We're supposed to be fighting together for you to get better."

Quinn licked her lip and opened her mouth a few times before being able to formulate the phrase to come out exactly the way she wanted.

"They were trying to force the medicines on her!"

The therapist nodded and, of course, wrote it down.

"And you tried to show a better solution?"

"Yes. Precisely."

"Why do you feel so protective over her, Quinn?"

She frowned.

"I don't."

The therapist shook her head.

"You didn't care about your other roommates. We have established that. But I can see this time is different, and so can you. As you said so many times before, you're not crazy."

Yes, Quinn could see it too. But she didn't understand why. Of course, the girl helped her and she was trying to pay back, but now it felt like more than that.

"I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your body language. The way you were sitting, your expression, the way you moved: it all changed when I mentioned her."

Well now the doctor was clearly overreacting. Quinn worried about the girl, but not _that_ deeply. The questioning did make her unease, though.

"Why?"

"You tell me"

"I don't know" Quinn whispered.

"I think you are doing to her what you wish someone had done for you. You wished someone had helped you when you were going through your _troubles._ You wished someone had showed you another way to deal with it. You wished someone had stood up for you when you were fragile. You wished someone had protected you." She finished with a lower voice, as she realized Quinn mind was running through her words.

Quinn stood still, her mind being flashed with the memories of the lonely nights, crying alone in her bedroom and trying to think of a way of telling her parents about what was happening. Her hand involuntarily flew to rest on her belly, and she felt her heart aching when she remembered that what she was looking for was no longer there.

She hated that look in her therapist's eyes. That look of accomplishment, that look that said she finally got Quinn to talk, she finally got Quinn to think.

* * *

When Quinn got back to her room that night she found a tray with an empty plate and glass on top of it, and the smile that spread on her face made her muscles hurt.

She heard the click of the door being locked that told her it was time to go to bed.

She was about to lay down when she found a tiny piece of paper rolled on the top of her pillow.

She unrolled it carefully and in the light blue paper, the dark blue ink read:

"Thank you"

She looked back to the closet door and smiled again.

That night, she slept with the shred of paper inside her closed fist, pressed against her chest.

But when she woke up in the morning to find out that the sweat of her hand had made the ink on the paper get blurry and the message impossible to read, she felt her eyes getting teary.

And she wondered why something so little could mean so much.


	5. Hold on to this lullaby: Chapter 4

**Author's note:** Hey guys! A guest in the reviews mentioned that they couldn't understand what I meant in some phrases. I apologize! English is not my first language and I'm aware I need a lot of improvement. I'll would just like to ask that if you guys don't understand something, please tell me and I'll try to reformulate the sentence okay?

Thank you for reading, and review!

* * *

Chapter 4 - Hold on to this lullaby even when the music is gone.

After being awake for most of the night, trying to understand what was happening to her, Quinn decided to try and get closer to the girl. But she didn't know how to do it without scaring her.

Since the smallest action seemed to make the girl retreat into her shell, she assumed that going slowly was probably the only way she could possibly succeed.

So that's what she did.

She started by simply replying to the note she received a couple days before. She cut a small piece of paper and wrote "Any time" on it, with a smiley face on the end of the sentence, and slipped it inside the closet.

She could tell that the girl saw it, because of the way she moved abruptly, making the closet door open slightly. Quinn could imagine her flinching in surprise when she saw something coming in what she thought was a safe place. She closed door and quietly moved away.

* * *

Quinn was always alert to even the minimal changes in her room. And on the last few days, a lot of those were happening.

One night, Quinn noticed a damp towel on the bathroom. Looking around more carefully, she noticed that the girl's drawing kit was settled under the table, instead of being on top of it as it usual. Her bed was not perfectly neat as always either.

Connecting the small evidences, Quinn realized while she was out, the girl must have been leaving the closet. She felt free to do the things she liked or needed. So Quinn tried to avoid her room the most that she could, to give the girl a little space.

But one day, she got cold during the afternoon and without much thought, she stopped by her room to get a sweater.

When she got in, she was caught by a humming coming from the bathroom, muffled by the sound of water but still audible. It was low, and it sounded so painful, but it reached deep down inside her.

It took a while, but she recognized it. The Nutcracker, Tchaikovsky. Waltz of The Flowers, without a doubt.

She felt her heart flipping inside her chest. There weren't many people that stopped to listen to classic music nowadays, and to find someone that appreciated her favorite song was just... overwhelming, in a way.

She sat on the edge of the bed and closed her eyes, enjoying the melody. It's been a while since she first heard it, but she remembered like it was just yesterday.

She wasn't alone by then.

Hearing classic music inside the womb made babies grow up to do well in math.

She read that in a random magazine of her mom one day.

Well, that's something she wished for her baby. She didn't really knew if that was true, but she figured it wouldn't hurt to give it try, and she didn't regret at all. Once she started hearing it, she just couldn't stop.

While regular music made her stop to think about them, or what their lyrics meant, hearing the classic music was like opening a huge window on her mind, allowing it to get flashed with everything that the world had to show.

And most importantly, it felt like an escape. And it was just what she needed back then and even now too.

She caught herself humming along, but her eyes shot open when the water noise stopped.

The roommate was done with the shower. Quinn got up in a jump and grabbed the first sweater she could find before sprinting out of the room.

* * *

"Good morning girls! Rise and shine!"

Quinn groaned. Why did they have to wake up so early? Is not like she had anything to do all day.

"Mrs. Berry? You have visitors today!"

Quinn gulped. She didn't even know they could have visitors during the so called "adaptation" phase. No one ever visited her.

Not that she wasn't jealous. No. She didn't need anyone.

Still, she was curious. She moved slightly to see past the nurse.

Two men. A taller one, with glasses resting on the top of his nose and slightly gray hair. He held a smaller one, who tried to hold in his tears, covering his mouth with his hands.

Her roommate didn't move. Quinn wasn't sure if she was awake or not, or even if she had heard it from there.

The taller man gave the smaller one a kiss on his forehead before letting go of him and walking to the closet.

Quinn wondered if he knew that she was there because that was a habit of hers or if someone had told him before he got in the room.

He opened the door, but the girl didn't whimper or cry like she always did. Instead she flew to his arms, clinging to his body like her life depended on it.

"Dad! Daddy! Dad!" She whispered while hugging him so tight that Quinn thought she must have been hurting him.

The smaller man could no longer hold himself together, and just threw himself in a hug with the other man and the girl, as tears ran down his cheeks.

"Please, take me home!"

So she knew how to talk. Quinn always knew the girl could understand them.

"We can't baby girl, not yet..."

The taller man whispered back, while rubbing her back reassuringly.

"You're here to get better. You will go home soon. We believe in you. We believe you will get better soon."

It was the smaller one now, talking through sobs. She could feel the difference in their voices. The taller one was unsure of their decision. His voice hovered on the end of the sentence, and his eyes wandered around the room.

Quinn noticed that even with everything that was happening in front of them, the nurse's eyes wouldn't leave her. And that's when she felt a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. She wiped it away quickly with the back of her palm and furrowed her eyebrows, trying to prevent others from falling, but it was not that easy.

She could see how much they loved her. She could see the worry in their eyes. She could see the pain they felt seeing their daughter that way. She could see how much they missed her. And even though she hurt that no one felt anything similar towards her, that wasn't the reason why she cried.

She cried because she put herself in the place of the roommate's parents. The feeling of seeing everything fall out and not being able to move a feather to put everything back in its place. The feeling of knowing that the hard way sometimes was the only way. The feeling that you may not be enough to give everything your children needed. She could relate.

But she wished the girl didn't have to go through this. She wished there was an easier way out. She wished she could do something.

"I'll be better, I promise I will, just please take me with you... I won't be a bad girl anymore."

Her voice was louder than usual, and she begged with so much passion that Quinn knew someone had taken her place of the one who hated the institution the most.

At the same time, the plea for help made her hurt deeper. She wished she could be the one to help the girl heal from whatever wounds she had acquired over time.

The men looked at the nurse. They didn't know how to respond to that. The nurse just shook her head and they seemed to understand what she meant.

Quinn understood too. They couldn't let her try to talk them in to doing what she wanted.

"Do you like your new desk, sweet pea?"

She shook her head. Her lips never falling from the perfect pout, her head never looking up.

"What about your bedroom?"

The other one tried, but she shook her head once more.

"And the food?"

Another shake.

They knew she didn't mean it. They knew the stuff wasn't bad, and that she was just trying to convince her to take her home.

The smaller one finally looked up to check out the room, but his eyes met Quinn's watery ones before she quickly looked away.

"What about your roommate?"

Rachel didn't move. She didn't nod, but she was far from shaking her head.

Both men looked up at Quinn again, and the taller one smiled.

"Well, I'm glad you're making friends."

Quinn smiled too. She wished they were already friends.

 _Friends._

* * *

The next morning, Quinn was determined to cheer up her roommate.

It was heart breaking seeing her parents leaving her for a second time, and even though Quinn hid on the bathroom and covered her ears trying not to hear the girl's pleading, it was useless. It had so much pain in it that she could feel the screams transcending through her hands and getting right inside her soul.

What hurt the most though, was spending the whole night awake hearing the girl cry. She damned herself for not being strong enough to move out of the bed and hold the girl like she felt she needed to. And she knew she needed to change things on the next day.

Quinn was already up and ready to leave the room when the nurse unlocked the door, but instead of marching to the cafeteria like all the other patients did every single morning, she went to the music room.

It took her a lot of convincing to get the security guard to let her bring the keyboard to her room. It was far from as easy as she thought it would be.

The day before, she had spent hours at the library. She got in line to use the computer, she _tolerated_ everyone that tried to engage in a conversation with her and after the _whole_ day she found the music sheet she was looking for.

The whole evening she spent practicing, and now she felt ready.

She grabbed everything and avoided the weird looks she got while bringing the stuff to her room.

It took her a while to set the keyboard up, but when she eventually got it, she started playing. And everything else blurred away.

She had taken piano lessons as a child but she had absolutely loathed them back then.

It was just another way that her parents used her, to flaunt and brag about her, like a show puppy. They put the piano in the living room, and they would have a _small_ get together every other weekend where she would play for the whole evening while all the grownups watched her and envied the talent their kids didn't have.

But right now, her feelings were the completely opposite. She felt confident, and she _wanted_ to play.

Quinn knocked on the door, to make sure the girl was awaken.

"Hey, I have something for you"

She didn't really expect an answer, but she could tell the girl had heard her.

"Don't worry. It's nothing bad. Just stay in there and hear me out. I hope you like it."

Quinn let her digits feel every key before pressing them gently, and let the music spread in to the room.

Waltz of the Flowers again, of course. She knew the girl would recognize it.

What she didn't expect was the audience that quickly formed behind her door. She could hear them whispering about what was going on. But they didn't matter to her. Anything mattered. She had a purpose, at last.

When she heard the faint sound of the girl humming along to the song coming from the closet, her concentrated frown turned into a grin. And for a few minutes, if Quinn closed her eyes and just felt the song, it felt like it was just the two of them.

No hospital, no nurses, no doctors, no medicines.

Just Quinn and her roommate, in a happy place, with no worries at all.

And right when she finished, she saw a piece of paper being slipped out of the closet. She knelt to get it and smiled.

Another thank you note.

And immediately all the struggling, all the efforts to make that morning happen, felt worth it.

"You're welcome"

She whispered, before packing everything up and leaving, looking down to hide her blushed cheeks as she passed three nurses that promptly began to clap at her.

* * *

Quinn couldn't sleep. Even though she had taken the sleeping pill, just like every night, she couldn't sleep.

Her mind was racing on how everything was working out. She had set it as a mission now: to cheer up the girl. And it gave her something to think about.

That was good, because it kept her mind free of the _bad_ thoughts, but on the other hand, she had so many ideas to think of now that she just couldn't stop.

She tried not to move too much in bed, because she didn't know how much noise the closet door blocked and she didn't want to bother the girl, but she just couldn't sleep at all.

She was almost ready to give up and call the nurse office to ask for another pill when she heard a whisper.

"Goodnight, Quinn"

She gulped.

Had she been asleep the whole time and dreaming?

She pinched herself, as silly as it sounded. Just to make sure, right? She was definitely awake.

Her lower lip quivered, and she had to bite it to stop it. It was like the girl knew just what she needed. Just like the night when she stopped Quinn from cutting. She gave Quinn's mind peace.

She wondered if she had lost her opportunity to reply after being in silence with her thoughts for a few seconds, but she assumed that if she didn't reply, she wouldn't get another chance so soon.

"Goodnight..."

Quinn realized she didn't know the girl's name. And she didn't know so many other things.

But she had time, and she was determined to learn everything she could.

"You know, you never told me your name"

Quinn never heard anything back, but she didn't care. She knew the chances of it happening were remote, but it didn't matter.

Now she was sure that she would sleep and that it was going to be a good night.


	6. Nights are long: Chapter 5

**Author's note:** Hey everyone! Hope you all have a good Friday! Don't forget to review :)

* * *

Chapter 5 - Nights are long and dreams are cold

Quinn always came back to brush her teeth after lunch and took the opportunity to check if her roommate had eaten her food, which she could tell by the situation of the tray sitting on her desk. She worried about the girl's health more than she was willing to admit.

That day, the girl hadn't eaten. Well, at least not enough. Quinn could see that she had played around with the food, but most of it was still on the plate, just like the juice on her cup. It was the first day that she hadn't eaten since they started bringing food to their bedroom and Quinn wondered if everything was okay, although she knew that asking wouldn't help much, since she was most likely not getting an answer.

She sighed. At least the girl had taken her medicine. She was doing quite well and Quinn felt a strange pride because of it. The girl clearly had some serious trust issues, but she still took her medicine without questioning because she really wanted to get better. She was stronger than Quinn. She let her pride take a back seat for the sake of getting better, which was something Quinn was sure she could never do.

Quinn wanted the girl to get better and stop suffering from whatever she had, but at the same time, the thought of getting another roommate scared her. Her therapist was right, she had never cared for any of them in the way she did for this girl. She felt an urge to protect her, like it was her mission. She didn't really believe in destiny and stuff like that - at least not anymore - but _maybe_ she was meant to meet this girl there.

Quinn's mind was racing as brushed her teeth, thinking about how it would be if the roommate left. She quickly flossed, rinsed her mouth with mouthwash and rinsed it again; all while avoiding her own reflection in the mirror. Everything she did felt automatic, with her mind being focused on more important things.

Still distracted, she almost didn't realize that the closet door was half opened as she walked out. She couldn't remember if it was like that when she first got in, but she thought it was very unlikely.

Had she come back too early and unknowingly forced the girl into the closet, not even giving her enough time to close the door? Perhaps that's why the food was still in the tray.

She lowered her body to try and see inside the closet, and was surprised when she met the other girl's glaze.

Quinn blinked. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what the boundaries were, and that made it all too easy to step out of them.

So she just smiled. And she was shocked when she got a smile back. It was weak, and still scared, but it was definitely a smile. Quinn was elated, but not wanting to scare the girl she kept her voice quiet.

"Do you... Do you want me to close the door for you?" She whispered.

The girl shook her head. Quinn furrowed her eyebrows slightly, confused. She wasn't sure of what the girl wanted, but when she looked behind her and saw the full plate behind her, she got an idea of what it might have been.

"Do you want to eat? Did I interrupt you?"

She shook her head again, and gave another smile after it. Quinn let out a nervous chuckle.

"Okay well... So… I'm... I'm going to stop bothering you now. Yeah. See you?"

Another smile made Quinn's stomach flip, and as soon as she left the room she leaned against the door after she closing it.

She had to leave. She was too nervous and too self-conscious of everything. Even though that smile made her happier than she had been in a while, it also made her feel too vulnerable which ultimately made her even more nervous.

She was aware of her heartbeats. She could hear them.

And they were _so_ fast.

* * *

The goodnights started to become a habit of them and before long Quinn couldn't sleep without hearing those simple words.

It reminded her of when she was little.

Every day, before going to sleep, she would go to her parents' room to get a blessing from her dad, and then walk hand in hand with her mom to her room, where they would kneel on the floor and pray together.

They thanked for the day they had. Everything they had in general. And sometimes, when Quinn was really good during the week, her mom would let her ask _him_ for something that she wanted. She didn't understand who _him wa_ s, and why couldn't they meet _him,_ and how could _he_ know what they said if _he_ wasn't in her room, but every time that she started questioning her mom cut her off, so eventually she just stopped.

For her, the worst kind of punishment wasn't getting grounded or having her toys taken away. She could always get distracted with something else. The worst punishment was when her parents gave her the silent treatment, and didn't follow their nightly ritual. Every time that happened, she wouldn't sleep. Or worse, she would cry herself to sleep, and then beg for forgiveness.

She returned to the present as thoughts from the other day came back to her. The girl will get better and it might be soon. She would have to go to sleep without her goodnights again.

She shivered and felt her eyes getting watery.

But all of her fears faded away when she heard that lulling, soft tone of voice.

"Goodnight, Quinn"

* * *

Quinn needed to get in the room. She had convinced a doctor she met in the hallway to take another look at her prescription, and she was fairly sure that she would get him to take her off the yellowish pill. But she needed to take her chart for him to check.

And it was there, right by her bed.

She stood by the door for a few minutes, hesitating. She didn't want to make the girl uncomfortable with her sudden presence. She opened it slowly and went in, but froze at what she saw.

Her roommate sleeping - but not in the closet – in her very own bed!

Quinn chewed her inner cheek but couldn't hold the huge smile that appeared on her face.

She took a few steps closer, but felt her heart racing faster with each one she took.

It was the first time she could actually see the girl, without the darkness of the closet, her arms getting in front of her face, or being buried in her father's chest.

And what she saw took her breath away.

Her eyelashes sat on the top of her flushed cheeks, with a well-drawn jaw under them. Her dark brown hair fell perfectly around her face, and her bangs were a bit too long, almost covering her shut-eyes. Her nose was big and with a round tip, and Quinn had to stifle a giggle imaging how cute it would look when scrunched it up in a grin.

Quinn couldn't help but to lift her hand and brush said bangs aside, to see her better. When the girl didn't react in any way, she let the tip of her index finger travel down the girl's nose, and stopped when she got on the corner of the girl's lip.

Soft.

She could feel the girl's breath, and noticed it had changed. It wasn't as constant as before, and Quinn knew she must have woken up.

She put herself in the place of the girl, thinking how she would feel if someone she barely knew touched her while she was asleep.

She had gone too far. She knew she shouldn't have touched the girl. She felt so guilty. Like she had abused the little trust the girl had for her. She could have taken the girl's lack of reaction as a form of approval of her acts, but instead she imagined that the girl just didn't move because she was too scared to.

And she felt so sad for being the reason for the girl's fears.

Quinn grabbed her chart and ran to see her doctor, but she just wasn't in the mood to discuss anymore. Even still, she got herself a deal. She would take two new pills instead of the yellow one, but the doctor promised her they would have no side effects and that they wouldn't get her hooked. Quinn settled for that.

* * *

Quinn woke up that night to the sound of crying. She had gotten used to it by now, it came out of nowhere and left just the same way, but it still made Quinn nervous, mainly because it served as a reminder of the suffering the girl was going through.

There was nothing different in the room, what could have caused it? Quinn wondered if there was something inside the closet that was setting the girl off. She could look and take whatever it was away, but she didn't have a chance to approach the closet because the girl was always there when she was around.

She must have been dreaming, Quinn thought. Most of the weeping happened at night, so it made sense. She could wake up her, but that could scare her even further.

The girl must have been shaking violently; Quinn could see the closet door moving and it doubled her concern. It looked like today was worse than the usual. The girl's cries were louder and more painful.

She got up and walked to the closet, placing her hand on the door.

"Hey?"

She breathed out. The weeping got even louder, almost turning to a wail, and the door shook harder with the girl stirring in her sleep.

Quinn took that as a signal that the girl had heard her, even if only unconsciously. Deep down, she was hearing Quinn, and it was affecting her.

She felt like her voice made the girl feel worse. Maybe she was remembering of when Quinn touched her the other day and that was coming back to haunt her at night.

Quinn hated herself so much for that. She knew she was over thinking everything, but it felt like she had no control over her mind. If she wasn't so focused on the girl's pain, she would most definitely channel it to relieve the hate by hurting herself. Even now, it sounded tempting. She deserved it. But the door just continued to shake against her hand, and she couldn't ignore it.

"Are you okay?"

She asked, even though she knew the girl wasn't. She wasn't either. But there was nothing else she could do. There was no way she could help, and no way of going back in time to prevent herself from touching her.

"Please, be okay..."

She whispered. Quinn wanted to soothe the girl, but she didn't know how.

So Quinn simply stood there, with her hand against the door.

And for the first time in a really long time, she prayed.

* * *

Quinn got to her room after dinner, carrying the cookies in her pocket, just like every other day, but when she opened the door, poking her head inside, she was surprised by the girl sitting on her bed.

Quinn thought quickly, remembering the fiasco of the last time she got a surprise like that, and figured that if the girl was anything like her, acknowledging the change wouldn't be a smart choice. Maybe if she just acted normally, everything would feel normal.

She started walking again and left the cookies at the girl's desk.

"Hey."

Quinn whispered before going to her own bed, and laying there. But the curiosity was killing her; she had to turn to face the girl.

Her action was welcomed with a shy smile. And God, she loved those smiles. Maybe the girl wasn't scared of her after all. The relief in Quinn's mind made her sigh contently, and she felt like the whole world was taken out of her back. Her smile matched the happiness that flooded her heart with that realization.

"I'm Rachel"

The girl said. Her voice was muffled by the emotions, shaky – she must have been so nervous, she must have played this out in her head so many times before taking the courage to actually say it.

Quinn could feel her mouth falling open and her eyes opening wider, but she did her best to regain her composure and reward the daring action with a bright smile.

"It's nice to meet you, Rachel!"

She replied excitedly. More excited than she wanted to sound, actually.

The girl nodded. She stood still, staring at Quinn for a few minutes. Quinn didn't know what to do or say, but the silence didn't feel as awkward as one would imagine. Her eyes were locked with the girl's, and it felt like they could say everything with those looks, and the other would understand them completely.

After a while, the girl broke the glance, and Quinn realized she was holding her breath for a really long time. While she exhaled, she saw the girl getting up, grabbing the cookies and tucking herself inside the closet, after giving Quinn one last smile.

Quinn shook her head and laughed silently, still breathing heavily.

For someone who hated changes in her routine, she was liking all of that too much.

"Goodnight, Rachel"


	7. I've been broken: Chapter 6

**Author's note:** Sorry for not posting yesterday! This is the longest chapter so far, to make up for yesterday. Hope you all like it! And please, review!

* * *

Chapter 6 - I've been broken but still I can't explain

Quinn was almost done with her shower when she heard the girl starting to cry. It was always the same - starting with tiny whimpers that escalated until she was crying so hard that she couldn't hold herself still.

For Quinn to be able to hear it, even with the noise of the water and two doors between them, it had to be pretty bad already.

She clenched her hands in fists trying to keep herself focused on what she was doing, but like a mother hearing her baby cry, she just couldn't ignore it. She turned off the shower and put her clothes on in a flash, not even bothering to comb her wet hair.

When she got out of the bathroom, she could swear her heart had broken to a million little pieces. The door was half opened again, and the girl stared right in her eyes and they looked so hopeless. She was asking Quinn for help. This was Quinn's opportunity to give back what the girl had done for her. But she had no idea how.

Rachel's eyes were puffy and red, her bangs stuck to her forehead because of all the sweat that ran down her face mixed with the incessantly tears. Her whole body shook, almost as bad as the people Quinn had seen having a seizure.

In spite of her shaking body, Rachel slowly poked her hand outside of the closet door, trying to reach Quinn – without ever looking away from her eyes.

Quinn came closer to the closet and knelt on the floor. She was going to lift her hand to touch the door, like she had been doing lately – she felt closer to Rachel this way, she felt like she was helping. But Rachel prevented her from doing just that when she grabbed Quinn's index finger and held it with her whole hand.

Quinn gulped, but didn't move. If that's what the girl needed, she could have it. She could have all of Quinn's fingers and she still wouldn't mind. She felt Rachel gripping tighter as the sobs wracked her body.

She looked down for the first time since Quinn had come out of the bathroom and shut her eyes, shaking her head and murmuring some things that Quinn couldn't quite make out, even when she came closer. She assumed the girl didn't want her to hear it, and distracted her mind with her prayers.

She wasn't sure if her prayers had worked or if the episode was going away naturally, but leisurely her shakes got weaker and weaker until fading away completely. She took some deep breaths, trying to regain some composure. Finally she let out a few weak hiccupping sobs and opened her eyes to stare into Quinn's.

She gave Quinn a weak smile, which was interrupted by another hiccup, but Quinn smiled back anyway. The little hiccup was adorable. Her finger was still inside the girl's fist, but she could see that Rachel still wasn't ready to let go of it, so she sat down, showing the girl that she could take her time: Quinn would wait there forever if it would make her feel better.

And indeed it did. Quinn saw when Rachel's eyes started to get heavy, and realized how the grip was loosening before the girl actually fell asleep. But Quinn still didn't move; she stayed still until Rachel's hand fell, setting Quinn's finger free.

Quinn gently put Rachel's arm over her knees, inside the closet, and closed the door slowly.

When she knew everything was okay, and that Rachel wouldn't need her anymore, she ran to the bathroom.

And as soon as she make to the bathroom, she threw up. She held herself on the edges of the toilet and just let it happen, but while it happened, Quinn could feel her tears washing her face.

What she had just watched was terrifying – the fear in the girl's eyes, the way she lost control over her own body, how unbelievably fast her breathing was – and she considered herself lucky for being able to hold herself together for so long, to only break down when she reached the bathroom and was alone.

She woke up on the bathroom floor when one of the nurses entered the room yelling at her for missing her appointment with the psychologist. The last thing she needed was to hear the nurse's lecture right now, but she couldn't escape it, just like she couldn't escape the fact that she would have to take her medications all over again.

But when she remembered why she did it, she didn't feel like complaining anymore.

And before leaving the room, she heard a small thank you coming out of the closet.

The fact that the girl had enough courage to speak to her out loud instead of slipping out of one the notes, like she did before, made Quinn feel invincible. She could do anything if she knew she would get a reward like this.

* * *

Every last Friday of the month, they celebrated birthdays at the institution. They got everyone that was born in that month together, and had one big party, that lasted for the whole day. They had cakes. They had balloons. They had soda. They had birthday games. The staff tried their best to make each person feel special at least on that day, to make them feel safe and at home.

But Quinn always avoided the cafeteria on that day. She hated how happy everyone seemed. She didn't understand why people celebrated being alive. And she hated how kind everyone was to the ones who were getting older. It just seemed fake to her.

But today, she had to go. If she stayed in the room, the girl wouldn't come out to eat and take her medicines. She went, but chose a seat as far away as possible from the party, and stayed there for just over twenty minutes, before heading back to her room holding the present she brought back for Rachel.

Placing the cupcake by the closet door, she knocked gently and left the room before she could get a response.

* * *

Quinn didn't want to fill herself with hope – she knew that never worked out. But her curiosity talked louder, and when she realized she was already in the reception.

"Excuse me?" She asked one of the receptionists. "Is there anything for me today?"

She tried to act casually, being watched by a few people sitting on the waiting room of the hospital entrance.

"What's your name again, Miss?"

"Quinn. Quinn Fabray."

"Oh yes, I think we have a few packages for you!"

Quinn's mouth opened in a surprised smile and she let out a sigh of relief. She had never received any mail, and eventually just stopped checking on the reception. But _every_ patient got something on his or her birthday. And deep down she knew her parents still cared for her.

"Miss?" The receptionist returned from the back room. "I'm sorry, I must have been mistaken. I really thought there were a couple packages. But here, you got this one."

Quinn grabbed the small envelop with a quiet nod. She just wanted to get away from everyone's look. She couldn't help the disappoint she felt, but at least she had a letter.

It was going to be okay. She always liked letters. And sometimes, a heartfelt letter could be better than any gift that money could buy.

When she knew she was out of people's watch, she leaned against the wall to open her envelop.

Quinn was almost sure people from the whole hospital were able to hear her heart falling to the ground and breaking in tiny little pieces.

The envelop had only a standard happy birthday card, from the hospital itself. It didn't even had her name on it. And Quinn had never felt like she was so insignificant.

* * *

Quinn spent the rest of the day in the music room. There was no one else there since just about everyone was at the party, and that was the best thing that could happen, in her opinion.

She turned the volume up as loud as the speakers would go, and lay on the floor, facing the ceiling. She didn't have her own CDs so she relied on the ones that other patients had brought. They didn't have the best taste ever, but there were a couple ones that she learned to like.

She liked to listen to the songs and just think. She liked to hear the songs and _not_ think. To be honest, at that moment, she just wanted to forget everything. To fly wherever the song would lead her.

Now, she didn't want to stop there. She wanted to go further, explore more. After playing for the girl, she had grown fonder of the instruments and since she couldn't spend time in her room, she started going there more and more each day.

She listened to the songs on replay for a few times, and then tried to play them, without consulting sheets music or anything; using just her memory of how they had sounded. And she was getting better at it.

Quinn almost dropped the guitar she was playing when one of the nurses bustled into the room and turned the speakers off.

It was time to go to bed, and the day would finally be over.

* * *

Quinn was tucked under her blankets; eyes wide open, just waiting for her goodnight.

She heard the girl moving inside the closet, and thought she must have been trying to get comfortable in there, which she thought it was surely impossible.

She wanted to tell the girl to go to her bed. That it was okay. That she wouldn't bother her. That no one would get inside the locked room. That they were safe there.

But as soon as the noise stopped, the voice came.

"Happy birthday, Quinn"

Quinn choked, her eyes bulged out and she caught her lower lip between her teeth. How could she know that? It was just impossible. She literally never talked – to anyone – so how could she find out? She coughed a few times before managing to actually talk again.

"Thank you"

Quinn whispered back, holding her hands together to stop the shaking and closing her eyes tight. The whole day she tried to avoid those wishes that annoyed her so much, but right now, annoyance was the last thing on her mind.

She could feel the truth in those words. She knew the girl meant it, she didn't just say it to be polite, like everyone else did.

Someone actually wanted her to be happy. It seemed unbelievable to her.

Someone cared.

"Goodnight, Quinn"

She smiled with her eyes still closed, picturing the girl, all curled up inside the closet. The image made her uneasy, but not in a bad way. She wanted to hug the girl. She was just so happy to know that someone cherished her in a sincere way.

But she hugged her legs instead.

"Goodnight, Rachel."

* * *

Quinn was finishing getting dressed when the door opened abruptly. She grabbed the sheets that lied on her bed and covered herself as she finished putting in her shirt.

"Excuse me! No one taught you how to knock?"

She groaned and looked behind her when she was ready, rolling her eyes when she saw the psychologist standing by the opened door.

"Wow. Just because I missed an appointment this week, doesn't mean you need to come to my room and get me, you know. I can still walk."

She groaned, and the psychologist let out a small laughing, shaking her head.

"You are very self-centered. Who says I'm here to talk to you, Ms. Fabray?"

Quinn frowned for a moment, but then figured what the doctor was trying to say and gasped.

"What are you doing here then? She won't talk to you!"

She never talked to anyone, only Quinn, only sometimes. Quinn was proud of that. Everyone knew that. The psychologist knew that – Quinn had told her. Then why was she there?

"Well, we'll see. Can you excuse us?"

Quinn huffed and crossed her arms, sitting on her bed and making it clear that she didn't plan on leaving any time soon.

"No."

The psychologist wasn't laughing anymore, and the always gentle – fake – smile she always carried had faded away from her face. But Quinn didn't let her expression flicker; she needed to show that she meant it.

"We need privacy. You would rather have me calling the guards to help me take her to my office?"

Quinn groaned again and stomped her foot before leaving the room. She felt childish, but she hated to lose arguments.

"And you're not allowed to stay by the door either, _Quinn_ "

She was bluffing, Quinn thought. She just had to stay really quiet and she would hear everything.

"Quinn!"

She smashed her fist against the door and yelled.

"I hate this place!"

But she regretted it immediately, thinking of how that could have scared Rachel, and gave up, leaving the hall and heading to the music room, to clear her head.

* * *

Quinn rolled on bed once more. She couldn't stop thinking of how the talk between Rachel and the psychologist had gone. She even tried to ask her during her own appointment, but the psychologist adamant – something about doctor/patient confidentiality. Quinn got angry and didn't talk for the whole hour, even though she knew that acting like that wouldn't get her anywhere.

She wanted to ask Rachel, but she didn't have the courage. She felt like she was overstepping – actually, she knew she was – but it had been long since she had lost control over her mind. She wanted to know if the girl had opened up, she wanted to know if she had been scared, she wanted to know everything.

"Quinn?"

Quinn's head snapped back to look at the closet, and she found the closed door. She frowned. It still amazed her how perfect the girl's timing was; she always knew when Quinn needed to hear her voice. But that's not the usual goodnight she gets.

"Yeah?" She asked curiously.

"I can't sleep."

Her voice was so small. Like a children's one, when they've broken something and they _know_ they have to tell their parents, but they are afraid of the consequences. Like someone confessing one of their darkest sins. But that's not how she should feel, at least not about something so innocent.

Quinn got up and walked to the closet, sitting next to the door.

"It's okay"

She murmured, but she knew the girl would realize that she had walked towards her.

"Why don't you try to sleep in your bed today?"

Quinn suggested, although she didn't really think it would work. She had a pretty good idea of what had happened: the psychologist had pushed her too far and made her anxious. That seems to be the way they worked there – they did it with Quinn too, on her first appointment – they push you, and they try to get you anxious and scared so you will open up and start talking until you feel better.

But it didn't work with Quinn, and clearly it didn't work with Rachel either. In fact, Quinn wondered if it had ever worked with anyone.

Rachel didn't answer Quinn's question. She understood that the girl was not ready for that step yet, and she didn't want to be like all the others; she didn't want to push Rachel. So she dropped it, and changed subject.

She looked around and her eyes fell in her nightstand, giving her an idea.

"Maybe- Maybe I could read something for you?"

She asked expectantly. The silence spread across the room again, and Quinn pursued her lips. She didn't know what else she could do.

"Okay."

The answer took a little long to get there, but when it did Quinn was relieved. She stretched her arms to get the book without moving from her spot.

"Okay"

She murmured to herself as she sat with the book on her lap, leaning against the closet door and opening where she had stopped reading. She took a deep breath and started reading, with a calm tone of voice.

" _She never knew light could be enough to hurt that much, but one day she woke up in a rainy morning and the sun was in grief. The black clouds hid the blue sky from her sight, and one more time she cried. The moon, the stars, and the sun cried as well, as they watched her pain._ "

Quinn moistened the point of her fingertip and turned the page silently.

" _But for him, who would cry? Who will see him, when the clouds that spread in the sky come from his heart? She rises, she leaps. But she gets stuck in the clouds on her way to the moon. Like a waltz, she dances with her memories, and having the song of his voice as the music playing on the background, she skips, star from star; and the planets align behind her, because they too want to see._ "

She stopped to take another breath and to wipe away a shy tear that was caught in the corner of her eye. She liked subjective books, because she felt like each person could find a meaning behind the words and everyone would somehow relate to them; but she remembered now why she had stopped reading this one. It touched her too deeply.

" _And they too hoped that one day she'll be her own moon, her own star and her own sun. And it will be enough._ "

She reads the last sentence in a murmur and closes the book, bringing it close to her chest and hugging it tight while another tear escaped from her eyes. All the curiosity that was once in her mind immediately left, leaving the sadness and anxiety that she feared so much.

"Goodnight, Quinn"

But Rachel's voice was much calmer now. And if she had made the girl feel better, why would her feelings matter?


	8. Better days: Chapter 7

Chapter 7 - Better days are gonna find you once again

"Goodnight, Quinn"

Quinn smiled and closed her eyes, shifting in bed to get herself comfortable.

"Goodnight, Rachel"

It wouldn't take long for Quinn to fall asleep that night. She'd had a stressful day: once in a while they ran some tests to check the patient's progress, or to see how they were dealing with medication. Today Quinn had spent the whole day in the lab.

She wasn't alone there, but not even one of the other patients had the courage to tell the doctor that in the five seconds he turned his back to them, Quinn had hidden a few needles under her clothes.

To know that they were there and that if she needed she could use them to cut herself was already enough to make her so calm that she could sleep through the whole night without even needing her sleeping pills.

Of course, the needles weren't as sharp and easy to cut with as the blades that she had hidden in her bedroom back home. But unfortunately she couldn't hide them in her backpack when she came here, and she was aware that she wouldn't find anything as good as those, so the needles would have to be enough.

She was already sleeping in that light, dreamy way when she heard the closet door opening. The noise woke her up and she looked back quickly, afraid something had happened. When she saw Rachel getting up and out of the closet she tried to look away, figuring the girl was probably going to the bathroom and didn't need or want an audience for that.

But the girl stared fixedly at her bed and slowly moved her feet, closing her eyes tight and taking one deep sigh – the bed wasn't more than five feet away from her, but Quinn understood what a long walk that would be, and how hard it was for the girl to take that few, yet meaningful, steps.

It startled her: just a few days ago the girl refused when Quinn suggested to her that she should try to come out, but now she seemed absolutely sure that she was ready for it. Quinn thought it might have had something to do with the therapy sections the girl was now having, and even though she was a little bit jealous to admit that someone else had helped Rachel, she was happy that the girl was being helped somehow.

Rachel didn't open her eyes while she got under the sheets, and let out a shaky sigh when she finally got comfortable there. It was obviously much better than the small closet, and when Quinn thought she had finally fell asleep she opened her eyes and smiled to her. Quinn was already smiling, but it got brighter, and filled with pride.

"I did it!"

She whispered with a shy smile, looking down.

Quinn giggled and nodded.

"You did it. Congratulations!"

Quinn could see that she had got even shyer with the compliment, so she closed her eyes, letting the whole room for the girl.

"Goodnight, Rachel"

"Goodnight, Quinn"

* * *

When Quinn woke up and turned around to see the sunshine streaming across Rachel's sleeping face, she wished she could just stay there laying on her bed and watching it all day long. She looked serene, and Quinn was happy for her - it was the first night in a long time that had went by without any crying.

But Quinn had to go. She didn't know what was going to happen when the girl woke up: she could either change her life completely and start doing everything like everyone, or she could just return to her normal habits, and only leave the closet during the nights. Either way, it was better if Quinn wasn't there, leaving her with the room to make any decisions she wanted.

Besides, Quinn had to see her psychologist. If she kept missing her appointments like that she would lose some of the few privileges she still had.

* * *

"Are you going to talk today, Quinn?"

The psychologist asked. Quinn hated everything, from the tone of her voice to her little attitude, acting like she knew that Quinn would have to talk at some point.

"I don't know. Are you gonna tell me what I wanna know?"

She laughed. Quinn was _so_ close from jumping out of chair and getting on top of that damn woman. She could think of so many ways to kill her. Or at least hurt her a little bit. She deserved it; no one should push a patient like that.

"Why do you feel like you need know that, Quinn? Why does it bother you so badly?"

Quinn rolled her eyes and buried herself further on the chair with a loud groan, to make sure that the therapist saw how annoyed she was.

"I think that you feel that way bec-"

"I don't wanna know what you think. I don't care."

She wrote something down and nodded with her lips tightly closed. Quinn hated that pen. She could use it to stab her on the neck; there were some important veins or something like that there, right? She was almost sure that this was a way of killing people.

"You know that there are other ways of getting to know what you want to know, right?"

Quinn's eyes lit up and she lifted her head from the doctor's notebook. Why hadn't she thought of that before?

"You can ask _her._ "

No. That's not what Quinn had in mind. Another idea had lighted up in her mind.

She was sure that if Rachel had said anything, the therapist would have written it down. But even better: Quinn could find Rachel's files, and find out not only what she said, but everything about her, everything that she had wondered lately: who Rachel was, where had she come from, and most importantly, why had she come there?

"Can I be excused?"

"What?" The psychologist frowned in surprise.

Quinn swallowed thickly, the ideas running like crazy inside her head wouldn't let her focus or pay attention at what the therapist was saying, so she figured it would be better to just leave and use her time to plan a way of getting inside the director's office and finally finding out what she wanted.

* * *

Quinn opened her bedroom door slowly – she imagined she would find the girl by her bed, or drawing in her desk, or even watching TV – doing normal stuff. But there was no sight of her, and when Quinn saw the closet door half opened she knew the girl had come back inside.

Disappointed wasn't exactly the word, but she was rather frustrated to know that everything the girl had fought to conquer was blown away just from hearing the noises of the uproar that took place on their wing that morning.

Quinn had spent most of the previous days sitting on her bed and trying to sort through everything that was in her mind, but she just couldn't find a way of working up a plan that she was sure that would work, so she eventually gave up.

But the perfect opportunity was basically knocking at her door: she wasn't sure of how it had started, but right now she could hear the loud screams coming from out of her door and meeting the terrified nurses who needed help from the guards to calm down the patients.

It didn't have to be anything major to cause this kind of chaos. Everything, from someone crying about their medicine to someone who didn't like the food of the day could set one patient off, and if one patient started screaming most of the others would mimic the act and in a few seconds the whole floor would be out of control.

Quinn didn't recognize the nurse that was sitting behind the table next to the principal's door, and that made her task even easier. She had learned how to understand the nurses there, and like everything, the way they behaved fell in to a pattern: the new nurses were either afraid of the patients or thought they were dumb, but mostly they were easy to fool.

Quinn convinced one of the patients to make the nurse leave her spot by asking her for help to get a _lost_ patient out of their room, and it worked like a charm: in a question of seconds she was alone in the hall, except for the people who were so lost in themselves that didn't even see her, and after that, getting inside the office was as simple as it could be.

The first thing she saw when she got inside was exactly what she was looking for. The dark wood furniture, filled with the files, separated alphabetically. Quinn almost didn't believe when she realized that there was not even one little locker there; it was so easy it that it was almost as if they were asking for it.

She ran her fingers through the letters and stopped on the Q; she was curious to know what the psychologist wrote about her, but she figured she didn't have much time, and she had set her priorities straight. If everything worked out she could come back another day and check hers, but now, she was going to learn more about Rachel.

R.

There weren't a lot of files in that category and she soon found what she was looking for.

Rachel B. Berry.

It was the only Rachel under the R file, which made everything much easier.

She held the file with both her hands and lifted it up, chewing her lips nervously. It was happening. Everything she urged to know, every mystery that haunted her mind was going to be solved right now.

But when the image of Rachel's eyes came in her mind, Quinn remembered how the girl seemed to trust her even though everything she did showed that she was built of fears and pain - and Quinn knew she wouldn't be able to ever ruin that trust.

She imagined hearing Rachel's history by the girl's own lips. She could see the girl's eyes shining when she told about the happy moments, but getting darker as the story also got more complicated. And she could feel how they would bond through it - baring their souls and opening themselves to the other one.

Quinn wanted that. She realized there was no better way of learning about someone's life than hearing from their own mouth.

So she shoved the file inside the drawer and got out of the door, running to her room with her heart racing.

When she got back in her room she heard Rachel's light whimpers coming from inside the closet.

And even though nothing had changed, Quinn felt closer to Rachel than she ever had before.

* * *

When Quinn came back from dinner, Rachel was already tucked under the sheets with the same coy smile on her face. Quinn smiled, went to the bathroom, and got ready to sleep quicker than ever, jumping to her own bed and turning to face Rachel.

"Hi."

Quinn murmured. Rachel didn't answer, but looked deep inside Quinn's eyes, with such an intense glaze that made the girl shiver. Quinn didn't usually like eye contact, but with Rachel it felt different. It was like the girl was trying to know her by studying her eyes, and it worked. For once in a long time Quinn felt like someone understood her.

They kept their eyes locked for as long as they could, but their exhaustion started to kick in and made Rachel's eyes heavy. Quinn didn't want to break the contact, but she hadn't got many chances to watch the girl sleep and she was enjoying that new possibility.

"Goodnight, Rachel"

Rachel smiled lightly and hugged the pillow tighter. Quinn didn't even realize that she did the same thing, but she wished she had someone to hold her like that while she slept. She wished she was in the place of that pillow.

"Goodnight, Quinn." Said Rachel.

But it wasn't a good night at all.

Not a long time after Quinn finally gave in and fell asleep, she woke up hearing the girl's weak whimper. She bit her lip before turning on bed, and jumped out of it when she didn't see the girl in her own bed.

Quinn walked to the closet and by the gap of the open door she saw Rachel with her face buried in her legs, trying to muffle her noises to not wake Quinn up. When she looked up and realized Quinn was standing next to her again, she stopped rocking herself back and forth and held out her hand, hoping she could get Quinn's again.

But watching that trembling lip and shaky hands coming in her direction, Quinn wanted to do more. She knew that she was helping Rachel by only letting her hold her hand, but she also knew she could help her much more if she wasn't so afraid of scaring her.

She gulped and took Rachel's hand before crawling inside the closet with the girl.

It was small. It barely fit the two of them; their bodies were flushed together, pressed tightly against the other. Rachel's eyes were big, but she didn't look afraid of Quinn like the girl expect. She was only confused, or maybe unsure of what was happening – but Quinn got the confidence she needed from those big brown eyes.

She wrapped her arms around Rachel, like she had been wanting to do in so long, and it felt exactly the way she imagined. Comfortable, safe. So tight that Quinn could barely tell where her body stopped and Rachel's started. But melted into each other, she felt nothing but calmness. No fears, no worries. Just feeling the two heartbeats against their chests.

But she realized Rachel had stopped breathing with the sudden action and was almost letting go afraid she had scared the girl, that the girl didn't feel the way she did, when Rachel relaxed in to Quinn's embrace and started crying lowly again.

Quinn hugged her even tighter and started rocking lightly back and forth, like she knew the girl used to do. The girl shook against her body and buried her face in Quinn's shoulder, and Quinn ran her fingers up and down her arm, trying to sooth her.

"It's okay. You're okay now. You'll be fine..." Quinn cooed her.

The girl sobs got worse before getting better, and when they finally stopped Quinn could feel the fabric of her shirt wet from the girl's tears and felt their heart beats, almost in sync now. Rachel looked up at her and Quinn gave her a sympathetic smile.

Rachel blinked, letting out the last tear and then turned around to hug Quinn back with all the strength that was left in her small arms.

Quinn understood that this was the girl's way of thanking her and murmured back a you're welcome, before leaning her body against the closet's door and holding the girl against her, feeling the girl's chest rise and fall against her own, until they both fell asleep.

In the middle of the night, Quinn woke up again, and took Rachel's arms away from her before slipping out of the closet. It was her way of preventing the madness that would happen if the nurses came in to the room, and didn't find anyone.

But before she left, she knelt and dropped one soft kiss on the top of the girl's head, and whispered.

"Please... Please be okay."

She took a piece of paper from the girl desk, and with a pink crayon she wrote a note, so the girl didn't felt abandoned when she woke up. With her best calligraphy she wrote "Today will be a better day." and added a smiley face and a little heart on the end of it.

She wasn't used to being the strong one, the steady one. But for Rachel she could be anything. And it worried her how many feelings she was developing for someone with whom she hadn't exchanged more than a few words.

But even if the worries just got bigger and never left her mind, she knew it was already too late; she couldn't stop caring and trying to help Rachel anymore.

And thinking of where all of that could lead them to, made her shake.


	9. There is beauty: Chapter 8

**Author's note:** Yesterday was our record of most visitors in one night! I'm pretty overwhelmed by how many people are reading this everyday, I never thought I would get so many visitors! Thank you so much guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter, and don't forget to review!

* * *

Chapter 8 - There is beauty in the breaking

Quinn woke up feeling well rested, which she hadn't in a long time. She fluttered her eyes open and smiled; Rachel was asleep on her own bed, safe and sound. Her hair was a mess all over her face and there was drool on her pillowcase.

None of that mattered to Quinn, because she knew what it meant – Rachel had slept the whole night in her bed again, without waking up scared and running back to the closet. The whole thing gave Quinn a feeling that it was going to be a nice day.

After breakfast she went to the music room, and even though she wasn't the only one there, she ignored the others and played anyway. She felt light, she was in such a good mood that she didn't care about anyone else; she felt like nothing could bring her down.

When her fingers started to hurt from playing the guitar, she dropped it beside her. She felt rushed; she couldn't stop moving and her mind was running even faster.

In a second, she realized what was going on. Some of her medicines were changed during her last check up. She hadn't put up a fight against it like she always did, because the last change – one yellow pill for two pink ones – had been effective. But now she remembered why she used to be so angry about those pills on the first place.

She didn't feel like herself. But she wasn't sure about how she felt about that either.

* * *

Quinn opened the bedroom door, and her breath got caught in her chest when she saw Rachel sitting on her bed wearing a light dress, a cardigan, flat shoes and her bangs pinned to the side.

Since Rachel never left the room, Quinn never had seen the girl in anything but comfortable clothes or her sleepwear. She stood by the door for a few seconds with her mouth slight opened, but only realized that she was blatantly staring when Rachel looked down with her cheeks turning pink.

"You look great!" Quinn encouraged the girl, closing the door behind her and sitting on her own bed. She didn't understand what all of that was for, but the answer came quickly.

"I want to eat outside today" Rachel murmured, still looking down.

Quinn was almost sure she had squealed when she heard it. She was about to jump out of bed, but collected herself and simply nodded with a bright smile.

"Okay! That's great!'' Quinn smiled, unsure of what to do next.

"Can you come with me?" Her voice was even smaller, so low that Quinn could barely hear it.

''Of course, yeah! Are you ready to go?"

Quinn asked, and upon the girl's nod of agreement she completed.

"Okay. Let's go then!"

While one of Quinn's hands moved to get the door knob, the other was caught by Rachel's. She was surprised, but turned around and greeted the act with a smile and nod, trying to help the girl with the last little push she needed.

She took a second to adjust to the feeling; Rachel's hand felt so small against hers, and she held it so tight that Quinn knew how important her company was.

Quinn twisted the door knob and Rachel followed her out, hiding behind her back and using Quinn as a shield for anything they might face on the way. The hallway was empty though, so Quinn looked behind her and tighten the grip on their hands, which made Rachel look up to her.

After lifting her head and realizing they were alone, she felt more comfortable walking at Quinn's side. They walked slowly. Quinn was aware that Rachel mustn't have got a chance to get to know the institution, since she had such a _difficult_ moving day. So she took the opportunity to show Rachel the things that were in their way to the cafeteria: bedrooms, the nurse's office, the director's office, other bedrooms, the TV room.

Quinn could only imagine how nervous Rachel was, and was still in shock because of the sudden decision, but mostly because of how confident Rachel seemed when stating that wanted to go out.

Rachel's state was changing quickly for the better. It was evident every day, with one little step on each one. Quinn was so happy that she even considered thanking their therapist.

Rachel did her best to remain calm and pay attention to everything that she was being told, nodding to everything she was shown. However, Rachel's hands betrayed her, letting Quinn know how nervous the girl was by how sweaty her hands were.

Realization must have hit Rachel even faster than Quinn, since she was the one to tighten the grip this time – there was a man wandering around in the middle of their way.

Rachel came closer to Quinn, bumping their arms together and loosening her hair from behind her ears to fall in front of her face. She was unease and she was trying to become somehow invisible. But there was no reason for that - Quinn wouldn't let the man approach her anyway. He wouldn't have the courage, or at least not after Quinn glared him with so much hate in her eyes.

"Hey." Rachel's head snapped up to realize that Quinn was talking to her. "It's okay" She murmured with a smile, motioning with her head to show Rachel that the man was now behind them. Rachel let out a small sigh and smiled. "You're doing great." Quinn encouraged, but the girl didn't motion to move further away from Quinn – not that Quinn minded; all she wanted was for Rachel to feel comfortable anyway.

When they got there, almost all the patients were already sitting and eating. Quinn heard a low whimper coming from the girl's mouth when she saw how many people there were, but they had come too far only to give up now.

"Do you wanna sit and wait while I grab food for us?" She turned her head to murmur so only Rachel would hear her, and almost got lost in the scent of the girl's hair, but was brought back to reality when Rachel shot her eyes wide open and shook her head. She wasn't ready to be left alone in such a crowded room.

"It's okay, it's okay." Quinn eased her with a smile. "You come with me, then."

She placed two trays on the counter, and managed to align them so when she pushed one the other moved too, since Rachel didn't seem to be willing to let go of her hand.

The lunch lady held a big spoon full of pasta and Quinn nodded. Rachel held her eyes down, avoiding eye contact, but Quinn ran her thumb against the back of the girl's hand, trying to show her that they were waiting to see if she wanted pasta too, and she nodded. And that was repeated in every stop, until their plates were full.

Quinn let Rachel take her time, so when a lady sighed in line behind them, it took all of Quinn's good will not to flip that tray and hit the woman's face with it. The lady must have felt it on Quinn's face, because she immediately shut up, and Quinn was able to move on and finish the task, grabbing one apple for each one of them.

But Rachel poked Quinn's arms, and Quinn looked up, confused, until she saw Rachel's eyes moving to catch a glimpse of the cookies. For a moment Quinn had forgotten about how much Rachel liked those.

When they were done, Quinn turned to murmur to Rachel again. "Can you pick up your tray?" She saw the girl's eyes flickering nervously, but she let go of Quinn's hand and picked it up, holding it firmly and doing her best to make sure she didn't drop it in the way.

Quinn picked up her own tray with only one hand, and used the other arm to wrap Rachel's shoulder protectively as they walked to the nearest table, and she could see that her action were effective when Rachel smiled and walked with much more confidence than before.

She loved this; feeling like she was protecting Rachel, knowing the girl felt safe under her embrace. Such a tiny action made her heart flutter in a way that she couldn't explain. She only hoped this was not another effect of her medicines.

Quinn put her tray down on the table and helped Rachel with hers before pulling the chair like the good gentlewoman she was, so that Rachel could sit down, and then moved to sit down across the table in front of her roommate.

None of them moved for a minute. Quinn waited for Rachel to start eating so she would too, but after a while she realized the girl must have been feeling uncomfortable with Quinn watching her. So Quinn took the first step and filled her spoon, taking it to her mouth and chewing, while waiting for Rachel to do the same.

Rachel looked down at her plate intensively, and held the spoon tight in her clenched fists. Quinn had already eaten half of her lunch when she finally moved and tried to get the food on the spoon. But it was hard. Everyone is used to having a knife to help push the food on to the spoon, and trying to do so without said knife was making the food fall off from her plate, which made her more anxious as she tried.

Quinn cleared her throat, getting the girl attention, and then motioned with her head to her own tray, which had more food on it then in the actual plate. "Look around" Quinn murmured, even though she knew the girl wouldn't. "No one is looking at us. No one cares. Don't worry."

But Quinn knew Rachel wasn't totally convinced yet, so she took a big chunk of chicken in her hands and shoved it in her mouth. While she was on it, all she could think about was how her mother would have a heart attack seeing her eating _gracefully_ like that.

It made Rachel laugh though, and that laugh was followed by a sigh that made Rachel close her eyes before lifting the spoon to her mouth. Quinn smiled proudly nodding when Rachel's eyes opened again.

Spoon by spoon, Rachel grew more brave, not caring about everyone around them, and Quinn could swear half way through lunch the girl had already started lifting her eyes to peek around and see what other patients were like, what they were doing, or what they were talking about. She looked like a curious little puppy, and Quinn bit her lip holding back sighs of admiration.

It had been a while since the two of them were finished eating when Rachel turned to find Quinn's eyes and that look alone was enough for Quinn to understand that the girl was telling her she was ready to leave.

She got up and placed Rachel's tray on top of hers, before walking around the table and holding her hand out for Rachel, who didn't hesitate on grabbing it before getting up and following Quinn to put the trays back on the counter and leave.

* * *

On their way back to their room, Quinn thought about taking an alternative way, to show Rachel the other wing of the institution, but she thought Rachel had already made progress enough for one day and chose to only guide the girl back to their room.

Rachel sighed deeply in contentment when they got inside the room and Quinn smiled, congratulating her. She stood by the door while Rachel looked around, as if thinking of what do next before deciding to just sit on her bed.

Quinn smiled again, and was turning around to get out and leave the room for Rachel when she heard the small voice.

"Where are you going?" She whispered, with eyes that flickered from curiosity to fear.

Quinn shrugged. "I don't know, nowhere?" She bit her lip. She didn't have any place to be, she just had assumed that Rachel liked being alone, so she left for most of the day.

"Can you stay here with me?" Her voice was even smaller, and Quinn imagined how many days had she wanted to ask that but didn't have the courage, and damned herself for not realizing it before.

"Of course I can!" She answered with smile, walking to sit on her bed. Rachel laid down and closed her eyes, and Quinn assumed that the girl only wanted her company, to know that someone else was there after such an overwhelming day.

If that's what she needed, Quinn was happy to help.

If Rachel wants, Rachel gets it.

* * *

Quinn started to hang more in her room now that she knew that Rachel liked having her around. Her getaways now consisted mostly of going out to get her meals – with Rachel by her side, to go to see her psychologist, or to walking Rachel to her own therapy sessions, for after Rachel started coming out to eat the psychologist refused to do the sessions in their room.

But buried deep inside of her there was always that weird feeling of anxiety, like a child who gets too excited about something and just can't turn it off and ends up doing everything in a rush because they just can't bear to waste time.

"How are you feeling Quinn?"

The urge to kill her psychologist was just one of the other things she also had to bury deep inside her. She was _almost_ sure that killing her would get at least another whole year inside that institution and she really wanted to go out.

She shrugged.

"How was lunch today?"

She had to stop herself from almost opening up. It always happened when she was asked something related to Rachel; she wanted to share with someone how cute the girl looked with pasta sauce on the corner of her lips, or how adorable she looked when she blew on her straw today during lunch and then giggled at the bubbles that appeared on the surface of her orange juice.

Just Rachel's company itself was enough to make those everyday mundane moments the best experiences she had ever had.

She wondered if Rachel talked about her on her sessions.

"It was okay."

Nods. She was getting super tired of those nods. When she was little and people asked what super power she wished she had, she had always asked to fly – it would be a way of running away from all the pressure her parents trusted upon her even during childhood. But if she was asked now, she would sure ask for the power to read people's minds. It would make everything much easier.

"You are feeling better."

It was a statement, not a question.

"No, I'm not." She frowned.

Yes, she was.

A few months back she wouldn't have lasted a day without cutting if she had the weapons she needed, and now two weeks had passed and the needles she stole were still hidden in the back of her drawer. She even forgot about them, sometimes.

She was talking more. She was smiling more. And deep down, she knew that the feeling that was bothering her so much was actually happiness. She wasn't used to feeling that way, and she didn't know how to handle it, or what to do with all of that.

And she didn't want to like feeling that way, but it felt like she couldn't help it.

"Why don't you allow yourself to feel happy? Don't you feel like you deserve it?"

She wondered if her face just made what she was thinking too obvious, or if the therapist was actually good enough to get that without Quinn saying anything.

But she stopped to think about it, and it made a lot of sense. She didn't deserve that happiness. She had done so many bad things; She let her parents down, she wasn't a good daughter, she wasn't a good friend... and she was a terrible mother.

Even with all those facts, that's not why the happiness felt weird. She wouldn't mind being happy if there was an actual reason for it, but she _hated_ knowing that this was just another way of fooling her body; that all of that just came because of those medicines she was taking.

She was lying to her body, she was lying to herself. She was doing what she found to be the most disgusting action in the world. She wasn't happy and she had no reason to make her body feel otherwise.

She didn't want to get used to being happy. Especially because she knew it would go away the minute she stopped taking her medicines. So she figured it was for the best if she stopped before getting too attached to the feeling.

And when the session was over, she had made a decision: she wouldn't take her medicines anymore.


	10. How I'm breaking: Chapter 9

**Author's note:** Okay so yesterday I said we beat the most-visitors-in-one-day record and today I woke up to more than the double of it! I'm so happy that you guys are loving this story as much as I do! Thank you for reading!

* * *

Chapter 9 - How I'm breaking while you fall asleep

Quinn had almost swallowed her medicines when she remembered she had decided to stop taking them. It was just a habit now; she wouldn't even think about it when she pushed them down her throat with a huge glass of water, to help her to ignore the awful taste they had.

Luckily, she was able to hold them behind her teeth before they slipped to her throat, and even more luckily, the nurse paid almost no attention to her opened mouth; Quinn had been behaving better lately so they were going much easier on her.

She spit them in to the nearby toilet and flushed, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and letting out a groan of disgust just from the faint taste that was left behind.

Since each pill worked in a way, she had no idea which one of them was making her feel uncomfortable. She didn't had the patience to check them one by one and find out which one it was, so she decided to stop taking all of them. However, she also didn't know how much time it would take for the medication to be completely out of her system, which made it harder to tell if what she was feeling was really a feeling or just an effect of the medicine.

The only she didn't stop taking was the night one that everyone took before going to sleep. She knew she was addicted to it because she could never sleep without taking it. She despised the way the institution got them hooked on those medications, but she figured that she would have to fight one battle at a time, and this one would have to wait.

But if there is something she had mastered early in life, it was the art of acting. So when she got out of the bathroom with a big smile on her face, she was just sure that no one would ever find out what she had been doing in there.

* * *

Rachel had been sleeping much better now that she had left the closet for good. She still woke up crying on some nights, but it had been happening less and less as the time progressed.

Still, that didn't change the fact that Rachel always slept right through breakfast, and woke up almost in time for lunch. Quinn figured maybe her sleeping pills were stronger, as a way of trying to get her to sleep through her "nightmares" or whatever it is that she had.

But since the day Rachel asked Quinn not to leave the room, she could always rely on having her roommate there when she woke up. Quinn was simply obsessed with how adorable it was to see Rachel waking up after a good night of sleep.

"Good morning"

Quinn cheered watching Rachel blinking a few times and trying to rub the sleepiness out of her eyes before stretching out her arms and yawning.

The fluttering of the girl's eyes reminded Quinn of a happy butterfly flying around, and made her heart swoon.

"Good morning"

She was answered with a shy smile. Quinn wasn't sure about how Rachel felt about all of that, or even if Rachel knew that she was being watched, but annoyance seemed to be one emotion that was never behind her eyes so Quinn never bothered to change her new habit.

"Is it lunch time yet?"

Rachel asked without even raising her head up from the pillow, in that husky sleepy voice that made Quinn tingle. But Quinn just giggled and shook her head.

"Someone woke up hungry today, huh?"

Rachel shrugged and closed her eyes again, sighing with a smile still on her face.

They have been talking much more now that they're always together. Rachel wasn't as shy as she used to be, and sometimes even tried to start a new conversation when one of those deep silences fell upon the room.

Those conversation starters made Quinn feel much better, working as a way of assuring her that she is not overwhelming Rachel by trying to get her to talk all the time; Quinn could see that the girl really liked talking to her.

In fact, she seemed to like to talk a lot and Quinn felt like she could go hours and hours just listening to the girl. But that day hasn't come yet; for now she is more than content with the feel words they exchange as the day goes by.

"I hope they have cookies today."

Quinn snorted. She almost thought that Rachel had fallen back asleep when she opened her eyes with a big smile and said that.

"Did you _dream_ about food?"

"No..." But the pink that flushed her face made Quinn think otherwise.

"They're gonna have cookies today" said Quinn, lying back on bed and closing her eyes, as a way of making them stop leering at Rachel.

"How do you know?" Rachel whispered, as if they were trading one of the world's biggest secrets, and the curiosity on her voice made Quinn have to bite back a smile.

"I just do."

Quinn figured it would be nicer to let the girl imagining how Quinn knew this kind of stuff instead of just telling her that she had memorized the days they made them. She needed to know how long those intervals were so she could have spare cookies saved to drop at Rachel's closet at night when she still slept there. She always made sure Rachel had her cookies.

* * *

It hadn't been a long time since they came back from lunch. Rachel munched on her cookies, doing her best to keep crumbles off her bed, while Quinn tried to read in her bed, which was actually just a way of pretending she was doing something other than stare at Rachel.

"I'm bored."

Quinn quirked one eyebrow up and looked at Rachel, who nodded at her, as if trying to make it clear that she was serious. Quinn sat up and dropped her book on her lap, drumming her fingers on top of it.

"Okay. So what do you wanna do?"

Rachel shrugged, looking away. Quinn pursued her lips, trying to think of something. She figured Rachel had something on her mind but was too shy to tell her what it was. Quinn would have to try and find out.

"Why don't you draw?"

She asked, motioning with her head to the girl's desk. Rachel frowned and shook her head. Quinn knew this was a long shot, the girl must be tired of doing so, since it's the only option she had inside the room. And then Quinn mind's clicked: she probably wanted to go out of the room!

"What if we go to the music-"

"I can't get out." Rachel shook her head with her eyes wide. She must have read the confusion on Quinn's face because she quickly tried to explain. "I just don't feel ready..."

Quinn shook the curiosity out of her face and promptly soothed the girl.

"It's okay. We can do a lot of things in here, like, hm..."

But her mind was blank again. She knew it had to be something they could do in there but she just didn't have any ideas and felt absolutely lost without a hint of what Rachel wanted to do. After what if felt like an eternity her mind was finally painted with an idea she thought could be effective.

"Why don't we have a movie night?"

She questioned excitedly, but Rachel's eyes grew unsure, borderline suspicious.

"What do you mean by a movie night?"

"Well, we could grab the DVD player of the TV room and use our TV, even though it is kind of small. We could choose a good movie, grab some extra cookies and milk from dinner, and just watch it in here!"

Quinn could see that Rachel was considering the idea, and the cookies surely made it even more appealing, but she still didn't seem as certain as Quinn thought she would be.

"Are we allowed to bring all that stuff to our room?" She frowned.

No, they weren't.

"Of course we are!" Quinn huffed. She had brought a whole keyboard to their room, nothing would stop her of bringing what they needed for the movie night. "You can just wait in here while I grab them okay?"

Rachel's face finally broke into a smile and she nodded; she had bought Quinn's idea, and now Quinn was worrying, thinking of what would happen if she couldn't bring everything she promised.

* * *

Just a few minutes before dinner, Quinn knocked lightly on the door to let Rachel know she was there before opening it and pushing in a cleaning cart, covered with an old sheet. She put her index finger in front of her mouth, telling Rachel to be quiet when the girl motioned to give an excited squeal, and closed the door behind her with a heavy sigh of someone who was really afraid of being caught.

She wasn't exactly cautious, anyone who had seen her would have asked what she was bringing, regardless of the cover she tried to put over everything. But she liked the effect it had when she pulled the sheets, like a magician, and the DVD player and plate of cookies appeared, making Rachel giggle and clap her hands.

"I couldn't get the milk though." She pouted. "I guess we're just gonna have to drink tap water."

"Water is fine." Rachel nodded with a smile, bringing herself to sit on the edge of the bed and watch as Quinn connected the cables to turn on the DVD player. "What are we watching?"

"The Beauty and the Beast?" Quinn frowned, unsure. She had spent a lot of time deciding the movie. She knew thriller or horror weren't an option, and she ended up picking a Disney movie, but now she was afraid Rachel would judge her or see her as too childish for that decision.

But Rachel opened a big smile.

"I love that movie!"

"Great!" Quinn exclaimed, much more relieved, and started moving her bed to put it against the wall, so they could use it as a couch.

She inserted the movie on the player, filled two plastic cups with water and sat on the bed with the plate of cookies.

"Aren't you coming?" She smiled to Rachel and the girl hesitated for a few seconds before giving in and walking to sit next to Quinn.

As the movie went on, the plate of cookies went empty, and Quinn moved it to the nightstand. And suddenly she realized the gap between her and Rachel.

They both sat with their backs against the wall, and it wasn't exactly comfortable, but none of them had the guts to move closer. Quinn kept looking down to Rachel's hands as they careless played with her sheets, and she really wanted to join her but she didn't have an excuse like all the other times she got close to Rachel. It would make her too vulnerable in case the girl rejected her move, so she simply didn't move at all.

More awkward than that was when the tiny letters started to go up in the screen. The movie was over, but Rachel seemed so lost in her own world that she didn't move. Quinn stared at her subtly, and saw her gaze lost in the air, making Quinn totally lost in what she should do next.

"Rachel?" She whispered, and the girl's head snapped back at her, with her eyes wide open as if she had just seen a ghost. "Are you okay?"

And with that, it was like Rachel's trance was broken. She nodded lightly and looked around. Realizing that the movie was gone, she got up from Quinn's bed and tucked herself on her own, curling up in fetal position and closing her eyes tight.

Quinn silently pushed her bed back in to its original place, while cursing herself. She didn't know what had happened to Rachel, but she was almost positive it was a consequence of something she did, being it either the movie she picked or the way she was completely frozen while watching it.

She tried not to think so hard about it though, and lay on her bed after turning off the TV. But she couldn't ignore Rachel's light whimpers, and the noise that the bed made when the girl shook.

"Quinn?"

And she would never, ever, ignore that sweet voice calling her name.

"Yeah?"

When she turned around, she saw Rachel with her big eyes open, looking right in her direction. Quinn could see that she was trying to say something, but was struggling with her confidence to say it. But after a deep breath, it finally came in a tiny whisper.

"I'm so scared"

Rachel answered as a shy tear came out, and she closed her eyes to prevent others from doing so.

"Of what?"

Quinn asked in worry, kneeling by the girl's bed. The girl shook her head and Quinn realized how much of a dumb question she had just asked. Asking for someone to talk about their fears during a panic attack might be just one of the worst ideas ever.

"Don't be. Everything will be fine. _So_ fine…" She whispered, grabbing Rachel's hand like she had many times before as Rachel cried.

"Can you lay here with me? Just for a second, I promise!"

Rachel tried to reason, almost as if she thought Quinn would say no.

And Quinn noticed Rachel had no idea of the power she had over her.

Quinn's heart stopped for a mili second, but she promptly jumped up and walked in to Rachel's bed. This was her ideal situation: she would get exactly what she had wanted, but she didn't have to ask for it nor put herself out there to deal with a possible no – like Rachel had just done. And how she admired the girl for that.

"You're so brave..." Quinn whispered, mostly to herself, but she was sure Rachel had heard, because the girl who was simply laying by her side scoot closer and laid her head on Quinn's shoulder, wrapping her arms around her waist and gripping on her arm as if the moment she let go the world would fall apart.

Because maybe that's just how she felt, Quinn figured. She was so shocked with the sudden action that she froze for a second, but once she took a deep breath and relaxed, she ran her hand up and down on Rachel's back, trying to soothe her and feeling her tears wetting her clothes while she broke on sobs.

Quinn felt so confused. Only she could be the reason for Rachel's breakdowns, because there was no one else in the room, and nothing else that could do that to her – but if she was the reason for them, why would Rachel call her for help?

When Quinn realized, Rachel was already asleep. Her breath was even again, and she had moved, with her face buried on Quinn's neck and her arm wrapped around it. Quinn didn't know how she hadn't realized before, but now there was nothing more distracting to her than Rachel's hot breath right against her skin. She tried to prevent her goose bumps but they soon rose on her arms and she could only hope that Rachel wouldn't notice.

It was all too much. She was tense, and she knew it wasn't right for her to feel that way about someone who wasn't even awake. So she moved, trying to slowly move the girl away so she could go back to her bad. But Rachel tightened the grip and whispered tearfully.

"Please, don't go."

Quinn gulped, and moved her hand from Rachel's back to her hair, caressing it and turning her head to get a little bit more of that dazzling smell.

"I'm not going anywhere." She whispered back, and finally relaxed, allowing her body to fall asleep in Rachel's arms. "Ever".

"Promise?"


	11. You are the space in my bed: Chapter 10

Chapter 10 - You are the space in my bed

Rachel got out of the psychologist and Quinn, who waited for her right by the door, stood up and offered a hand to walk the girl back to her room.

"Quinn! You're next, why don't you come in?"

Quinn looked over her shoulder to the smiling therapist holding the door open, and then to Rachel who was biting her lip and with her eyes pleading that Quinn wouldn't leave her all alone there.

"No. I'm going to walk Rachel back to our room."

"Oh, just come on in, Quinn. She can go by herself, right Rachel?"

Quinn felt Rachel's hand shivering against her own.

"Don't pressure her. She doesn't want to, and I don't mind going with her."

"She doesn't want, or you don't want to let go of her? She's her own person, Quinn."

Quinn fell silent for a moment. She liked walking Rachel around. The fact that Rachel needed her gave her a sense of purpose, a reason to get out of bed in the morning. But what if Rachel didn't need her, and she was just seeing things wrong?

No. She knew the psychologist was just messing with her head. She couldn't be so blind about this. Right now, Rachel was the only thing Quinn was sure about.

"Do you want to go alone?" She asked in a murmur, so that only Rachel would hear her. The girl gripped Quinn's hand tightly, shaking her head slightly. Quinn was smart enough to realize it in time and didn't let the psychologist fool her.

"No, I'm going with her." She said with one last huff, before disappearing on to the hallway.

* * *

"Do you have something you want to talk about today, Quinn?"

Quinn shook her head. She would just rather not be there at all. She had always hated therapy, but right now with her mood swings being as crazy as they were since she stopped taking the medicines, tolerating that woman seemed even harder.

"Then why don't we talk a little bit about your favorite subject?"

Quinn frowned and gulped. Of course she knew what the psychologist was talking about, but she didn't want to admit it.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You don't?" She quirked her eyebrow up. "Yes, you do. Let's talk about Rachel!"

She said with an exaggerated smile that made Quinn want to rip her insides out. She didn't like hearing the girl's name out of the psychologist mouth. She felt almost jealous. She felt like she was being mocked, or worse, that the woman was mocking Rachel. But her curiosity was bigger, and she had a little flame of hope that pushed her to ask.

"What about her?"

The psychologist's smile spread, satisfied that Quinn was getting in her game. Quinn took a deep breath, trying to control herself better.

"Have you noticed how she is feeling better? She's making such good progress. We're all very proud. I bet she will be out of here in no time."

Quinn hadn't stopped to think about it yet, but now that it was brought up, she could say that she saw it. Rachel left the room almost four times per day - counting the meals and her appointments - didn't sleep in her closet anymore, was talking and smiling much more often than before... Quinn wanted to believe she was the reason for all of that, but she wasn't that sure. She wished she was, but she knew that the bigger part of the progress had happened because of the medicines. And hearing that last sentence made her heart drop.

"I don't understand why you are telling me this."

Quinn asked with the deep frown frozen on her face.

"I just wanted to know if you realized. If you notice how good it feels to get better."

Well but this was definitely not what she expected.

She wanted Rachel to get better and get out of there, because even though she barely knew anything about her history, she was sure that there was something waiting for her on the outside. Rachel was captivating and energetic. She could do whatever she wanted. She could have whatever she fancied. Quinn hoped everything in her life would go exactly as she planned when she was just a little girl, because Rachel deserved it. She deserved everything.

But for her, however, there was nothing. If she managed to come out of there, she wouldn't have a place to go, she wouldn't have people waiting for her, and she wouldn't have a future to look forward to. It's not that she wanted to stay in the institution, she absolutely loathed the place. That's why she was so fond of the idea of dying. She didn't belong anywhere, there was no reason to stay in here and keep bothering other people. She could just spare everyone's time.

* * *

It doesn't matter how hard Quinn tried, she just couldn't get that thought out of her mind. It reminded her of the old days, when she would get so obsessed with the idea of killing herself that she would plan every tiny detail of it, and even write a letter for when her body was found.

She didn't come this far this time, but she was very close to it. Every single thing that her eyes laid on was a new of idea of how to do it. Everything people said felt like just another motivation.

Every breath felt heavier and more difficult.

But what hurt her the most, was the moment Rachel realized it.

"Did you enjoy dinner tonight?" She was sitting on her bed, brushing her hair while Quinn pretended to read a book to avoid conversation. Maybe Rachel felt that, because her voice was incredibly small when she said it.

Quinn didn't even bother to answer; she just shrugged and kept running her eyes over the page.

"I think the cookies were especially good today." Rachel nodded to herself, putting the brush aside and laying on her bed. Quinn just nodded along, not even realizing how this lack of response could hurt Rachel.

"You're quiet today..." Rachel sounded even smaller. Quinn knew Rachel wouldn't give up so soon, and since someone had to, it might as well be her. She dropped her book on her nightstand and turned to lie on her side, facing Rachel.

It was nice that Rachel could read her eyes. Quinn struggled to let them show everything she was feeling, but the moment she blinked and opened them raw, with everything that she was keeping inside of her - Rachel stopped talking and just kept staring, as if she understood. And they laid there, soaking up each other's glaze until Rachel's eyelids started getting heavier.

Quinn wanted to walk there and lay with Rachel again. She wanted to curl up against the girl, snuggle to her side and have her wrapping her arms so tightly around Quinn that all the bad feelings would just be pushed away from her.

To feel Rachel's breath close to her, and count her heartbeats as a way of getting her mind busy.

But Rachel didn't invite her today, and she couldn't invade the girl's bed. Of course, she could ask for it herself, but she was too proud to admit for Rachel why she needed it. She couldn't find the words to say that if she didn't have someone holding her, she alone wouldn't be able to hold herself together.

At the second she saw Rachel's breathe getting even and she knew the girl was sound asleep, she got up quietly and walked to the bathroom. If she couldn't kill herself, she knew she had a way of sending the feelings away for at least a little while, and she couldn't wait to feel the adrenaline pumping in her veins.

She had almost forgotten where she had hidden the needles, and it took a while for her to find them but when she did she couldn't even bring herself back to her bed and started right there, on the bathroom floor.

She didn't care if people saw it, she wanted to slice her wrists open like she hadn't since she came there. To see the dark red blood dripping until she started to feel dizzy.

But she started sticking just the tip of the needles on her skin, and watching the droplets. One tiny ball after the other. When there were enough of them, set at the whole extension of her wrist, she ran the needle, making them all become one thin line. And she smiled within a shaky breath.

Her cuts weren't as straight as they used to be; she had lost the hand of it, but she knew she could get it back. And she kept opening them. Two. Three. The fourth was almost perfectly straight and she had to close her eyes after looking at it for a few seconds.

When she opened them, she almost screamed. Rachel was standing right there, with her hands on her opened mouth. Quinn could see the disgust in Rachel's face, and it made her eyes sting and try to cry, but she wouldn't let them. She held the needle in her closed fist and kept her eye on Rachel.

Slitting another cut while looking deeply at Rachel's eyes was as close as a help plea as she could ever make. Rachel looked away, and Quinn could see how the girl tried not to look too scared. She was trying to be strong for Quinn, and Quinn just wanted to cut more and more deeply.

"You are not taking your medicines." Rachel whispered, kneeling on the floor next to Quinn and looking at the red stains on the floor.

"You're right." Quinn nodded slowly, keeping her glaze down. It didn't matter the context, it didn't matter the situation. She wouldn't lie to Rachel. Suddenly, it was like all her beliefs were gone. Even all the reasoning she had with herself, explaining why she had to stop taking her meds, stopped making sense and were replaced by guilty with a quick glance of Rachel.

Rachel lifted her hand slowly and touched Quinn's cheek lightly, making her turn her face so that their eyes could be locked together again. Quinn felt her lower lip shivering. Rachel looked hurt. As if Quinn's cuts hurt her too.

While Quinn was lost on the girl's eyes, Rachel took advantage of the momentary distraction and grabbed Quinn's fist with her other hand, caressing it gently until Quinn relaxed enough to open it just slightly, and Rachel's finger slipped in, getting the needle out of there.

She picked the other needles that were resting in the middle of the blood on the floor, and threw all of them on the toilet. When Quinn heard the flush, she whimpered and moved her hands to hold the edge of the toilet as she watched the needles swirling away. She wanted to be mad at Rachel for doing that, but the words got stuck in her throat and she could never look at those big brown eyes with hate.

Rachel got up to grab toilet paper and placed it on the top of the fresh wounds, watching the color change and replacing the sheets when they got soaked. She lost count of how many she had used when the blood finally stopped flowing.

She sat on the floor in front of Quinn, holding her wrist and running her thumb along the lines.

"Don't do this, Quinn." She murmured. Quinn looked up to her with a small pout. She knew what Rachel was talking about; she just hadn't seen it coming.

"Stop doing it. Please." She said every word slowly, looking deep inside Quinn's eyes and Quinn knew that she meant it. "Take your medicines again."

But Quinn had to interrupt her on that.

"I can't." She shook her head whispering and fluttering her eyes to fight the tears.

"Yes, you can." She moved her fingers, interlacing them with Quinn's. "You have to, Quinn."

She didn't need to say anything more. Quinn could hear the rest of it in her mind.

She needed to stay there for Rachel. Rachel needed her. Rachel cared about her.

"Why are you doing this?" Quinn breathed out, overwhelming tears threatening to fall of her eyes with the next blink.

"You help me, I help you." Rachel shrugged with a small smile, holding up their hands together.

And the so many tears Quinn was holding started to fall, all at once, rolling down her face.

Rachel got up and pulled Quinn against her.

"Come here." She murmured, and pulled Quinn to follow her to her bed.

Rachel laid and pulled the covers for Quinn to lie down next to her. When Quinn felt Rachel hugging her, she sobbed. The proximity made her feel better than she had ever felt cutting. She closed her eyes while Rachel ran her fingers through her hair, and buried her face on the girl's shoulder, just like Rachel had done so many times.

"Quinn." Rachel called, and Quinn quickly looked up. "Promise me you'll take your meds? Please?"

Quinn gulped. She wanted to explain to Rachel all of her reasons. To tell her why she thought the medicines weren't good for them, but Rachel looked desperate, as if her life depended on Quinn's answers. And the words slipped out of her lips before she could stop them, doing the impossible to be sure that Rachel's eyes would light up again. And to knowing that she was going to be the reason for that light.

"Okay." She nodded, not sure if she would be able to keep her promise but with the will to try her best.

"Thank you." Rachel replied and hugged her tighter, running her fingers through Quinn's hair. "Goodnight, Quinn."

But Quinn couldn't reply. If she opened her mouth she would start sobbing again.

* * *

Eighteen minutes. That's how much time it took from when Quinn woke up until someone noticed her fresh scars and took her away for a checkup.

She woke up on Rachel's arms, and finding those big brown eyes as the first thing she saw on the morning made her heart skip a beat. Rachel had woken up earlier, and was watching her sleep, just like Quinn had done several times.

"Has anyone ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?" She whispered, with a husky morning voice.

"Good morning, Quinn." Rachel ignored her question, but smiled brightly and Quinn was thrilled to see how her compliment affected her roommate.

"Good morning." She looked down, and the droplets of dried blood on the sheets made the whole previous night pass in a flash in her mind, reminding her of everything that had happened. "Thank you for yesterday."

Rachel didn't even waited until she was done talking to start shaking her head. She knew Rachel wouldn't accept it, but she thought it was important to show to the brunette how grateful she was for what she had done.

When the medicines were given to them on the usual tiny plastic cups, Quinn could feel Rachel's eyes on her, and with one big gulp of the water she swallowed all of them, turning to Rachel with her mouth open widely before smiling again when Rachel held her thumb up in approval.

Quinn explained to Rachel that when they found out they would take her away to see the doctors and that she probably would be away for the whole day. When Rachel stated that she wasn't ready to leave the room by herself, Quinn took a mental note to make sure that the meals would be delivered in the room for her.

And now, feeling the cold metal of the table through the thin gown that she wore while the doctor ran his fingers all over her body looking for more evidence of self-harming, the only thing she could think about was whether or not Rachel had eaten. She hoped she had.

* * *

When all the tests had been taken, she was send directly to an extra session with the therapist and this time, unlike all the others, she had something on her mind, a question to be precise, that made her look forward to it.

"And when you had the needles on your hand. How did you feel then?"

Quinn had answered all the previous question with automatic answers; her mind wasn't there, it was building up the courage to ask her what she really wanted to know. And now she felt prepared, not caring about what the psychologist would think out of it.

"How did Rachel end up on my room?"

The psychologist was caught off guard, not understanding how this was related to her question, only to realize that it wasn't and that this was what was distracting Quinn. She frowned and shook her head, unsure of what Quinn was asking.

"I'm sorry, what?"

Quinn took a deep breath, playing with the hem of her dress.

"There are plenty of other rooms. How are they sorted? How did she end up being my roommate?"

"Oh." Now Quinn saw that her question was understood. "It's not random, if that's what you want to know. We separate the patients by how severe the case is." The therapist stopped, opening her mouth to talk again but hesitating and biting her lip before continuing. "I don't have permission to tell you a lot about that, but we thought that since she was very quiet and reserved in general, she wouldn't make you angry like the others did."

They fell in silence for a few minutes, but the therapist broke it.

"We never expected you two to grow so fond of each other, though. I guess this place is just full of good surprises."

Quinn was hoping to hear that it had been random. That maybe God didn't hate her after all, and had sent Rachel to help her. Because that's how she saw Rachel. Like an angel.

Therefore, she was a little bit disappointed in the psychologist response, and even more because she realized that she would have to swallow her pride to take the next pass that she needed, even though she wasn't sure if the woman was sarcastic or not when talking about how good it was that they were friends.

"Thank you." Quinn murmured, before explaining further. "For sending her to me."


	12. See I love you: Chapter 11

**Author's Note:** We won't have updates tomorrow, but prepare yourselves because on Sunday there will be a very special one!

Until then, I hope you enjoy this one! And don't forget to review :)

* * *

Chapter 11 - See I love you but it scared me

No one could imagine how relieved Quinn was with the new dynamic of their nights. Now she didn't have to struggle with her urge to be close to her roommate before sleeping; if she didn't crawl to Rachel's bed, she could count on having the girl coming to hers.

Limbs wrapped around each other, they would fall asleep in a heartbeat and as odd as it seemed, since the new habit started, Rachel's problems during the night had stopped almost altogether. Not that she was magically cured now; she still had them, but they were happening on fewer and fewer occasions.

Strangely enough, they always started when Quinn wasn't around – but she was definitely there to make they go away.

Waking up like that, feeling the small body pressing against her, instead of having the nurses burst into the room yelling for her to get up, gave Quinn a whole new kind of glow. When she already woke up feeling happy, it was hard for the bad thoughts to return during the day. With that, even her eyes had a new kind of light. A light that was caused by Rachel, and noticed by the same, who smiled every time their eyes met.

But for Quinn, the best part was how easy things happened. It wasn't awkward, and it didn't feel weird, like all her previous interactions with people seemed to be. It was natural. As if her arms were made on the perfect size to embrace the girl's waist, and like their brains had some kind of connection that made even the deepest silences feel comfortable.

They didn't need to talk, as long as they were close to each other. But even then, the talks had become more and more frequent, and Quinn just couldn't get tired of hearing that sweet voice. She was slowly coming to understand a little bit more of what was going on inside Rachel's mind.

* * *

Quinn was coming back from her therapy section and was surprised to find Rachel sitting on her desk.

''Hey, you. What are you doing?'' She asked, closing the door behind her and walking to her bed.

Regardless of the excruciating curiosity inside of her, she thought it wouldn't be nice to sneak over Rachel's shoulder to see the drawing.

''I'm drawing. But I can't get anything right since I came here.'' She murmured with a sigh, resting her hand on her hand.

''Can I see it?'' Quinn asked expectantly.

Rachel cringed unsure and bit her lower lip. Quinn gave a small chuckle and pleaded with her eyes, making Rachel give up and sat up straight so that Quinn could see it.

Quinn held back a small squeal and jumped out of her bed to see it.

Once she got a look, her mouth fell open and she fluttered her eyes in awe.

''Rachel... That's amazing!'' Quinn murmured to her, who blushed lightly and looked down timidly.

''Is that...?'' Quinn didn't finish her question, thinking it might sound pretentious.

''Yeah.''

Quinn gulped and moistened her lips, not finding any words to reply. But turned her head and looked deep in Rachel's eyes with the biggest smile in her face.

''Why did you draw me?'' She asked with a dubious smile.

Rachel blushed just a little bit harder and shrugged, looking away from Quinn's gaze.

''I need to apologize.''

Quinn got Rachel's attention, who looked at her with a concerned frown.

Now it was Quinn's turn to look down. She let out a sigh.

''I'm sorry I broke your ruler.''

Rachel laughed lowly, shaking her head and making her worried wrinkles fade away.

''I'm serious. It was rude of me.''

Rachel smiled and folded her drawing, giving a kiss on the paper before handing it out to Quinn.

''No hard feelings. It's what brought us closer together in the first place didn't it?.''

Quinn's smile spread in her face, and she nodded slowly, bringing the drawing close to her chest and holding, the way she wished she could hold Rachel.

* * *

''I like brownies better, though.'' Quinn said with a small shrug, bringing the look of disappointment in Rachel's face that made Quinn giggle.

Quinn took another sip of milk while Rachel finished swallowing her eggs.

''I could use some more cookies now.'' She said, covering her still full mouth as she talked.

Quinn giggled and nodded, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

''Do you want me to go get them for you?'' She asked out of habit, already motioning to get up when she felt the small hand holding her down.

''I- I think I can do it.'' Rachel murmured, taking a look around and noticing the cafeteria was already almost empty.

Quinn smiled proudly and gave the girl's hand a squeeze of encouragement. Her eyes didn't left Rachel as the girl stood up and walked to the buffet, with her head down to avoid meeting other people's gaze.

The lady looked at Rachel, asking what she wanted and the girl replied with a small shy smile before answering. She was glad the staff here seemed to be rather patient with her.

Both girls were already celebrating the success of Rachel's small mission when Quinn noticed a young man approaching Rachel.

Quinn frowned, but trying her best to avoid making a scene she held her anger down while the man talked to Rachel, since the girl didn't seem that distressed – just shy, as usual – Quinn thought that interrupting the interaction would make people see her action as one out of jealously. And of course she wasn't jealous.

But when the man took the two cookies out of Rachel's tray, making the girl turn her head with her huge brown eyes in startle looking for Quinn, she just couldn't hold it anymore. Getting up, she marched down the cafeteria with a furious frown.

''Hey, what's up here?'' She asked, and the man gave Rachel a threatening look before turning to answer Quinn.

''Nothing. Nothing at all. Right, doll?'' He turned to Rachel, awaiting an answer.

Rachel kept her eyes down and bit her lip apprehensively.

''Don't try and be funny with me, _doll._ I saw you taking her cookies.'' Quinn said, taking one step closer to the man. ''Give it back, right now.'' She demanded.

''Oh, did you? Now, you see. Those were my cookies. She took them by mistake.''

Quinn gave an ironic chuckle.

''I don't see your name on them. And I'm pretty sure I saw the lunch lady giving them out to _her,_ not to you. Just give them back already, let's avoid a problem here.''

''I know she's not gonna cause any problem. We had a little talk before you joined us.'' He said, looking at Rachel again and making the girl take a step back in fear.

''Are you seriously even thinking of threatening her in front of me?'' Quinn asked, raising her voice a little too loud.

''Okay, I ran out of patience now. Just go away alright? This is not your problem! The cookies weren't even yours in the first place!''

''I'm not worried about the cookies, you moron!'' Quinn yelled, flipping the man's tray all over him.

The man gasped and his face went red.

''Now look what you did! No one is gonna have any cookies now! Are you happy?'' He yelled back. ''You would be so damned if you weren't a girl right now!''

Quinn got furious and shoved the man away from her.

''Stop threatening us! We both know you wouldn't dare to touch me! Or her, for what matters!''

The man reached out his hand, trying to keep Quinn away from him by holding her shoulders and looking around to call the guards.

''I said. Don't. Touch. Me!'' She yelled again, punching his face and making him fall on his back.

Rachel got startled with the sudden action of events, and let out a scream before falling with her knees on the ground and starting to tremble.

''Now you're scaring her! And you've hurt me! Are you stupid?'' The man asked, holding his jaw.

''I'm not scaring her!'' Quinn yelled at him, but froze when she looked back and saw the terrified look in Rachel's face.

''Rachel! I'm so sorry!''

But before she could make any moves, she felt two strong men holding her by the arms and pulling her out of the scene.

''No! Stop it! I need to help her! I need to help Rachel!''

''Quinn, you need to calm down!'' She could hear her psychologist talking to her but her anger made her blind, and she could barely recognize any faces besides Rachel.

She screamed and kicked, while trying to reach for Rachel, but the stinging in her arm made her know what was going to happen. Her head got heavy and her movements got slower as she cried out for the girl who was being helped out of the floor.

Before she could notice, she fell asleep.

* * *

Quinn woke up without knowing where she was, what time it was, and what had happened. She remembered nothing after the punch she gave on the man, and how her heart broke at the sight of the look of fear on Rachel's face.

She opened her eyes slowly, fighting against the light that flushed the room. As soon as she realized she was in her bedroom, she turned around in bed, to find Rachel sitting on the other bed hugging her knees.

Quinn bit her lip and wiped a few streaks of hair out of her forehead before sitting up and gathering the courage to talk about everything had happened. She was just sure Rachel wouldn't forgive her, or even worse, Rachel would forever fear her.

Her mouth opened and closed a few times, before she found the strength to murmur.

''I'm so sorry, Rachel.'' She cried out.

The other girl gave her a weak smile and shook her head, avoiding eye contact.

''No, really. I'm deeply sorry.'' She got out of her bed and ran to kneel by Rachel's. The fact that Rachel didn't flinch away from her somehow calmed her down, but not enough to make her urge to explain herself go away.

''I didn't mean to scare you, I swear. I just couldn't watch him taking your cookies and do nothing, I had- I had to help you!''

''It's okay. I'm not scared of you.'' Rachel murmured, finally moving her eyes to find Quinn's.

''No, you're lying! Don't lie to me. I saw the fear in you!'' Quinn reasoned unsure if Rachel had really been okay with everything. Having trust issues was nothing new to her, and even though Rachel never gave her a reason to be doubted, Quinn just didn't understand why someone would forgive her so easily.

''I was scared. But I wasn't scared of you.'' She answered quietly, feeling a shiver running through her spine. ''The situation set me off. But I'm okay now.''

''I'm really sorry.'' Quinn said again, not knowing what to do and fidgeting her hands.

''I know.'' Rachel tried to give her a smile, but Quinn could see something had changed. ''Just don't do it anymore okay? I don't like seeing you mad.''

Quinn nodded, although she couldn't understand why Rachel was being so nice about it. Something about Rachel and the way the girl thought and acted always confused her. She could never foresee how the girl would react, and it scared her more than she could ever admit. But the most scaring part was that regardless of how she reacted, she always ended up making Quinn feel good about herself. As if Quinn wasn't as horrible as she thought. And Quinn wasn't used to that at all.

''I like having you around, Quinn. You make me forget how horrible this world is. How horrible _this place_ is. You keep me busy and you fill my head with good thoughts and for a while I really believe everything will be okay. That we will get out of here soon and everything will be normal again.''

Quinn couldn't help the smile that crept in her face. It felt nice to know that Rachel felt the same way she felt about the girl. She felt wanted, and she felt needed just as much as she wanted Rachel always by her side.

''When I saw you fighting like that, it reminded me of things I wish I could forget forever. I felt small, and afraid, and unsafe. I had no one to rely on because you didn't act like yourself, and you're the only one I have in here.''

Quinn's smile faded away as quickly as her eyes started to flood. She had messed it all up again. Rachel had trusted her, and she had let her down. Rachel was the only thing making her feel better, and she had screwed up what they had too. She knew everything was too good to be true. Things had never gone well for too long in her life anyway.

''But then they brought you back to your bed, unconscious in their arms. And suddenly you looked so small and fragile. I watched as you slept, waiting for you to wake up, and with every rising of your chest as your breathed, I grew more confident that you meant no harm. That what I saw wasn't you. I know I can trust you.''

Quinn was surprised to see Rachel opening up like that. She had been talking much more to the girl, and they sure were closer, but still, she had never heard the girl talking for so long, and putting her feelings out there.

Quinn wished she could do the same. She wished she was as brave as Rachel to let it all out. She wished she could explain to Rachel why she felt so protective over the girl, and why did she act like she did. But there was no way of explaining what not even herself understood.

They fell in silence for a good few minutes before Quinn opened her mouth again.

''You know I would never hurt you, right? I just wanted to protect you... You're my number one inside this institution. And probably out there too.'' She finished with a lower voice, remembering how it didn't seem like anyone from the outside remembered her.

''Quinn?'' Rachel asked, looking up at her.

Quinn looked back, waiting for her to continue.

''I can't believe you like brownies better than cookies.'' The girl said, shaking her head and getting a chuckle of relive out of Quinn. ''Let's not talk about it anymore, okay? It's in the past.''

* * *

''I need your help.''

''I know Quinn. We all know. That's why you're here after all.''

Quinn rolled her eyes. She couldn't bear how pretentious the psychologist sounded, even while Quinn was admitting to need her. She ignored it, and went on.

''I need to control my anger. I can't explode like I did in front of Rachel again. Never again.''


	13. All I need: Chapter 12

Chapter 12 - All I need is right here beside me

''Good morning girls! Guess what? You guys have missed breakfast again!''

It wasn't news for Quinn that most of the nurses hated their job at the institution. The pay wasn't good enough, the hours could be crazy, and the patients weren't exactly easy. She would hate it too. But even with the worst possible conditions, there were a few nurses who treated them as family. Nurses who were careful and kind, and nurses who made the patients comfortable enough to feel somehow closer to home.

But regardless of how gentle they were, Quinn hated them when she was woken up. She hated them more than they could ever hate their job.

The girls got up and Quinn went to the bathroom while Rachel took her medicines and went through a quick morning check up, that happened once a week or so.

Quinn never meant to eavesdrop, but couldn't help listening to Rachel shyly trying to interact with the nurse. She admired Rachel for being such a morning person, and was more than proud that the girl had been getting so much better that she was now able to start little conversations with some selected people other than Quinn and the therapist. Even though it made Quinn slightly jealous.

''What day is today, Ms. White?'' Rachel asked in a small voice. Quinn was just sure she had been looking down as she asked.

''December 2th, dear. Now go tell Quinn to hurry up, we can't wait all day until she decides to come out and take her medicines!''

''I'm out already.'' Quinn said in a growl, coming out of the bathroom with her mouth already opened for the medicines.

Once the nurses were gone, Quinn always fought her bad mood to try to set a pleasant morning for Rachel. She could put this as one of the hardest battles she fought everyday.

''Morning!'' Quinn said with a little side mouth smile, as she brushed her hair and watched Rachel through the mirror.

''Hi.'' Rachel answered, much less enthusiastically then she usually was.

Quinn furrowed her eyebrows, forcing herself to remember every word she had said on the last twenty four hours or maybe even an action that could have been misunderstood. She had to find a reason for Rachel's sadness.

When she couldn't remember anything, she figured maybe she was just being paranoid, and tried to act normally to see if the girl's humor would get better. But it didn't. And by lunch time, Quinn was already freaking out.

''Why are you like this today?'' Quinn whispered with a small pout as Rachel played with her food without actually eating anything.

''Like what?'' Rachel answered, holding her head in her palm.

''So... cheerless.''

''I'm sorry.'' Rachel answered coyly.

''No! You don't have to apologize.'' Quinn said with a quick shake of her head. ''I just thought it was odd, cause you seemed like you were feeling better lately. Did something happen?'' She searched for Rachel's eyes, but the girl kept her eyes down.

''It's nothing. I'm okay.'' Rachel tried to dismiss it with a shrug.

''It isn't... I can see it isn't. But it's okay, you don't have to tell me everything. I just wish I could help.'' Quinn replied carefully. She didn't wanna pressure Rachel, but she felt a little bit hurt every time she could see Rachel hiding something from her.

''Thanks.''

''It's okay.'' Quinn answered before they fell in an empty silence that lasted even after they returned to their room.

Rachel laid in her bed and hugged her legs with a sigh, where she stood all day.

After Rachel refused to go out to dinner, Quinn let out a whimper and decided to take a bath. Seeing Rachel like that hurt her too deeply, and the fact that Rachel didn't tell her what was happening so that she could do something made her so frustrated that she could punch a hole in the strongest of the walls. Long baths usually help her alleviate her anger.

But when she came back and found Rachel on the same exact position she was before Quinn went to the bathroom, the frustration came back with full force.

''Do you wanna be alone?'' Quinn asked, giving it one last chance on trying to fix something she didn't even knew if she had caused.

''Today would be the winter formal at my school.''

Quinn couldn't help the huge sigh of relief that left her throat once she finally understood what was going on, even though Rachel's confession left her with even more questions, at least she knew it wasn't her fault.

''I bet you left tons of boys disappointed that they couldn't take you this year.'' Quinn couldn't avoid the sad smile that came to her own face when she heard what she had just said. She hated being jealous all the time.

''It's times like those I realize you don't know me at all.'' Rachel answered with a hurt laughter.

''What do you mean?'' Quinn asked with a quirked eyebrow.

''I never even got invited to one. Not that I cared. I always went alone, and I never minded. I was there to sing and dance and have fun. And I didn't need other people for that.''

Quinn was speechless. She could never imagine being in that situation. Back when she still had her normal life, Quinn was invited by basically every boy from her grade and had them fighting over her heart. She was elected homecoming queen even as a freshmen. She couldn't picture herself having fun alone, even though she wasn't exactly happy surrounded by her so called friends either. And thinking of Rachel in that position made her admiration for the girl grow more and more.

''I'm sorry.'' Quinn walked to the girl's bed and sat by her side. ''They were crazy for not wanting you.''

''Apparently the world disagrees with you, Quinn. We're the crazy ones in here.'' Rachel gave her the shoulders. ''But I don't want you to be sorry for me. I just got a little upset that I'm missing what would be my last winter formal because I'm trapped here.''

''Don't be sad...'' Quinn pouted, caressing Rachel's softly. ''I can honestly tell you that those high school balls are highly over rated. You'll have many more opportunities to dance and sing and have fun in much cooler places, I promise.''

Rachel let out a small chuckle and shook her head.

''I'll be fine tomorrow. Don't worry. Let's sleep?'' Rachel scooted over leaving more space for Quinn to come lay with her.

And in less then ten minutes, she was asleep.

''Rach...'' Quinn whispered in hear ear, running her hands on Rachel's hair. ''Rach, wake up. Rach?''

Rachel turned in bed with a frown on her face and her eyes barely opened.

''What happened?'' She asked, worried.

''Oh, nothing! Everything is fine, don't worry. I just want you to see something!''

''But... it's the middle of the night, Quinn.''

''Yes, I'm aware. Can I turn the lights on now?'' Quinn couldn't hold her excitement.

''Alright...'' Rachel answered doubtful.

Quinn jumped out of bed and turned the lights on. It took a few seconds for Rachel to get used to the clarity, but once she did, a shy smile quickly took place in her face.

''Quinn... What's all of that?''

''It's our very own Winter Formal!'' Quinn responded proudly.

Their room wasn't exactly resourceful, and since they were locked there, supposed to be asleep, Quinn couldn't do it as perfectly as she wanted, but that didn't stop her from trying her best.

Rachel's drawing kit saved her life, and she was able to draw little snowflakes to tape to the wall. She covered the whole floor with shredded toilet paper, trying make it look like snow somehow. Cotton balls hanged from the ceiling, and the sheet of her bed was now being used as a long dress.

Rachel chuckled in elation and looked around amazed.

''I can't believe it. I can't believe you! How did you do all of that on the dark without waking me up?''

''You're a heavy sleeper.'' Quinn shrugged, filled with pride.

''This is so amazing, Quinn!'' Rachel squealed, getting out of bed and putting her arms up. ''Wrap me on my sheets too!''

''Excuse you!'' Quinn pretended to be offended. ''Those are high couture dresses, miss!'' She exclaimed while taking the sheets off the bed and putting it around Rachel's small body, which made her dress seem much longer.

''I'm sorry! I can clearly see it now.'' Rachel replied giggling, and then turning around in a loop as she looked down to her dress. ''It's beautiful!''

''I'm very glad you liked! And there's more!'' Quinn walked to the bathroom coming out with two cups of water in her hand. ''We have some champagne for a toast!''

She handed one for Rachel and raised her hand.

''Cheers!''

''To what?'' Rachel asked, before raising her own glass.

''To you. This is all for you.''

Rachel clicked their cups together and as soon as she brought it down she tackled Quinn with a tight hug.

''Thank you.''

''Hey, be careful! You're gonna drop my expensive champagne!'' Quinn mocked with a giggle, but found herself with no choice other than surrender and hug Rachel back. ''You're welcome.''

Rachel pulled back and took a sip of her cup.

''Best champagne ever!'' She signaled to Quinn with her hands and a mocking face, receiving back a roll of Quinn's eyes and a giggle.

''Now, the best part!'' Quinn said, looking over the room for the remote.

''There's more?'' Rachel asked astonished.

''Of course there's more. What kind of ball would this be if we didn't get to dance?'' Quinn answered, turning on the TV in the music channel.

It's not like they had any other choice, but gladly during the middle of the nights the songs used to be calmer, and Quinn reached out her hand for Rachel, offering a slow dance.

Rachel smiled further and put her cup down, grabbing Quinn's hand and wrapping her arms around the girl's neck. Quinn positioned her hands on Rachel's waist and locked their eyes as they began to whirl slowly around the room.

The smile on Rachel's face was the best reward Quinn could ever ask for, and she was glad she could look at it incessantly and from so close. She was almost sure that even if they turned the darks out, the room would still be lighted. Because that's how bright Rachel's smile was.

Rachel's cheeks blushed in a light pink upon Quinn's eyes, and she giggled leaning her face to rest in Quinn's chest. Quinn brought her hand to Rachel's hair and caressed lightly before dropping a kiss on the top of the girl's head.

It still amazed Quinn how much herself had changed. She had never been a careful person. She struggled to receive and give the smallest love acts, like hugs and kisses, even from her family and close friends. But it just felt so natural to do them with Rachel that she saw herself getting more and more used to it.

Quinn closed her eyes to enjoy deeper the feeling of Rachel holding so tightly on her and with her warm breath against her neck. If there was any way of stopping time, Quinn would have done it right then. But she couldn't. And when the music ended Rachel lifted her head with a shy smile.

''You're the best, Quinn. I'm so happy to have found you here.''

Quinn's heart melted, but she dismissed Rachel with a shake of her head and a small smile, pulling away from the embrace.

''Are you ready for the last part of our night?'' Quinn asked, walking over to her desk.

''I can't believe there's still more surprises!''

''Close your eyes!'' Quinn ordered and Rachel quickly abided. ''And no peaking!''

''Okay!'' Rachel grinned, closing her eyes tightly.

Quinn took out of her desk a poorly made tiara, and knelt in one knee in front of Rachel who stood still with a smile so big that almost didn't fit in her face.

''I crown you the Winter Formal's Queen!'' Quinn said before getting up and placing the tiara on top of Rachel's head. ''Congratulations!''

''I won!'' Rachel squealed with a few small claps of happiness.

''Yes, you did!'' Quinn giggled. ''But I'm afraid now I have bad news...''

Rachel's smile fell immediately and her eyes became worried.

''What is it?''

''The sun is rising.'' Quinn pointed to their window. ''Which means our fairytale night is over. Which means we have to clean this room before someone gets here.'' She ended with a pout.

''Oh, that's okay! I can clean it! You already did a lot!'' Rachel answered. ''But where will we put all of this?''

''I'll help you.'' Quinn smiled, getting on the floor and starting to pick up the toilet paper. ''I think we can flush those out of the toilet. So no one realizes what we have done.''

''Alright!'' Rachel said, bending down and starting to pick it up too.

Once she had her hands full, she went in the bathroom's direction to throw it out, but was hit in the head by a small ball of toilet paper.

''Hey!'' She complained turned around with a frown.

''I wish we had time to make a snow ball fight!'' Quinn said with a grin, getting up with her share of papers to throw away too.

''You are the silliest, Quinn.''

Soon enough, everything was back in place. Quinn undid their dresses and made the beds again, hoping they could still get a little sleep before the nurses came to wake them up. Rachel laid down by her side, and propped herself on her elbows to look at Quinn.

''Thank you for tonight, Quinn. Everything was more than perfect.''

''I already said it's nothing. You don't have to thank me all the time.'' Quinn shrugged with a small smile of shyness.

''Yes, I do. You threw me Winter Formal to which I attended with the invitation of the most beautiful girl I know! And I even got crowned Queen!''

Quinn smile grew deeper and she lifted the covers for Rachel to roll under them and closer to her.

''Let's sleep now, my queen.''

''Goodnight, Quinn.''

''Goodnight, Rach.'' She replied, closing her eyes with a sigh.

''Quinn?'' Rachel asked, one second later, with her voice lower unsure if Quinn had already fallen asleep or not.

''Mhm?'' Quinn answered, turning her head to the girl and opening her eyes.

''You are my queen too.''


	14. We are escaping: Chapter 13

**Author's Note:** I can not wait to read you guys' reviews for this chapter! I really hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing!

* * *

Chapter 12 - We're escaping to a place they'll never know

Quinn was sitting on her bed with her eyes closed while slender fingers ran through her hair. She had never been very fond of people messing with her hair, but Rachel had an undying affection for it, and even though there wasn't that much of hair to be styled, Rachel managed to make it look different every day.

"You don't like our psychologist very much, do you?"

Quinn was caught off guard with the question. Her eyes snapped open, and her face fell into a frown.

"No. I don't." She had no idea where this conversation was leading to, but she didn't feel like it was going to go well. Opening up was something she still had a hard time doing – which was one of the reasons she hated seeing the psychologist, even though she knew she needed to – and she just knew that Rachel wouldn't end it with just this question. The girl was curious, to say the least.

"Why not?" And there she was, just confirming what Quinn thought. She needed to take a deep breath before answering.

"I feel uncomfortable sharing my thoughts with other people."

"Oh! I'm sorry..." Rachel answered shyly, retreating her hands for a moment and Quinn was glad that she couldn't see the girl's face, because even just imagining it already made her feel guilty.

"No, I don't mean you. I don't like talking to _her_. I don't mind sharing my thoughts with you, usually." Quinn could feel Rachel softening up after hearing what she said, and after thinking for a few seconds she realized that it was actually true: she couldn't think of anything that Rachel could ask and that she wouldn't answer. It could not be the easiest thing, but she was fighting the hardest war with herself while controlling her everyday anger to protect Rachel, and nothing else seemed like a big deal after that. There was nothing she wouldn't do for the other girl.

Realizing how much power Rachel had over her, made her shiver. She had always known, but never stopped to think whether or not Rachel was aware of that. She was vulnerable and completely at Rachel's mercy. But somehow, she either didn't know, or knew and didn't want to take advantage of it. Either one was remarkable in Quinn's mind.

"What are we going to do today?"

Quinn was glad the previous subject was over, but the new one wasn't exactly much easier. It was getting harder each day to think of new ways of entertaining Rachel, and she had officially ran out of ideas. The limitation of staying inside their room didn't help much.

"I don't know. What do you want to do?" Again, is not like she could deny the girl anything.

But Rachel froze in silence. Like all the other times, Quinn could sense that she was hesitating before suggesting something else. The girl wasn't that keen on trying new stuff. She had the will, and even the courage, but lacked that little push to actually start pursuing what she wanted.

She turned her head to face Rachel with a reassuringly smile and nod.

"Tell me. We'll do it. It doesn't matter what it is."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders coyly and glanced at the window before looking down.

"You want go outside?" Quinn said in a small squeal as her smile widened.

"I thought... Maybe the yard?" She whispered, walking to look out the window. "There aren't a lot of people there. And it looks so pretty from up here." She ran her fingers on the frame of the window.

Quinn couldn't explain why this made her so excited, but she nodded with all her will and a huge smile spread across her face.

"I think the yard would be perfect. You could get some fresh air, feel the nature around you. It's really nice over there." She finished, trying to make any doubts that still hovered on the girl's mind go away.

And it seemed to work, because right after lunch Rachel was ready to leave the building for the first time since she had got in. Quinn smiled when she got out of the bathroom and saw Rachel sitting on her bed, with her legs swinging excitedly, and the smallest girl quickly jumped to her feet when she saw Quinn.

"Let's go?" Rachel asked with a smile and Quinn answered it with a grip on her hand before opening the door to leave.

* * *

"You were right. It really feels nice." Rachel whispered, with her head tilted back to feel the wind and her eyes closed, while Quinn sat beside her watching all the girl's movement as if she was a baby discovering the world for the very first time.

Rachel had chosen the place for them to sit. Right in front of the fountain, under a huge willow tree. Even though her mind insisted that she kept her eyes opened to watch Rachel, she forced herself to close them to share the feeling Rachel was experiencing.

The breeze kissed their faces, and made the leaves sway, making small noises that resembled little bells. The noise of the water coming from the fountain. A bird, singing on the background. Another bird answering that call. The dry grass of winter against their fingers.

Of course they could have sat on a bench, but touching the grass felt much more appealing to them at the time. Especially after being locked inside for such long time. And right there they sat, leaning against the tree.

Quinn opened her eyes again, tracing her fingers along the ridges of the tree. She had always complained about how cliché it was when people carved their names on trees – not to mention how it hurt the trunk! Right now it didn't feel so stupid anymore though, and she knew that if she had some kind of knife she too would be writing it right now.

But when Rachel opened her eyes, seeing Quinn's fingers moving restlessly, she must have thought that the girl was somehow anxious, because she stretched out her arm and got Quinn's hands on hers. It was funny how Rachel's hand felt even softer now, after Quinn had played with the trunk of wood.

Her eyes opened too, to watch their hands together, but with a shy smile she looked up and found Rachel's looking right back at her. She hated how her body betrayed her, showing everything she felt. Like with the blush that flooded her cheeks at that moment, making Rachel giggle as if she knew she was responsible for it. As if she knew that she was the reason why those butterflies seemed to have made a living home out of Quinn.

Quinn only watched as Rachel's other hand moved from behind her to take a flower off the ground, and her eyes followed as the girl took the flower to her nose, nuzzling it with a grin and sighing after scenting its smell. A dazzled smile came to Quinn's lips, and it grew brighter when Rachel's hands moved again, now to carefully place the flower behind Quinn's ear.

"Perfect. You look just like a princess now!" She murmured with a shy smile while admiring her masterpiece, as if the flower was just the piece that was missing on the girl's perfectly braided hair.

Quinn only realized that she was holding her breath when the fingers moved away, leaving a tingling sensation where they were brushed against her cheeks, and she let out the air slowly, feeling almost dizzy, lost in their little private paradise.

''I'm far from one. I'm more like the wicked witch that everyone despises.'' Quinn said with a sad smile, trying to run away from Rachel's admiring glaze. She wasn't used to have such care trust upon her, and it made her uneasy. She felt like it was all a joke, that could end at any minute. And even though she trusted Rachel, only she knew how much it would hurt if it was really just a joke.

Almost no words had been exchanged, but Quinn thought it was better this way. Words could be hurtful when misunderstood or put in a bad way, and that would never happen with actions like those. Feeling the girl's fingers against her skin, together with the adoration look in her eyes, that somehow also managed to hold a little breath of shyness, made Quinn sure that whatever was happening to her, or whatever feeling she might have developed for Rachel, was reciprocated.

But simply thinking of it took her breath away.

Rachel sighed deeply and let go of Quinn's hand. The sadness that hit the girl quickly went away when she understood that Rachel had just let go of her hand to lay her head on Quinn's lap. Rachel managed to make them feel even closer, and Quinn smiled softly lifting up her fingertips to bump the tip of Rachel's nose.

''You know you're wrong. You're too pretty to be a witch. You have the looks of a princess. And I know you have the pure, good heart of a princess too.'' Rachel replied, tracing a heart on Quinn's chest with her fingertips.

Quinn looked down, following Rachel's finger while holding her breath, only to release a shaky one when their eyes met. ''Thank you.'' She murmured, even though she didn't exactly agree with what Rachel had said.

And when she heard a voice calling them out of their heaven, she couldn't help the groan that slipped out of her throat at the exact same time that her eyes got darker with anger, when looking at the nurse who was speaking to them.

"It's going to start raining soon, girls. You should come inside." The nurse said, pausing as always, to make sure she was understood.

It only took a quick glance for Quinn to see that Rachel was with her in this too, and that she didn't want to leave quite yet either.

"We'll be going in a minute." Quinn answered, and thankfully the nurse left after nodding.

And Quinn dove back in their bubble, feeling her chest getting tighter while Rachel's eyes traveled, studying every inch of her before connecting with her eyes again. It was different. For once, Quinn didn't see fear on the big brown eyes. They had a new kind of shine in them, and they made Quinn's whole body shiver.

She was wrapped in a kind of happiness that made it almost impossible to breath. In a bold action, she stretched out her hand, fingers taut and reaching, and just when they got a light touch of the warm skin of Rachel's cheeks, she felt a droplet falling on her face.

Quinn blinked and pulled her arm back coyly, before looking up only to have another droplet falling right on the tip of her nose. And right then, the droplets became faster and more frequent. Quinn looked to Rachel and giggled, her wet hair already starting to fall out of the braid. Not even the freezing rain could take their moment away from them.

She got up, grabbing Rachel's hand and running through the empty yard as cold rain showered them, momentarily cleaning all the worries and fears from their souls. Quinn knew they could get in trouble for that, but in that moment she just couldn't care.

She ran as fast as she could, considering how little Rachel's legs were, but realizing that the girl couldn't keep up with her, Quinn took Rachel in her arms and spun the girl around a few times while giggling.

''Quinn! I'm gonna fall!'' Rachel squealed, wrapping her arms around Quinn's neck and closing her eyes tightly while the biggest smile crept in her face.

''If you fall, I'll catch you!'' Quinn replied before carefully putting the girl down the floor and dropping a kiss on the top of her head. ''Here'' Quinn said, getting on her knees so that Rachel could crawl on her back. ''I'll give you a ride!''

At that moment, none of them cared about the rain anymore. They could stay there forever, sharing their little moment without any worries or any people trying to stop them. But Quinn didn't want to get in trouble again. She couldn't handle having to spend another day away from Rachel while receiving lectures from her doctors. So as soon as Rachel climbed on her back, she started running again, until reaching the door.

With a quick glance, Quinn saw a wheel chair standing just a few feet from them. She lowered herself for Rachel to come down and motioned for her sit to there, taking the limitation out of their way so they could run faster, with her now pushing Rachel.

"You can't grab that wheel chair!"

"Quinn! I have told you already! No running in the hallways!"

"What are you guys doing?! The floor is drenched! Someone could slip in here! Stop!"

But their giggles were louder, and they didn't hear any of the yelling nurses. They were just too caught up on what felt more as a runaway then a return to their room, feeling as free as birds, and crashing together on the bed as soon as they made inside.

Rachel's weight on top of Quinn didn't seem to bother her, regardless of how much trouble she was having to catch her breath again. And as their breaths got even, their giggles faded away and their look became more intense, as if they had just suddenly been aware of how close to each other they were at that moment.

Damp clothes flushed against each other, Rachel leaned her forehead on Quinn's shoulder, breaking the eye contact and leaving space for both of them to take the deep breath they needed.

Quinn felt like her heart was about to pop out of her body, and she tried to excuse herself, vainly accusing the running, but deep down, she knew better. Rachel's heart was beating against her own. Rachel's breath against her shoulder. Rachel's arms around her.

Kiss her.

The little voice on the back of her mind kept whispering, and she shut her eyes closed tightly trying to make it go away.

Kiss her.

She couldn't do it. Even though she knew Rachel had feelings for her too, there was no way for her to know if they weren't merely platonic. And in that case, a kiss wouldn't be welcomed.

Kiss her.

A kiss would ruin it.

Kiss her.

A kiss would ruin everything they had been building for so long now - all the proximity, all the trust.

Kiss her.

Quinn had already ruined things enough during her life time.

Kiss her.

Quinn sighed somehow loud enough to catch Rachel's attention, and the girl looked up to her with a sad smile, as if she understood why Quinn had sighed. Quinn could see her eyes quivering in doubts too, but she wouldn't let her heart be filled with hope, because she feared how badly it would hurt if she was wrong.

But then soft fingertips started running across her jaw line, and she melted, leaning to the touch, and making Rachel's smile grow wider.

And then Rachel leaned, dropping a kiss on the top of her cheekbones, and she swooned feeling her stomach flutter and flip.

And then their lips touched.

And Quinn was kissing her.

And Quinn knew she had messed up.

Quinn understood why this wouldn't work.

Quinn knew that it was too late.

She could never go now. She could never leave Rachel.


	15. But now I'm falling: Chapter 14

Chapter 13 - but now I'm falling

Quinn kept her eyes closed for more than a minute, afraid of having reality hitting her when she opened them again. But Rachel seemed to realize the avoidance, and subtly cleared her throat.

Her tongue poked out to moist her lips when their eyes met, and when she watched Rachel's eyes hovering down to the action, her cheeks blushed and she let out a small giggle, that made Rachel look up again and finally smile, leaving behind the anxiety that previously was held by her glaze.

Quinn smile grew, as she moved her hand up to fix Rachel's hair behind her ear and feeling Rachel's breath so close to hers, she could swear that something was alive inside her stomach.

It was different. She obviously couldn't compare it to the feeling of having a baby alive inside of her, but it was a nice change from the dullness and emptiness that took her body as home on the last months.

But just like everything in Quinn's life, the good ended too soon.

"What did you two do with the hall-"

She jumped when hearing the noise of the door being slammed open, and moved so drastically that Rachel rolled from the top of her, falling with her back on the mattress and her eyes open wide in surprise.

''What the hell is going on here?" A shocked nurse asked, with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows furrowed.

Quinn quickly got up from the bed and walked to her, reaching her arm with a quivering hand and gulping before finding her words.

"Please, please, don't tell anyone! Please!" She begged.

Quinn didn't know exactly what the institution policy was for dating, but she assumed that since they were separated by gender and not allowed to get inside the rooms of people from the opposite one, it mustn't be allowed.

The nurse took a deep sigh and shook her head, jerking away from Quinn's touches and ignoring her plea as she walked to the bed and started pulling the wet sheets and shushing Rachel off the bed.

"Look at the mess you two did! Weren't you warned to come inside before the rain?"

Quinn was so caught up on her thoughts, trying to figure out whether the woman was pretending not to have seen what she saw or pretending not to have heard Quinn, that she almost didn't realize the frightened look in Rachel's eyes. It was understandable: if even Quinn was afraid of being taken apart from Rachel, Rachel would surely be much more afraid since she wasn't as independent as the other girl.

She stood still and quiet, watching as Rachel's lower lip started quivering and her eyes wandered through the room until finding the closet, and Quinn was almost sure it was going to happen.

The nurse huffed before leaving the room with the sheets in her hands and slamming the door closed, and Quinn silently cursed her and all the other members of the staff who thought this was a normal way of closing and opening doors.

But she sent her thoughts away with a shake of her head, and closed the distance between her and Rachel by wrapping the girl in a tight hug, that she hoped would be enough to stop the episode before it got even worse.

"Hey?'' She called, but instead of looking up to her, Rachel buried her face even deeper on her the crook of her neck and Quinn took a breath deep enough to make her go dizzy. She had to remind herself to add this to the list of worst feelings: the feeling of having Rachel melting down under her embrace, and not being able to stop it, or to make the girl feel better at all.

Because only she knew how better Rachel had made her feel.

* * *

Quinn was already lying under the covers when Rachel got out of the bathroom in her pajamas, running her hand to get a few knots out of her hair. Quinn scooted closer to the wall, leaving the most part of the bed empty, and hoping that even after what happened today Rachel would still be okay with this.

It was much earlier than their usual bedtime, but Rachel always felt exhausted after her episodes and Quinn thought it would be better to stay by the girl's side, since after such eventful day, she didn't know how Rachel would be once left alone.

Quinn breathed out in relief when Rachel gave her one of her must truthful smiles and climbed on bed next to her, throwing the cover over herself and snuggling against Quinn.

They laid in silence, and Quinn lost notion of time while the tip of her fingers gently caressed Rachel's arm. She wanted to lean and take the girl's lips on hers again, but she noticed Rachel was lost deep in thoughts, and gave her some space.

The fact that they hadn't discussed what happened also made Quinn uneasy. She didn't know if she was allowed to kiss Rachel again, or if the girl had done it only on the spur of the moment. Regardless of how much she loved the feeling, Rachel's friendship always came in first and it was something she just couldn't think of losing.

"Do you think they will take us apart?" Rachel asked, with her voice almost failing by the end of the sentence, and Quinn bit her lip.

''I have no idea...'' She answered honestly. ''I hope they don't.'' Quinn whispered, pulling Rachel even closer to her and holding her tightly, as if she needed to enjoy those moments before losing them.

''They can't.'' Rachel answered in a whine, shaking her head slowly, and Quinn could see a bright tear forming on the corner of her eye. ''You're helping me so much...''

Quinn felt a tug on her heart when hearing it and feeling Rachel's small fists clenching on the fabric of her top. But at the sight of a single tear in Rachel's eyes as she talked about their eminent separation was enough for her to be sure she would do anything to keep them together.

"Am I?" Quinn asked hesitantly, with a small frown of doubt. She knew she was being helped, and she did her best to help Rachel as well, but she couldn't stop thinking that maybe Rachel's progress had nothing to do with her, and were only related to the amount of medicines she had been taking.

Rachel looked up to her, incredulous that the question had even been made, and Quinn could almost feel her being a little offended by it.

''Don't you notice how far I've came? How things changed since I came here for the first time?" She asked shyly, turning her head away from Quinn's piercing glaze.

Quinn hadn't meant to hurt her. Of course she could see that Rachel was a lot better. But Quinn still didn't fully believe Rachel; she just couldn't imagine herself, being broken the way she was, managing to help someone else when she couldn't even find the strength to help herself.

''But Rach...'' Quinn wanted to reason back, even though she would need to do it twice more cautiously after Rachel's reaction to her first question. ''You are taking meds, and going to therapy... Maybe that's what is making everything better.''

Rachel turned to her again, and Quinn chewed her inner cheek, anxiously waiting for a reaction, but getting confused when Rachel smiled softly and nuzzled her jaw.

''You have no idea of how important you are to me.'' Rachel said in a whisper, stating the realization that had just come to her.

But Quinn wanted to believe. She had to. So she didn't fight any longer, nor argued any further. Instead, she grabbed Rachel's chin and looked deep in her eyes. She wanted to thank Rachel for the kind words, and for the even kinder gestures, but the words were trapped on her throat.

She wanted to move an inch closer and she wanted to allow her lip to stroke Rachel's ever so gently. She wanted them to melt into each other and she wanted to use every movement of her body as thank you that her tongue couldn't speak out.

But she lacked the courage.

Although she knew Rachel wouldn't be mad at her, she always had the fear that she would take things too far too fast and scare Rachel away. She couldn't lose Rachel. She has lost too many things in her life.

And she hated Rachel for that.

She hated Rachel for being so understanding, so gentle, so thoughtful, so kind, so forgiving, so perceptive, and so tolerant. She hated Rachel for making her feel dependent after so long. She hated Rachel for bringing to her body feelings she had long forgotten. She hated Rachel for making her fall in love all over again.

She hated to feel in love, but she loved to hate Rachel.

Deep in her mind, a little voice kept telling Quinn that maybe she should just back off before there was nothing else she could do. But despite of the amount of medicines running in her body, she knew she was doomed.

Rachel had become her life.

* * *

A few days had passed without nothing changing.

They never talked about what had happened on that rainy afternoon again. It was driving Quinn nuts, but she kept telling herself that maybe it was for the best. She had always screwed up her relationships, there was no reason for this one to be different. So she would rather not start one at all, and save Rachel from the pain she could bring.

Quinn was much more aware of everything. She was more aware of her feelings, and she kept her mind aware of every change that could be a hint that someone else knew about what had happened.

But she didn't find anything, and she convinced herself that the nurse had been a merciful woman and not told anyone about what had happened between her and Rachel.

So when the therapist brought it up, she was as surprised as she could be.

''Quinn, are you listening to me?" The woman asked with a quirked eyebrow, and Quinn groaned, wishing she could disappear in to the ground.

''I just didn't expect you to hide it for so long. I mean, it's been almost a week. Even though I realize you have problems on sharing your experiences, I guess this was something bigger for you, something you just wouldn't be able to keep a secret.''

''Is not that big of a deal.'' Quinn snapped back, with a frown and her arms crossed against her chest.

''It isn't? Why is that? You didn't enjoy it?" The woman leaned forward, as if she was just so interested in hearing Quinn's answer.

"It's none of your business.'' Quinn answered in a murmur, instead of shouting out loud how much she enjoyed, like her body wanted to do. But when they fell in a short silence, Quinn sighed, taking the courage to speak her mind. ''Will we have to change rooms?" She asked apprehensively.

''Do you want to change rooms?" She asked, squinting her eyes, and Quinn shook her head way quicker than she intended to, making her act of pretending not to care go down the drains. ''I guess we could see how it goes, for a while.'' And for the first time ever, Quinn felt like hugging the woman instead of killing her.

''Thank you!" She answered with a big and honest smile, which was met with a cynical look and a shake of head that only confused Quinn more.

''May I remind you that relationships are not advised for this stage of your life? You should be focusing on yourself, Quinn. But we've tried everything with you, and you've rebelled against all our efforts. It seems like nothing works. I assure you it will hurt much worse to learn it on your own.''

And Quinn's angry frown came back to her face. But what scared her the most, is that deep down, she knew the therapist was right this time.


	16. Maybe I'm not built for love: Chapter 15

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! I have good news and bad news.

Good news is I have created a Tumblr! I will be posting update alerts there, answering your questions about the story, giving you headcanons, and my favorite part: I have posted the story's soundtrack there so you can listen while reading! You can find me at faberrylittlepieces!

Bad news are: this chapter is gonna hurt, but don't worry because we still have a lot to go and things have to get worse before they get better, right?

Hope you guys enjoy, and please review!

* * *

Chapter 15 - Maybe I'm not built for love

It took Quinn a while to adjust their relationship into something she was comfortable with. After her last session with the therapist, where she realized she was freaking out in anxiety after just a kiss, she decided maybe it really was for the better to not let their friendship evolve to anything more.

She convinced herself she didn't even want a relationship in the first place. She just wanted to have Rachel there for her when she needed and in exchange she would do the same. She didn't know how to deal with the attachments and obligations that a relationship would bring.

However, it was evident in Rachel's eyes that the unsaid agreement made her disappointed. After all, it was odd, to say the least, to sleep wrapped in Quinn's arms with her ear on the girl's heartbeats, and wake up on the next day acting like they were nothing more than friends. And even though seeing Rachel upset made Quinn uneasy, this was all she could offer at the time.

"And for long have you known?"

Quinn simply gave the therapist an annoyed look, trying to make the woman understand she didn't know what was being talked about – without having to actually use words.

The therapist nodded in understanding as she wrote something down, before thinking how she would put her words.

"When did you know you were a lesbian?"

"What?" Quinn half-yelled in startle. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

The therapist raised one eyebrow and Quinn swallowed dryly.

Quinn remembered being five years old. She wore her favorite dress, with tiny blue flowers on it, and a fancy pair of white sandals. Her hair was tied up in the two most adorable pigtails, and she swung her legs back and forth while sitting on the church bench waiting for the Sunday mass to start.

She didn't understand why she couldn't go to Sunday school, just like every other child. But her mother told her she could learn more by hearing the pastor's words, like the grown ups did. And Quinn knew better than to try and argue with her mother.

Every Sunday she would see said miracles happen right before her eyes. People who would come to church sick, and with their Pastor's blessing would walk of it with a health of making anyone jealous. She didn't understand how that happened either, but she thought maybe she was just too young to know.

On that particular Sunday, she remembered being shocked seeing a girl being dragged inside church while she screamed and fought against those who carried her. Quinn remembered clutching to her father's arm in fear. And Quinn wondered why didn't that girl wore a dress – it was Sunday after all.

Her mother told Quinn that the girl she saw was sick with one of the worst diseases. She was possessed by the evil, and she was sinning every day against the Lord's words. She wanted to get married to a girl.

Quinn remembered her mouth falling open was she imagined how amazing it would be a wedding with more than one bride's dress, but she didn't even dare to mention that to her parents. She asked for forgiveness to God only because of the thought.

It was a few years later when she first heard the word lesbian, and could make the connection with the scene she had seen. But ever since, she was just terrified of even thinking about it.

"What about Rachel?"

''She is not my girlfriend'' Quinn answered.

''Oh?'' The psychologist reacted in surprise.

''We're friends.''

''Really, Quinn?'' And the psychologist continued after receiving a nod. ''You sure act like a couple.''

"Did she tell you something?"

The therapist let out a small chuckle seeing Quinn's desperation.

"You know we can't talk about that."

"Then I don't see why would you say such thing."

Quinn tried to regain her composure and looked away from the doctor, trying to hide panic in her eyes.

"Don't you love her?"

Quinn froze. That word bothered her to no end. She had never been sure if she had ever loved anyone.

In her household they claimed love was above anything, like they heard on the services on Sunday. But being there, she could see that what their parents said and they actually did wasn't the same at all. Of course, she would always be grateful to them for everything she had, and she sure had forgiven them for kicking her out after finding out she was pregnant. But love seemed like something too strong. If they felt something that strong towards her, what would explain the fact they never visited her? Didn't they miss her, like she missed them?

There were the boys. Being president and co-founder of the celibacy club never stopped her from having her fair share of boys. Of course she never slept with them, except for the faithful time she lost her virginity and ended up pregnant. But anyway, she never stuck with someone for long enough to feel something as deeply as love towards them.

And then there was Beth. That's the one time she was sure she was in love. Getting to hold the tiny precious baby in her arms after so much pain to get her out, knowing that the girl's whole future was in her hand, and that she had made the baby almost all by herself. Hearing the sweet cry that stopped as soon as Beth was brought closer to her chest. Just remembering those little things already filled her heart with love.

But Rachel. Rachel was different. What she felt for Rachel wasn't like what she felt for Beth. She knew she felt something strong towards the girl, she had an urge to take care of Rachel and wanted Rachel to be happy at all times. She also felt butterflies and tingles while they kissed. And sometimes she wished they wouldn't have stopped kissing.

But she wasn't a lesbian. No. She had never been. She liked kissing the boys she kissed in High School, she was sure of that. None of them kissed as well as Rachel, but they were okay. They also didn't make her legs melt with only a look, like Rachel does. But she didn't love Rachel. If she loved Rachel, that would make her a lesbian. And she wasn't a lesbian.

''I think you love her, Quinn.''

''Well, I told you I don't!'' Quinn knew that the anger in her voice made the answer lose its credibility, but she just couldn't help when the psychologist pushed her like that.

''But you care about her?''

''Well, yeah. She's my friend. A good friend and the only one I have. That's perfectly normal!''

''What about your friends from outside?''

''I don't care for them anymore. No one ever came to visit me; no one helped me when I needed. They probably don't even remember me anymore.''

''So Rachel is a different kind of friend then?''

''Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.''

''You care about her more than you cared for your older friends when they were still your friends?''

Quinn could see where the psychologist was trying to get. But she wouldn't fall for it.

''Well, I do, but it's different! She's sick! She needs more care! And she doesn't have anyone in here either.''

Before Quinn could realize, her sentences were coming out in screams. Her face was getting red, and she could feel warmth taking over her body. However, she didn't understand why this matter was giving her so much anxiety and leaving her so uneasy.

''She's not more sick than you are. And you repeatedly said you're not sick.''

The therapist kept her voice down, as if nothing abnormal was going on in the room. Meanwhile, Quinn was sure she would literally explode at any moment. Her legs felt weaker and she was out of breath.

''You know what, I think we're done for today.''

Quinn said, getting up from her chair. Her vision was blurry. She knew where the therapist wanted to get, and she knew she would get there. But Quinn couldn't hear it. She couldn't accept it. She couldn't deal with it. There was too much in her head already. Not today. Not in the near future, at least.

''You have risked getting in trouble for her. Several times. And you even risked your mental health, since I told you this could turn out badly, and yet: you chose her.''

''That's what friends are for!'' Quinn yelled back in a last failed attempt to get the psychologist to stop, while her head was overflowing with so many thoughts that everything around her started to spin around.

''No, Quinn. When you care so much for someone that you put them before yourself even if unconsciously: that's love.'''

And Quinn fainted.

* * *

Quinn woke up in her room, a few hours later. After the confusion cleared away and she reminded what happened, she felt a sudden urge to throw up. She opened her eyes to find out it was already dark, and assumed she had received a sedative to calm down.

It took her a while to realize she wasn't alone in her bed. It was such a recurrent event that it just felt normal to her. When her eyes were adjusted to the light, she turned to face Rachel and realize that mark of tear paths in her cheeks. She swore she felt her heart turning upside down inside her chest. Rachel worried about her.

In that moment, she knew for sure that the much-needed distance would hurt her more than Rachel. Because seeing Rachel hurt, made her hurt deeper than hurting herself.

Quinn brushed Rachel's bangs aside, and ran her thumb to wipe away one last tear that rest close to the girl's nose. She pulled Rachel closer and exhaled deeply, before allowing herself to one last bold action.

Quinn closed her eyes and slowly leaned forward, taking Rachel's lips in a small peak and hoping the girl wouldn't wake up. She pulled away soon, but the sweet taste of Rachel's lips would last for a few hours in her mouth, and forever in her mind.

With tears in her eyes, Quinn scoot away from Rachel, taking the girl's arms off of her waist as she slowly climbed out of bed. Before going to the bed of her own, she adjusted Rachel's blanket and put a pillow next to her, so that the girl wouldn't notice the missing body.

And as Rachel slept softly, Quinn's world fell down as she cried herself to sleep.

* * *

Rachel was always the one to wake up first. In that morning, instead of waking up with the loud nurses, Quinn woke up feeling a gentle – but insistent - poke on her shoulder. And upon opening her eyes, she saw Rachel right in front of her, releasing a huge sigh.

"I'm sorry. I needed to know you were alive." Rachel answered shyly, and Quinn let out a small giggle.

"I'm fine."

She wasn't the one to be talkative right when she woke up, but she had already anticipated that Rachel's curiosity wouldn't let her fall asleep again.

"What happened to you? I was dead worried."

Quinn shook her head lazily while rubbing her eyes – to avoid keeping the eye contact that would bear her soul open for Rachel.

"No need. I'm good, really. It was probably just the meds."

"You never had this reaction before, though. Do you think they will change your meds?"

Rachel anxiety was over the top, and Quinn didn't know how to handle it. Hell, she could barely handle her own anxiety, thus why most things in her life went out so badly. She was most definitely not ready to ease Rachel's. Just one more reason why this distance was so necessary – she told herself.

"Rachel. I said I'm good okay? Don't worry."

Quinn bit her lip when she realized she might have sounded just a little too harsh. Her impressions were confirmed by the guilty look on Rachel's face that broke her heart just a little bit further. She would just need to get used to have heart torn apart, a piece a day.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just tired and in a bad mood. I'll try to sleep it out, alright?"

Quinn tried to make the situation better, with a sad smile. She turned around and closed her eyes, hoping she wouldn't need to see any reactions in Rachel's face.

Quinn wasn't sure where she should place a line in their relationship, and that just make it all much harder than she imagined.

* * *

Lunch had been hell on Earth, with Rachel trying to engage in a conversation to receive only short answers. Quinn didn't know how much distance she needed to stop feeling so much _stuff_ for Rachel, so she tried to keep herself as far as possible.

For once, she wouldn't complain of taking the meds that took away every feeling of her body.

There were a few situations, though, where Quinn just couldn't pull herself away. She couldn't be responsible for any kind of regress on Rachel's treatment, so she kept helping the girl on daily tasks like she always did.

After Rachel back from therapy to their room, Quinn entered her own session. But when it was done, instead of coming back to her room, like she always did, she went to the music room.

It felt just like the beginning of their relationship, when Quinn wouldn't come back to the room to give Rachel space. Only now it felt horrible. Maybe because for now she was sure Rachel did not _want_ any space.

Quinn made sure to ask the nurses to take Rachel's dinner to their room, so that Rachel didn't have to leave alone for the cafeteria. And secretly, she hoped that the girl would already be asleep when she came back to the room. She really wanted to avoid having to tell her they shouldn't sleep together anymore.

But of course she wasn't that lucky.

"Where were you? I was worried. Are you okay?"

Rachel said hushing to Quinn's side as soon she entered the room.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just had, uh… I had stuff to get done."

Quinn tried to formulate an answer, but she wasn't good at improvising. With a quick look, she noticed the tray of Rachel's food was untouched.

"Why didn't you eat?"

She didn't want to care. She wasn't supposed to. But she just didn't know how to stop.

"I wasn't hungry"

Rachel answered shyly, with a small shrug, and avoiding Quinn's eyes.

She didn't have to say anything else for Quinn to conclude that Rachel hadn't eaten because she was too worried about her. Everything would be so much easier if Rachel wasn't so damn good for her.

"You should eat…"

"It's okay. I think I'll just wait for breakfast tomorrow. Let's sleep?"

Quinn had a hard time swallowing when she saw Rachel scooting closer to the wall and leaving her some space in bed. She really wished she didn't need to have this conversation. She really wished this had never started.

But at the same time, she wouldn't trade the moments they had for anything.

"I think I'll sleep over here today. My back is bothering me a little."

Quinn said with a frown, patting her own back and trying to make her argument more believable. But Rachel's eyes went wide in surprise – and not the good kind of surprise.

"But Quinn…"

Rachel didn't have to complete her phrase, because she knew Quinn would understand her. Quinn knew she didn't feel ready. Quinn knew she needed her. But Quinn had to be strong, for both of them. It was for the better, right?

"It will be fine, Rach. You did fine last night, right?"

Quinn closed her eyes as she laid down, hurrying before Rachel could say anything else to change her mind.

"Goodnight, Rach."

"You promised me…"

Rachel answered so softly that it took a while for Quinn to get what she had said. She pretended to be asleep; because there was no way she could respond that. Only she knew how deep those words cut.


	17. Every tear: Chapter 16

Chapter 16 - Every tear falls down for a reason

When Quinn woke up and didn't see Rachel on the bed next to hers, her heart skipped a bit. She had hoped so much this wouldn't happen – that things would be easier for them.

Quinn knocked on the closet door, but after waiting for a while and not getting any response she figured Rachel might still be asleep. She went on with her morning habits, but not much time later she could hear her stomach complaining and demanding food. She also thought it was odd that Rachel was sleeping in, since she was usually the one to wake up earlier.

Knocking one more time, and again getting no response, Quinn opened the closet door slowly. When she didn't find Rachel in there, she panicked. She growled and instantly ran out of the door, after the first nurse she could find.

"Excuse me! Miss!"

She yelled running to a nurse that stood on the hallway.

"No running, Ms. Fabray."

Quinn shook her head, evening out her breath before continuing.

"My roommate- She is gone! She is not anywhere in my room, and she wasn't there when I woke up!"

She tried to contain the fear inside of her. Had Rachel asked to be moved out, since Quinn wasn't treating her as well anymore? Had Rachel been forced to move out by someone of the staff? Why hadn't she been warned about any of this? And how could she sleep through it without noticing the movement in the room?

"Don't worry, Miss. She's just getting checked up. She's fine. Or as fine as she usually is."

Quinn felt the dumbest for forgetting that it was the day of Rachel's check up. The girl had been talking about it for a while – she was supposedly getting a med change, and was anxious about it. Quinn felt guilty for not helping Rachel through it, and the guiltiest for forgetting it at all.

When Quinn came back to her room, Rachel is already there. And she figured asking about medical things wouldn't be off limits – because friends do that too, right?

"Hey!" Quinn greeted with a shy smile, closing the door behind her.

Rachel just nodded back, and Quinn knew right there and then that the girl was upset. She hoped with all of her strength not to be the reason for the sadness, but she wasn't so sure hoping would be enough.

"How was it? Did you get new meds?"

Quinn asked, trying to cheer her up, but got no response. She insisted a little bit more, before actually getting Rachel to talk.

"Yeah, I got them."

"That's good, right?"

Quinn rose her eyebrow in confusion, trying to understand why Rachel felt so unenthusiastic.

"I guess so. Maybe, yeah."

Rachel answered with a shrug, keeping her head down. Quinn sat in front of her, trying to get a glimpse of the girl's eyes. Behind her back, Quinn crossed her fingers wishing Rachel wasn't crying – she wasn't sure she could just stand and watch that.

"What's up? Why are you like this?"

Quinn was never the one to push people into talking. Or even being interested enough to want to know, to be honest. But Rachel had never been the quiet one either, and something was certainly wrong.

"I just thought I was closer to going home. Today was a reality check."

Quinn knew. Rachel was showing fantastic improvements - that was a fact - but she still wasn't able to spend more than a couple of days without a crisis. The socialization part wasn't going so well either, and Rachel avoided anyone but the few she trusted.

However, the difference between Rachel and Quinn was that Rachel _was_ eventually going to get out of there. That's the thing with private mental institutions: once you're in, is not that hard for people to keep you in there for an undetermined period of time, as long as they have the money to afford it.

While Rachel's parents couldn't wait to take their little girl home, Quinn's parents barely remembered she existed – and would rather stay that way. Rachel had a perspective of getting out, and Quinn couldn't even dream about it.

It's easier to explain to your so-called friends that your child is travelling through Europe than to keep someone with no future like Quinn at their home. Quinn just wished she could actually be taking said vacation, instead of being trapped there and having her parents lie to everyone they knew.

Quinn didn't know how to comfort Rachel about it without making it look like she was self-pitying, so she just tried to change the subject.

"You must be hungry, skipping dinner and breakfast and all. Come on, I'll walk you to lunch."

But Rachel didn't move, and Quinn was only getting more restless.

"You don't have to, you know. If you don't want to. I don't mind eating in here. Also, maybe now with the new pills I can get better enough to go out on my own."

* * *

As the days passed, Quinn was sure Rachel had understood her attempts of distance and abided by the girl's wishes.

She never tried to start conversations anymore. She was sleeping alone in her own bed. She went back to eating in their room. She was even going and coming back from therapy alone – even though it wasn't a big walk, Quinn could see how painful it was for Rachel to do so.

Quinn knew, though, the walk would never hurt as much it was for Quinn to watch all of that. Quinn felt the pain inside of her each and every time she could see Rachel needing her, and having to stay still without offering help. Quinn felt her soul being torn apart every time she wanted to cry, but held her tears, trying to look strong and not faltering so that Rachel could go on without her. The cries that she held accounted for one of the worst feelings she'd ever had. She could feel the scars of those held tears much more tangibly than the scars on her wrists.

* * *

Christmas had always been a big deal at the Fabray's household. Quinn's mother never accepted a decoration that was inferior from any other one in the neighborhood. Every year, Quinn would watch lights being put up in perfect pattern all the way through the house. Her house looked like a dark night sky, and she spent most nights wishing it wasn't so cold so she could sit outside and watching the beaming lights.

Finding the perfect tree with her father was her favorite part, though. The man wasn't known for being very affectionate, but that didn't stop Quinn from being a daddy's little girl. She took every opportunity she had to be close to him and get his attention, and that particular night it was one of the few times a year where he made an effort to make Quinn happy.

Caroling was one of the happiest moments from her childhood. Before joining Glee club, during High School, it was the only time she could sing around without getting a complain of "too much noise" from one of her parents.

Quinn doesn't remember ever waking up on a Christmas morning without feeling excited. She always had at least a dozen of gifts under the tree, and her mother's brunch could beat up any 5 stars hotel's.

Having all her parents' friends around didn't make Quinn very happy, but on Christmas she wouldn't mind – she had too many new toys to distract her. What made Christmas extra special, though, was having her grandmother around. Quinn didn't see her very frequently, but since they shared an undying love for books, her Nana was in a fair amount of Quinn's memories.

This would be Quinn's first Christmas at the hospital. She had no idea if they would even have a celebration, since they weren't a Christian institution. However, she wasn't sure if she wanted them to celebrate or not. Although a lot of people seem to forget, for Quinn Christmas would always be about Jesus. And lately, Quinn was having a hard time with her religion. After the year she had, one could probably understand why.

Deep down, she knew she could never disbelief in God – it was too much of a part of she was. Quinn would always have faith in His existence and love. But right now, she wasn't feeling as grateful as the Pastor always said she should be. Quinn wasn't praying as much as she used too – she liked to think of it as somewhat of a silent treatment, even though it sounded childish in her head. But she felt this was one of her last resorts. Quinn just felt like God had forgotten about her, and she had no idea how she could get His attention again.

Another thing that wouldn't leave Quinn's mind since she woke up on that Christmas morning was Beth. This would be her baby's second Christmas, and although she knew this was for the best, she couldn't help feeling a tug of guilt in her heart for not being present. She wished she could at least have sent her little girl something, to let her know even through everything, Quinn still thought about her every day. But from inside, it was impossible for her to do anything like that.

Quinn spent most of the night awake, and by the morning she had made a decision. Christmas, being symbol of a new life, a new beginning, would be the mark of her new and improved persona. She would try to be better for the New Year to come.

And she would start by giving her parents a second chance. She had long forgiven them for disowning her when they found out about the baby, and she even let go the fact that they completely forgot about her birthday.

Quinn got out of bed quickly, to make sure she wouldn't stumble upon Rachel before breakfast. Luckily, the brunette had recently acquired the habit of showering in the mornings, which just made everything much easier for Quinn.

After breakfast, which had nothing similar to her Christmas' brunches, Quinn went to the head nurse to try to get her one and only Christmas wish.

"Excuse me?" She asked, opening the door slowly.

"Come in, please."

Hearing the permission, Quinn got inside and sat down right across the table where the nurse was. She was almost regretting her decision – she knew she wasn't in a position to ask favors, since she rarely cooperated.

"What do you need, Quinn?"

The nurse was surprised by Quinn's visit, and propped her elbows on the table, leaning forward on the girl's direction with her most curious look.

"I… I wanted to ask something."

Quinn was rarely shy – her mother always condemned that kind of attitude. She was taught from a very young age to enjoy being the center of attention and using whatever she needed to get what she wanted. But she soon realized this method wouldn't work when she was admitted in the hospital. Since then, she had a hard time just plain asking for what she wanted, and depending on someone's good will to grant her her wishes.

"Since it's Christmas… I thought maybe I could give my parents a call? It's been so long. Please."

Although she wasn't a fan of letting anyone in, Quinn knew she would have to be humble and sincere to have the nurse granting her wish. With a sigh, the head nurse got up and whispered she would be right back, leaving through the same door Quinn had come in.

It wasn't more than five minutes later when the nurse came back, but for Quinn it sure felt like a lifetime. She was almost sure her meds weren't working properly, because they should stop her from being so anxious and overthinking every possible scenario in her head.

Quinn just wished that, like almost every other patient, she received a monthly phone card for the payphone to call her family and friends. But when she was being checked in, her parents had told her this was just another useless expense, besides already having to pay for such expensive hospital. At the time, she just felt too guilty to insist. Now she wished she hadn't.

"Alright, Quinn. Seems like it's your lucky day. You surely didn't make in to Santa's Nice List, but apparently he decided to give you your gift anyway."

The woman hadn't even sat down yet when she started dialing on the old phone at the table.

Quinn would never admit it, but under the table her feet bounced anxiously while she chewed her inner cheeks. And each ring of the phone just made her grow more nervous.

The nurse bit her lower lip and cleared her throat before hanging up.

"No one answered, Quinn. Is there anywhere else they could be? Maybe a relative's house?"

Quinn shook her head, trying not to let the disappointment eat her up on the inside again.

"Well, I'll make sure to call again later today. If I get an answer I'll go grab you, alright?"

The nurse got Quinn's hand on hers and gave a small pat at the palm, trying to make Quinn feel a little better. Not that it worked, at all. But Quinn let out a small smile as a thank you for the woman's efforts.

"We'll have a Pastor holding a Christmas reunion on the library this evening, Quinn. You should go see him. It will be good for you."

Quinn nodded quietly and got up, turning to the nurse before leaving.

"I'll think about it. Thank you, though. And Merry Christmas!"

* * *

If something made Quinn sure that the institution didn't really care for Christmas, was the fact they made her go to therapy. Especially after everything, she couldn't be less in the mood to talk to her therapist. But a technique she had developed on the last weeks was helping her to no end.

Quinn realized they just wanted her to talk. Regardless of what she was talking _about_. So in her sessions she had started talking about random things that didn't have any particular meaning for her, or at least that didn't hurt her in any way. It was just a way of passing time without needing to be lectured about the importance of therapy and more importantly - without having to actually open up.

"And how exactly did you find that out?"

The therapist asked intrigued, scribbling down, and visibly happy that Quinn had started to give her something to work with.

"I woke up in the middle of the night and found my father eating the cookies while my mother wrapped up the last few gifts."

What Quinn didn't tell, is that she pretended to keep believing in Santa until she was 12 years old. It was her way of getting whatever she wanted for Christmas, regardless of price. Since Santa had his own factory, he couldn't complain when her wishes were just too expensive.

"Excuse me, Quinn?"

The nurse's head popped on the door and Quinn had to do her best not to jump out of the chair. She had to act collected, because she couldn't let her therapist know how anxious she was about all of this.

"I called again and someone answered, I believe it was your maid. She said your parents went to spend Christmas in Paris, but that she would make sure to tell them to call you once they were back."

The nurse bowed her head lightly, avoiding Quinn's eyes before excusing herself out of the room. Quinn really didn't want to let her sadness show, but maybe the therapist wasn't that bad, because she realized it instantly.

"I'm sorry, Quinn."

"I'm okay."

Quinn swallowed hard, and crossed her hands on her lap.

"I'll call them myself once winter break is over, and I'll tell them you need to talk to them."

Quinn furrowed her eyebrows in disdain – she just didn't believe the therapist had this much power.

"I said I'm okay, alright? May I be excused? I would like to go to the Christmas service."

* * *

Quinn hadn't been in anything resembling a church in a very long time. And even though the service was being held at the library, she felt something inside of her that she remembered feeling before.

She was taken by a strong feel inside of her, and started silently apologizing. She didn't know who she was apologizing to, or why she was doing so, but she felt better as she let it all go. She asked for forgiveness, and she asked for help. She needed a light, something that would show her she was in the right way. That she had a purpose. That she _really_ should try and get better.

It wasn't much after the Pastor started his sacred preach, that Quinn got down to her knees. Hiding her face in her hand as she pretended to pray, she let her tears roll down freely through her face. All the tears she had been holding ever since she was admitted in the hospital came out at once, and she had no way of holding back the sobs that left her mouth.

* * *

When Quinn got back to her room it was already past bedtime. One kind nurse had seen her at the service and made everyone wait until Quinn was ready to go back to her room, giving her time to get herself together.

For the time it was, Quinn thought she would find Rachel already asleep. For a second she wondered if the girl was a Christian or not, and felt bad for not offering to take her to the service, or even for not wishing merry Christmas.

However, upon getting in the room Quinn didn't find Rachel in bed. She laid down on her bed and waited, imagining Rachel would be in the bathroom since the door was closed.

When a while had past, and Rachel hadn't come out of the bathroom, Quinn started to get worried. There was no way the girl was still outside because the door had already been locked.

Quinn was about to get up and knock on the bathroom door, when she heard the high-pitched scream.

She could feel a knot forming on her throat when she realized where it had come from. She didn't even have to stare at the closet door to see how much it was shaking.

Quinn jumped out of bed in panic. She had never seen Rachel scream like that, and she just didn't know what she could do, taken their new condition as "barely friends". But when another scream came out of the closet door, she had no doubt she wouldn't be able to just stop and stare.

With a soft knock, she opened the closet door slowly to find Rachel drenched in sweat and shaking in the most scaring way. And before she could say anything, Rachel grabbed on to her hand like all her life depended on it.

"Quinn- They're back!" Rachel sobbed, clutching onto Quinn's arms. "Please, don't let them hurt me! Please!


	18. I'm trying: Chapter 17

**Author's Note: Hey everyone! This is the last one of the chapters I have ready. So from now on, I'll be posting as I write and edit. Which means we won't be having daily updates anymore. I hope you guys keep on reading and reviewing, and I promise I'll try not to take too long between updates. Have a great week!**

* * *

Chapter 17 - I'm trying to make it better piece by piece

Quinn swallowed hard, knowing there was no time for her to think. All her moral questions and inner reasoning would need to come back later, because right now she was too busy trying to save the most important person she had in her life. And she knew all of her fighting had been in vain. She would never be able to turn her back to Rachel when the girl needed it.

"It's okay, you're okay."

Quinn tried to calm Rachel down, grabbing both her hands and dropping a kiss on her palm.

"Who are them, Rach?"

She asked carefully, but Rachel's eyes went wider and she shook her head with all the strength left in her small body. Quinn knew Rachel wouldn't explain any further – which made if more difficult to know what to say to make the girl feel better.

"No one is going to get you, Rach. I'm here okay? You're good. You're safe."

Quinn tried holding Rachel's face, to look right in her eyes. But the shaking was so intense that Quinn couldn't hold it for much longer. If Rachel hadn't been conscious and talking, Quinn would think she was having a seizure.

Quinn wiped the sweat out of Rachel's forehead and the tears out of her cheeks. But her words and actions didn't seem to work, so she pulled her last resort and climbed inside the closet with Rachel – just like the old days.

Pulling Rachel inside her arms, Quinn could see how drenched the girl was. She couldn't care less, though. Nothing mattered anymore. She just needed to hold Rachel so tight that the girl would stop shaking. She needed to hold Rachel so tight that all the bad thoughts would be squeezed out of her.

And there Quinn stood.

None of them knew how long it lasted, but Quinn felt like the whole night passed by as she wished reassuring words in Rachel's ears and caressed her back.

Quinn just realized Rachel had started feeling better when the girl flinched away from her. It was understandable that Rachel would be somewhat elusive after how they treated each other on last few weeks. To avoid further discomfort, Quinn got out of the closet. But she couldn't go too far.

"Are you feeling better?"

She asked in a whisper, to which Rachel nodded shyly.

"I'm sorry I bothered you. It won't happen again."

Rachel whispered back, and when Quinn heard the girl's voice failing by the end of the sentence, her heart broke in tiny little pieces.

"You don't have to apologize, Rach. I'm here for you. Okay?"

Rachel smiled sadly, shaking her head once more as tears fell freely.

"You aren't, though."

And Quinn realized all of her previous decisions had been a mistake. Her endless fear was keeping her from being happy – and it brought along the worst consequence she could imagine. Rachel didn't trust her anymore.

"I'm so sorry"

But she knew that wouldn't cut it.

* * *

"I think I hit rock bottom."

The ultimate sign of it was the fact that Quinn had just said those words out loud for her therapist.

"Well, now there's only going up."

She regretted it instantly. Motivational speeches were definitely not what she needed at the moment.

Quinn had spent the whole night awake. She couldn't handle to know she had ruined the last little thing she had in life. She couldn't handle the reality of having ruined everything she ever had. And she couldn't picture anything else she could lose.

"What do you live for?"

By the look on her therapist face, Quinn knew the woman was going to tell everyone to keep an eye on Quinn. Suicidal thoughts. Quinn wouldn't deny it, but that's not what she meant to achieve with her question. She genuinely wanted to know what made other people keep going in life.

"What do _you_ live for?"

Quinn wished her doctors could just see this. There she was, really trying to make this therapy thing happen. And there was her therapist, being not helpful at all.

"Right now? Nothing, to be honest."

"What makes you get up in the morning?"

Quinn chuckled.

"Nurses yelling at me."

The therapist shook her head with a frown.

"Come on, Quinn. You were going so well. Don't stop now."

"Answer me, then. I need to know what keep other people going."

"Love"

Quinn nodded biting her lip and digesting the answer. Silence fell upon them for a good few minutes.

Quinn tried to remember what made her want to live when she was younger, happy and carefree. But she just couldn't. She tried thinking of everyone she had ever loved in her life, and how all of them had disappointed her or hurt her eventually. Love is too much of a selfless thing. Quinn never knew how to completely give her heart to someone else. It's not that she never loved anyone – she just didn't know how to let herself drown on the feeling. And she definitely didn't know how to express the love she felt inside.

"But if you live for love, you're not living for yourself. You're living for someone else."

Quinn couldn't understand being so selfless that you would continue on living just to make sure someone else was happy.

"Not exactly. You need a little love for yourself, too. Love for your life. That doesn't involve anyone else."

Quinn couldn't believe she had so little love for herself that she didn't think of it when the therapist mentioned love. But how could she love herself? After everything… She, more than anyone, knew all of her own bad habits and all the wrong paths she had taken in life.

"You don't see yourself as love worthy."

The therapist took the words out of Quinn's mouth, and all she could do was nod with a deep sigh.

"My reason to live doesn't have to be your reason, Quinn. Love won't make you happy. It won't make your life any easier – in fact, it will make you go through the hardest times of your life. But you can't fully live unless you let yourself love and be loved. It's an animal thing. You need to create bonds, even if only to have someone to yell at when you're frustrated because you know on the next day they will still be there for you."

And that's how Quinn decided she had a reason for living. In her head it felt more like a goal, but it comforted her to think that at least for a while she had something stopping herself from doing anything she couldn't.

Quinn would make sure Rachel knew how she felt.

She didn't care what would happen afterwards. She didn't care if Rachel would hurt her. She didn't care if the hospital would punish her. She didn't care if her parents gave up on her for good. She didn't care if she was going to hell.

She would live.

And she would love.

* * *

Quinn tried to plan out how her day would be. Although she had admitted to herself she was most definitely in love with Rachel, and decided she wasn't going do deny it any further, Quinn still had a long way to go.

She didn't want to move everything too fast and scare Rachel, and she didn't want to push herself too fast either. This was going to be her first time experiencing those feelings, and she was afraid it would all be too overwhelming.

So she figured her best bet would be to just start doing again the things she did before and she felt that helped Rachel. Like walking her to eat her meals at the cafeteria, and entertaining the girl during the day. And as time went by, she just knew for sure they would get closer together again.

Quinn woke up that morning, after a horrible night of sleep where she couldn't stop thinking about how bad Rachel's panic attack had been on the night before.

Rachel was already in the bathroom for a while when the nurse came into their room with their morning pills. Quinn heard the toilet flushing before Rachel came out, with her face still wrinkled with marks of her pillow and puffy eyes.

Quinn opened her mouth, taking her pills obediently and chugged on the glass of water, with the morning mood that was just so typical of her. She sat back on bed as she watched Rachel do the same, and ignored the nurse calling them to breakfast as she left.

"Good morning"

Quinn spoke to Rachel, but the girl turned her back to Quinn and hushed to the bathroom closing the door behind her. Not even two seconds later, Quinn heard the flushing of the toilet again and right there and then she knew.

Getting up and out of the bed on the same second, Quinn opened the door without even knocking. For once, she was glad their bathroom didn't have a lock. She didn't stop to think how this could set Rachel's off until she saw the girl jumping in startle as Quinn got inside the bathroom.

"What did you just do?"

Quinn asked, with her eyes open wide watching Rachel still kneeling down in front of the toilet. The girl got up quickly and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, walking to brush her teeth one more time. Her eyes glazed the ground as she tried to avoid looking at Quinn, and ignored her question.

"Rachel! Answer me!"

Quinn couldn't help to raise her voice, and upon the girl's avoidance she grabbed Rachel's forearm trying to get the girl to look at her. She just couldn't believe she hadn't realized before that this was happening, right before her eyes.

"Rachel, I'm going to tell on you"

And there she got Rachel's attention, who looked directly at Quinn, with tears in her eyes and a shaky lip.

"You wouldn't"

"Then tell me what's going on"

Quinn's voice softened in a beg when she noticed how terrified Rachel looked.

"You know what I did…" Rachel whispered ashamedly, glazing the floor and letting the first tear slip out. Quinn caught it with her thumb and sighed deeply.

"Why are you doing that?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

Rachel dismissed Quinn, pulling her arm out of the girl's grip and walking out of the bathroom to sit on her bed.

"You're gonna be late for breakfast, Quinn"

Said Rachel, noticing Quinn didn't quit and had followed her on the intent of keep the conversation going.

"I'm not leaving this room until I know what is going on"

Quinn knew she shouldn't be pushing Rachel, but she was all to worried to think any better at the moment. She just couldn't believe Rachel wasn't taking her medicines, and deep down guilted herself that just maybe she was the cause of all of that.

"Quinn, please"

Rachel shook her head, burying herself under the covers.

"No, Rach! You can't keep on doing this, and you know it! Just tell me what's wrong, please." Quinn kneeled by Rachel's bed, took the girl's hand on hers and begged once more. "Please, Rach"

"Why do you even care? We're not friends anymore"

The words cut Quinn deeper than she thought they would. She knew what her actions could bring, but when she really saw it happening she felt like the whole world was shattering right before her eyes. And she had no idea how to fix it.

"I never stopped caring about you. I just needed a little time to figure things out inside my head." But upon Rachel's silence, Quinn had to continue. "You have to trust me, Rach. I'm here for you. I'll help you with whatever you need."

Rachel turned her back to Quinn, facing the wall and hugging her legs.

"I trusted you. And you left me, just like everyone else."

"No, Rach. That's not true! I was still here, I just had to deal with stuff, but I was here all the time!"

Rachel let out a sad chuckle and closed her eyes, trying to make the whole conversation disappear. Quinn grew more nervous and anxious with each word she spoke. She was afraid she had lost Rachel forever and for good, and it pained her to only think about it.

"It's okay, Quinn. No one ever stays. I understand. I'm messed up goods."

Quinn knew what Rachel was talking about because she felt exactly the same way. Whenever someone got close enough to know how much baggage she had, they eventually went away. But Quinn knew that deep down, Rachel still trusted her. Because in her moment of most pain, when she was almost out of herself, she reached out to Quinn. Like last night. Even if just subconsciously, Rachel knew that Quinn would be there for her.

"Rachel, look at me. Please."

Quinn begged, pulling Rachel softly by the arm until the girl was facing her again.

"I know my words don't mean much now, after what I've done. But you have to believe me. Trust me. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving you. I'm going wherever you're going because I know that together we will be able to go much further. I know I fucked up but I'll make it up to you. You just have to trust me right now, okay?"

Only Quinn knew what a big deal it was too say all of that out loud for Rachel. She had never been the one to beg for anything, and she had to fight her pride to let Rachel know she would stay for good. The silence was killing her, until Rachel slowly and quietly nodded her head, making Quinn's heart explode in relief.

Quinn got up from her knees and sat on Rachel's bed, surprising the girl with a tight hug. When Rachel hugged her back, Quinn's smile almost jumped out of her mouth. She pulled away shortly to look at Rachel's eyes, and caressed her arm gently knowing this conversation still had a long way to go.

"Why did you stop taking your meds?"

Quinn asked again, even more kindly. She didn't like being out of loop, and she knew she couldn't help Rachel unless she knew what was going on. But she could tell her words had moved Rachel, and she could only wish the girl would open up to her.

"They weren't doing me any good"

Rachel answered in a dismissive shrug, but Quinn knew there was more to that than Rachel was letting her know.

"That's not true. You weren't having nightmares anymore, right?"

"Well, yeah. But I couldn't deal with its side effects."

Quinn frowned in curiosity.

"What were they?"

"Quinn, this is really embarrassing…"

Rachel looked away from Quinn's eyes and tried to pull her arm out of Quinn's touch, but the girl held her in place.

"Rachel, you have seen myself at my worst. You don't have to be embarrassed to tell me anything. I'll help you out, I promise you."

"They're too strong." Rachel said, giving up on trying to keep the secret from Quinn. "They make me sleep _too_ heavily"

Rachel answered in a shy whisper. Quinn frowned once more, trying to understand why this was such a big deal since the girl had been sleeping without bad dreams.

"What's wrong about that?"

Rachel let out a heavy sigh, clearly frustrated that Quinn hadn't understood and that she would have to explain herself further.

" _Too_ heavily, Quinn. I don't wake up at nights. Even when I _need_ to."

It hit Quinn, and as Rachel realized she hid her face on her pillow. Quinn linked the information with the sudden new habit of Rachel taking morning showers, and the highly increased amount of bed sheet changes their bedroom had been having lately. Suddenly, she understood.

"Did you tell the doctors?"

Quinn questioned, not putting any judgments in her reaction to make sure Rachel didn't get uncomfortable.

"I did but they said they cannot change the medicines until they studied its effects. It's just so humiliating." Rachel stopped for a second to wipe a tear, and let out a sob. Quinn held her hand tighter and bit her inner cheek. She could only imagine how bad it sucked. "I stopped taking the meds so that it would stop happening, but then…"

Rachel didn't have to continue, because Quinn knew what had happened.

"Don't worry, okay? I'll help you out. We'll get through this."

Quinn couldn't know if everything was going to be okay, but she hoped that if she sounded certain, Rachel would believe it. And at the moment, the only thing she needed was for Rachel not to give up hope.

Quinn could deal with the doctors.


	19. You took my soul: Chapter 18

Chapter 18 - You took my soul and wiped it clean

Quinn wanted to ask Rachel to sleep with her. Since the girl hadn't take her pills that morning, before their conversation, Quinn was almost certain Rachel would wake up during the night with her bad dreams. And Quinn wanted to be there for her. She knew this was the only way to get Rachel's trust back.

But again, she didn't want to push Rachel any further than she already had. She figured that if Rachel wanted to sleep with her, she would have asked, like she had done many times before. She knew Quinn wasn't the brave one. So Quinn contained herself and was satisfied just knowing that their "goodnights" had come back to make her night better.

Quinn fought against her sleep the longest she could. She wanted to be awake whenever Rachel woke up, to try and make her get better before everything just got too real again. But since Quinn had taken her pill for sleep, it wasn't much later when she found herself sound asleep.

When the whimpering coming from the closet woke Quinn up, she let out a sad sigh. Deep down she had hoped that Rachel would be able to sleep well even without the pills. Quinn opened the closet door and Rachel promptly jumped into her arms, hiding her face on the crook of the girl's neck. Quinn patted Rachel back and ran her fingers through her already soaked wet hair.

Quinn could notice that Rachel was whispering something, and moved her head to understand what was being said.

"Go away… Please"

Rachel mumbled through shaky breaths and for a second Quinn thought Rachel didn't want her there. But the way Rachel held her tightly, holding on for her life in Quinn's embrace, made Quinn realize Rachel was talking to something or someone else. Someone that only she could see or hear.

"They're not real, Rach. You can make they go away. It's only you and me here. I'm here."

Quinn tried to take Rachel out of her trance but Rachel held her eyes shut and shook her head violently, as she was trying to shake all the monsters out of her mind. The girl started crying harder, and although Quinn wanted to cry from just watching, she restrained herself. She had to be strong for Rachel.

"You're okay, Rach. We're safe. We're alone in here. I won't let anything get to you."

Quinn kept trying to comfort Rachel and didn't understand why the girl would only cry harder with every word she heard.

"They say you're not real"

For a second, Quinn considered it. She felt the dumbest for doing so, but what if really everything was just some kind of crazy twisted dream? Not much later, a high-pitched scream from Rachel made reality fell upon Quinn quick enough for her not to say anything stupid. Maybe she really was going crazy. That hospital definitely didn't do anyone any good.

"Rach, can't you hear me? Can't you feel me? I'm right here; of course I'm real. Don't listen to them, sweetie."

"But I can feel them too…"

Quinn felt like she had no way out. She wouldn't be able to convince Rachel whatever she was experiencing wasn't real, at least not while she was panicking. So she tried another approach.

"Alright, so let's hide from them okay?"

Quinn got a coat that was hanging right above them inside the closet, and put on top of them. She knew it wasn't the best idea, since Rachel was already soaking wet from all the sweat, but it was all she could think of.

"They won't find us hear, but you have to be real quiet okay? Trust me!"

Quinn whispered and wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulders to keep her under the coat. She felt silly, and she knew it was a last resort. But she figured it might work when Rachel's eyes went wide and she nodded quickly, before hiding herself on Quinn's shoulders.

For a while Quinn imagined her plan was working, because Rachel seemed calmer. And although she wasn't crying anymore, she soon enough resumed shaking.

"Quinn, I'm not feeling well"

"I know, Rach, but it will all be over soon"

"No, Quinn, I don't-"

But Rachel couldn't even complete her sentence as she pulled away from Quinn and threw up all over herself. Quinn squealed in startle, taking a step back as she saw everything happening.

"I'm so sorry" Rachel whispered as her eyes filled with tears all over again.

"Rach, it's okay. We'll clean it up, it's no big deal. You don't have to apologize." Quinn said after regaining composure. Rachel let a sad smile creep in her face and nodded silently. "Do you feel like we can leave the closet?"

Quinn didn't want to make Rachel uncomfortable and was not sure if the girl was already feeling better, but she felt like she would be the one to throw up if they didn't leave soon. Thankfully, Rachel nodded.

Quinn was aware that after Rachel's meltdowns she was usually extremely tired, always falling asleep right when she felt better. She took Rachel's arm and wrapped it around her shoulder to lift the girl out of the closet, but Rachel felt like a dead weight and Quinn could see the girl was still dizzy.

Struggling their way to the bathroom, Quinn sat Rachel down on the toilet as she turned on the shower. When Quinn turned back, Rachel was leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. She considered letting Rachel sleep, but she knew Rachel would sleep much better if she were all clean and fresh.

"Come on, Rach. The water is ready."

Quinn whispered gently, running her thumb on Rachel's cheek to wake her up. Rachel opened her eyes slightly, looking like a little drunken women as Quinn helped her up and into the shower. The water ran over Rachel, who still had her clothes on and didn't seem to be willing to move at all.

"Can you take your shower?"

Quinn asked apprehensively, and swallowed hard when Rachel shook her head in denial. Quinn would need to take the wheel, and she kept reminding herself that although she felt like she was doing something wrong, she was just helping Rachel out.

Santana had done the same thing to Quinn several times. The girl had never been strong to hold her drinks well, and more frequently than not, their night outs would end with Santana holding Quinn's hair as she threw up, before getting her to shower. If that were okay, what Quinn was doing to Rachel would be considered okay too, right? Quinn hoped so.

Quinn lifted Rachel's dirty shirt and waited for the girl to lift her arms so that she could take it off completely. Then, Quinn proceeded to strip Rachel out of her pants, leaving the girl wearing only a sports bra and her panties. Quinn didn't want to lurk, but she couldn't help realizing Rachel's surprisingly strong abs and toned legs. She wondered if Rachel had been athletic, before coming in to the hospital.

Quinn shampooed Rachel's hair, giving the scalp a light massage and feeling Rachel melt in her hands. She was glad she was behind Rachel, so that the girl wasn't able to see the blush on her face when Rachel let out a small moan through the massage session. After rinsing it off, Quinn applied the conditioner and let it sink as she gently scrub the soap all through Rachel's body. She couldn't help the smile that came to her face as the bad smell was replaced by the sweet scent of soap.

The shower brought Rachel back to her conscious and although she was still tired, she felt better enough to be able to change into clean pajamas alone. Quinn hid her relief – she just didn't think that stripping Rachel naked would be good while they were still repairing their relationship.

Quinn waited for Rachel to come out of the bathroom, and scooted closer to the wall to leave more space on her bed. After all that happened in their night, she felt like all the reasoning she had gone through before falling asleep was just ridiculous. She couldn't stop thinking that maybe Rachel wouldn't have gone through such a hard time if Quinn had woken up sooner.

"Come lay down with me"

Rachel's sleepy eyes got bigger in surprise as she was almost lying down in her own bed.

"Quinn, you don't have to… I'm better now."

"I'm serious. Just come here."

But Rachel was still unsure. Quinn could see the fear in the girl's eyes as if she was thinking how harder it would be too sleep alone after enjoying Quinn's warmth again. So Quinn decided that to reassure Rachel, she would need to rip herself open.

"I need you" Quinn whispered.

She needed to have Rachel in her arms and know that Rachel was well and that nothing was bothering her. She needed to have Rachel's body by her side to make sure the girl wasn't starting to shake again. And she needed to feel Rachel's breath close to her to know that the girl was still there, and that after every exhale there was always another inhale. Rachel was able to give her hope by solely breathing.

Rachel was sold, and Quinn was relieved to know that the girl still cared for her needs even after everything she had done. Quinn opened her arms and pulled the covers away, and Rachel laid on Quinn's shoulder snuggling against the girl's body. Even after their time apart, it still felt absolutely natural. Rachel fit perfectly on every curve of Quinn's body, and the proximity made them both feel safer than at any other place.

Rachel left out a shaky sigh of relieve, closing her eyes and trying to relax after everything. Quinn ran her fingertips through Rachel's wet hair, trying to get the tangles out while gently caressing the girl's hair. Quinn couldn't help to smile as Rachel's eyes got heavier and the girl drifted off to sleep under Quinn's caress. If paradise really existed, Quinn believed it felt somehow like this.

* * *

Even though they had the bumpiest night, waking up on each other's arms after so long made Quinn and Rachel wake up with a sense of peace that neither of them had felt in a while. Quinn took Rachel to all their meals again, and she could see how the girl had missed it, although she still didn't feel ready to do it on her own.

Their therapist also noticed Quinn walking Rachel to her session again, even though Rachel had become used to doing that alone by now. The therapist didn't make any comments, though. Quinn was relieved she didn't have to find an argument to reason with the doctor, because she honestly had none. She just felt like she had lost too much time away from Rachel, and wanted to make up for it being around the girl for as long as she could.

Although Quinn still felt her mouth running dry on anxiety as she felt other patients' eyes on Rachel and her holding hands, on that day she allowed herself not care. Nothing would ruin her mood. She could think on a way of dealing with that, and with her feelings of that being wrong, later.

Getting back to their room, Quinn laid back on her bed as Rachel sat up on her desk and picked up her drawing kit. Quinn figured Rachel needed a little alone time, and grabbed her book. It had been a long time she didn't feel calm enough to be able to concentrate in her reading, but she just knew that today was as good as she would ever get.

Quinn hadn't read much more than two pages when Rachel called her, and Quinn had to bit her lip to contain the smile from knowing that Rachel had missed her too. They couldn't bear being apart after all.

"Come draw with me" Rachel asked shyly, handing a pink pencil for Quinn. Quinn didn't mention the fact that she absolutely hated the color pink. She wouldn't deny something Rachel gave her.

"I don't know how to draw. My best bet is probably a little stick man. I stopped evolving my drawing skills at the age of five." Quinn mocked herself, but got up and sat on the chair near Rachel, nonetheless.

"Everyone knows how to draw. People just have different styles." Rachel said with a blank expression, and Quinn couldn't find out if the girl was serious or just being ironic.

"If you say so" Quinn answered with a shrug and started drawing her masterpieces: a completely uneven star, a stickman, a small flower being kissed by a butterfly.

And then Quinn remembered one of her favorites as a child. She got a whole new paper sheet for this one. Then, Quinn placed her hand right on the middle and carefully started tracing around with the pink pencil.

Quinn remembered doing the same as child and getting marker stains all around her hand. After she was done, she would go around measuring her hand to compare with everyone else's hand. Hers were always smaller than her friends, but when it came to fingers, she always had the longest.

Rachel stopped her drawing with a smile as she recognized what Quinn was doing. As soon as Quinn was done, before she could say anything, Rachel grabbed the paper and started tracing her own hand on top of Quinn's. It felt almost as if she had read Quinn's mind. In a second, their hands were together eternalized in a piece of paper.

However, what made Quinn's heart completely melt was when Rachel picked up the red pencil and draw, right on the bottom corner of the paper, a small heart along with their names. Quinn picked up the paper and with a piece of tape stick it to the wall right by her pillow. It might not be the most symbolic of the acts, but for Quinn, it was a way of marking that bed as theirs. Not just hers, but hers and Rachel's.

From that day on, Quinn promised to herself she would never again sleep without Rachel on her arms.

* * *

Quinn was ready in bed, looking at the drawing of their hands with the silliest smile in her face, when Rachel came out of the bathroom and sat on her bed. Quinn turned to face Rachel and frowned slightly. She was sure everything was okay, and she thought Rachel had felt the same happiness she felt by sleeping together. Quinn just didn't understand why Rachel wasn't laying by her side.

"Come here"

Quinn asked in a voice that sounded more like a whine than she intended. Rachel bit her lip nervously and fiddled with the sheets between her fingers. Quinn called her again, waiting for at least some kind of answer, and the girl looked up to her apprehensively.

"But I took my pills today, Quinn"

"I know you did"

"Well, what if I…You know. What if don't wake up?"

Quinn sighed. She wanted so badly for Rachel to understand none of those stuff mattered to her. She didn't mind waking up in a wet bad, as long as Rachel was by her side.

"You won't. I'll wake you up from time to time. How does that sound?"

Quinn tried to convince Rachel with the kindest smile, and the girl finally surrendered and cuddled up in bed by Quinn's side.

"Thank you, Quinn. You're so good to me…" Rachel said in a whisper so low that Quinn could barely hear. She shook her head faintly and watched Rachel running her finger along her hand.

Quinn could feel tingles inside as Rachel traced the lines in her palm.

"Did you talk to the doctors today?"

"Same thing as always" Rachel nodded sadly.

"But did you tell them of what happened yesterday?"

"Yeah. They said while is not _usual_ it still can be a side effect, and that I should let them know if I threw up again. I told you they wouldn't care."

"Fucking assholes" Quinn murmured under her breath, and then cleared her throat when she realized she had said it out loud and in front of Rachel. She never had the cleanest mouth, but she avoided saying bad words when Rachel was around.

Rachel was getting sleepy quickly because of the medicine, and turned on her side to lay on Quinn's shoulders as she closed her eyes.

"Goodnight, Quinn"

"Goodnight, Rach. See you in a couple hours."

* * *

Quinn felt like a zombie. She didn't let herself fall asleep properly at night; because she was worried she wouldn't wake up to wake Rachel up. So her night was spent in tiny naps spread through the hours. To be honest, she would rather just sleep and let it happen – she really wouldn't mind. But she knew Rachel would be upset, and it wouldn't be good for her confidence. And even though Quinn cherished her sleep like it was sacred, she cherished Rachel the most.

It was only when she tried to wake up Rachel that Quinn realized how strong the medicine she was taking was. Quinn shook her violently at the first time, and the girl still didn't even flinch. For a second, Quinn imagined Rachel had died and the tears started flooding out of her eyes at the very same moment. But for everyone's sake, Rachel woke up right afterwards and Quinn released the most relieved sigh of all times.

When it was only a couple hours until the time the nurses would come in and wake them up, Quinn finally let herself fall asleep. However, it wasn't for too long. Quinn felt her cheek getting damp, but she knew it couldn't be Rachel because the girl had just gone to the bathroom. She figured she was just drooling, which wouldn't be anything new. But when she touched her cheek, she felt the different texture and panicked.

"Rach? Rachel. Rachel!"

Quinn called as she shook Rachel. She tried not to scream, but she had never been a fan of blood and seeing so much of it all around Rachel was getting her uneasy. The fact that Rachel still took a while to open her eyes also made Quinn quiver.

"What's going on?"


	20. I love you: Chapter 19

Chapter 19 - I love you like you've never felt the pain

Quinn called as she shook Rachel. She tried not to scream, but she had never been a fan of blood and seeing so much of it all around Rachel was getting her uneasy. The fact that Rachel still took a while to open her eyes also made Quinn quiver.

"What's going on?"

Rachel answered startled with all the shaking. Quinn sighed in relief once more and shook her head, not wanting to let Rachel see how nervous she had been. As soon as Rachel sat up, Quinn could clearly see the blood was coming from Rachel's nose, and her heart skipped a beat. That had happened to her as a child many times, and she knew Rachel would be okay.

"It's okay. You're okay. You just had a nosebleed. I'll go get some tissues, wait in here"

Quinn ran to the bathroom and came back with a whole box. For the first time in her life, those several first-aid instructions she received every start of the year along with her cheerleading practice was going to be useful. She instructed Rachel exactly how she should bend her head forward, and caressed the girl's hair delicately for the long minutes as she waited until Rachel's nose stopped bleeding.

Once it stopped, Quinn threw all the tissues on the trash bin and took the sheets out of the bed. They moved to the other bed after both of them washed off their faces, and breathed easier.

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah. I think I'm okay. Why didn't you wake me up though? You said you would, during the night."

Rachel asked in a small pout and Quinn frowned worried.

"What are you talking about? Rach, I woke you up several times…"

Now it was Rachel's turn to frown in worry, and Quinn realized the girl really didn't remember anything that happened through the last night.

"They really need to change your medicines" Quinn whispered dropping a kiss on the top of Rachel's head, to be interrupted by the nurse who dropped her jaw on the floor as soon as she entered the room and saw the bloody sheets.

"Quinn Fabray, what did you do?"

The nurse yelled and Quinn chuckled. For once she could explain herself.

Both of them had to spend the whole day at check up. They wanted to check on Rachel to study more of the medicine's effects, and they wanted to the check up on Quinn just to be sure she didn't have any new scars. As far as they knew, the blood could be Quinn's and the story could be just Rachel's way of covering up for her. Quinn didn't mind being checked up though, because only she knew how long she had been without cutting – and she felt quite proud. Besides, being at check up with Rachel gave her the chance to talk to the doctors about Rachel's medication.

Quinn was as polite as she could be, and having Rachel by her side sure made she contain herself before yelling at the doctor. The doctor argued that the nosebleed could have nothing to do with the medicine, although Rachel claimed she had never had one. Anyway, he informed the nurses to install a humidifier in their bedroom – because the nosebleed could be because of the dry air. Quinn only dropped it when he promised that if even with the humidifier Rachel had another nosebleed they would stop her medicine and give her a new one.

* * *

Getting their check up was always exhausting. Although Quinn enjoyed having needles inside her arms for a few minutes, she knew the whole clinic ambient made Rachel anxious so she kept trying to distract the girl during the exams.

Quinn scrunched up her nose and knit her eyebrows together in curiosity as she saw Rachel leaving the bathroom, when it was already bedtime.

"Are those pajamas mine?"

Rachel blushed, and tried to hide her shy face behind her hands as she sat down by Quinn's side.

"I like them. They're cute. Do you mind?"

Quinn held the biggest and proudest smile on her face. She had no idea why having Rachel in her clothes made she feel so joyful.

"Not at all, actually"

Rachel smiled satisfied when she saw Quinn's reaction, but her face turned to a small pout as she grabbed her hairbrush.

"This humidifier might be their worst idea ever. My hair is gonna look terrible."

"Really? I was just going to say how much I liked it. It feels much easier to breath."

"Well, it does. But look at my hair!" Rachel whined dramatically as she ran the brush over the long brunette locks, and Quinn just chuckled.

"Your hair is fine, Rach. You're beautiful."

Quinn wasn't used to complementing people out of nowhere, but if fell so naturally out of her mouth that she didn't even realize how much it meant until she saw Rachel's look of shyness. Quinn would never take it back or apologize though, as it was only the truth.

Rachel laid down and pulled the covers over them as Quinn turned to her side and moved her arm to be resting on Rachel's stomach while her fingers played with Rachel's. Rachel sighed heavily, and Quinn opened her eyes to see if something had happened – but found Rachel smiling with her eyes closed.

"I think this is the best part of my life" Rachel whispered and Quinn felt her stomach fluttering.

"You said the same thing about the cookies at lunch." Quinn mocked with a raised eyebrow, and Rachel just shrugged.

"That was then, this is now."

Quinn snorted, watching Rachel set her facts so seriously.

Rachel's eyes were already closed, and when she stopped talking and just stood still Quinn assumed she had already fell asleep. Quinn would again be there to wake her up every couple hours, and although it was exhausting, Quinn didn't mind this particular part: being awake while Rachel slept. She liked watching the girl, and studying every inch of the perfect face of Rachel's.

Quinn didn't remind ever feeling so complete. Even before everything. She felt like she was exactly where she should be, and that taking their circumstances, it would just never get better than this. She propped herself on her elbow, to be able to see Rachel better. And with her free hand she ran her finger down on Rachel's cheek.

"You look so peaceful…"

Quinn whispered to herself, as she caressed Rachel's face. Since the girl didn't even flinch, she just continued. She was done holding back from what she really wanted, and if she wanted to stroke Rachel's face, so she would. She knew Rachel wouldn't mind.

"You're just so beautiful… So cute…" Quinn couldn't drop the silly smile that hanged on her face, and she let out a little sigh before murmuring. "So cute I could just kiss you"

"You can"

Quinn almost jumped out of bed in startle upon hearing Rachel's voice.

"I- I thought you were asleep" Quinn stuttered, trying to explain herself. But she realized there was nothing to explain. Rachel deserved to know everything she felt, and she had held back long enough.

"Why don't you?" Rachel asked searching for Quinn's eyes, where she knew she would find her answer.

Quinn felt like Rachel could feel just when she was ready to open up, and push her at just the right moments. Quinn sat up in bed, and keeping her eyes locked with Rachel's, she started stroking the girl's face again as she talked.

"I'm just so scared…"

"Of what?" Rachel asked curiously, resting her hand on top of Quinn's, as if she was trying to give Quinn the last little incentive she needed to say everything.

"Of everything" Quinn answered in a gasp "Of giving myself in… Of what others may say… Of going to hell… Of never being forgiven by my parents… Of hurting myself- or worse, of hurting you. I'm a mess, Rach"

"Well, I am too. We wouldn't be _here_ otherwise, right? We probably wouldn't even have met"

Rachel always knew what to say to make Quinn smile, and Quinn admired to no end the gift Rachel had of always finding the good in situations.

"You can be so strong for such a small human" Quinn tried to lighten up the mood, and got herself a little shove from Rachel, who smiled before getting serious again to keep talking.

"I'm not that strong. I'm scared too. And I've been terrified! But I've chosen to accept what I get, because I know that it's for the better. Everything happens for a reason."

Quinn tried not to let her mouth fall open. She just couldn't believe all that was happening. She couldn't pin point when the small screaming girl who came into her room begging not to be hurt had become such a wise woman for whom Quinn cared so much.

"I wanna be with you, Rach. I wanna be by your side whenever you need – and I also wanna be there when you don't need. And I feel like kissing you more times a day than I could count. But that's just as far as it goes… I don't think I should hurry myself into it. That has never worked out. But if you're just a little patient… I know soon enough I'll be everything you deserve. I just have so many feelings inside of me right now, and everything is so new. But I'm dealing with them and I'm getting better each day."

"I know you are" Rachel nodded, leaving a small kiss on Quinn's hands. "And I wouldn't hurry you. You can just do whatever you feel ready to do. I have a lot of improvement to do too. And we will help each other. Right?"

Quinn smiled and laid on Rachel's chest, holding the girl in the tightest hug.

"So… Let's say… If wanted to kiss you right now, before going to sleep. Would that be okay?"

Rachel let out a small chuckle and unconsciously licked her lower lip with just the tip of her tongue.

"Just do it, Quinn"

Quinn felt like her heart would either stop beating or just jump out of her chest at any minute. She would never cease being surprised by how fast her life could change.

Closing her eyes, she leaned forward and felt tingles running down her spine as Rachel's breath got so close to hers. When their lips finally touched again, Quinn could feel her entire body melting in relief. Only she knew for how long she had wanted to kiss Rachel once more. And she could swear it tasted even better than the first time.

Rachel had the softest lips, and when they moved against hers she had to take a deep breath to bring her back to Earth and know it wasn't just a dream. She took Rachel's lower lip between hers, and ran the tip of her tongue along the smooth skin. As she felt Rachel's lips quivering, she opened her mouth just slightly and took Rachel's tongue in a small suck.

Quinn's hand moved from under Rachel's to caress the girl's hair as Rachel held her cheek. With the tip of her tongue Quinn twirled around Rachel's, and Quinn just couldn't believe she would be able to kiss Rachel whenever she wanted.

When they pulled away needing to breath, Quinn melted at the smile on Rachel's face. She gave the girl another tight hug, and let her heart come back to its normal pace as she felt Rachel's beating just as fast. But as always, Quinn could never fully enjoy a moment before anxiety took its place.

"Can we just keep this a secret?" Quinn asked uncertain "I don't feel ready… But most of all, I don't feel like it would do us any good. I mean, if anyone from the institution knew. I'm afraid of what they might do." Rachel agreed promptly with a nod, and Quinn smiled again in relief. "Not even our therapist okay? Don't tell her. I don't trust her, at all."

"I know" Rachel smiled, looking down and playing with Quinn's hair, shyly before she asked, "Does this mean you're my girlfriend?"

Quinn tried her best not to let it show as she felt like she had just been punched on the stomach. The word sounded too strong, and the first thing that came to Quinn's mind was her mother's face if she ever heard that. But she didn't want to let Rachel down.

"Rach… We don't need to give it label to make it real. It's just me and you okay?"

Rachel nodded before looking up to Quinn, and Quinn could see the girl was taking up all of her courage to say whatever she was going to say.

"You're mine, though, right?"

Quinn's heart flipped, and she realized Rachel just had no idea of anything.

"I've been yours ever since you walked in that door."

* * *

Quinn spent the whole night awake again. To be sure that she would be awake in case something happened to Rachel, Quinn didn't take her sleeping pill. But instead of flushing it down the toilet, like she usually did, she decided to hide it in her bedroom. She could use them later to sleep during the day if she didn't feel well.

Her eyes were locked on Rachel all night long, being worried that the girl's nose might bleed again. Quinn always thought about the worst-case scenarios, and just knowing that there was a chance that Rachel could choke on her own blood and die made Quinn shiver. Especially now that everything was working out again.

It wasn't that hard to be awake though, as she for once could use her vivid memory for something good. Quinn replayed their kiss and conversation about a million times inside her head, and she just couldn't believe how odd it was that something so good would happen at such a bad place.

Quinn thanked God she was awake when she saw the first droplet of blood leaving Rachel's nose. She grabbed the tissues she had purposely left on the nightstand and wiped it off, before another one came out.

"Rach" Quinn whispered, hoping it would be enough to wake the girl up. She didn't like having to shake Rachel, she always felt the girl waking up startled. So she decided to take advantage of her new agreement to wake Rachel up in a way that would make both of them feel better.

Quinn whispered the girl's name again, and spread small kisses all over Rachel's face. It took a while, but she knew it was working because Rachel started smiling. So Quinn leaned and left a peck on Rachel's lips, before the girl opened her eyes dizzily.

"Hey beautiful" Quinn murmured, letting Rachel adjust herself before she dropped the news. "Your nose is starting to bleed again"

Rachel took a deep breath, and Quinn showed her the bloody tissue. Rachel coughed a few times, and the blood started rolling down again, for Quinn's worry.

"Ugh, I hate this feeling" Rachel whined, coughing a few more times. Quinn gave her more tissues and checked the clock, to see how long it would last.

* * *

"They need to change Rachel's meds"

It was Quinn's last attempt and since the therapist had helped then back when Rachel needed to eat in their room, Quinn thought it was worth the shot.

"So, did you two start talking again?"

"We never stopped. We're just not that close anymore."

Quinn was as short and objective as she could. She didn't want to give too much information, afraid it could be used against them.

"But you weren't walking her around, and you have started again"

"Just because I wanted her to leave the room. It was starting to smell like food."

Quinn had it all planned out. There was no way the therapist would get her.

"And why do you care about her meds?"

"I don't care about her meds. I just don't want to wake up in a room smelling like urine, or vomit or blood. It's getting grosser every day."

Perfect argument. Quinn had wasted a good part of her night coming up with it.

"Well, if it's bothering you so much we can arrange a change of room, perhaps?"

"NO!"

Way to destroy all your plans, Quinn. Her scream for sure would give away to the therapist that Quinn wasn't so indifferent as she was trying to seem.

"God knows who I would end up with. I would rather smell all of that than have someone trying to eat my hair while I sleep again. Just no way."

"I see"

Her therapist nodded, writing it down and Quinn swallowed hard in tension, just hoping the doctor wouldn't realize.


	21. I'll follow you: Chapter 20

**Author's Note:** Hey everyone! I'm sorry it took me so long to update! I had a long weekend and got to go to my hometown and see my family, which was absolutely the best but left me with no time for writing. I'll make it up to you all though!

We have officially hit the halfway mark! If everything goes as planned this story will be complete with 40 chapters, so we still have a long way to go. Hope you are all enjoying!

* * *

Chapter 20

Quinn wasn't even half way done with her therapy session, when the door was slammed open and a nurse came in.

"Excuse me, Doctor. Quinn is being required at the clinical wing urgently."

Quinn frowned. She had just been on clinic the day before, and she worried that something bad had come up on her exams. She promptly got to her feet, glad that this time the therapist couldn't complain nor try to stop her, and followed the nurse.

"Do you mind telling me what is this about?" Quinn asked feeling a knot growing on her throat.

"I don't think I'm allowed to say anything, Quinn"

"But will I be okay? Did they find something on my exams?"

"Oh, no, that's not about you, sweetie. It's about Rachel"

And Quinn's heart dropped to her feet. She had to support herself up with a hand against the wall, and take a deep breath before she was able to think of what to say.

"What happened to her? Is she okay?"

"The doctor will talk to you about it, Mrs. Fabray"

Quinn could swear the hall had gotten a million times longer, as she walked her way to the clinical wing of the hospital. Her mind raced with all the possibilities of what could had happened to Rachel, and her vision started getting blurry as soon as she sat down across the doctor's table.

"Please tell me what is going on" Quinn begged, fighting the tears that started flooding up her eyes.

She knew she shouldn't be that weak, because she was only letting the doctors know that their relationship wasn't like just any regular roommates. But she couldn't control her feelings as they exploded inside of her.

"Don't worry, Quinn. Everything is fine."

Quinn huffed – half in relieve that nothing had happened, half in angry that they made her worried like this. She was extra uncomfortable with the doctor referring to her by her first name, as if they were close enough for it. It was thing to have the nurses do so – she was even used to it – but doctors never did.

"What the hell do you need me for, then?"

"We need your help with Rachel" The doctor sighed, as if it took too much effort for him to admit.

"Go on" Quinn frowned in curiosity.

"We have changed Rachel's medication, as we realized the side effects weren't worth the results we were achieving."

Quinn huffed in irony. It was just sick that the doctor would say such thing after making Rachel suffer with the medication for so much time.

"However, we need to run a fMRI-"

"A what?" Quinn interrupted.

"It's a functional magnetic resonance imaging. It's an exam that shows the brain activity." Quinn nodded, and the doctor went on. "In her case, more specifically, we are trying to see which part lights up when she is hallucinating. However, we cannot induce the hallucinations to start, and we can't move her to the procedure while she's having one because the exam requires that she stays still for a long period of time."

Quinn was getting annoyed that the doctor was taking so long to explain everything. She just wanted to know for once and all what they were going to do with Rachel.

"So we have given her a medicine that is supposed to make her feel relatively calmer while stimulating her brain at the same time in hope that she sleeps and has vivid dreams."

Quinn frowned, still not understanding how she was necessary in the whole process.

"Our problem is: she is not getting calmer. We have given her the maximum dose of medicine possible and although she sounds out of herself already, she won't calm down. We fathomed it is because she is triggered by being surrounded by so many people she doesn't really know while being enclosed in the machine."

Quinn just couldn't believe this person had a degree in medicine and hadn't figured that out sooner. For Quinn it was just plain obvious that Rachel wouldn't react well to the process of the exam.

"She called out for you a few times, in between the incoherent sentences she's been saying. So we figured maybe you could help us out by making her calm enough that we can run the exam."

Quinn thought it would be better not to put Rachel under this kind of stress, but since she knew they wouldn't take what she thought in consideration, she would help. After all, if Rachel had to be there she would be there too.

* * *

As soon as Quinn got in the room, Rachel ran in her direction with a huge smile on her face.

"Quinn!"

Rachel yelled, clutching on to Quinn in a tight hug. Quinn couldn't help to smile seeing how happy Rachel was to see her.

"What's up?" Quinn said with a small chuckle, and Rachel's eyes went huge as she tried to explain what she was experiencing.

"I think we are in a spaceship. Look at all those things! I was crying because I thought I would never see you again, but you're here! Perhaps we've been rescued! I'm so happy they decided to save you too!"

As Rachel went on with her blabbering, Quinn just blinked nervously. Rachel looked absolutely drunk. Quinn was sure the girl had never been drunk, but this was exactly how Quinn imagined her to be after a few drinks.

"We've definitely not been rescued, Rach… But we're fine."

Rachel murmured something on utter disappoint, and although Quinn felt horrible for getting Rachel out of her illusion, she just wanted the exam to be over as soon as possible.

"We're still at the hospital, and they need to run an exam on you because they've changed your meds"

"Oh, did they?! I didn't like those at all"

"Yes, I'm aware" Quinn chuckled "So here how this is going to be. Listen to me, alright?" Quinn asked and Rachel answered with a nod and her big eyes widened as she tried her best to focus her attention. Quinn just couldn't believe how absurdly cute Rachel looked. "They need you to lay down in there" Quinn said, pointing to the machine "Close your eyes and be as still as you can. You can even sleep if you want to. And then when you wake up, it will all be over"

"Like a nap?" Rachel asked in a confused frown.

"Mhm, yeah. Sure. Like a nap."

"Are you coming too? Are you tired? Do you feel sleepy?"

Quinn was almost overwhelmed by how much Rachel was rambling. They definitely made her brain become active, but the calming part of the pill wasn't working at all.

"No, Rach. You need to come in alone for your exam."

"But Quinn! You know I don't like sleeping without you!" Rachel answered with a big pout and her eyes starting to water. Quinn sighed, not knowing how she would convince Rachel.

"I know, I know. You don't have to sleep then. Just lay in there for a while."

"But this looks scary. I don't want to. I wanna be here with you."

"I know, Rach…" Quinn assured her, with an even tighter hug as she ran her fingers through Rachel's hair. "But you need to. To get better you know? I promise you nothing will happen. You just need to lay there and I will be here waiting when you come out."

"Can I hold your hand, though?" Rachel seemed to be pondering.

Quinn looked to the glass wall, where the doctors sat and watched their interaction, awaiting for a response. Soon enough, a voice came from the speakers on the corners of the room, saying yes. Rachel jumped on startle and looked around.

"Is this the alien?"

"No, Rach. It's the doctor. He said I can hold your hand while you're in there."

"Okay…"

"Are you going then?"

"Yeah. You said it's okay, right?"

Quinn nodded. Her heart swoon seeing how much Rachel trusted her. She pulled a chair near the machine, and took Rachel's hand, helping her get in. Once Rachel was placed, Quinn grabbed her hand and started giving her the information the doctors had told her.

"Alright, Rach. So from now on you shouldn't move, alright? And you can't talk either. You might hear some weird noises in there, but is just the machine working and nothing will happen okay? Squeeze my hand when you're ready for them to turn on the machine."

Quinn placed her other hand on Rachel's thigh and caressed it gently, trying to help her to get calmer, and a few seconds later she felt the awaited squeeze. Quinn nodded to the doctors, and heard as the machine went on.

The noise wasn't too loud, but she knew it would be enough to make Rachel nervous. So she took the doctors advice to talk to Rachel during the process, and try to make her feel calmer.

"Close your eyes, Rach… Let's go to a happy place okay? Think of us in a car. We drive right through the hospital gates. We take the road with the windows blasted open and our hairs flying with the wind. Your favorite song is on the radio, and we're jamming from the top of our lungs. We drive and drive, and we reach a beach. It's the most beautiful beach you've ever seen. The water is clear blue, and the sand is bright white and so thin that you feel like you're stepping on clouds. There's nothing but trees around us. Tall trees of all kinds, and we can only hear the sounds of the ocean waved and birds chipping. And right there, is our house. It's small and so, so cozy. You have a little art studio, and it has beautiful drawings of us all over the walls. We have a big dog, and you play with him while I bake some cookies. The whole house smells amazing. We eat then, letting crumbles fall all over the floor but it's okay because our dog eats it. When the afternoon is ending, we go outside. We sit on the sand, while our dog runs around, and we watch the sunset. The sky changes to the most beautiful colors, and we watch as the sun dives in the ocean and little stars start to appear on the dark sky. And we're so happy. We're safe. And we're free. There's no doctors, no nurses. There are no medicines and there are no needles anywhere. There are no nightmares. There's no fear and there's no anxiety. There's just happiness. And there's just you and me."

Quinn finished with tears in her eyes, and made no efforts to stop them from running down her cheeks. It hurt deeply that nothing she said was true, and it may never be. She was impressed by how quiet Rachel managed to be, and soon enough the doctors announced they had finished the exam.

When they pulled Rachel out of the machine, she had the dizziest smile on her face and Quinn figured the calming medicines had finally kicked in. They talked about keeping Rachel there for the night until the effects of the medicines were gone, but Quinn argued enough to convince them that Rachel would give them the hardest time if she were to be there alone. They let Quinn take Rachel back to the room, knowing that if anything happened she was supposed to call the nurses to bring Rachel back. But Quinn knew she could take care of Rachel better than any doctor ever would.

* * *

When they were back at the room, Rachel was already back to her rambling self. Quinn l laid her in bed and sat by her side, getting a kick out of seeing how carefree Rachel seemed.

"That was a nice exam, I feel nice"

"I'm glad you feel good"

"I feel all tingly inside, and I can't really feel my nose" Rachel said scrunching up her nose, and Quinn dropped a kiss at the tip of it. "Nope, didn't feel a thing"

"You are so funny right now" Quinn said as she chuckled and shook her head.

"I know! I feel funny! Why is that?"

"They gave you medicines for the exam, remember?"

"Oooh! That's true! I remember now. I was scared."

"I can imagine. I'm glad you called me."

"And you went there and saved me!" Rachel moved her head to Quinn's lap, wrapping her arm on the girl's waist.

"Yeah. I'll always be there, Rach."

"Thank you. My hero!"

"You're most definitely welcome" Quinn said in a big smile.

"Why do I feel so funny though?"

"Have you ever been drunk?" Quinn said giggling.

"No. I'm not over 21 yet. Why would you ask that?"

"Just curious. When you ever get drunk, this is close to what it will feel like."

"Oh really? Mhm. Well, I can see why people drink, then. It's fun." Quinn nodded in agreement, running her fingers through Rachel's hair. "Have you?"

"Have I what?"

"Have you ever been drunk?"

Quinn froze. She had planned on telling Rachel about one particular night she got drunk, and how everything turned out. But she didn't want it to be like this, when Rachel wasn't feeling herself and when she didn't knew if Rachel would remember on the next day.

"Yeah"

"Was it fun?"

"Not really"

"Oh. I'm sorry…"

"It's okay"

"Maybe we can get drunk together on my 21st birthday. When we're out of here already."

"Sure"

"We will still be together when we're out of here right?"

Quinn swallowed hard. Rachel questions were making her anxious, and she just wanted their conversation to go to a different path.

"Are you hungry? I saved you a cookie from lunch, since you couldn't come" Quinn said, taking the cookie wrapped from out of her jacket's pocket.

"I'm always hungry for cookies. Thanks, Quinn."

"You're welcome"

"This feel like the old times, when you always brought me cookies so I wouldn't starve to death" Quinn chuckled at Rachel's drama. "Who would know, right?"

"What?"

"That it would turn up like this. I was so afraid of you at first!"

"Why is that?" Quinn asked with a frown.

"Because… You hurt yourself. And I was afraid you would hurt me too."

"I would never hurt you like that, Rach"

"Yes, I know now. But didn't know then."

"Why did you help? On that first day. I mean, if you were afraid… I just don't understand."

"I don't, either. I guess I just knew. I felt like I had to. Maybe I just never wanted you to be in pain."

"I wasn't in pain. Cutting was actually the moment I felt less pain, back then."

"Quinn, that's sad"

Quinn nodded with a sad smile. It was nice talking to Rachel while the girl's inhibitions were all down and she just said exactly what was on her mind. Quinn was relying on the hope that Rachel wouldn't remember much on the next day.

"Yeah. But you helped me. More than you will ever know. And you still do." Quinn said gratefully, grabbing Rachel's hand and running her thumb through the girl's palm.

"Aren't I marvelous?"

Quinn broke in a good laugh at Rachel's modesty.

"You definitely are"

"What did you think of me at first?"

"I just hoped you wouldn't be a pain in the ass" Quinn said in a giggle.

"Quinn, that's not very nice!"

"I'm not a very nice person, Rach"

"I think you are quite nice, actually"

"But it's different"

"Why?"

"Because I don't treat you like I treat everyone else"

"Why not?"

"Because you're different"

"Different how?"

"You're special"

"Why?"

Quinn just sighed. She could only imagine how Rachel's fathers had handled her as a five year old, when all they do is ask questions. Rachel was rather perseverant on her way to get the answers she wanted.

"Rach, you know why"

"Do I?"

"Yes, you know it"

"Yeah, I do. I just thought you would say it."

Quinn bit her lip. She wanted to say it. She wanted so badly. She wanted to say it every morning when she woke up to Rachel's sleepy eyes, every night when she heard the sweet goodnight, and all the time in between. But the words always got stuck on her throat.

"I will okay? I promise you. Just give me a little more time."

"Okay"

"Okay. Let's go to sleep? It's late already"

Rachel agreed, and Quinn helped her to get ready to sleep. Soon they were both already cuddled in bed.

"Goodnight, Quinn"

"Goodnight, Rach"

Quinn whispered, leaving a peck on Rachel's lips before snuggling to the girl's side and closing her eyes.

"Quinn?"

"Mhm?"

"I want all of that. That you said while I was in the spaceship."

"Me too, Rach"

"Quinn?"

"Mhm?"

"We should get a cat instead of a dog, though"

"Anything you want, Rach"

"Quinn?"

"Mhm?"

"I love you"


	22. I'll wait, I'll wait: Chapter 21

Chapter 21 - I'll wait, I'll wait

Quinn hadn't taken her sleeping pill again; instead she had saved it hidden in her drawer like she had been doing for a while now. She wanted to make sure she would stay awake, because since it was Rachel's first night with the new medicine, no one knew what reactions she could have to it. However, after the way the night ended, she knew she would have stayed awake even if she had taken her pill.

Rachel had confessed her love for her. And without knowing what to say, Quinn pretended to be asleep and not hear it.

Quinn wished she could explain why these simple words would always get stuck in her throat, but she had no idea why she had this blockage keeping herself from saying them. It's not like she didn't feel it. And it's not like she didn't trust Rachel enough to say it, either.

Deep down, she imagined it was some kind of self-defense technique she had developed. It wasn't seeing everyone you ever loved leaving you when you needed the most. Although she was sure Rachel would never do the same as everyone else, she still felt uneasy on expressing her feelings so freely like that. She wished she had Rachel's courage. She wished she knew how to make Rachel realize how much she was loved, and how there was nothing Quinn wouldn't do for her.

Quinn didn't know how to proceed that morning. She was just too nervous thinking of whether or not Rachel would remember it. The sun had risen a while before, and she knew it was close to the wake up call time, so she decided to wake up Rachel before any nurse did.

Unwrapping herself from the smaller girl's arm, Quinn propped herself on her elbows standing on top of Rachel. She leaned forward until their mouths almost met, but froze, one last time silently praying that Rachel wouldn't remember, so that this morning didn't have to be awkward.

Then, before she could move forward to give Rachel her good morning kiss, the girl opened her eyes with a smile and leaned forward to give a peck on Quinn's lips.

"You were taking too long" Rachel reasoned with a silly smile, pulling back and looking at Quinn's confused expression. "Good morning!"

"Good morning" Quinn gulped, still surprise by Rachel's sudden kiss. "How was your night?"

"It was good, actually. I'm feeling rested!"

"Great!" Quinn smiled, giving another peck on Rachel's lips "I hope this medicine is the one for you!"

"Yes, me too!" Rachel answered in a nod, and they fell in silence.

Quinn realized that although she had asked for it, she wasn't sure anymore if she wanted Rachel to forget what she had said. Something inside of her had told her that Rachel would remember, and deep in her heart she felt somehow disappointed.

"So… do you remember yesterday? I mean, your exam and stuff." Quinn pushed lightly, not giving away exactly what she wanted to know but testing the waters to see how Rachel would react.

"Yeah. I guess so. Shouldn't?"

"Well, I don't know. You looked drunk, and drunk people sometimes forget stuff." She shrugged it off casually, hoping Rachel wouldn't realize how nervous she was inside.

"Mhm, I don't think I did. I mean, I remember panicking in the exam room, and I remember being relieved when they brought you along. Then I remember falling asleep inside a weird capsule or something." Quinn nodded as Rachel described, but got up and started browsing her clothes on the closet pretending to try to find something to wear, when she was really just trying to prevent Rachel from seeing her face. "So, yeah. I don't think I forgot anything. I remember we talked a little, too. Why? Do you remember anything else?"

"Nope" Quinn tried to sound casual, but she knew something in her voice gave it away.

"Oh! And that I thought we were being captured by aliens."

"Yeah… You did." Quinn chuckled remembering, and got inside the bathroom to change her clothes.

As soon as she closed the door behind her, she heard.

"And I remember I told you I love you, and you pretended to be asleep"

If Quinn could, she would have flushed herself down the toilet right then and there. But she knew the situation would just get more and more awkward if she hid herself in the bathroom for much longer, and she was trying to become the one to face her problems instead of running from them. So she opened the door, and leaned against the door stand biting her lip shyly. Her eyes met Rachel's and the girl gave her a small smile that made her feel even guiltier than she already was.

"I'm sorry, Rach" Quinn said sincerely. It was the only thing she could manage to say, and she knew Rachel appreciated honesty.

"It's okay. It's just that you didn't need to pretend, you know. I would understand. I do understand." Rachel shrugged with a smile, and Quinn tried to read what was going on behind those eyes. But she had never been as perceptive as Rachel, and couldn't discern what Rachel wasn't saying.

"I know you would." Quinn nodded and walked back to bed, standing beside it and taking Rachel's hand to drop a kiss on it. "You're amazing and I'm really, really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's okay, I'm not upset" Rachel nodded with a smile, looking down to their interlaced hands. Quinn thought about how small Rachel's felt under her slender long fingers, and wondered if there was anything on Rachel that wasn't a perfect fit for her.

"It's just- I-" Quinn deep sighed, gathering the courage to open up to Rachel. "I just never said it and meant it. I've said a billion times but it never felt real. It's scary now."

Rachel smiled broadly, and Quinn was relieved to see that Rachel really understood that it's not that she didn't say it back because she didn't feel it. Rachel pulled Quinn closer, and caressed the girl's cheek.

"I love you, Quinn" She said again, with the smuggest look on her face. Quinn felt a tingle running throughout her blood stream, and disbelieved she would ever get used to hearing those words come out of Rachel's mouth without having an internal meltdown. Rachel leaned forward taking Quinn's lips in a passionate and small kiss that showed more love than the words ever could express and made Quinn's stomach flutter. "And I know you love me, too"

* * *

Quinn watched amusedly as Rachel ate carrot sticks at lunch. She doubted anyone could look this cute doing such a mundane thing, and she was glad to see that Rachel had become able to eat peacefully at the cafeteria without being bothered by the so many patients around her. Which made Quinn remember it had been a while since they had went out of the room to anywhere but cafeteria, therapy or doctor appointments. And something inside her, told her that Rachel was ready to get a little bit more adventurous.

"Hey" Quinn said softly, getting the attention of Rachel's who was all too concentrated in her carrots. Rachel looked up to her, almost in startle by Quinn's voice, and Quinn held back a chuckle before completing her sentence. "I have an idea for today!"

"Really?" Rachel's eyes shined brightly, which made Quinn even more excited. "What is it?"

"They're holding a movie session this evening at the music room. I thought that maybe we could go there now, after lunch, when there's no one there. I could play a little for you and we could just hang in there to see if you're comfortable with it. And then if you feel alright maybe we could stay for the movie." Quinn proposed, searching in Rachel's eyes for anything that might indicate the girl wasn't ready to cross that line. "What you think?"

"That sounds nice" Rachel smiled shyly with a small nod. Quinn smiled back, and nodded silently. "I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay right until the end… But it will be nice to hear you play again. You play very well!"

"It's alright, we will leave the moment you ask me to, okay?" Quinn replied, taking Rachel's free hand and caressing the back of the palm with her thumb. "And thanks for the compliment!" Quinn chuckled "I practiced a lot back then. I spent a lot of time in the music room, since I thought you wanted to be alone in our bedroom, and the music room was the only one that was always empty and no one bothered me."

"And I was there dreading the moments you left!" Rachel laughed lowly, looking around to check if people around them were paying attention. "Even when I couldn't come out of the closet, it felt nice to know that you were out there. That I wasn't completely alone. You know, because then in case some monster got in the room they would attack you first."

"That's very nice of you!" Quinn said ironically as she burst out a low laughter, trying not to attract any looks.

"But thank you for always thinking of me and of how I would feel. Back then and now too..." Rachel whispered coyly, gripping her hand a little bit tighter. "You're the best."

"You don't have to thank me…" Quinn answered in a shook of her head, as her cheeks started getting slightly flushed. She had always received a lot of compliments on her looks, and knew how to deal with those. But people rarely complimented her actions, and she felt rather self-conscious.

"You know" Rachel whispered, leaning forward across the table and closer to Quinn. "Those are the moments I know for sure that you love me too"

Quinn felt her whole face burning red and just turned her head away to avoid Rachel's look as she tried to regain some composure. She hid the biggest smile that appeared on her face with her free hand, and heard Rachel chuckling.

When Quinn opened the music room's door, she could see a sparkle firing in Rachel's eyes like she had never seen before. Had she known earlier the girl had so much passion for music, she would have invited her to the room sooner. Rachel looked like a child as she walked through the room, looking at all the instruments, and Quinn just stood by the door watching Rachel in utter adoration.

This was one of the pros of being inpatient in a private hospital: they had little luxuries that they wouldn't have anywhere else. The music room was so complete and had so many instruments that one could easily start a professional band in there.

Rachel walked around the room, as if she analyzed each one of them. Meanwhile, Quinn walked to the piano on the corner, sitting down and lowly starting to play one of the tunes she learned as child. It sounded almost like a lullaby and for once she was glad her teacher had been so rigid in making her learn the tune by heart because now she able to play without even looking down, allowing her eyes to stay on Rachel the whole time. Rachel stopped by the keyboard Quinn had once taken to their room and smiled as she ran her fingers through the keys. She looked up for Quinn, and Quinn knew Rachel had been having the same flashbacks as she did about that particular instruments. Quinn would always be amazed by how far they had come since then. It was unbelievable how her life had changed so much, so quickly.

"So, what else can you play?" Rachel asked, leaning against the piano as Quinn's slender fingers danced through the keys and the sweet melody filled the air.

"Anything" Quinn answered with a humble shrug. "My parents enjoyed showing off my skills, so I always had private lessons. Way more than I wanted to, actually."

Quinn was surprised by how easily she shared that piece of information, and for the first time she didn't feel resentful of her parents for doing so. She still didn't like what she had went through, and probably never would, but she had come to point where she realized that blaming them for each and every mistake would take her nowhere. Besides, Rachel seemed to genuinely enjoy those skills and Quinn would do everything again just to get to the point of seeing Rachel's smile as she played.

"You're really good at it. Maybe you could give me some lessons!" Rachel exclaimed excitedly, staring at Quinn with puppy eyes.

"I would love too." Quinn said in a small chuckle, as she stopped playing and scooted over to the tip of the stool and patted the empty space, so that Rachel would sit there by her side. Rachel gave a little jump in excitement and sat on the designated space, and Quinn gave her a kiss on the cheek because the smile on that face was just too irresistible. "Here, give me your hand" Quinn said, as she positioned Rachel's fingers on the keys. She put her fingers on top of Rachel's and played the keys in the order to make the short sequence of the tune appear. Rachel looked up at her with a grin and squealed as her fingers made music. "Alright, now you go!"

Rachel scrunched up her nose for a few seconds before replaying the sequence, much slower but still recognizable. When she was done, she looked at Quinn with widened eyes and the broadest smile and Quinn felt her heart skipping a beat.

"You're a natural! You will learn this fast, I can tell!" Said Quinn. She clapped her hands and congratulated Rachel, giving her a peck on the lips.

Rachel's eyes widened further in excitement. They spent the whole afternoon going through all the instruments, and Quinn couldn't describe how peaceful she felt just sitting and watching Rachel bring music to their ears. Rachel really had a good musical sense, and caught everything Quinn taught her really fast. She was good at it, and Quinn was just too proud.

Quinn rested her head on Rachel's shoulder, leaning to the side and closing her eyes to enjoy the melody. But a few seconds later, she was surprised with Rachel's lulling voice. She opened her eyes quickly and lifted her head, to watch as Rachel sang so sweetly. If Quinn thought she couldn't fall further, now she had definitely crashed down on the ground. Her mouth fell open and there it stood, until Rachel was done with the song.

"Oh my God! Why didn't I know you could sing?" Rachel shrugged lightly and lowered her head shyly, but still left a smile take over her face. "Rachel, you're amazing! And that might be my new favorite song!" Quinn said, getting closer to Rachel's side and sweeping the girl's hair to behind her ear so she could see her. "Do you like singing?"

"Yeah" Rachel nodded timidly, still looking down as her smile faded and she continued. "But I haven't since… you know. Since everything."

Quinn nodded. She still didn't know what everything was, and she wondered everyday what Rachel's story was. But she, more than anyone, knew how bad it was to be pressured to talk. She would wait forever if she needed, but she knew it wouldn't be too long until Rachel trusted her enough to let her in.

"Well, I'm happy I got to see it! You should do it more. I would love to hear it!"

"I guess I could start practicing again… We could make a great pair! I could sing and you would play!"

"I bet we would be the breakout stars of next year!" Quinn laughed lowly and nodded in agreement, kissing Rachel on the cheek.

Distracted in their own little world, Rachel didn't even realize as the hospital's staff got inside the room and started organizing chairs for the movie session. Quinn brought it to her attention, giving a light nudge on her shoulder and pointing with her head as she whispered.

"Do you think you wanna stay for the movie?" Quinn could feel the girl tensing up instantly, and was prepared to reassure her with a firm grip on her hand.

"I don't know… Do you know what movie they're playing?"

"13 Going on 30" Quinn had made sure to check previously what movie it was. If it were a scary movie or anything she thought could trigger Rachel, she wouldn't even have suggested it.

"Oh! I love that movie!" Rachel said in high-pitched voice, and Quinn knew they were staying for the movie just by how Rachel's eyes went bright.

"Really?" She asked with a giggle. "I've never watched it!"

"Oh my God, are you serious? It's great! I guess we're gonna have to stay, then. You can't miss this opportunity right?"

Quinn laughed at how Rachel tried to convince herself that they had to stay, but nodded nonetheless. They waited in the corner of the room, sitting by the piano as all the other patients came in and took a seat. When the movie was already starting, Quinn pulled Rachel's hand and took her to a seat on the last row, where she knew people wouldn't be looking at Rachel so the girl wouldn't get nervous.

For Quinn, there would never be a movie as interesting as watching Rachel's reactions to every scene. Quinn smiled when she saw laughter erupting from Rachel's mouth, and bluntly stared to the girl's concentrated glaze. However, she still managed to get some glimpses of the movie, so that she could talk about it with Rachel and not make it too obvious that she had another focus during the movie session.

When the movie started to get to a sad part, Quinn tensed up. She was worried about how Rachel would react, but the girl seemed to handle it well. Rachel grabbed Quinn's arms tightly, and Quinn wrapped her arm around the girl, caressing her back kindly. Rachel leaned her head on Quinn's shoulders and when Quinn felt a wet spot on her shoulder she looked over to find Rachel tearing up.

"Hey… It's just a movie, okay?" Quinn whispered, rubbing Rachel's cheek lovingly and dropping a kiss on the top of her head. If they didn't have so many people around, she would have gave Rachel a proper kiss, which she was sure would be more effective. But she worked with what she could.

"I know" Rachel chuckled, wiping her tear away. "I'm fine, I just got a little emotional" Quinn smiled in relief and tightened up the embrace, leaning her head over Rachel's where it stayed until the end of the movie.

Quinn was quick in getting them out of there before everyone got up, and soon enough they were already in their room laying down for bedtime.

"How did you like the movie?" Rachel asked excitedly as she pulled the covers over them.

"Mhm, I don't know. I think it's just too cheesy for me." Quinn scrunched up her nose.

"Oh, come on, Quinn!" Rachel teased, poking Quinn on the ribs playfully. "Wouldn't you want a love like theirs?"

Quinn stopped to think for a minute, chewing on her lip. But it didn't take her too long to realize she wouldn't trade what she already had.

"Nah, I think I'm good right here!" Quinn smiled, snuggling up against Rachel's and taking the girl's lips in a soft kiss. Rachel smiled broadly after they pulled away, and Quinn laid on her head on the girl's chest.

"What would you have asked, if you had a wish, when you were 13?" Rachel asked as she ran her fingers through Quinn's hair.

"Mhm, I don't know…" Quinn sighed, thinking. "I had it pretty good at 13. I would probably have asked for something completely frivolous."

"I guess you're right." Rachel answered, pondering about the subject. "When you're 13 you think you have the biggest problems… but looking back now, everything was just so easy." Quinn agreed in a hum, and Rachel went further. "What would ask for if you had one wish today?"

Quinn couldn't decide. She just wanted too many things. She wanted to in a good place with her parents again. She wanted to leave the hospital. She wanted her old life back. But at the same time she also wanted to stay there with Rachel, without needing to worry about anything else. But most of all, she had realized wishing is in vain.

"I don't think I would ask for anything. I don't believe wishes come true. Things just happen when they're supposed to happen. Besides, you taught me that everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't change my past if it meant not getting to meet you." Quinn said, feeling her face getting warm as she realized she sounded way to corny for her standards.

"Well, I do. I believe wishes come true." Rachel said with a sheepishly smile. "You're all I ever wished for" Rachel said it with such certain that for a second Quinn almost believed it. But then she remembered there was still a lot about her that Rachel didn't know. Quinn just didn't believe someone as perfect as Rachel could end up falling in love for someone as flawed as she was. And she feared for the day Rachel would realize she could have much better. Quinn shivered.

"Goodnight, Quinn. I love you." Rachel murmured, as she drifted off to sleep.

The sleeping pills were pilling up on Quinn's drawer, and she felt relieve in knowing that she was now able to fall asleep without them. Granted, she never slept as well as she did when she took them. But she was already able to fall asleep on her own again, and she called it progress.

However, on that night Quinn had a dream – or nightmare, she wasn't sure – that kept her awake for the rest of the night. She relived in a dream the day of her labor. It was so vivid that she woke up a little lost, and she could swear her back was hurting because of the contractions. But the weirdest part of the dream was that when the baby came out, instead of crying, she yelled Quinn's name. Over and over and over.

Quinn had been awoken for hours, but the sound was still echoing in her ears. It made her uneasy. The child sounded scared and Quinn wondered if that could be a sign. After all, people always said mothers had a sixth sense, don't they? Quinn worried if her daughter was well, and the fact that she would never know made her anxiety climb to the roof. Maybe her baby needed her.

Or maybe she needed her baby.


	23. And makes you believe: Chapter 22

Chapter 22 - And makes you believe it's all true

Quinn was standing by the doorframe, waiting for Rachel to return from therapy. Rachel didn't need to be walked anymore, but Quinn thought it was courteous to always be there when Rachel came back. Rachel seemed to like it too, and Quinn could always see the other girl's smile showing up as soon she saw her. Nothing would pay the feeling of knowing she was the one to make Rachel's face light up.

"Hey, gorgeous" Quinn said in a smile, and Rachel leaned to take her lips in a welcome kiss, but before their lips could meet Quinn broke out in a laughter.

Rachel's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, and it took Quinn a few seconds before she could stop laughing and actually say something.

"I'm sorry!" Quinn said, giving Rachel a peck on the lips before continuing. "I just had never realized you had to be on the tip of your toes to kiss me. That might be the most adorable thing I've ever seen!"

Quinn took Rachel in her arms, lifting the girl from the ground and spinning her around. Rachel blushed shyly and wrapped her arms around Quinn's neck, dropping a kiss there.

"Don't mock me, I like being short. It's easy to fit into places." Rachel said with a shy shrug, and Quinn just nodded in agreement.

"I'm not mocking you, I like that you're small. You're easy to carry!" Quinn lifted Rachel again, and sat the girl down on the bed, standing in front of her and giving yet another kiss.

Quinn could feel Rachel smiling through the kiss, and she could swear Rachel would be able to hear her heartbeats because they were just _too_ loud. She felt that with each kiss her heart melted a little bit more for Rachel, and she feared that one day she would become just a small puddle of Quinn.

"What do you wanna do today?" Quinn asked, trying to take her mind away from the direction it was going.

"I don't know… I wanted to play something, but not the games we have here…"

"What do you mean?" Quinn frowned.

"I'm tired of monopoly and scrabble and such. I mean, those are kids' games. I wanted a game that was more exciting and adventurous or something. But not too adventurous cause I would rather not leave the room today."

"That's _very_ specific. How do you expect me to find that within our room?"

"I don't know. You're magical! You always do your thing and make things happen." Rachel shrugged with a smile, and Quinn smiled further knowing that Rachel realized her efforts.

"Okay… Let me think" Quinn said, climbing in bed next to Rachel. She closed her eyes and chewed her lips, searching through her mind and trying to find a game.

The problem was that she was sure Rachel didn't mean the kind of "grown-up" games she was thinking about. And she also wasn't sure what Rachel meant by adventurous. All the grown up games she could think about involved either sex or drinks, and she didn't even had the courage to suggest any of those. Besides, it's not like they could get drinks there.

However… When she stopped to think, there was this one drinking game that didn't sound too bad. Never Have I Ever. It would be the perfect game for them to learn more about each other, and they could just skip the questions they weren't comfortable enough to answer. Quinn considered herself a genius for thinking about the game, and mentally high-fived herself before suggesting it.

"What if we play Never Have I Ever?"

Rachel frowned in confusion. "Do you have alcohol in here?"

"No, no" Quinn shook her head, explaining herself further. "We could do it without the drinks. We could just drink water instead. The point of the game would not be getting drunk, but just having fun and sharing stories and learning more about one another. What do you think?"

"Mhm…" Rachel pondered. "That would sound much more adventurous if we really drank. I would like to know how it feels to be drunk. But I guess it's okay with water, too."

"Alright!" Quinn replied excitedly. "Will you start?" She said as she grabbed their bottles of water, and handed one for Rachel. "You say "Never Have I Ever" done something, and who's done it takes a chug, alright?"

Rachel nodded and licked her lower lip thinking of a question.

"Never have I ever skipped school!"

"Rachel that's not adventurous at all. You suck at this game!" Quinn mocked playfully, but took a chug anyway and stopped with a frown when Rachel didn't. "Rach, you drink if you have ever skipped school."

"Yeah, I know. I never did!"

Quinn's words failed to get out of her mouth as she frowned even further.

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah! I wanted a perfect record. I got a lot of awards for that."

"You were lame!" Quinn said in a chuckle.

"Yes, I'm aware, I got called that a lot."

Quinn could feel that Rachel was getting upset about it, and leaned in to kiss the tip of the girl's nose.

"I find your lameness the cutest!"

"Okay, your turn" Rachel said rolling her eyes.

"Never have I ever done something I regret"

Rachel took a sip and looked at Quinn in disbelief since the girl didn't.

"Really? Nothing?"

"Not really" Quinn shrugged. "In the end I think everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't change my life to get a different outcome because I don't know how it would be."

"I guess that makes sense"

"And what do you regret?"

"Just… too many things" Rachel shook her head slowly, and Quinn realized it was too early to go much deeper than that. "Taking so long to kiss you is definitely one of them!"

Quinn smiled lovingly and poked Rachel on the ribs, letting the girl know it was her turn.

"Never have I ever done drugs"

None of them drank, and Quinn proceeded to ask the next question.

"Never have I ever had sex"

They both drank, but none of them had the courage to ask further about the subject. Quinn felt a little tug in her stomach thinking of someone touching Rachel in that way, but took a deep breath to hide any reactions because she knew she was just being irrational.

"Never have I ever been in love"

"Rach, no. Please." Quinn froze and shook her head softly. "Don't do that okay? Can you ask another? Please?"

Quinn could sense the disappointment in Rachel's sigh. She wanted to be strong enough to just take a huge chug out of that bottle, but something stopped her and she cursed herself for not being able to do so. Or to just spit out the words that were basically hanging from her mouth.

"Fine. Never have I ever cheated."

None of them drank, and Quinn breathed out alleviated.

"Never have I ever needed stitches" Quinn said and immediately took a sip. Rachel didn't, and looked at Quinn confused.

"Where did you need them?"

Quinn realized Rachel was most likely thinking she had needed stitches during childhood or because of some accident, like most people. She felt suddenly uncomfortable, and didn't know how to talk about it.

"Rach…" She gave a little shrug, tugging on the long sleeves of her shirt, and Rachel finally figured it out.

"Oh!" Quinn bit her lip shyly as realization hit Rachel, and shivered as Rachel took her hand on hers.

Rachel dropped a kiss on Quinn's palms, as if she was trying to reassure her before pulling the sleeves up Quinn's arms and exposing all the scars. Quinn blinked hard, trying to prevent her eyes from tearing up as Rachel ran the tip of her fingers through the scars. It's not like Rachel had never seen them, but she never really stopped to take a look at them and suddenly Quinn was just all too self-conscious.

"Which one was the first?" Rachel asked in a murmur.

"This one" Quinn pointed to a faint scar between the several others. "It was also the deeper. I cut over and over it every time it was about to heal. Until the day I had to get the stitches." Quinn didn't even blink, because she knew the minute her eyes closed the images of this memory would flood her mind, and she was just not ready for it. "I used the blade from a pencil sharpener. I took it apart and then put the blade at the end of an empty pen, and melted the plastic so that it would be a firm grip. When the pen cap was on, no one knew what was under."

Quinn had never told that to anyone. No one ever found out, and she was sure it was still sitting somewhere in her old room. She chewed her inner cheek trying to ignore the fact that as she talked about it she felt the urge to cut growing inside of her again.

"I feel bad" Said Rachel, causing Quinn to swallow hard, thinking maybe this game wasn't such a good idea. But then Rachel completed. "I wish I had known you before. I wish I had been there for you."

"Well, you are now" Quinn forced a smile and Rachel seemed to take it, changing the topic of the game.

"Never have I ever tried to burp the alphabet" Rachel drank and Quinn burst out in the most delicious laughter, and mentally thanked Rachel for being so good at changing subjects and lightening up the mood again.

"I will only believe it when I see it!"

"Emphasis on _tried_ , Quinn. I never managed to actually accomplish that."

"Well, please, never stop trying! I cannot wait to see it!" Quinn said playfully, before stopping to think of her own question. "Never have I ever got all As in a report card!"

Rachel drank, with a small shrug and Quinn smiled leaning for a kiss.

"So proud of you, babe"

Rachel noticed the use of the loving nickname, and Quinn blushed lightly. It fell out of her mouth too naturally, before she could make anything to stop. Maybe it had just always belonged there.

"Never have I ever watched porn" Rachel asked.

Rachel didn't drink, but Quinn did. And although she didn't have to, she felt the need to talk further about it. She was so comfortable opening up that for a second she wondered if someone hadn't spiked their water bottles.

"I never enjoyed it though. I didn't really feel anything." And there, in a spur of courage, Quinn decided to let out what had been constantly in her mind for the last few days. "Never have I ever been pregnant."

Quinn didn't blink, to make sure she could see all of Rachel's reactions as she took the sip. She watched as Rachel's face whitened in surprise and went to a confused frown, but before the girl could ask anything else, Quinn started telling the particular story.

"I had a horrible day, and the guy I was going out with offered me some wine coolers. I accepted, because I wanted to forget what I had on my mind. It's funny because looking back now I can't even remember what is was, so how could it be so important?" Quinn chuckled ironically to herself, before continuing. "I got drunk, for the first time. And we had sex, for the first time. A month later I woke up throwing up out of nowhere and I just knew it."

Rachel bit her lip, and Quinn figured she was trying to formulate her questions without upsetting Quinn.

"What happened?" Rachel went for short and direct, and Quinn was glad she did so.

"My parents disowned me and kicked me out of their house, and I went to live with my baby daddy. When she was born, I gave her up for adoption."

"She? Is it a girl?" Quinn giggled upon Rachel's question. From anything she could ask, she chose the almost irrelevant question and Quinn just swooned a little further because of it.

"Yeah… I called it Beth. I'm not sure if they kept the name though."

"That's a beautiful name, Quinn." Rachel whispered with the biggest smile. Quinn couldn't imagine how lightly Rachel was taking everything, as if it wasn't a big deal at all. But deep down she was relieved Rachel wouldn't change her attitudes because of it.

"I've been wanting to tell you that for a while now, but I was afraid of how you would react. I've been dreaming a lot about her, lately. And I'm not sure what that means. I'm a little worried."

"Quinn, you could have told me from the start and it would be the same. I always knew you had a past, and I was ready to embrace it from the beginning. I'll take whatever comes with you, I don't mind." Quinn felt butterflies going crazy in her stomach, and fluttered her eyes trying to contain her urge to jump on top of Rachel and kiss her all over. "Don't you get to see her?"

"I could. We agreed on an open adoption, so technically I can. But I don't know if I should."

"Why?" Rachel looked like she sincerely didn't understand. It always amazed her how Rachel couldn't see all the bad things everyone saw on Quinn.

"I don't know" Quinn shrugged. "I gave her up because I thought she would be better off me. Why would that have changed now? I just got worse, if anything. I don't feel like I have anything to offer her that would make the encounter worth it. She doesn't need me."

"Quinn, believe me" Rachel murmured, getting up to sit down closer to Quinn and gripping the girl's hand. "There's a lot you could offer! You could show her how strong you are and how you never stopped fighting through everything life threw at you and just so many other things! You are not the bad human being you think you are, and I know she will see it like I do."

Quinn just nodded. She had no idea where Rachel saw everything she said because if there's something she didn't feel at all was strong. She saw herself as the weakest anyone could be, and marks on her wrists were only a proof of that. But she didn't want to argue with Rachel on the matter, because more than anything she didn't want Rachel to notice the horrible side she had inside of her.

"Your turn" She tried to change the subject, and Rachel realized.

"Never have I ever been banned from club penguin because I asked people what did bow-chicka-wow-wow meant."

"Are you serious?" Quinn snorted into a loud laugh as Rachel took a sip.

"I was a very curious child who had not mastered the ways of Google and wasn't comfortable asking those questions to her parents"

"Oh my God! Did you find out eventually?" Quinn asked dubious with a small giggle.

"Yes, I did. Thank you for you concern, Quinn!" Rachel rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Did your parents had the talk with you?"

"Yes" Rachel answered blushing. "It was a horrible couple of hours in my life that I am never getting back and just wish I could forget. They made a power point presentation and everything."

Quinn laughed even harder. She had never got the talk, and for a time in her life she wondered that maybe if she did, she wouldn't have ended up pregnant. Everything she knew – which wasn't much – she had learned either by the Internet or sex-ed classes. But by seeing the reaction of all her friends as they talked about the experience, she was glad she didn't have to go through it.

"Never have I ever been locked outside naked" Quinn said, taking a sip and watching Rachel's eyes widening.

"How did you manage that?"

"I came back from school and was home alone, and it was absurdly hot so I decided to go skinny dipping. But then I forgot the door wouldn't open from the outside without the keys. I had to wait until my mother came home from work. She nearly killed me."

"You are crazy! Did anyone see you?" Quinn raised her eyebrow as she thought she could hear a bit of jealousy in Rachel's voice.

"No, it was a backyard pool. But it was embarrassing any way."

"Never have I ever eaten something so much that now I hate it." They both drank.

"I thought this would have happened to you by now. The amount of cookies you eat gets a little unbelievable."

"Oh, God! Those are different. I will never get tired of them. By the way, is it dinner time already?"

"No. It will be in a few though. However, we should stop playing, because I feel my stomach might explode at any minute from so much water." Quinn stated, leaning to lay her head on Rachel's lap and closing her eyes for a quick nap before they went out to dinner.

* * *

As Quinn laid in bed and waited for Rachel to come out of the bathroom, she stopped to think that the game hadn't turned the way she planned at all. She didn't know anything new and relevant about Rachel. Maybe Rachel really wasn't ready to share, and Quinn just had to be a little more patient.

Instead, Quinn had shared things she had never told anyone else. Things that she wanted to tell Rachel for a long time, but never had the courage or know how to come up with the subject. And the game was just the perfect way to bring them up. She felt the weight she carried daily on her shoulders becoming a little lighter knowing that even though she let Rachel know about dark moments of her past, the other girl didn't seem to feel any different about Quinn.

"Quinn?" Rachel asked, when she was already about to fall asleep.

"Mhm?"

"I've been thinking… I think you don't understand it because you've just always known your parents and you didn't have the best relationship with them. But you know, I didn't get to meet my mother until I was almost a teen. My dads always gave me everything, but for not knowing her I kept fantasizing about her. I would imagine her as being someone amazing and magic, like a princess or a fairy or something. When I got a little bit older and actually met her, it was awful, but not because she didn't meet my expectations. I realized it didn't matter. What made it horrible was seeing how she didn't care at all about me. She had basically forgotten about me, until I reached out to her. And you see, that's why I think you should see your daughter. Because I know that for her it won't matter if you are not perfect. The one thing she could ask for, you have plenty to give. You love her, and you're worried about her, and you miss her. And that's all that matters."

"How can you be so wise?" Quinn asked as she felt her eyes tearing up. Rachel made everything seem so simple. So easy. And how could she not believe, when Rachel was the only person she trusted in the world?

Quinn decided that on the next morning she would grab the number of her daughter's adoptive mother and would, for once and for all, ring the call that would bring a little more peace to her so troubled heart.


	24. I love you till the sun dies: Chapter 23

Chapter 23 - I love you till the sun dies

It had been a few weeks since Quinn asked the hospital to contact the adoptive mother of her daughter, and she still hadn't received any kind of response. Her mind wouldn't stop thinking about it, and it was triggering so much anxiety that she considered asking for the doctors to increase her medication. Perhaps the woman had just ignored her calls, like her parents did on Christmas.

But after thinking for a long while, she figured maybe it was for the best. Maybe it was just too early, and she should wait for Beth to be old enough to understand everything. Maybe Rachel was wrong, and she needed to be better before she could meet her baby again. Maybe her daughter's mother had being startled by receiving a call from a mental hospital and decided it was better to keep her child away from the all that mess.

Rachel had realized Quinn wasn't on her best moods, and was trying hard to give little moments of happiness to Quinn during the day. In that night, Quinn came inside the bathroom to find a fogged mirror with a message from Rachel. She read "I love you" and "R 3 Q" all over the surface, and smiled instantly.

Quinn came out of the bathroom to thank Rachel, who was lying on bed reading one of Quinn's books. Quinn jumped on top of her, knocking the book to the floor and making Rachel leave a small squeal of surprise. Quinn tucked Rachel's long bangs behind the girl's ear, to see her eyes better, and gave a small kiss to the so soft lips.

"Thank you" Quinn smiled between kisses. "I have no idea what I would do without you"

"I'm pretty fond of you too" Rachel said in a giggle as Quinn laid her head on the girl's chest, and Rachel started running her fingers through the locks. "I love you, Quinn. Really. More than I could ever say. And I just want to see you well. I'm sorry I said you should reach out to her. If I hadn't said you wouldn't be so upset right now."

"No! I think I would have reached out any way, eventually. You just gave me the courage to stop hesitating." Quinn answered, surprised by how Rachel knew even without asking that this was why Quinn was so nervous lately.

"If you say so…" Rachel said, kissing the top of Quinn's head. "I'm still sorry, though. But for her. She's the one that loses by not getting to meet you. Because she doesn't know what she's missing."

Quinn's smiled further as Rachel wrapped her arms around her waist.

"She will be fine, I know it. I was just curious, I guess. I mean, it's a little unsettling to think that I literally made her, and I carried her for so long, and I heard her first cry… But that if I saw her now, walking on the streets, I wouldn't be able to recognize her at all. I don't know her favorite color, or what her voice sounds like. It's just… weird."

"Well, I don't know about her father. But if she's anything like you, I bet you can recognize her anywhere. Because she will be the most beautiful little girl, wherever she is."

Quinn giggled and tightened the embrace. She could always count on Rachel for listening to her, and responding with just the right things.

For a second, Quinn imagined what it would be like to be normal.

She imagined her and Rachel outside the hospital, married and happy. Beth was theirs. Imagining the simplest things was enough to make her spine shiver and her eyes tear up. She could see them walking hand in hand to take Beth to school, or reading a story to the little girl before tucking her to bed. Quinn thought how much of a great mom Rachel would be, being so calm and gentle.

But that would never happen.

"You know how I said I don't regret anything?" Quinn asked without looking up, and Rachel nodded. "I think I might regret giving her up. Part of me knows I wouldn't be able to provide for her and give her everything she needed and deserved. But the other part keeps thinking maybe we could have worked it out, and that maybe I wouldn't even be here if I had her. She could be the thing I would fight for, you know?"

"Mhm, maybe" Rachel answered, biting her lip. "But you don't have to have her in your care for that. You can fight to get better so that you can come out and get closer to her."

That night, Quinn dreamed of Beth again. She dreamed of her, Rachel and Beth being a family.

And she only wished her dream could come true.

* * *

Quinn was braiding her hair in front of the mirror, waiting for the clock to turn eleven so that she could go grab Rachel from her therapy and take the girl for lunch. Suddenly she heard the door being slammed open, and as she turned back she saw a completely out-of-breath and pale Rachel.

"Rach, what's wrong?" Her heart sank in anticipation, watching as Rachel tried to breath before answering.

"I think- I think you have visitors" Rachel let out between shaky breaths, with the widest smile in her face.

Quinn sat on the chair behind her, for the fear she would end up falling on the ground as her legs went weak and her eyes widened in surprise.

"What do you mean? How do you know that?"

"My therapy was over earlier than usual, so I decided to come back by myself because I didn't want to wait there alone." Rachel explained, sitting on Quinn's lap and grabbing her hand. "Then, as I passed by the reception a nurse called me to tell me that my dads have scheduled a visit. And as I was almost leaving I heard a woman asking if Quinn Fabray was an inpatient. And that's you!"

Quinn didn't want to let hope take over herself, but she knew her mother wouldn't need to ask such questions and that no else knew she was in a hospital – so there was only one place her mind could travel to.

"Did you get to see her? What did she look like?"

"No, I didn't see her. She was on the waiting room. But I heard the nurse answering her about visit hours starting after lunch." Rachel bounced excitedly, kissing Quinn's cheek. "I'm so excited for you, Quinn!"

"Calm down, Rach" Quinn bit her lip, putting a hand on Rachel's thigh to stop her. "I would rather not get my hopes up for now, alright? Or at least until we get a solid confirmation of this." Rachel nodded, visibly disappointed by Quinn's reaction. "Let's go to lunch?"

* * *

Quinn barely ate at lunch. Her stomach wouldn't stop turning on itself, and she felt like she would get sick if she did. She kept fidgeting with her food as she watched Rachel eat, anxious for it to be over so she could find out for once and all if she really had any visitors.

"Should we stop by the reception on our way back? You know, to ask" Rachel asked.

"Mhm, no." Quinn answered, shaking her head slowly. "If there's really someone there for me, they will go to our room and tell me. Right?"

Rachel nodded in agreement and took Quinn's hand, with a reassuring grip as they started to walk out of the cafeteria. Quinn couldn't remember when was it that she stopped being the one who reassured to become someone who needed reassurance.

They laid together in bed, and as the time passed Quinn just grew more and more anxious. She could see Rachel was guilty for have given her said news, but deep down she only prayed Rachel was right once more.

Quinn was about to give up, closing her eyes to fall asleep as Rachel ran her nails up and down Quinn's arms. She had almost drifted off when she heard the nurse coming in to the room.

"Mrs. Fabray. You have someone looking for you. Do you know any Shelby Corcoran?"

Rachel looked at Quinn excitedly and waiting for any kind of reaction, but Quinn stood still. She wasn't even sure if her heart was still beating, but she somehow managed to formulate a complete sentence.

"Yes, I do. Is she here?"

"Yes. Would you like to see her?" The nurse asked, as she checked Quinn's chart to see if she was allowed that kind of privilege.

"Yes, I would" Quinn answered, swallowing dry. If she thought her anxiety couldn't increase, she was now sure wrong.

"Alright. Come down to the yard and I'll let her know you're waiting." The nurse said, already turning to leave the room.

"Wait!" Quinn exclaimed, getting the woman's attention. "Can Rachel come along?"

The nurse stopped, and took a look at Rachel and then another at Quinn.

"Yes" The woman answered in a huff, and Quinn sighed deeply in relief.

She would never have Rachel and Beth as her family, like she dreamed. However, she needed Rachel there for support, because she had no idea how she would deal with the emotion of seeing her daughter again. But most of all, her heart was bursting with excitement and she felt like she needed to share that so rare moment of happiness with Rachel. With the only person who really cared enough to want to see her happy.

* * *

Quinn sat on the bench right in front of the fountain. The same fountain that saw her first kiss with Rachel. She thought it would bring her luck, again.

She held Rachel's hand tightly and chewed her inner cheek. She wasn't sure if the woman had brought her daughter. She would understand if she hadn't – hospitals are not a place for children. But she could still talk to Shelby and ask about Beth. If she was luck enough, she could even get to see some pictures. Quinn was so lost in her thoughts that if it weren't for Rachel nudging her ribs, she wouldn't have noticed the woman coming out of the reception door to the yard.

"Oh my God" Quinn whispered, feeling her vision getting blurry as she saw the tall brunette woman holding hands with a tiny little blonde girl. She looked at Rachel with her mouth half opened, and caught her breath nervously as Rachel squealed excitedly for her.

Quinn got up as the pair approached them, and stood there nervously, not really knowing how to act. She didn't want to make everything awkward, but she was sure there was no book on how to behave on this kind of encounter.

"Hello, Quinn" The tall woman said, opening her arms to take Quinn in a hug, to which Quinn obliged more than happily.

"Hey, how is it going?" Quinn asked, trying not to show how nervous she was.

"I'm good" Shelby answered and sat on the bench across Quinn's. "I got a call in your behave, and I didn't know what had happened so I called your parents and they told me everything. I honestly had no idea. I'm sorry, Quinn."

Quinn had no idea what "everything" was – coming from her parents she could imagine the most absurd stories they would come up with. She also didn't understand what Shelby was sorry about, but none of those matters where at Quinn's mind at the time. She was much more concerned with the little girl in golden locks who sat by Shelby's side.

"Don't worry, I'm good" Quinn answered, but she couldn't take her eyes off Beth. She wanted to make sure to memorize every single detail of her daughter, because she wasn't sure if they were going to meet again anytime soon.

"I'm glad" Shelby nodded with a smile. "Because someone here couldn't wait to meet her mama."

Quinn could swear this was how she was going to die. She could never imagine Shelby would talk to Beth about her like that. The thought of having Beth still think of her as mother hadn't crossed Quinn's mind. Quinn hadn't even been sure if the girl was aware she was adopted. She exchanged a look with Rachel and grinned, and Rachel smiled back proudly at her.

Quinn watched as Beth tugged on Shelby's blouse, getting the woman to look at her before leaning to whisper something in her adoptive mother's ear. Shelby smiled, looking at Quinn before saying.

"She is asking if she can sit by your side"

"Yes! Of course! Come here, sweetie!" Said Quinn, patting the space between her and Rachel on the bench.

The little girl looked at her mother, who nodded in permission, and climbed on to the bench. Quinn saw the girl struggling because of the bench's height and took Beth's hand to help her up.

"Thank you, mama" Beth said softly, looking up to Quinn with a big smile. Quinn's heart melted, and she smiled back with a nod.

Quinn had no experience at all dealing with children. She had been an only daughter, and didn't get any younger relatives. The last time she interacted with a child was when she was still one. So she had no idea what to do when she felt small pale arms hugging her own arms. She figured Shelby realized it, because she was the one to start the conversation again and kill the dreadful silence between all of them.

"And who's that?" Shelby asked with a gentle smile, pointing her head towards Rachel.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Quinn exclaimed, realizing that between everything she didn't introduce them. "This is Rachel, my roommate. Rach, this is Shelby, Beth's mother." Quinn tried to say it naturally, avoiding the block on her throat when referring to Shelby as that. She was so overwhelmed with all that was happening, that she almost missed the small frown that crossed Rachel's face when she was introduced as mere roommate. Quinn would need to fix that later.

"And I'm Beth!" The tiny blonde exclaimed happily, turning her head to Rachel. "I have two mommys!"

"Really?" Rachel said, with a surprised face, getting in to the conversation. "That's nice! I have two daddies! "

Beth's eyes went wide and her mouth opened in a big O, making Quinn and Shelby laugh at her exaggerated reaction.

"I have zero daddies! Would you lend me one?" Beth asked with hopeful eyes.

Quinn frowned looking up to Shelby, who shrugged and shook her head with a sad smile. Quinn wanted to ask more about what had happened, but she didn't feel comfortable doing so in front of Beth.

"Of course! They're gonna love you!" Rachel answered.

"I like her!" Beth said, pointing to Rachel and looking to Shelby and Quinn. "She's nice. And she's very pretty!"

Quinn's smile grew prouder. Rachel was indeed beautiful. She was glad Beth shared the same taste as her.

"Why don't we go over there take a look at the fountain?" Rachel asked Beth, extending her hand to Beth and looking over to see if Shelby would agree. Quinn couldn't believe how sensitive Rachel was, amazed by how the girl just knew Quinn wanted to talk to Shelby without Beth hearing everything.

"But what about my mama?" Beth asked with a pout, hugging Quinn's arms tighter. Quinn bit her lip hard.

"We'll be back in a minute, you still have a lot of time with her! Come on! We can make a wish!" Beth was sold, and grinned at Quinn once more before jumping off of the bench.

"I'll be right back, mommies!"

"Be careful, baby!" Shelby exclaimed as the little girl walked hand in hand with Rachel.

"So… Tell me everything" Quinn didn't even know exactly what she wanted to know. She hoped Shelby would tell her the highlights of the girl's short life. Shelby however, assumed Quinn was asking about Beth's father, and started explaining herself.

"He was too overwhelmed when we brought her home. He realized out of nowhere that an adoptive baby was not what he wanted, and since I couldn't get pregnant he left us just a few weeks after Beth arrived. I didn't care, though. Our relationship hadn't been good for a while, and I was just too happy for having her." Shelby's voice didn't even faltered, and Quinn wished she were as strong as Shelby.

"What about Puck?" Quinn asked timidly. "Didn't he reach out?"

"Not even once. I have no idea what he's up to. The day I took her home was the last time I saw him. But it's fine Quinn. You saw her. She doesn't care." Quinn nodded. She was impressive by how smart the girl was, for being just a little over two years old. "She asked me one day who her father was, and I told her she didn't have one. The same day I told her she had another mommy, who lived far away and who helped me bring her to life. But I guess she just didn't really understand it, until I told her you wanted to meet her. Then she became obsessed, and wouldn't talk about anything else. She made sure to let everyone know she was going to meet her mama who carried her."

Quinn felt her eyes tearing up. At that moment, she felt like all the decisions she had taken up to that point were a mistake. She shouldn't have waited so long. The outgoing, smart and lovely angel wanted nothing else but to get to know Quinn. Even from the fountain, she kept looking back to make sure Quinn was still there. Quinn couldn't think of ever being deserving of all that love, and yet there she was.

"She's just perfect. You're doing a great job with her. Thank you so much, Shelby. For everything." Quinn said, taking Shelby's hand almost in devotion.

"You don't have to thank me, Quinn. I should be the one thanking you. For making such an adorable little girl, and for giving me the chance of seeing my dreams come true with her."

By that time, they both had tears in their eyes. Quinn thought of how she couldn't have picked a better mother for her daughter. She felt so much lighter, knowing there was at least something she hadn't messed up in her life.

"Why are you crying?!" Beth asked nervously with a worried frown, looking to her mothers. She climbed and sat down on Quinn's lap, and it took a second for Quinn to get comfortable with it and wrap her arm around the little girl's waist.

"We're not, baby. We're good, alright?" Shelby said reassuringly, winking at the little girl who tried to wink back but ended up just blinking a couple times, making Quinn giggle.

"Tell me about you, B. What are your favorite things?"

Quinn spent the rest of the evening learning more about Beth. She learned that Beth's first word was "no" – a rebel at heart, just like Quinn. She learned Beth's favorite color was yellow, and her favorite animal was a lion. None of that sounded important, but for Quinn it meant the world.

When a nurse came to announce that visitor's hour was about to be over, Beth clutched to Quinn's neck and made the biggest pout, asking to stay. Quinn heart broke once more, but when she heard Shelby promising they would come back more frequently Quinn just felt like tackling her in a big hug of gratitude.

"I love you mama" Beth whispered, after one bear hug of goodbye. Quinn swallowed hard, but she knew she didn't have time to think.

"I love you too, baby girl" Quinn murmured back as her eyes flooded with tears, and gave the little girl a kiss on the forehead. "I will see you soon, alright?"

* * *

Quinn was just sure she wouldn't be able to sleep that night. Her mind was spinning around and in every direction, and she just couldn't stop thinking of how perfectly everything had turned out. Mostly, she couldn't stop thinking of how nothing of that would have happened if it weren't for Rachel. She wrapped the girl extra tightly that night, as they chatted before sleeping, like every other night.

"She's an angel. I can't believe I made her. I can't believe I get to see her again." Quinn just kept shaking her head, with the biggest smile on her face. "I'm so glad you talked me into calling them. You're the best, Rachel. You gave me the best afternoon of my life. I will never be able to thank you enough."

"Do you wanna know what she told me while we were looking at the fountain?" Rachel asked with the softest smile, while playing with Quinn's hand. Quinn nodded, and she went on. "She asked me if I thought she looked like you. If she was going to look pretty like you when she grew up. I told her yes, and then told her to make a wish to the fountain. And then she said she wished she and her mother could stay in here with you."

Quinn swoon, bringing Rachel closer unconsciously and sighing.

"I have no idea what I did to deserve this. She's just so perfect." Quinn smiled, closing her eyes. "But you know, my favorite part was looking over my shoulder and seeing you two holding hands and laughing while playing by the fountain. It all fit so perfectly. My two favorite people getting along." Quinn paused briefly, taking a deep breath and gathering the last push of courage she needed. "The two loves of my life."

Rachel opened her eyes wide in startle, and turned to face Quinn with the broadest smile. "Really?" Rachel's voice faltered by the end of the word, and Quinn smiled further, nodding.

"I love you, Rach"

"I love you too!" Rachel said between squeals, hugging Quinn tighter and dropping kisses all over her face. "I'm so happy you finally said it, Quinn! I love you so, so much!"

"I'm happy too" Quinn said in a whisper of relief. She couldn't believe those words were coming out of her mouth and she actually meant them. "I wanted to tell you that since so long ago… And then today, when Beth said she loved me and I said it back, I realized there was nothing to be afraid of. Loving makes me vulnerable, and it makes me an easy target and it's just all too easy to get hurt. But the love I feel for you is what keeps me going everyday, and I just couldn't keep that from you any longer. Your love makes me the happiest I can be. And I'll be forever grateful for meeting you here."

Quinn opened her eyes when she was done speaking and found Rachel's eyes looking right at her while tears ran down her cheek. She wiped them away with her thumb, and dropped a kiss on the trail they left before moving to catch Rachel's lips on hers.

Quinn felt like her heart was physically swollen. And in that moment she realized her whole life she had never experienced love before.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Please, don't forget to review! Your comments are what take me through writer's blocks and I'm having a lot of them lately!


	25. In another life: Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** So sorry for taking a while to update guys! I meant to do it earlier, but my computer broke down on me and I had freaked out thinking I had lost the story but thankfully I was able to get it back!

However, I bring good news. I'll be participating on NaNoWriMo this year, and I plan on finishing this story. So from Saturday on, you can count on more frequent updates! Although you guys should never forget that your reviews are my biggest motivation.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

Chapter 24 - In another life I would make you stay

Quinn woke up to soft lips against her own. She smiled into the kiss and exhaled deeply, opening her eyes a few seconds later to find Rachel laying on top of her. She couldn't think of a better way of waking up. One hundred percent better than the yelling nurses.

"You wake me up like this everyday and I bet all my problems will be gone in a blink. I could even become a morning person, you know." Quinn whispered with a silly smile. "Happy Valentine's day, love."

"Happy Valentine's day!" Rachel said with the most excited squeal, spreading small kisses all over Quinn's face, and finishing with the sweetest one on her lips. "This is my first Valentine's with someone! I'm so happy it's with you…"

"This will also be my first, but my first with someone I actually love. Which will make it the best, without a doubt." Quinn completed, wrapping her arms around Rachel's waist to keep her right where she was. Quinn had never felt such comfortable weight over her body.

"So… What are we gonna do?" Rachel asked quirking one eyebrow up.

"I don't know... I was thinking maybe we could go shopping for presents for each other, and then we could go to the movies and head to a fancy restaurant afterwards, where we would have a delicious candlelit dinner." Quinn said, and watched as Rachel frowned in confusion. "But then I remembered we're stuck here, so… bummer." Quinn played, and got a nudge on the ribs from Rachel.

"You're no fun! You weren't like that, Quinn Fabray. You used to try harder to woo me!" Rachel crossed her arms and pouted playfully. Quinn just couldn't resist the pouted lips and immediately leaned for a peck.

"Yeah, but then I got you." Quinn said between pecks. "So now we're good, right?" Rachel shook her head in response, making her pout bigger and receiving even more kisses. "Well, I guess I've done enough! Shouldn't it be your turn now?"

"Maybe..." Rachel paused, considering it for a second. "Although, since when do you like romantic gestures?"

"I don't!" Quinn shook her head with widened eyes. "Well, it's not that I don't like them, it's just that I don't see the point. I don't need them to know that you love me. It's written all over your face. I can actually read my name written on your forehead. It's _that_ obvious."

"Oh, you're so full of yourself" Rachel laughed, shoving Quinn's shoulder and getting up to start getting ready for the morning.

"No, in all seriousness now." Quinn sat up straight in bed, crossing her legs and watching as Rachel went through her clothes. "I thought a lot about what we could do, but this place just sucks. I couldn't think of anything. But in the end I think what matters is that we get to spend it together, right?" Quinn said, getting up and following Rachel to wrap her arms around the girl from behind, placing a kiss on the nape of her neck.

"Yeah, you're right. We could just stay in all day and it would already be my best Valentine's day ever!" Rachel said with a giggle, leaning her head back to rest on Quinn's shoulder.

"They're gonna have Valentine's day crafts for us to do today. We can do that if you want. Like, really _make_ each other gifts. Although you should remember I'm not exactly crafty, so you can't wait for anything good to come from me." Quinn said with a shrug, trying not to sound too romantic – she just couldn't let her guard down.

"That would be perfect, actually" Rachel smiled, leaning for small kiss.

* * *

"Red velvet is by far my favorite cake" Rachel stated, licking the frosting from her lips.

"Your tongue is all red" Quinn said with a small chuckle.

"You're welcome to kiss the red away" Rachel said casually with a shrug, but looking down as her cheeks blushed. Quinn couldn't help a giggle, never ceasing to be amazed by how adorable and sexy Rachel could be all at the same time.

"If only we weren't in the middle of a full cafeteria…" Quinn sighed with a smile, handing Rachel a napkin and motioning to show her that she had frosting on her cheeks.

"Mhm" Rachel hummed, as she finished swallowing and wiped her face. "I was meaning to talk to you about something."

"About what?" Quinn froze momentarily, swallowing dry and bringing a frown up to her face.

"No, wait." Rachel shook her head with a chuckle when she noted Quinn's tension. "It's nothing serious. I just wanted to know if you have ever gone to the morning group session."

"Yes…" Quinn answered, still a little dubious. "Why do you ask that?"

"My therapist said perhaps it was a good idea that I started going, you know, to interact more with people and socialize and stuff. And I was considering it. I wanted to know what it was like."

"I didn't like it at all. I'm glad it's not mandatory." Quinn said with a shake of her head and a disgusted expression. "They make everyone talk about how they're doing, and like, rate their anxiety or depression. Which I find absolutely pointless because if my anxiety and depression were in a low rate I wouldn't even be here, right? Then they make you set a goal for the day, but most people just pick dumb things like "brush my hair" or "finish a book". But I don't know. That's how I felt, maybe you can like it." She ended with a shrug.

Although Quinn had tried not to discourage Rachel, she could see that the girl had quickly changed her mind. Anyone would. Quinn really couldn't see how someone thought it was a good idea to make people share their problems with people whom they didn't trust and who had more problems of their own in the first place.

They walked, hand in hand, all the way back to their room. Quinn was surprised by seeing how much decoration the staff had put up, and wondered what was their reasoning for agreeing to put those up while trying to ignore Christmas, like they had last year.

Quinn walked to the room to brush her teeth after lunch, but Rachel blocking her way surprised her as she came out of the bathroom. Before she could ask what was happening, Rachel stuck her tongue out and Quinn saw a pink tiny heart written "kiss me".

More than happy to abide, Quinn giggled before leaning in and taking Rachel's bottom lip in her mouth. She could never get tired of how Rachel tasted. Like cookies, cherries and love promises. Her tongue ran through Rachel's lips before entering her mouth and in a swift swirl she took the candy to her own tongue.

Rachel huffed and Quinn smiled into the kiss, turning them around so that Rachel's back would be against the wall. Rachel's hand traveled to Quinn's lower back, and Quinn lightly nibbled on the girl's lip. As Quinn tangled her hand on Rachel's hair, the girl snickered her tongue inside Quinn's mouth, trying to get the candy back.

Quinn felt a shiver running throughout her spine when their tongues crashed together again, and let out a small moan without realizing, as she pulled Rachel even closer to her. Rachel sucked on Quinn's lip, and Quinn felt her stomach doing a cartwheel. She didn't even realize they had finished the candy, until Rachel pulled away with a shy smile.

"We're gonna get late to crafts..."

Yes, that's exactly what Quinn was thinking about. Crafts.

* * *

"Quinn! You can't sit next to me!" Rachel exclaimed, and Quinn knitted her eyebrows looking at her confused and waiting an explanation. "You're gonna ruin your surprise gift!"

"Rach, please" Quinn said rolling her eyes and sitting next to the girl. "I promise I won't peek, alright?" Rachel looked suspiciously at her, but there's nothing she could do. No one would stop Quinn from sitting next to her girl on Valentine's girl, not even the girl herself.

Quinn looked around, at everyone doing their crafts. She wondered whom they were making stuff to. She felt bad for them. She knew, better than anyone, how awful it was to be lonely at that hospital. Quinn could spend whole days and nights thanking God for putting Rachel on her way, and still wouldn't be enough.

Although she definitely wasn't the craftiest person in the world, she knew Rachel expected some kind of gift and decided to give it a try. From all the material spread on the table, she picked red and pink construction paper and started working.

Quinn grabbed the scissors – and although they had blunt tip and were clearly made for toddlers – she felt her wrists tingling. It was almost as if they were calling the sharp metal and even though Quinn wasn't feeling sad at the moment she felt the urge to cut, just out of habit. She couldn't ruin the day for Rachel though, so she fought through it and started cutting heart patterns out of the construction paper.

Once she was done, she grabbed glittery pens and wrote her name on every red heart and Rachel's name on the pink ones. She shook her head at herself when she saw them all done. It was hard for her to believe that she had become such a dork – she would never have thought she would submit herself to such cheesy things.

Quinn grabbed a needle and a thread. Although there were a lot of instructors watching them and helping out who needed, she still couldn't get over how reckless the hospital was for leaving those at their disposal. If she wanted to, she could easily hide a needle and take it back to her room. But again, she wouldn't.

She couldn't remember exactly when was it that she started looking at everything with different eyes, but even though she was feeling better, she couldn't drop the habit of analyzing how she could use objects for her so wrong hobbies. She wondered if normal people felt the same thing when they looked at needles, rulers or even paper. Oh, how she liked the feeling of paper cuts on her fingers.

But she was done with that. Or at least was trying to.

Quinn passed the thread on the needle with an ability that only long well trained fingers could. It was another thing she had learned from her grandmother. How to sew. She passed the thread throughout the first heart and did the same with all the others, intercalating red and pink, Quinn's and Rachel's.

She had promised not to peek at Rachel's project, and she really didn't. Every time she looked to her side was to make sure Rachel was okay and feeling comfortable even surrounded by so many people. But Quinn understood why Rachel was okay with all the movement in the room. It was easy to get distracted while doing the crafts, and she found herself far, far away from reality sooner than she expected.

When she was finished, she put a bead at each end of the thread, and strained the string to take a final look. It definitely wasn't her best piece of work, but she was quite proud of it. She could see Rachel wasn't finished, so she laid her head over her arms on the table and watched quietly as the other girl worked.

She couldn't believe she had denied for so long. It was so obvious now how in love she was. It felt like every little tiny action, every little movement of Rachel – it was all perfect. She could watch Rachel working all day, and she would never get tired of it.

"Hey" Rachel said playfully, covering Quinn's eyes with her hands. "No peeking!"

"I'm not!" Quinn shook her head, taking Rachel's hand off of her eyes and holding it instead. "I'm just watching you."

Rachel smiled shyly and returned to her craft, trying to ignore Quinn's glare but blushing nonetheless. Soon enough, she was done with her project too.

"Alright! What did you make?" Rachel asked excitedly, hiding hers behind her back and trying to see Quinn's.

"I made us a heart garland. With our names and stuff. I was thinking of putting it over our bed, or something." Quinn said with a shrug. She definitely wasn't made for this. She hated being corny and felt her cheeks getting warm as the words came out of her mouth, making Rachel laugh.

"Oh, don't be shy! I love it! It's gonna be perfect!" Rachel reassured her, gripping her hand tighter with the biggest grin on her face. Quinn rolled her eyes and shrugged once more, but couldn't help the shy smile that insisted on being in her face.

"Okay, what about you?" Quinn asked, and Rachel handed her a card.

The card was shaped like a bear, and Quinn was impressed at how much attention Rachel had paid to every detail. The bear held a big red heart between his paws, and within the heart it was written, "I love you berry much". Quinn giggled but frowned in confusion.

"Rach, I think you mixed up things. Isn't it supposed to be "beary" much?"

"Of course not! It's Berry, like Rachel _Berry!"_ Rachel explained incredulous at Quinn's lack of understanding, and Quinn broke down laughing.

"Oh my goodness, this is perfect. That's the most _you_ gift that I could ever get!"

"I'm glad you liked" Rachel said proudly, and Quinn took her hand to drop a kiss there, since they still were trying to keep everything a secret between the staff.

* * *

As they came inside the room chatting, Quinn distractedly stepped on a piece of paper that seemed to have been pushed inside by under the door.

"Wait, Quinn. I think you stepped on something!" Rachel exclaimed, gently pulling Quinn by the arm and kneeling down to get the red paper on her hands.

"What's that?" Quinn asked curiously, leaning forward to see what it said.

"I don't know, it says it's for me." Rachel said, knitting her eyebrows together and turning the paper around to read a poem: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you don't like me, but I like you"

"Who's that from?" Quinn said in a whine much louder than she initially intended.

"I have no idea, I was about to ask the same thing to you!" Rachel said with a giggle. "That's the worst poem ever."

Quinn huffed and peeked her head out of the door, looking to see if there was anyone around with the biggest frown on her face. As she saw a nurse passing by, she called.

"Excuse me? Have you seen who shoved this here?" Quinn asked, clearly disturbed, but only got a chuckle and a shake of the head from the nurse. She huffed once more, before coming inside and finding a rather amused Rachel sitting by the bed. "What?" She asked.

" _I_ ask you!" Rachel said, laughing lowly. "What's all of that about?"

"What do you mean?" Quinn answered with the frown still stuck in her face, as she handed the card back unwillingly. She just wanted to rip it apart and throw it in the trash, but it was Rachel's and she knew she couldn't.

"Could you… I don't know. Is it possible that you might _perhaps_ be jealous?" Rachel quirked an eyebrow up with a smug smile.

"Oh, shut your mouth." Quinn replied rolling her eyes and sitting down on the other end of the bed.

Quinn had always been a jealous person. Even though she didn't exactly like any of her previous boyfriends, she was jealous of every single one of them. She didn't like sharing since she was a child, and she didn't ever change. However, it had never hit her so hard like it did at the time.

"You are!" Rachel squealed, poking her with her feet. "You're so cute! You don't have to be shy about it!"

"I'm not shy!" Quinn huffed, flinching away from the pokes.

"Yes, you are." Rachel mocked and Quinn rolled her eyes once more. "I guess it's not as clear as you said it was, huh? Apparently people can't read the Quinn Fabray written on my forehead that you talked about this morning."

"You're really enjoying yourself, aren't you?" Quinn asked, crossing her arms against her chest and rolling her eyes once more.

"I am!" Rachel confessed with the biggest grin. "Not only I have one person loving me on Valentine's day, I also got a mysterious card!"

"Good for you"

"Now, you don't need to be rude!" Rachel said sweetly, getting closer to Quinn and dropping a kiss on the girl's cheek. "You know I don't care about it, right? I love you, and only you!"

She dropped a few more kisses before taking Quinn's lips. Quinn sighed before giving in and kissing her back, and soon enough she was smiling again.

Although deep down she knew Rachel wouldn't ever be the one to cheat or leave her for anyone else, she still felt relief taking over when she saw the card on the trash by the end of the night.

* * *

Quinn shoved another sleeping pill inside her drawer while Rachel finished her nightly routines in the bathroom, and laid down to wait for her girl. She was happy to say that she had been without her sleeping pills for almost a month and she was already able to sleep on her own. She knew she didn't need them, and she was glad she was free. She considered telling her doctor she didn't want to take them anymore, but she feared he wouldn't agree and would start checking more carefully to be sure she took them, so she just kept hiding each one of them.

Rachel came out of the bathroom using one of Quinn's pajamas. It had become a habit of her, and Quinn didn't mind at all. She knew it was comforting for Rachel and helped her sleep better, and she felt powerful seeing Rachel wearing them. For a few seconds, she felt like they were a normal couple, just like the ones she always saw in the movies. It was the little things that made their bumpy life feel a little more ordinary, and Quinn loved every single one of them. Like brushing their teeth together in the morning, and sharing a cup of coffee while they each read one book. Like sleeping tangled each other's arms in a night without nightmares to any of them, and braiding each other hairs.

Rachel cuddled up by her side, and looked up to her with eyes that Quinn could swear shined brighter than any star. Knowing that perhaps she could cause a little bit of the brightness, made Quinn swoon.

"Thank you for today" Rachel whispered with a dainty smile.

"No need to thank me, Rach..." Quinn shook her head. "I'm sorry I couldn't do anything special for you."

"Being with you is already special enough. Is the best gift I could ever get for Valentine's Day!" Rachel purred snuggling closer, and Quinn just shook her head again.

"You deserve much more. I'm sorry I couldn't come up with anything…"

Quinn didn't want to say, but she really felt like the medicine was messing up with the creative part of her brain. It had been a while since she had a good idea, and even playing her instruments and drawing with Rachel were becoming harder each day. But she just hoped it go away soon.

"We can make it up for it next year, when we will be outside!" Rachel said excitedly, but it faded to a confused frown as she saw Quinn's sad smile.

Just another thing Quinn had meant to tell Rachel sooner. She was always rehearsing this conversation, but the moment just never felt right. Quinn figured it would never feel, though. And since Valentine's Day was essentially over, she thought this moment would be as good as it gets. She didn't knew when she would have a chance like that again, with Rachel starting the conversation so naturally.

"You know that I love you, right?" Quinn asked, and Rachel nodded in a worried frown.

"Yes, and I love you too. What's going on?" She would always be glad for how perceptive Rachel was when Quinn was trying to come up with a difficult topic of conversation.

"I won't get out, Rach." Quinn deadpanned, blurting the words out of her mouth before she could regret it.

"What do you mean?" Rachel's frown deepened and Quinn felt her heart breaking all over again. "You're getting better! You haven't cut in a really long time!"

"Yeah, I know. But it doesn't matter. I'm never getting out because no one wants me outside." Quinn could see in Rachel's face that she didn't get it, and Quinn explained herself further. "My parents are the ones paying so that I stay here, and they would rather keep it that way. It's easier to keep me in here than to face whatever I can cause outside."

"But they can't keep you in here if you're good! You're almost 18, you can sue than and get the judge to make them let you out! Or something!"

"No, love..." Quinn smiled, seeing how Rachel was trying to fight for her. "I don't think I'll ever be 100% good, and even if I were no judge would believe a crazy suicidal girl's words over a mental institution's one."

"What does this mean, then?" Rachel asked tear-eyed, and Quinn leaned to drop a kiss on her lips.

"I don't know. Maybe that we should make the most of the moments we have?" Quinn asked carefully.

"No." Rachel shook her head, wrapping her arms tightly around Quinn. "No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. I won't leave you. Ever."

Quinn wasn't sure if Rachel understood the size of the promise she was making, but she thought they had talked about it enough for one night that should end happily.

She waited for Rachel to fall asleep, and silently cried as she watched her girl within her arms and imagined how long that would last for. If she could, she would have stopped time right then and there because as long as she had Rachel with her she knew she didn't need anything else.


	26. What doesn't kill you: Chapter 25

Chapter 25 - What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead

* * *

Quinn and Rachel walked back from lunch into their room, and Quinn kicked off her shoes before throwing herself onto bed. It was visiting day and Quinn had been dreading the moment to come all morning. She knew it wasn't healthy for her to get so nervous about not having Rachel by her side for only one afternoon, but she had become used to the girl's company and didn't enjoy being alone as much as she once did. She didn't let it show though - she didn't want to make Rachel feel guilty about going to see her parents.

"Ms. Berry, your fathers are waiting for you on the backyard." Announced a nurse peeking her head inside the room.

Rachel bounced up to sit on bed and put on her shoes, and Quinn gave her an encouragingly smile, but received back a frown from Rachel.

"Come on, sleepyhead. We don't wanna keep them waiting!" Said Rachel, clapping her hands to hush Quinn.

"Wait, what?" Quinn asked, caught by surprise.

"What do you mean what? Get going! My dads are waiting for us."

"Wait, wait. Us? Are you expecting me to come along?" Quinn asked in a gasp, widened eyes.

"Well, yes! Duh!" Rachel seemed genuinely confused with Quinn's reaction, and it made Quinn think back if they had ever talked about this meeting before and she had forgotten.

"Rachel! I can't come!" Quinn shook her head, pulling the covers over herself, as if it could protect her from getting dragged out of the bed.

"Why not?" Rachel answered deepening her frown in concern.

"Well, because... Because I can't!" Quinn whined. She felt like all the words had slipped out of her mind, and suddenly she couldn't formulate a coherent phrase to save her life.

"Quinn, please. I really wanna see them! Let's go!" Rachel argued, pinning her bangs back and finally getting ready.

"Rach, you can go! The nurses will walk you there. I'll be here when you come back, I promise. It's gonna be fine!"

"Quinn I don't want you to come because I am afraid of going alone. I want you to come because I want them to meet you!" Rachel explained with a giggle, as if it were obvious, and Quinn's heart sank further in desperation. She swallowed dry. This was worst then she expected, and she had not planned a way of getting out of it.

"I've met them already! That first time they came to see you, here in our room!" Said Quinn. She really had seen them before, but she knew that wasn't what Rachel had meant when she talked about meeting them.

"You know that doesn't count. You didn't even talk to them! I want to formally introduce you to them, I want them to get to really know you!" Rachel said. It was undeniable that Quinn was endeared by all of it, but she just didn't think it was the right timing.

"Why?" Quinn felt lightheaded. There was no way that could be a good idea and she wasn't being successful in trying to get a way out of it..

"Because, Quinn! Because I love you and you make me happy and you're helping me get better and I want to tell the whole world but you won't let me tell anyone in here, so I wanna tell them! I wanna share what I'm feeling with someone other than you! I want them to know how amazing you've been for me!" Rachel declared, and Quinn felt her heart being torn apart in two pieces: one that was elated by hearing Rachel's words and just wanted to give in, and the other that told her this wasn't going to end well.

"Rach, I love you to death but this is a terrible idea." Rachel huffed and stomped her feet in frustration, but Quinn explained herself further. "Okay, what if they don't like me? What if they tell the hospital to pull us apart? Don't you think you should prepare them beforehand?"

"Quinn, you don't have to worry. Really, I know they will love you!" Rachel reassured her, coming closer and grabbing Quinn's hand.

"I don't know Rach... You just think that because you love me and you're biased. People clearly don't think the best of me, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place!"

"Quinn, I know they will love you because my whole life I've been treated poorly by people I was in relationships with, and they hated it. But as soon as they know how our relationship works they will be happy for me! They will fall in love with you the moments they see how your eyes shine whenever you look at me. There's no way they won't like you!"

"But Rach... Do they know you're a- uh... Do they know you like girls? Do you think they will be fine with it?"

"Quinn! For God's sake! They're gay! I have two fathers!" Rachel whined, and Quinn could see she was getting annoyed by Quinn's incessant reasoning. But deep down she still had a bad feeling about it and she had always trusted her guts.

"Rach, are you really sure? Think about it... Do you really think your fathers are gonna like that you are with a girl like me? Who's not even good enough to be able to survive outside?"

"Quinn, I'm telling you they'll be okay with it. They trust me and they trust my judgments. But most of all, they know that people who come here are just sick, like me. They won't judge you for that. Now, will you please come with me? I've lost so much time already. Please. I want you there. But I'm not gonna force you. I'm asking you one last time, okay? Please, come with me." Rachel sighed, begging.

"Promise?" Quinn asked, and Rachel nodded.

If there was something Quinn hated was showing herself insecure, but she was getting used to open up to Rachel and it actually felt good to do so. Quinn gave up with a sigh and got up, putting on her shoes as Rachel smiled contently.

"Don't be nervous okay? At the end of the day it will be only you and me again. Like always." Rachel reassured her and Quinn felt her heart melting. She was so glad Rachel always knew what to say.

* * *

Quinn hesitated when Rachel held her hand as they walked outside, but decided to let the girl lead the way, since she knew her fathers better. Once they stepped out to the backyard, Rachel let go of her hand and ran to the arms of one of her fathers in a tight embrace. Quinn stood still by the door, watching and smiling silently as Rachel greeted them. She couldn't hear what they said, but she hoped that if she stood there quiet enough Rachel would be too caught up on her fathers' presence and would forget Quinn was there.

"Quinn!" Rachel yelled, calling Quinn with a wave of hands and bringing Quinn back from her silently hopes.

Quinn walked towards them shyly, but she didn't let her head fall down. She kept it up, like she knew she had to. She couldn't show herself weak, because there was no chance she got risk getting crushed by people who were so important to Rachel. She might be timid inside, but her outside showed a courageous and confident girl that wouldn't take any cruelty home. She figured if she faked for long enough, it would become true.

"Dad, daddy. This is Quinn!" Rachel said excitedly, pointing to the girl. "And we're together!"

Quinn deadpanned at hot direct Rachel was, and her heart raced. She realized Rachel was careful in avoiding to use certain words, like girlfriend or dating, knowing Quinn didn't react well to the commitment the words brought. She made a mental note to thank Rachel for being so considerate later.

"Oh my God!" One of the men exclaimed, bringing his hands to his mouth in utter surprise, and Quinn feared what he would say afterwards.

"Nice to meet you, Quinn" The other responded gently, giving his hand for Quinn to grab. "I'm Leroy, and this is my husband Hiram." Quinn felt the world coming off of her shoulders in relief when the man was nothing but kind towards her, and silently thanked Rachel for always being right.

"Nice to meet you too" Quinn answered, with a genuine smile and shake of hands. This was already going better than she expected.

"How did this happen?" Hiram squealed, wrapping one arm around Rachel's shoulders and looking down to the short girl with the biggest smile he could have on his face. "You're so much better, sweetheart! I almost can't believe you're the same girl we had to bring here kicking and screaming!"

"I really am!" Rachel nodded excitedly, grabbing Quinn's hand. "I own so much of it to Quinn. She helps me so much! You have no idea…" Quinn blushed lightly and rolled her eyes playfully, making Leroy giggle.

"Well, our girl has very good taste, that's for sure!" Said Leroy, patting Quinn's shoulder lightly. "Let's sit, shall we?" He said, sitting down on a bench with Quinn by his side, while Rachel and Hiram sat on the bench in front of them.

"So… How are things outside?" Rachel asked the men.

"It's good, sweetheart! The restaurant is going really well, I wish you were there to see it. You would be so proud!" Leroy answered with a sincere smile. "Besides, I miss my clumsy helper."

"I am proud! I know what a good chef you are, dad!" Rachel said with a grin, shoving him lightly on the shoulder for mocking her cooking abilities. "You definitely need to try some of his food, Quinn! I know you will love it!"

"What do you cook?" Quinn asked interestedly.

"Well, I can cook anything, basically. But our specialty is Jewish cuisine."

"I don't think I ever tried it. I bet is delicious, though!" Quinn said with a polite smile, before Rachel cut her unwarily.

"Did anyone call about me? From school, I mean. They must wonder why I am not going to classes anymore." Rachel asked curiously.

"Honey, you shouldn't worry about that, okay?" Hiram answered, kissing the top of Rachel's had and Quinn felt her heart shattering seeing how disappointed Rachel was that none of her so called friends were worried about her. Quinn could definitely relate to the feeling, but she never hated her friends as much as she hated Rachel's for making the girl upset like that. "Let's talk about what's important here, which is you. My baby girl! How are you feeling lately?"

"I'm good, I guess. They changed my meds recently, and I think it's finally working. But they still need a couple of weeks without any casualties before they declare if it's the one for me or not." Rachel said with a light shrug. Quinn knew Rachel's fathers had access to that information and didn't need to ask about it, until she realized they were just trying to change the subject so that Rachel wouldn't be upset.

"That's great! That means you're close to going home, then, doesn't it?" Hiram looked over to Leroy, as if he was waiting for his husband to confirm his thoughts.

"If everything is working, then probably yes." Leroy nodded with an excited grin, and Quinn felt a tug in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't ready to let Rachel go, but she could never wish for the girl to stay in that _prison_ any longer.

"Who knows, right?" Rachel answered with a shrug and a smile, not getting deeper in the subject in a clear attempt to try to reassure Quinn, who just smiled back and nodded.

"How's everything here? Do you enjoy the food? The activities?" Leroy asked, cautiously.

"They're alright. I mean, it's not like a 5 stars hotel, but it isn't bad either. They make pretty good cookies, though!" Rachel answered enthusiastically.

"Cookies, sweetheart? Your standards have dropped!" Hiram mocked, and she stuck her tongue out at him playfully.

"Okay, and what about the classes and meetings, honey?" Leroy insisted.

"Well, I don't really attend most of them, dad." Rachel said with an uncomfortable shake of head and forced smile. She wasn't happy to admit that she still wasn't all better. "I'm still not ready to be surrounded by so many strangers. I'm making progress, though. Last week Quinn and I went to a crafts class on Valentine's day!"

"Oh, that's nice! You should start going to them more often, dear. It's important, and they won't let you go home if you don't socialize." Hiram said sweetly, brushing his palm on Rachel's cheek.

Quinn was oddly quiet, and Rachel realized. They traded looks throughout the conversation, but Rachel realized that Quinn wasn't comfortable interacting too much and didn't push her any further, and for that Quinn was grateful. It's not that she didn't want to get to know Rachel's fathers, but she was just too afraid of saying something wrong and ruining everything. Only she knew how good she was at doing so. However, Rachel's fathers weren't so perceptive and kept trying to engage Quinn in the conversation.

"Quinn, you're a quiet one. Are you perhaps an artist? A dreamy soul, like myself?" Hiram asked with a raised eyebrow, leaning forward towards Quinn, who blushed lightly and gave him a shy smile.

"I'm far from being an artist... But I can play some instruments. And I like to write, although I rarely do in here. When it comes to drawing though, Rachel beats me all the way down." Although she was uncomfortable and nervous, she was a master in small talk. The kind of skill you acquire when you live and grow with parents like hers.

"Really, dads, she is an amazing musician! She plays the piano just beautifully!" Rachel bragged, and Quinn felt her face getting warmer again.

"Well, I would like to see that sometime! Maybe we could arrange our next meeting to be in the music room! I miss hearing my baby singing too, you know?" Leroy winked at Rachel, and Quinn nodded in approval. At least if she was busy playing something she knew she wouldn't mess things up.

The visit hours went by in a blink, and Quinn was surprised with herself when she realized she was upset that it was already over. Maybe it was because she liked seeing Rachel happy, but part of her knew deep down that she was the one craving interaction with other people. The fact that the Berry men treated her so well was just a plus.

When it was time for their goodbyes, Quinn saw by the corner of her eyes that Rachel let out a few tears while hugging Hiram. In the meantime, Leroy pulled Quinn for a hug of their own, and caught the girl by surprise. Quinn gasped lowly and froze for an instant, before letting herself surrender and hug the tall man back.

"Take care of her for me. Please" Leroy whispered in Quinn's ear, and the girl nodded her head against his shoulder. "I know you will. Thank you for being there for her." Quinn nodded shyly once more, before letting go of the embrace.

The two men waved goodbye as they walked away, and Quinn wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulder while the girl leaned her head on Quinn's shoulder and swallowed a few more tears that insisted on getting out of her eyes.

* * *

Chatting with Rachel before they fell asleep had become one of Quinn's favorite moments. She looked forward to it all day, since it was when their deepest conversations took place and it was a moment where she allowed herself to be somewhat cheesy. Having Rachel in her arms while they talked was simply the cherry on the top.

"So, did you like them?" Rachel asked enthusiastically, looking up to Quinn.

"Of course I did! They're great!" Quinn replied sincerely, and Rachel's smile grew broader.

"Really?"

"Yes! You're very lucky, Rach."

"I know, I really am. They're amazing. I wish I was the daughter they deserve…" Rachel sighed, not as happy anymore, and Quinn pouted giving a little tap on the girl's forehead.

"Don't say that! You're wonderful, Rachel. And they know it! I could see how much they loved you at the very second we walked out this building." Quinn smiled, making Rachel's smile come back too. "Did you know Leroy whispered something to me as we said goodbye?"

"No!" Rachel said surprised. "What did he say?"

"He told me to take care of you."

"Aw!" Rachel swooned with a sigh. "He's so good. See? He not only likes you, he trusts you. I knew they would love you. Don't you feel silly now?"

"Not really, no." Quinn chuckled, shaking her head. "I mean, they were great. But there were just so many things that could have gone wrong. I wasn't prepared for it, I wouldn't know how to act if something happened."

"Quinn! Do you really think they would have been upset about me dating a girl?"

"I don't know! Maybe, yes." Quinn confessed and Rachel shook her head in disbelief. Quinn sighed before continuing. "It's not just the dating a girl part. You know I'm messed up; I'm not exactly what parents dream to their children, Rach. Besides, I wasn't raised like you. My parents would _never_ have reacted like yours did. I wouldn't dare to let them even put their eyes on you. I don't think they would accept me, and I would never let them say anything offensive to you. I was raised thinking this was a sin. They taught me that all of this was wrong. That's not the kind of thing that gets out of your head easily."

"Quinn, this is right." Rachel whispered, brushing her thumb against Quinn's cheek, and holding it in place so that their eyes were fixed on each other's. Rachel leaned and took Quinn's lips within hers for a minute, in a loving kiss. As they pulled away, Quinn remained with her eyes closed, listening to Rachel's whispers right by her ear. "You and I – we can't be wrong. There's _nothing_ wrong about this. What we have is pure, and magic and it's beautiful. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise, alright?"

Quinn nodded slowly with a deep sigh, keeping her eyes closed and breathing in deeply to fight the goosebumps that rose all over her arms as she felt Rachel's breath against her neck. As Rachel dropped a kiss on her neck, traveling their way through the jaw until reaching Quinn's mouth again, Quinn felt something lighting up inside of her.

Rachel's kisses felt all too different – a _good_ kind of different. Quinn bit her lip, holding her breath as Rachel nuzzled their noses together, and leting it all out when their lips met again with a deep sigh. She felt like she was floating, and as each inch of Rachel's mouth touched hers she was getting higher and higher. Quinn was never a patient person, but she was enjoying Rachel's advances way too much to try to hush things.

When their mouths finally connected in a deep passionate kiss, Quinn could swear she had found heaven on Earth. The goosebumps roamed from her arms to the whole rest of her body, and a shiver ran down her spine as Rachel slipped her tongue inside Quinn's mouth. The action was so familiar, but Rachel seemed softer yet bolder in every movement and Quinn couldn't deny the warmth growing up from inside of her.

In a gentle move, Quinn rose from under Rachel and laid on top of the girl, propping her weight on her knees as her hand tangled within Rachel's long locks. Quinn deepened the kiss even further, feeling Rachel's lip quivering between her own as she sucked lightly on the girl's tongue. Quinn's hand travelled through Rachel's neck, with her prints running over the exposed skin and contouring her collarbone. She lowered her fingers a few inches lower, stopping them right where Rachel's breasts would start.

Quinn felt Rachel's panting breaths and caught the girl's lower lip between her teeth, scraping it just slightly. A dull low moan slipped out of Quinn's mouth as Rachel flickered her tongue against Quinn's, and she felt like every butterfly in the world had decided to flutter inside her stomach all at the same time. Quinn had never been intimate with another girl before, but she was well aware of what felt good for her, so it was almost a subconscious act when she let her knee fall and press against between Rachel's legs.

Rachel gasped and jumped slightly, pulling away from the kiss. Quinn could see the girl swallowing hard, and held herself on top of her with a worried look. Rachel flinched away just slightly, and Quinn saw something odd in Rachel's eyes. Something she had never seen before, but also couldn't define what it was.

"Perhaps-" Rachel said, trying to catch her breath before continuing. "I think we should go to sleep, Quinn." She completed, moving to her side so that Quinn would fall with her back on the bed. She was further away than how they usually slept, and Quinn frowned deeper.

Quinn didn't get her goodnight that night. Rachel didn't cuddle up against her side.

And Quinn thought death would have felt better than how she felt at that moment.


	27. I'll be your lighthouse: Chapter 26

**A/N:** Happy Achele Day! Hope you're all having a good day. Unfortunately, this isn't a very happy chapter, although I know some of you really wanted to know this. Please, read with caution. There isn't anything explicit, but I know it might be triggering for a lot of people.

And, please, don't forget: I'm here if any of you need to talk. About anything, really.

 **TW: Sexual Assault.**

* * *

Chapter 26 - I'll be your lighthouse

Quinn barely slept at all during that night. She considered getting one of the sleeping pills she had hidden on her drawer, but she had gone so far without them that she felt like it was just too much of a weakness to let it all go to waste and take one.

She didn't understand what had happened, but still, she couldn't help blaming herself. She was sure she had done something wrong. She hated the fact she had no one to talk to about this to. She wished there was someone she could ask directions for, after all, she had no experience with other girls. Clearly she had upset Rachel with something she did, and she felt the worst person in Earth for it. She wanted nothing more than to make Rachel feel good, but once more she had ruined it. She was actually surprised it took her so much to ruin it.

During the night, Rachel eventually came closer to her and Quinn wrapped her arms around the girl. She knew wouldn't be able to close her eyes without having Rachel there. It just felt natural, and she didn't remember the last time she slept without cuddling. She silently apologized a hundred times, not wanting to wake Rachel up, but not being able to deal with the guilt of having done something wrong.

What made Quinn upset the most, though, was that Rachel didn't tell her what happened and what had bothered her. Quinn hated to feel out of the loop, especially in a situation where she felt it was likely her fault. If she at least knew what was wrong, she could apologize more specifically and try to fix it and never do it again. But Rachel woke up on the next morning acting like nothing had happened, and Quinn wished she could just let it go too, but her mind would always travel back to what was bringing her so much anxiety.

Quinn was never good at hiding how she felt, thus why everyone quickly realized something was wrong with her and she ended up in the hospital. This time it was no different. Rachel soon picked up that Quinn wasn't okay with all that happened, and wasn't planning on dropping it as easily as Rachel wished. It helped the Rachel knew how to read her better than anyone ever had.

Lunch went on with barely no talking between the two of them, and when they came back to their room, Quinn laid in bed and watched as Rachel anxiously scribbled down on her desk. Quinn didn't like seeing Rachel nervous like she was, but she knew the girl would come to her when she was ready to talk about what was going on. And right she was, not much later Rachel dropped her pencil with a deep sigh and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Are you angry?" Rachel said as she raised her head just lightly, looking at Quinn by the corner of her eyes.

"No." Quinn said quietly, shaking her head. She wasn't sure what she was feeling, but she was sure it wasn't anger. She could never be angry with Rachel, and she had been pretty effective in controlling her anger in general, because she knew it made Rachel upset. "I'm just… I don't know. Confused, maybe."

"I'm sorry" Rachel whispered, and Quinn was almost sure that what she saw glistening in Rachel's eyes was a tear. She pulled Rachel by the arm, and wrapped the girl in a hug bringing Rachel to lay with her.

"You don't have to be sorry. I just didn't understand what happen, and it made me nervous." Quinn confessed, running her fingers through Rachel's hair to make sure the girl didn't get too upset. Rachel sobbed quietly, and Quinn felt her melting in to the embrace. It was nice knowing a simple hug had such calming effect. "What happened?" She asked softly.

"I don't know." Rachel answered with a small shrug, and Quinn felt she was holding something back instead oft telling her the whole story. She usually wasn't the one to push Rachel when she received dismissive answers, but the curiosity was killing her.

"Did you not want anything? It's okay if you didn't, Rach. I just assumed becau-" Quinn asked carefully, but was cut short by Rachel.

"It's not that…" Rachel shook her head slowly. "It's not like I don't wanna be with you."

"Well, what is it, then?" Quinn asked in a frown, getting more confused than she was at first. She noticed she might have sounded a little more harsh than she intended, and reassured Rachel with a kiss on the top of the head. "Did I do something you didn't like?"

"No…" Rachel hid her head further in the crook of Quinn's neck, and Quinn sighed in frustration. She couldn't keep a conversation if Rachel didn't give her anything to work with.

"Rach, is hard to work things out when you don't tell me what's wrong, you know." Quinn waited for a few seconds, but Rachel remained quiet. She wondered if Rachel had fallen asleep, but a small hiccup made her realize Rachel was just being quiet. "Rach?"

"It was nothing." Rachel answered, swallowing hard and forcing a smile. "You can do it." She whispered, turning to lie on her back by Quinn's side and closing her eyes.

Quinn stood still in startle and watched as Rachel clenched her fist and shut her eyes tightly. Her fists became white from so much strength, and she quivered almost imperceptibly while chewing her bottom lip. Quinn didn't have to wait any longer to realize that she wasn't the problem.

Rachel was terrified, and Quinn immediately knew she hadn't done anything wrong. Something had happened to Rachel, and she didn't want to tell Quinn. However, Rachel loved Quinn so much that she was willing to ignore her horrors just to make Quinn happy. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. Quinn felt tears coming to her eyes, and moved to stroke Rachel's cheek with her thumb, but Rachel immediately flinched and let out a whimper that broke Quinn's heart once more.

"Rach…" Quinn whispered, but Rachel didn't move. "Open your eyes, babe." She said softly, and gently placed a kiss on the girl's forehead. "Rach, I'm not gonna touch you. I won't do anything. I love you remember? Just look at me. Please." Quinn begged.

Rachel seemed to finally surrender and with deep sigh of relief opened her eyes and relaxed, opening her fists again and taking deep breaths. She kept her head down, avoiding Quinn's eyes. Quinn was glad she had a minute to recompose herself, so that Rachel wouldn't see the tears that insisted on coming to her eyes. She didn't yet know what happened, but watching how much it affected Rachel made she realize how much it hurt her seeing Rachel like that.

"I'm so sorry." Rachel whimpered again, and Quinn just shook her head and wrapped her arms around Rachel, scooping her up. Quinn rocked lightly back and forth and caressed Rachel's head as the girl cried silently on her lap.

"Oh, baby…" Quinn whispered, letting her tears finally come out and leaning her head on top of Rachel's. "What happened to you?" She said lowly, more to herself than waiting for an actual answer.

They stood in the embrace for what felt like hours. Quinn tried not to think about it, because the idea that Rachel had gone through something so horrible that she didn't have the courage to tell Quinn made her terrified. Being there for Rachel at the moment was all she could offer, and as long as Rachel was okay she knew she would be too.

After a while, Rachel stopped shaking and sobbing and Quinn figured she had fallen asleep again. Crying always made her tired. But Quinn didn't move at all. She didn't have the courage to let go of Rachel. She felt like she was somehow holding the girl together and that Rachel was more protected under her embrace.

* * *

Quinn woke up to the feeling of Rachel poking her softly. She didn't remember falling asleep and had completely lost track of time until she glanced at the clock and noticed they both had already missed dinner. She rubbed her eyes for a second, and smiled sadly when she saw Rachel's swollen and red eyes from crying so much.

"Hey…" Quinn whispered, getting Rachel to look at her with a brush of her thumb on the girl's cheek. "Are you feeling better?"

"I wanna tell you." Rachel said directly, taking a deep breath and looking deep in Quinn's eyes. "Tell you what happened to me, that is. Tell you why I am here."

"Rach, you don't have to…" Quinn gave her a sympathetic smile and sat up, grabbing Rachel's hand and tracing small circles on the back of Rachel's palm.

"I know, but I want to." Rachel nodded, and sounded so sure that Quinn didn't even try to reason further. She knew better than to think she could ever win. "I've been wanting to tell you for a while now. Our therapist even said it would be easier for me to deal with it if I became more comfortable talking about it. And there's no one I trust more than you. I- I thought about it a lot. I think it will be good for us."

"Okay" Quinn nodded, gripping her hand tighter in support. "Don't push yourself too hard, though. You've had a rough night. We both have. If you don't feel okay, just stop. And you can tell me more later. Alright?" She asked, and Rachel nodded in a smile. "And thank you for trusting me. I love you. No matter what you tell me, nothing would ever change what I feel for you."

"I love you too. So much..." Rachel said with a small smile, leaning and taking a peck on Quinn's lips before proceeding. "Would you mind if I turned off the light though?" Rachel asked and Quinn shrugged with a confused frown. "I just would rather... uh, not see your reactions. If it's okay."

"It's fine. Do what you have to do, babe." Quinn said, pulling Rachel into her arms and closing her eyes to listen. Rachel leaned her back against Quinn and rested her arms on top of the girl's, before starting to talk.

"Okay" Rachel took one deep sigh, gathering the last drop of courage she needed to finally go on. "As you may have figured, my fathers couldn't conceive a child. So they had the help of a surrogate to bring me to this world. We lived in New York back then, and it really wasn't a big deal there. To be honest, I didn't even realize my family was _different_ until I was about 8 or so. I mean, I knew I didn't have a mother, but I had a lot of friends who didn't either, and friends who didn't have fathers and even friends who had two mothers and so on. You get the idea. But anyways. Right when I was turning 10 my dad got fired from his job and decided to come back to his hometown to open the restaurant. The thing is, his hometown was a tiny little city of only 10,000 people and had a total of zero gay people before we moved there. I mean, there were probably a few gays but they weren't out or anything. People there were very traditional, you know? They didn't exactly _welcome_ us."

Quinn started getting nervous. She tried not to think ahead and not to imagine what had happened, but she couldn't stop her mind from wandering as Rachel told her story. She was glad the lights were off, because she didn't want Rachel to see how anxious she was getting. Quinn also remembered of the chance she had to read Rachel's file, way back when they had just met. Back then, she wasn't sure if putting it back without reading was a good idea. But now she knew with certainty that nothing she could have found out would be worth of losing the moment they were sharing at that moment. It was overwhelming to see Rachel tearing her insides open for Quinn to see and know all there was.

"It started at school." Rachel continued, fiddling with Quinn's hands. "I could always hear people talking about me behind my back. No one made any efforts to try and get to know me. They wouldn't respond to my tries either. My fathers told me to just give them time, that they would eventually get used to it and be captivated by my _personality_. Four years went by and I could count in one hand how many people talked to me _occasionally,_ only when they really didn't have any other options. But you know, I got over it. I realized I didn't need them because I would grow up and would be successful and I would be back in New York in no time while they would be stuck there forever."

Quinn could imagine it. It wasn't hard to picture Rachel being successful, having such strong will and being determined like she wasl. It was clear the girl was made for the big things, and Quinn could imagine Rachel running that whole city with her little finger. She wished they would be there together. Maybe if she really managed to get out she could move to the city with Rachel. She wouldn't complain about getting to read books everyday under the shadows of Central Park's trees or even about watching musicals on Broadway every weekend. They could be happy.

"Then it all got much worse when I started High School. We had this biology teacher who was simply the best teacher I ever had. She was truly amazing. She got everyone from our class to be interested in science, and I found out that I really liked biology and was actually very good at it. She also realized I had potential, and offered to give me private lessons about biochemistry, which was the area I was most interested in. It was really inspiring, Quinn. She was so smart, and I learned so much at each meeting."

Quinn could hear the passion in Rachel's voice, and was surprised that she had never heard of this little nerd side of Rachel. It was amazing to get to know more about the girl she loved so dearly, and Quinn felt herself falling more and more in love at each detail.

"It was great for my education, but of course, people didn't care about that aspect. The only thing they focused on was the fact that I left school two days a week with our teacher. We just went to the city library, but of course no one checked that. Soon enough everyone was talking about how she and I were having an affair. People joked about it constantly, and teased me for being a lesbian. Pretty much every day. It was so cruel and ruthless because I had never looked at her that away. I was just in love with what she taught me. I honestly didn't even know I liked girls back then. I was so focused on school and on getting out of town that I had never developed any love interests."

Quinn started to feel her chest getting tighter. Rachel had gone through everything she was afraid that could happen to her. She never thought this day would come, but she started to consider herself somewhat lucky. At least inside the institution they had never been harassed in anyway. They were safe from the bitter world of outside. Admiration didn't cover what she felt for Rachel for dealing with everything so maturely. She sure would have either snapped at everyone or drowned even further in her depression.

"I didn't tell anything to my fathers, because I was afraid of what they could have done. They are amazing and I love them to death, but I know they can become a little extreme when it comes to me. They're beyond over-protective. One day those rumors somehow ended up getting to the Principal's ears, and since the whole student board was made up of conservatives they managed to get the teacher fired claiming it was just-cause. It made me _so_ angry…" Rachel sighed and paused for a second. "She was the best teacher, and I knew she would have a hard time finding a new job after that. She really didn't deserve it."

Quinn nodded quietly. She didn't want to make any comments, to just let Rachel talk freely, without interruptions. Even more since Rachel said she didn't want to see her reactions. But she was growling inside. She couldn't believe how horrible people could be.

"So I fought for her. I tried to get students to sign a petition to get her back. And that just gave them even more reasons to think we had something. No one signed it and they just bullied me even harder. I worked at the mall, back then."

Quinn felt Rachel tensing up, and figured she was about to tell something darker. She gripped her arms tighter around Rachel's waist, and dropped a kiss on the top of her head.

"I had to walk all the way across the parking lot and cross an alley to get to the street where I usually caught the bus to go back home. It was close to Christmas and we had closed later than usual, so the streets were already very empty and it was pretty dark. I had earmuffs on because of the coldness, so I didn't hear anything weird or suspicious. When I got to the alley, there were six boys from my school waiting for me. I was entrapped. They were older and I have always been small. There was no way I could fight them. They kept telling me they were going to show me what was good. That I was a lesbian only because I hadn't known any better. That they would fix me."

Quinn's mouth hung slightly open, and she started tearing up. She was glad Rachel couldn't see it. She felt her stomach getting sick, and she silently wished Rachel wouldn't give any more details. She wasn't sure if she could handle them. But deep down, she knew it was important for Rachel to tell. So she sucked it up and stood still, hearing everything and making sure Rachel didn't realize how the story was affecting her.

"I have no idea how long I was there for. At first I tried to fight it. I really did. But then, something happened. I don't know what it was. I don't know if it were because I was cold, or because I was nervous. But I froze. I couldn't move, and I couldn't even cry for help. I felt numb all over, and I felt like I was out of my body. I thought I was dead. That's how I imagine death feels like, and it was _so_ scary. I think I passed out at some point, because next thing I remember was waking up on the hospital on the next morning. No one told me, but I heard later people talking about how I was found by a homeless man. They said I was covered in blood all over, and I was somewhat buried in snow. No one thought I was alive."

Quinn was feeling light-headed. She couldn't believe Rachel, that so little and sweet girl had been through so much. She damned herself for not knowing Rachel before, for not being able to protect her, even though she knew it wasn't her fault. She wished she could have been there for Rachel. She wouldn't have let any of this happen. Quinn was surprised by how coldly Rachel talked about everything. It was almost as if she were talking about someone's else story. Quinn didn't think she would be this strong if all of that had happened to her.

"Did you know they didn't even try to hide their faces?" Rachel let out sad, hurt chuckle. "They were all sons of important men in town. They knew nothing would happen to them. And it didn't. They did their best to not leave anything compromising behind, and they had too many people backing them up. I didn't die, but this is how my hell started. I couldn't leave my house anymore. Not knowing that I would go to school and have to face them everyday on the hallways, or that I could bump onto one of them while grocery shopping. But soon my house didn't feel safe enough either. I started hearing their voices. Everywhere I were, it felt like they were right behind me. I knew they weren't. I knew I was going crazy. I _know_ the voices are all in my head. But they sound so, so real Quinn."

It all made so much sense that Quinn wondered how she had never figured it out before by putting the pieces together. She felt her heart sinking in guilt, thinking of how she triggered all those memories, making Rachel relive them on the night before. She understood why Rachel got so nervous, and she knew she could never apologize enough. Most of all, she felt a rage inside she had never experienced before. She was glad she was learning to control herself, because her only wish at the moment was to jump out of bed, run away from the hospital and _kill_ every single one of those boys. Making sure they would suffer a lot before actually dying.

"And that's how I ended up here." Rachel finished, taking a deep breath. "I don't think I'll ever be able to live a normal life. I'll always have them haunting me. But when I'm with you, I feel like maybe I can fight them. I feel like I have a reason to fight. So you see, it's not that I don't want _it._ I do. I've felt things for you that I had never felt before, and I actually didn't think I was able to. I want it, Quinn. But I just… I don't know how. I don't wanna be with you and see them when I close my eyes. It's all too scary."

Quinn was so overwhelmed that it took her a few seconds before being able to respond to everything. She gently pulled Rachel, so that the girl would be facing her, and laid closer to her. Their eyes had gotten used to the darkness, and she hoped Rachel didn't realize she was crying. She held Rachel by the cheek, brushing it sweetly.

"You have no idea how proud I am of you. You are by far the strongest person I ever met. I am really, really sorry, Rach. You didn't deserve any of this. No one does. I know there's nothing I can do to erase that day from your head. I know I can't do anything to make them get what they deserve. But I also know that I have so much love for you that I would do anything in this world to make you feel better. I am very sorry that I pushed your limits last night. I promise you from the bottom of my heart that nothing like that will ever happen again. We will go at your pace. We will do whatever you are comfortable with. And I know that one day you will be able to have everything you want, and that although you won't forget what happened for good, you will be so happy that when you realize, it will have slipped out of your mind."

"How did I get so lucky?" Rachel whispered, and Quinn realized the tears running down her cheek. She wondered if Rachel had cried as she spoke before and Quinn hadn't realized. She leaned over and kissed the tears away from Rachel's face, before giving a sweet, soft kiss on her lips. "I love you so much, Quinn." Said Rachel.

"I'm the lucky one, that's for sure. You teach me so much. About life, about love. I have no idea where I would be without you." Quinn whispered, moving her forehead to rest against Rachel's. "I love you to death, Rachel."

"Who would tell Quinn Fabray could be so romantic?" Rachel said with a small giggle, and Quinn was happy to see Rachel wasn't feeling bad after telling everything. She hoped that their conversation helped Rachel to get off a little bit of the weight the girl carried on her shoulders, and was glad to see maybe it did.

"We will wait okay?" Quinn asked, ignoring Rachel's teasing with a sincere smile. "Together."


	28. Would you leave me: Chapter 27

**A/N: TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide is mentioned in this chapter.**

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Chapter 27 - Would you leave me if I told you what I've done?

"Quinn! Wake up!" Rachel whispered, poking Quinn's arm insistently.

Quinn was deep in sleep, and woke up slightly confused. She blinked a few times, trying to get used to the light and when finally realized Rachel was calling out her name she abruptly sat up on the bed, widened alert eyes.

"I'm up!" She exclaimed, startled. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm perfectly fine. Don't worry!" Rachel giggled and Quinn sighed deeply in relief. It was early morning, and Quinn wondered if she hadn't listen to the nurses who usually woke them up. "I have news for you! A bad one and a good one. Which one do you want first?"

"Aw, no." Quinn growled, falling back on the mattress and hiding her face on the pillow. "The bad one. Let's just get that over with." Rachel pinched her lightly on the arm, and she jumped up with a squeal. "Hey! What was that for?"

"It's Saint Patrick's Day and you're not wearing green. This was your bad news." Rachel said with a proud laugh at Quinn's reaction.

"I didn't even have time to put on clothes! That's not fair…" Quinn whined with a pout, rubbing her arm on the spot that had been pinched. Rachel leaned and dropped a peck at her pout, making it quickly become a sweet smile. "Well, at least it wasn't such bad news. And what is the good one?"

"Are you ready for this?" Rachel asked with the biggest grin Quinn had ever seen, and she raised an eyebrow while nodding dubiously. "We're going to get pet therapy today!" Rachel squealed loudly.

"What's that exactly?" Quinn questioned, still a little unsure of why Rachel sounded so excited.

"What do you mean what is that? Isn't it obvious?" Rachel huffed, and Quinn shook her head. Maybe it was obvious, but she was just too sleepy to think clearly. "They're bringing puppies and kittens to the backyard, and we get to play with them all day! Is supposed to make us feel better, which I know _I_ will! Now, please, get up and let's go!"

"Rach. Relax, we have the whole day. Why don't we sleep in just a little bit more?" Quinn reasoned, stretching her arms out calling Rachel back to bed. Rachel grabbed said arms and pulled them with all her strength, making Quinn nearly fall from bed. "Alright, I'm going. Since you were so nice about it." She mocked with a giggle, getting up and onto the bathroom.

Rachel practically dragged Quinn all the way outside. Quinn wouldn't say it, but she was elated in seeing how excited Rachel was for it. Even if there were people outside, Rachel didn't care – she just wanted to play with the pets. And Quinn called that progress.

"Oh my God!" Rachel murmured, choking on air as they stepped outside and were able to see the crates. "I think I just had a mini heart attack! Look how many, Quinn!" She swung their interlaced hands between them, trying to get Quinn's attention.

"They're really cute, I must admit." Quinn surrendered with a giggle, walking towards the crates and stopping in front the one that held a tiny French bulldog puppy. "Aw, look at this one! It looks so funny!" Quinn opened the small door, taking the puppy in her arms while Rachel walked closer to pet its head.

"They're all so precious! I wish we could keep one in our room…" Rachel pouted, sitting on the grass and reaching out her arms. "Give me, I wanna hold it!" Quinn kneeled on the ground, handing the puppy to Rachel and sitting by the girl's side.

"What do you think it is? A boy or a girl?" Quinn asked, leaning to the ground to try to see the puppy's belly. "I'm not even sure what I should look for under here."

"That's cause that's not where you should look!" Rachel said, picking the puppy up and turning it so that it would face her. "You just have to look deep in their eyes and they will tell you!" She murmured, getting quiet for a minute and facing the dog seriously while Quinn held back her laugh. "This one is clearly a girl. Let's name her Marvelous!"

"That's… an unique name." Quinn chuckled, with an amused frown. "I just hope you're right, otherwise she will end up hating us for treating her like a girl."

"I am never wrong." Rachel deadpanned making Quinn chuckle and push her shoulder playfully. "You should go get us a kitten! Marvelous wants a baby brother!" Rachel told Quinn, before changing her voice to talk to the puppy. "Don't you, Marvie?"

Quinn shook her head and rolled her eyes, but whipped as she could be, got up in the same second and walked over to where the crates that held the cats. She wondered which one she should take, and ended up getting a black one. She felt bad for it, knowing how many people think black cats bring bad luck. Besides, Rachel had a beige puppy, which was blonde like Quinn. So it was just logical that Quinn should have a black kitten, a brunette like Rachel.

"There you go!" Quinn said, handing the kitten to Rachel. Rachel held the pets each at one hand and carried them like babies. "What are you gonna name that one?" Quinn asked, pointing to the cat with her head.

"Mhm…" Rachel thought for a second, humming. "Pearl! Because her fur is as bright as a black pearl." She stated, proud of herself. "Although pearls aren't fluffy… Marvelous stop bickering at your sister!" Rachel exclaimed, pulling the two pets apart to prevent the puppy from trying to bite the kitten's tiny ear. "I think this is the best moment of my life" Rachel sighed contently.

"Rachel! You had told me that the best moment of your life was our night cuddles!" Quinn half-yelled in shock.

"Sorry, Quinn. Sometimes you gotta learn how to lose." Rachel shrugged playfully, and Quinn laughed in disbelief.

Quinn was sure that she would go to sleep with her face hurting from smiling so much. She was absolutely enchanted seeing Rachel treating the pets and how they were making her happy, especially after the rough night they had. Sighing contently, Quinn laid down with her head on Rachel's lap. Rachel gave the puppy for Quinn to hold and the puppy laid down in between Quinn's breasts, closing its eyes.

"That's my puppy! Always ready for a nap!" Quinn chuckled, petting the puppy's back and smiling as Rachel rolled her eyes.

"In another life would you like to be a puppy or a kitten?" Rachel asked mindlessly, running her hand through the kitten's fur.

"Mhm, I don't know. Dogs are great because they seem to always be happy and they play with their owners. But cats get to sleep much more and they don't pretend to put up with shit they don't like." Said Quinn, getting a small tap on the top of her head from Rachel for saying _shit._ "I would need to be a mix between them two! Or maybe I could be a bird, and just fly away and travel constantly."

"In that case, I think I would rather be a butterfly! Cause I also get to fly, but I look prettier and carefree and I also get to change a lot during life." Rachel daydreamed, and Quinn turned her face to drop a kiss on Rachel's arm.

"You would be the prettiest butterfly of them all." Quinn said with a smile, closing her eyes in hope to take a nap like the puppy she held did.

"Do you really think so?" Rachel asked shyly, almost in a murmur and Quinn immediately shot her eyes open again.

"Are you serious?" She asked, frowning in disbelief.

"Well, I don't know… People rarely complimented my appearance. Even my personality, which has never been the best, still got more compliments than my looks." Rachel shrugged timidly. "And people mocked me a lot too, which definitely didn't help."

"Rach, you are beautiful!" Quinn cried out. "You have the sweetest and most expressive eyes, and anyone could tell you're amazing by just looking at them. Your mouth is by far the softest one my lips ever touched, and it tastes pretty much like heaven. Your hair is simply gorgeous. You are adorably small and you still manage to be _unbelievably_ sexy. There's really nothing I would change about how you look like. You're the most attractive person I ever met, and I am the luckiest for being with you."

"Promise?" Rachel asked doubtingly.

"Of course I do! Stop that!" Quinn pouted, lifting the puppy up to lick Rachel's face. "And see, Marvelous also thinks you're beautiful. She's trying to drown you in puppy kisses!" Said Quinn, as Rachel scrunched up her nose in a grin and laughed.

* * *

"I think someone is getting sick…" Rachel said while running her hand through Quinn's hair, as Quinn wouldn't stop sneezing.

"Nah, I'm good." She replied, rubbing her nose violently.

"Quinn, you have sneezed about a billion times." Rachel argued.

"It's just allergies. Fur usually does that to me. But I'll be fine, it doesn't last for too long." Quinn shrugged it off.

"Quinn! Why didn't you tell me?" Rachel complained, pulling Quinn by the chin to look at her.

"Because. You were too excited; I wouldn't ruin it just because of that. I will be fine, really. I just need a shower to get the fur off of me." Quinn shrugged it off, and got up from Rachel's lap in a skip.

"Alright, if you say so…" Rachel said with a silly smile, knowing that Quinn had done it for her. That was the best reward Quinn could ever ask for. Nothing made her happier than to see Rachel smiling and know she was the cause of it.

"Wanna join me?" Quinn asked, stopping by the bathroom's door and turning around to face Rachel.

"W-What?" Rachel stuttered, with widened eyes.

"Let's shower together." Quinn suggested in a smile, chewing her inner cheeks. She wasn't sure if Rachel would agree with it, but she figured it wouldn't hurt to ask. It would be a nice way for them to build up intimacy, while it was hopefully not going to be triggering for Rachel, since it was such a different context.

"Quinn…" Rachel murmured, escaping from her glance and looking down.

"It's just a shower. We won't do anything, really." Quinn reasoned, walking over to Rachel and taking the girl's hand before dropping a kiss on the top of her head. "I just wanna be close to you."

Rachel looked up to Quinn and after pondering for a second, she nodded. Quinn searched deeply in her eyes for any sign that the girl might be agreeing just to give in, but Rachel looked certain. Quinn was always amazed by that particular look in Rachel's eyes. The look she got every time she decided to face something she was scared of. Rachel was courageous to no end, and Quinn admired the trait she never had.

"Okay!" Quinn's smile furthered, and she squeezed Rachel's hand. "I'll be waiting for you, alright?"

Quinn got in the bathroom and took her clothes off. She was sure that Rachel would come in eventually. By instinct, she caught herself looking at the mirror and analyzing her body. It had been a long time since she last stopped to take a look at herself. But it was the first time Rachel would see her without any clothes, and she just wished her body hadn't changed so much in the last couple of years. Although in the end, she knew Rachel wouldn't care about it. Just like she wouldn't care about what Rachel's looked like. The love she felt would make anything she saw as the most perfect thing.

Not much time after Quinn had shut the shower curtains, she saw the shadow of Rachel coming inside the bathroom. She watched through the shadows as Rachel bent over to take off her shorts, and stretched up taking off her tank top. She silently admired as Rachel stood still on the other side of the curtain, and prayed that the girl wouldn't back down. She couldn't help her big smile when Rachel slowly reached for the curtains.

Rachel looked up shyly, but smiled when she saw Quinn's comforting eyes. Quinn reached out her hand, and Rachel took it before stepping in. Quinn was ecstatic. It wasn't the first time she had seen Rachel without clothes, but knowing that this time Rachel had undressed with the sole purpose of being with her made her heart skip a beat.

Quinn didn't want to stare. She didn't want to make Rachel uncomfortable in anyway. But it was so hard not to let her eyes linger in the long legs or perfectly round breasts. Before Rachel could notice, Quinn turned around to get the soap and moved to let Rachel get under water. Quinn had never stopped to think about the way she lathered the soap on her body before, but at that moment she couldn't stop thinking what a fool she was looking like while doing so. Luckily, Rachel had her eyes closed and her head bent backwards as she rinsed her hair, and wouldn't realize how awkward Quinn felt. They changed sides again, and just when Rachel was ready to pour shampoo in her hand, Quinn interrupted her.

"Can I wash your hair for you?" Quinn asked while washing the soap off of her body.

Rachel nodded with a chuckle, and turned around after giving Quinn the soap bottle. Quinn poured the shampoo in her hands and rubbed them together before taking them to Rachel's hair. She worked her fingertips throughout Rachel's scalp, moving them slowly in a massage that made Rachel let out a small hum. Quinn definitely took more time than needed, which might be related to the fact that Rachel had taken a step back and their bodies were almost touching and it felt just too good to be stopped.

When Quinn was done, Rachel turned around and dropped a peck on the girl's lips as a thank you. Quinn smiled and proceed to lather her own hair, making a mohawk on the process that made Rachel laugh out loud.

"You look like a perfect rock star!" Rachel said, and Quinn sprinkled some water at Rachel's face, making her squeal.

It all felt so normal, so natural. The domesticity of the moment made Quinn's heart flutter. She allowed herself, even if just for a second, to think how it would be to share those moments every day with Rachel, for the rest of her life. She could imagine them being an old couple, and still sharing sweet and innocent moments like that one. For a while, Quinn could even forget where they were and everything they had gone through. It was just like they were a regular couple, enjoying a shower after coming home to each other. But Quinn was brought back to reality when she felt one finger running through the deep scar on her ribs.

"What's this?" Rachel asked curiously in an almost inaudible whisper, and Quinn swallowed hard.

She knew she shouldn't be afraid of telling anything for Rachel, especially after the girl had opened up to her so frankly the night before. Maybe it was the fact that they were both naked in the shower that made her feel extra vulnerable. But at the same time she was shy, she knew she had to tell Rachel. She had to show Rachel she trusted her as much as the girl trusted Quinn. Besides, if she wanted their relationship to grow, she would eventually need to come clean about her past, regardless of how awful it could be.

"Do you know why they brought me here?" Quinn asked, unsure.

"Because you were cutting?" Rachel questioned, scrunching up her nose in empathy. It was a reasonable presumption, and Quinn wished it was as simple as that.

"No…" Quinn smiled sadly, shaking her head. "I tried to kill myself. My plan was to stab myself and hit my heart, or a lung at least. But you know how people say that you can bite off your finger as easily as you bite a carrot, but your brain won't let you?" Quinn asked rhetorically, but Rachel nodded anyway. "I think something like that happened. I tried to go deeper, but I didn't have the physical strength for it. Or maybe the problem was that I needed to get right between two ribs, in a very thin space. I don't really know what happened afterwards because no one told me. I'm not sure if I managed to hit anything. I just laid on the floor and hoped I would die from lack of blood, but they found me before it happened. So yeah… Although I tried it, I couldn't do it. I knew there were easier ways to get it done, but I wanted the pain. I felt like I deserved it."

Quinn lifted her head as soon as she was done, and forced a small smile trying to get a reaction from Rachel, who just stood with her mouth hanging slightly open. She knew the girl would need some seconds to process it, and she was glad she the water was running on top of her and hiding the shy tears that streamed down her face. Talking about that day would always make her hurt. Back then, it hurt because she hated that it didn't work. Now, it hurt because she felt Rachel realizing how messed up she was. Her heart stung during Rachel's silence, in the fear that this would be the last drop that would make Rachel run away from all of that.

"I'm so glad it didn't work, Quinn…" Rachel murmured, her finger still running through the scar. "You _so_ don't deserve the pain. You don't deserve any of the bad things that happened in your life, okay? You really need to believe me. You're an amazing person, and it breaks my heart that you can't see it." Said that, Rachel leaned forward taking Quinn in a tight embrace.

Quinn had to hold back a sob. She didn't want to cry, but she felt her heart on fire hearing Rachel talking so tenderly about her. Relief washed over her. If the person she loved the most could say such things about her, how could she not believe it? If someone as perfect and pure as Rachel thought she wasn't that bad, how could she disagree? For once, she was glad it didn't work. She was glad someone found her before she died, because not even the best concept of heaven or afterlife would feel as good as having Rachel there, loving and supporting even her worst sides.

They held each other in the shower for a while longer, and Quinn wished the moment would last forever. Nothing would ever feel as right and as perfect than just holding Rachel within her arms, while her breasts brushed against the other's. It felt overwhelmingly pleasant to have someone holding her so lovingly. She couldn't remember the last time she felt a hug to be so truthful. Quinn would never get used to this: every time she thought she couldn't love Rachel more, Rachel went and did something as simple as hugging her in the moment she needed the most and ended up making her fall in love all over again.

It had been a while since Quinn last stopped to think about her medicines. But looking back now, she realized they must have been working. Not only it had been a long time since she thought about cutting, she had never again had suicide thoughts and even could see how she shouldn't have tried the first time. She still felt bitter about the fact that she would never be able to live a normal life without taking medicines daily, but it felt comforting to know that they made it able for her to be hopeful again.

Silence fell upon them; Quinn had felt the mood changing as soon she told her story. Suddenly the mist and steam of the hot water seemed much more fitting to the sad feeling in the air. They finished their showers with almost no words said, but Quinn was constantly reassured by how much sweeter Rachel was acting. The girl made sure to be physically touching Quinn at all times, even if it meant just resting their shoulders together. It was almost as Rachel knew that if she didn't hold Quinn, Quinn wouldn't be able to hold herself together for much longer. She had never shared this story with anyone, and it still hurt to visit those wounds.

That night, they slept so close to each other and holding each other so tightly that Quinn felt like they had become one.

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 **A/N: Whew, those have been two intense chapters.** **The girls have been through a lot...** **I hope I didn't scare you all! Tell me what you think!**


	29. Keep you safe: Chapter 28

**A/N:** I'm happy to see you guys didn't give up on me after the last couple chapters! This is one is much less intense, to lighten up the mood.

I hope you like it! Let me know what you think :)

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Chapter 28 - Keep you safe until you fall asleep.

When Quinn woke up, Rachel was still asleep. That was something that rarely happened, but that night Quinn was more agitated than usual. She tossed and turned more times than she could count, and when she saw the sun rising she officially gave up and decided to just get up. Beth was visiting again that day, and she was just too anxious to be able to have a good night of sleep. She didn't care, though. She could make up for the lost sleep on the next day and it would all be fine. What made her nervous though, was that Rachel wouldn't wake up already so that she could share her anxiety with someone.

Quinn felt nervous for being so excited about the visit. A feeling deep inside of her kept telling her something could happen and that perhaps Beth wouldn't come. There were just a lot of things that could go wrong between the time she woke up and the time Beth was supposed to arrive. But she missed the tiny girl so much that the pessimistic voice in her head didn't stand a chance against the anticipated excitement she felt. Quinn had already showered and dressed up for the day when Rachel started moving in bed, ready to wake up.

"You're up early!" Rachel grumbled, in a husky sleep voice as she stretched her arms. "That's why the bed felt so cold..."

"Morning, love." Quinn whispered back, braiding her hair in front of the mirror. "Beth is coming today. I was too anxious to be able to sleep."

"Mhm, I know." Rachel giggled, getting up and leaving a kiss on Quinn's shoulder before making her way to the bathroom. She got her toothbrush, and talked in mumbles while brushing her teeth. "It's only after lunch though, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm just _so_ anxious. I'm so excited. I can't wait to see her again." Quinn sighed with a smile, sitting on the bed and swinging her legs as she watched Rachel go on with her morning rituals. "I wish I had something to give her. Like a gift, or something, to make up for past birthdays and Christmases."

"Well maybe we can make something!" Rachel exclaimed, after spitting on the sink and washing her mouth. She exited the bathroom and stopped by the door, looking at Quinn. "Like we did our Valentine's gifts, you know?" She suggested.

"Mhm, that does sound nice. But like, what could we make? I don't know what kids like..." Quinn asked, trying to come up with an idea while Rachel browsed her clothes. "Oh! We could make little paper crowns! And have like, a princess tea party! Do you think she would like it? Do you think she likes tea?" Quinn questioned nervously, with her nose scrunched up.

"Probably not!" Rachel giggled, picking up a dress and showing it for Quinn who gave her thumbs up. "But I bet she will love the crowns and the princess tea party idea. And we could take milk instead. And cookies, maybe!"

"That's a good idea! Kids like cookies, right? We can have a little picnic!" Quinn said with so much excitement in her voice that her swinging legs couldn't catch up.

"I can make the crowns while you make her a nice drawing. Like a drawing of you two together, or something like that. So that she can take it home and be reminded of you every time she sees it!" Rachel suggested, finishing to tie her hair up in a ponytail and fixing her bangs.

"You really have the best ideas ever. I'm _so_ anxious!" Quinn let out a small squeal. "Let's go!" She said, getting up and high-fiving Rachel before getting the girl's hand and heading out of the door and towards the crafts room.

* * *

Quinn was more talkative than ever during lunch. She only contained herself when she realized they had been receiving looks from every other table at the cafeteria and it was starting to make Rachel nervous. But it wasn't her fault she had so much to share. She swallowed all her food, barely chewing any of it, because she just wanted lunch to be over already so that she could get time with her baby daughter again.

They barely announced her visit waited in the backyard and Quinn was already running down the hallway with Rachel attached to her hand. As usual, she had a few nurses yell at them about how no running on the hallways were allowed, but she had long time mastered the art of ignoring them.

Quinn's heart turned upside down when looking through the glass door she saw Beth noticing her and running in her direction with opened arms. Quinn let go of Rachel's hand and raced through the door, catching the little girl halfway in a tight hug and spinning her around while Beth giggled and squealed. She didn't want to, but before she could help there were tears flooding her eyes again.

"Hey, baby" Quinn whispered, gripping tighter in the embrace and swallowing her tears so that she wouldn't make Beth concerned. "I missed you so much!" She whispered, sniffling the tiny girl's blonde hair. It smelled almost as sweet as Rachel's.

"Me too, mama! But you're gonna crush me! Help!" Beth squealed, trying to get out of Quinn's hug playfully and making Shelby chuckle. Quinn loosened it up and tickled the little girl, who shrieked louder.

Although Quinn thought everything just couldn't get any better, it seemed that luck was on her side on that day. Shelby asked if it was okay if she left Beth there with Quinn for a couple hours so that she could run some errands, and so that they could have a little baby-mama time. Quinn could swear her heart wouldn't fit in her chest from so much love and gratefulness it held as she accepted the request. It also made her proud to see that Beth trusted her enough to say goodbye to her mother and be happy to spend the day with Quinn, even though they had only seen each other once before. For Quinn it was clear that Beth felt the same undeniable bond that would tie them together forever.

"So, Beth… We have a little surprise for you!" Rachel grinned, and looked back at Quinn while keeping the surprise behind her back. Beth raised an eyebrow – just like Quinn always did when she was dubious – before trying to get to see what Rachel was hiding. "We've made you a crown!"

Beth's mouth fell to the ground and she started jumping around, trying to get the pink glittery crown from Rachel's hand. Quinn realized how tall Beth was for her age, since at her tiptoes she was almost able to reach the crowns Rachel held up high. Granted, Rachel wasn't the tallest one around, but Quinn was still impressed at how fast Beth was growing and how much she was missing on. On the other hand, Quinn was glad she had let Rachel take care of the crowns, because apparently Rachel and Beth had the same undying appreciation for anything that shined so bright you could see from a mile away.

"Come here, I'll give it to you!" Said Quinn, taking the crown from Rachel's hand and carefully placing it on top of the thin blonde hair. Quinn took a pin out of her braid and stick it to Beth's hair, to make sure the crown wouldn't fall as the little girl played around. "I'm proud to crown you my princess, lady Beth!"

"And I'm proud to crown you my queen!" Said Rachel, getting another pink crown and placing it on top of Quinn's head, who blinked astonished while Beth clapped between squeals. Quinn turned back and held back the urge to give Rachel a kiss right there.

"Don't you get one?" Beth asked desolately, realizing Rachel was the only one left without a crown. "Perhaps we could share mine…" She offered, and Quinn was elated to see that her girl was already more empathetic than she was, even at such young age. Quinn wanted nothing more than to make sure Beth wouldn't make the same mistakes she did, and caring for others was definitely something Quinn had a hard time doing until very recently.

"I do, yes! I'm very well-prepared!" Rachel answered, showing Beth the one last pink crown. "Would you like to crown me, princess Beth?" She asked, kneeling on the floor so that Beth could reach up to her.

"Yes!" The little girl answered excitedly, getting the crown from Rachel's hand and trying to balance it on top of her head. "I crown you Rachel! Okay! Now we need a ball! And princes, maybe!" Beth wouldn't stop skipping excitedly, and Quinn wondered how someone so small could hold so much life. She had never been a very energetic child, but she loved seeing the trait on Beth.

"Well, that wasn't on my plans but it can definitely be arranged! The ball part, I mean. Because we won't be getting any princes near you until you're at least thirty." Quinn said, getting a huge pout and huff from Beth that only made it clear that Quinn couldn't keep all of her bad quirks out of the little girl.

Quinn got Beth on her arms and, after a spin, walked towards Rachel. She got their bodies closer together until Beth was safely held between both of them. Quinn took Rachel's hand and wrapped her other arm around the girl's waist, while Beth clung to her neck, still unsure if she could trust the two women to hold her. Slowly, Quinn started to lead a slow dance. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead against Rachel's, as Beth leaned against her shoulder and the three of them swung to an imaginary song.

"See Beth? We don't need no prince to have fun!" Rachel murmured, and Quinn had to once more hold herself back from leaning and dropping a kiss on the brunette's lips – but she just didn't want to risk having Beth tell Shelby about them, because deep inside she was afraid Shelby wouldn't take it well and would end up trying to get Beth away from her. She couldn't handle that. Not after knowing how amazing it felt to be close to Beth.

"I know!" Beth said with so much certainty that Quinn wondered if the little girl subconsciously knew what she was so afraid to tell. "My mom doesn't have a prince either, and she turned out fine. I just wanted one because of their pretty white horses. I like horses a lot!"

Rachel chuckled at how smart Beth was for her age, and Quinn's heart bloated with pride. It took her too long to realize she didn't need a man in her life to be happy, and she was glad Beth wouldn't go through the same hardships. With a kiss on the child's forehead, she put her down and squeezed Rachel's hand before letting it go.

"And you know what Beth?" Quinn asked, and Beth perked up looking at Quinn and waiting for her to tell what was it. "We have also arranged a princess tea party for you."

"Really?" Beth yelled excitedly, startling Rachel who was kneeling on the floor by a backpack and getting their stuff out. Quinn giggled and nodded to Beth, sitting on the grass and tapping it by her side telling Beth to sit there. The little girl abode immediately, with big curious eyes trying to get a peek of the next thing Rachel would take off her backpack.

"Although instead of tea, we actually have apple juice. Which is just so much better right?" Rachel asked with her nose scrunched up, getting a violent nod from Beth who reached out her arms trying to get one of the boxes from Rachel's hand. "And we also have – my personal favorite – chocolate chip cookies!"

One of the perks of having a good behavior was the fact that the nurses were way more likely to accept requests like those. In the past Quinn could never have managed to convince someone to let them take food outside for a picnic without having to bribe or manipulate them. But she was trying to be a better version of herself, and she could tell it was working when she had rewards like those. Seeing how Beth was thrilled and seeing her eyes shining brightly made Quinn know every fight she had with herself to control her emotions were worth it.

"I bet I can fit more cookies in my mouth than you!" Beth said with widened eyes, challenging Rachel who was eager to accept it before Quinn intervened.

"I don't think that's a good idea, baby. You're gonna have a bellyache if you eat too many too fast. Both of you, actually." She chuckled, getting a pout from Beth and an even bigger one from Rachel. Quinn was enjoying too much seeing how well the two of them got along, and when she reached out to get another cookie, Beth grabbed her arm.

"Mama! You got a booboo!" Beth said in surprise, pulling the sleeve of Quinn's cardigan and seeing the now faint scars all over her wrists. Quinn froze. She knew she didn't have enough time to freak out or to think too much about what she would say. Beth looked at her waiting for a response, and she knew she had to be the adult at that moment. She had to be a mother and think of her child before thinking of her own internal conflicts.

"Yeah… Mama is silly sometimes." She replied casually, hoping Beth wouldn't go any further on it. "I'm getting all better already, though." Quinn said, reassuring Beth's worried eyes.

"I'll kiss it better for you" Said Beth, leaning and dropping a kiss on Quinn's wrist. Quinn smiled sadly, and Rachel squeezed her leg in reward for her bravery. "I got a couple too, see?" Beth said, showing a bruise on her leg. Quinn hoped those were the only kind of bruises Beth would ever had. She immediately leaned and mimicked the action, giving the bruise a kiss and bringing a huge smile on Beth's face. "Now you kiss it." Beth told Rachel, but remembered quickly she needed to complete her sentence. "Please?" And so Rachel did.

It amazed Quinn how simple everything was for Beth. She missed having everything being so easy in life. She wished the type of booboo she had could be cured with just a kiss. Not the booboos in her arms and thighs, but the big ugly booboo she carried inside of her everyday. She could only wish Beth would never need to understand what those were.

"What else do you have there?" Beth asked Rachel, pointing to the backpack. Quinn could see the little girl containing herself to not go and look what was inside, and giggled at her curiosity.

"Mhm, let's see…" Said Rachel, grabbing the backpack and taking out a book she and Quinn had picked out at the library. It was one of the few they had that could be read for a child, and Quinn wanted Beth to always remember being read to, just like Quinn remembered her grandmother. "We have this book. Would you like it if I read it for you?"

Beth nodded vigorously, and Rachel leaned against the tree to start reading. Quinn laid her head on Rachel's lap and brought Beth to lay on her shoulder, wrapping her arm around the little girl while Rachel's lulling voice filled the air with the sweet story.

Quinn soon realized Beth was just too active to be still and hear the story. Beth played with Quinn's hair, ran her hand drawing each single flower in Quinn's dress with her finger, fiddled with Quinn's hand and simply glazed at Quinn's face while stroking it. Beth was a touchy feely kind of child, and although Quinn never appreciated people touching her without warning, she didn't mind at all having Beth's small finger caressing her cheek.

It was one of the surprises life gave her, and she realized that although she would never have asked for it, she couldn't get anything better than that. Beth was the complete opposite of her in that sense, and she was happy to learn how to be more affectionate, even more when she had Beth as her teacher at the tender age of three. It felt like Beth was doing her best to enjoy the moment, and as if with every touch she tried to memorize how Quinn felt. Quinn knew this was the type of thing that would make their time apart easier, for both of them.

Rachel finished the story, and Quinn didn't even realize. She was just too lost in the moment, enjoying the cuddles with the two girls she loved the most. Beth kept poking Quinn's nose and cheeks humming a song, and Rachel decided to join her.

"What song is that?" Quinn scrunched up her nose, feeling left out for being the only one who didn't know what music they were humming to.

"How can you not know this song?" Rachel asked in disbelief. "Tell her, Beth!" Said Rachel, and Beth rolled her eyes timidly before starting to sing in a murmur.

"Skidamarink a dink a dink, skidamarink a doo…" Beth sang, waiting for Quinn to complete her sentence, but Quinn lifted her shoulders in a shrug and shook her head with raised eyebrows. Beth huffed perplexed, and Rachel went on.

"I – love – you!" Rachel completed. "Seriously, Quinn? Everyone knows this song." She said in a giggle, shaking her head.

"I love you in the morning, and in the afternoon, I love you in the evening, and underneath the moon, oooh!" Beth sang, growing more excited as she went on.

"Skidamarink a dink a dink, skidamarink a doo…" Sang Rachel.

"I – love – you!" Beth and Rachel finished in unison, and Quinn clapped her hands with the biggest smile on her face.

"This is now my new favorite song. And you guys are my favorite singers!" Quinn murmured, giving a kiss on Rachel's hand and another on Beth's.

Time went on with a little more singing and a lot more cuddling. Timidly, Quinn started running her fingers through Beth's hair while the girl kept pulling Quinn's ear gently, while Rachel still hummed nursery rhymes. In a blink they found Beth deep asleep in Quinn's arms. At that moment, Quinn could only think of two things. First, how grateful she was for being able to spend time with such an amazing and loving child. And second, how she once heard that children would only sleep in the arms of people they trust and love.

When Shelby arrived to take Beth back, Quinn had again to fight the urge to cry and to fight even harder her arms which insisted on holding Beth tightly and never letting her go.

"I love you, mama! I'll miss you!"

* * *

"Rach?" Quinn asked, when they were both already laying down in bed and ready to sleep. Rachel looked up with sleepy eyes, and Quinn went on. "I'm sorry..."

"For what?" Rachel asked, with a confused frown.

"For taking so long to tell you that I loved you, even though I knew it from the moment you walked right through this door." Quinn sighed, cupping Rachel's cheek and looking deep in her eyes.

"Quinn, don't worry about that…" Rache shook her head. "Where did that come from? It feels out of nowhere. I thought we had already talked about this." Rachel asked with a small chuckle, placing her hand on top of Quinn's and caressing it.

"I think today I understood why it took me so long. While you guys were singing, it amazed me so much… And then I wondered why had I never heard that song before, and then it all hit me. My parents weren't affectionate. They were never like that. I mean, they acted like the best couple around people, but when we were home alone I've never seen them being… couply. But besides that, and what I believe affected me the most, I don't remember hearing them telling me they loved me. I cannot remember one single time they told me. Isn't that so weird?" Quinn asked, but Rachel didn't answer, giving her only a sad smile instead. "No one ever taught me how to express my feelings. Perhaps that's also the reason why it took me so long to figure out I never loved any of the boys I used to date."

"Well, it was a pleasure being your teacher. You sure are a fast learner!" Rachel replied, leaning and dropping a kiss on the tip of Quinn's nose. "I loved our afternoon today. I love seeing you interacting with Beth. You guys are so alike it scares me."

"You really think so?" Quinn asked, scrunching up her nose in a proud grin. "I see myself in her sometimes, but I find it even weirder how she can be her own person already, even being so young. She's so perfect. It's just… overwhelming." Quinn stopped herself, although she felt like she could go on for days just talking about how amazing her daughter was. "And I'm so happy you two get along! She seems to like you a lot. I'm glad she got my good taste for girls..." Quinn smirked playfully, taking Rachel's lips in a soft kiss. Rachel rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Goodnight, Quinn. I love you."

"I love you too… the mostest."

* * *

Quinn fell asleep fast. Waking up early and playing with Beth all day had worn her off. She was sure she was off to a good night of sleep, and hoped her dreams would be gentle on her and let her remember her afternoon for a while longer. But Rachel was moving a lot more than usual, and tugging and clinging on her tighter than most nights. Quinn opened her eyes eventually and turned around to find Rachel biting her lip and with her eyes shut tightly.

"Hey..." Quinn whispered, brushing the girls bangs away. "Is everything okay?"

Rachel opened her eyes and smile for half a second, before glancing quickly to the door and hiding her face back on Quinn's neck.

"They're here." Rachel murmured against Quinn's neck. Quinn swallowed hard, holding her closer. She wished she could see them like Rachel could. She just wished there was something she could do. She wanted to chase them away, but she felt useless when she couldn't even know where they stood. Rachel shook lightly, and Quinn knew she was hearing something Quinn could also never hear.

"Shh… Don't worry. You're safe. I won't let go off you. They would never be able to pass me to get to you." Quinn tried to reassure Rachel, running her hand through the girl's hair. She hoped her words were loud enough so that Rachel couldn't hear anything else.

"I know. I'm okay. I'll be okay." Rachel whispered back, and although her voice failed Quinn could see she was telling the truth. "I know you'll protect me and I know they can't do anything besides fill my head. It's just… unsettling, you know. To have them watching me." Said Rachel. She trusted Quinn, and Quinn was glad she could help somehow. "I'm not scared because they could get me." Rachel said, getting a confused frown from Quinn. "I'm scared the most because I know that if they're here, it means my medicine isn't working again."


	30. You showed me love: Chapter 29

A/N: WE'VE GOT 100 REVIEWS! You guys have no idea how happy that makes me! Thanks to everyone that took one moment of their day to leave me your thoughts in here, I really appreciate it! And this chapter is a reward to all of you! Hope you enjoy, and review again ;)

* * *

Chapter 29 - You showed me love was all you needed

Quinn had noticed Rachel was awaken, since the girl wasn't the one to be exactly still for too long. Although she could see the light coming in from the blinds she was too tired from the bumpy night they had, and decided to pretend to be still asleep in hopes that Rachel would fall back asleep for at least a little while. However, her hopes were washed out as she felt Rachel trying to sneak away from her arms to get up.

"No..." Quinn growled, holding her tighter. "I'm not letting you go. It's just way too early to get up. Let's sleep some more." She murmured, with her eyes closed and already drifting back to sleep.

"Come on, baby." Rachel chuckled, trying to move Quinn's arm and sighing when realizing Quinn was stronger than her. "I'm tired of being in bed. Get up with me!" Said Rachel, getting an ironic chuckle from Quinn. "Come on! Please! It's my day, you should do the things I wanna do."

"Your day?" Quinn asked, opening her eyes slightly with knit eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"It's my birthday." Rachel answered with a shrug, and Quinn's eyes shot opened as she turned to face Rachel.

"What do you mean it's your birthday?" Quinn asked astonished, getting one more shrug in response. "Rachel! How did I not know this sooner? Why didn't you tell me?" She asked perplexed. She simply couldn't believe she hadn't figured it out sooner. Rachel didn't need her to tell when her birthday was. Rachel just knew it.

"I don't know. It doesn't matter, actually." Rachel replied, and Quinn pulled her face gently to make Rachel look in her eyes. She knew this attitude didn't fit Rachel, and wanted to understand what really was going on behind the shrug.

"Hey, of course it matters! As you said so yourself, it's your day! I could have planned something nice for you… A surprise maybe. I mean, I don't know. But it's important to me! I wish you had told me!" Quinn frowned, and Rachel shook her head brushing Quinn's cheek with her thumb.

"No, don't be upset. It's just that… I don't know. I didn't celebrate it last year because I didn't want to have people around. And I thought it would be weird to celebrate in here too so... I guess I was kind of trying to ignore it." Rachel reasoned and Quinn bit her lip. She couldn't disagree, since she didn't like spending her birthday there either. "I don't want it to be a big deal. The only thing today reminds me is that I just wasted one more year of my life because I wasn't able to live normally."

"Okay." Quinn agreed with a nod. "We won't make a big deal out of it, then. It will just be and you, like it has always been. Just us, and we'll try to make your day the best it can be, alright? While still keeping everything low-key, at least." Rachel smiled, and Quinn smiled even bigger, feeling accomplished for getting Rachel at least a little bit happier on her day. "And for starters, I'll give you the best present ever. Which is having your girlfriend awake _and_ in a good mood at such early morning!" She said proudly, sitting up and placing her hands on her hips with a smirk.

"You've never called yourself my girlfriend before!" Rachel said in a squeal, pulling Quinn by the cheeks for a peck on the lips. " _That_ might be the best present I could get." She completed. Quinn would always be amused by how easy it was to cheer Rachel up. She was glad she was the one to always do so.

"Well, I guess it was pretty obvious by now, right?" Quinn rolled her eyes shyly, but smiled furthered because no one could enjoy Rachel's million small kisses more than she did. She grinned, and licked her lip before Rachel dropped one last peck there.

"Yeah, but it's still nice to hear it. And it's even nicer to know you're finally able to say this kind of stuff, which I know used to scare you." Rachel said apprehensively. Quinn knew exactly what she meant, and she also felt good saying it.

"I still think they're scary, because I'm afraid what other people would think if they heard it. But what I've realized is that you're the only one I care about. You're the one meant to listen to this. I shouldn't care what anyone else thinks but you. And I know you don't _really_ mind, so it will all be fine." Said Quinn while looking deep into Rachel's eyes and seeing them growing brighter at each word. She knew Rachel was always happy when Quinn would share her feelings with her.

"You're such a sweetheart, Quinn… I love you!" Rachel said with a grin, taking Quinn in a tight hug.

"I love you too. And happy birthday, by the way." Quinn giggled, but then hummed, taking the courage to ask what was bothering her. "You know, I've always wanted to know. How did you find out about _my_ birthday?"

"Oh… This is embarrassing – and I hope you won't be mad." Rachel confessed, hiding her face in Quinn's collarbone. "I read your chart. In my defense, it was only because I wanted to know the reason why you left me here alone everyday."

"Aww!" Quinn cooed, dropping a kiss on the top of Rachel's head. "It's okay. I almost read your whole file, actually. But I gave up because I didn't want to know things you didn't want to tell me. I guess I should have read at least when your birthday was, to be more prepared for today. I guess I'm not such a smart-ass." She played.

* * *

"Grab a cupcake!" Quinn whispered in Rachel's ear while they waited in line for dessert at the cafeteria. Rachel looked at her with a confused frown, and Quinn bumped her elbow on her, motioning for her to just do as she was told.

"Why? They have cookies! I would rather have a cookie." Rachel complained with a pout. As if Quinn didn't know it already. Rachel and her undying love for cookies weren't no surprise at all.

"Rach!" Quinn stomped her feet playfully with a giggle. "It's not called a birthday cookie, it's called birthday _cake."_

"Well, it's not a birthday _cupcake_ either!" Rachel whined in a murmur, and Quinn shook her head.

"Ugh, alright. Just get the cookie and I'll get the cupcake, okay?" Quinn sighed with a smile, picking up her tray with the dessert and walking back to the table. She could let Rachel win on her birthday. As soon as they sat down, Quinn took the cookie from Rachel's tray and placed it on top of the cupcake.

"No! That's mine!" Rachel cried, reaching out and trying to get it back. Quinn rolled her eyes with a giggle.

"Relax, Rach. I'm not eating your cookie. I'm making you a cookie cupcake so that we can sing happy birthday to you. Even though we won't have any candles, sadly." Quinn explained, before starting to murmur the happy birthday song, low enough that only the two of them could hear it. " _Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rachel, happy birthday to you!_ " However, it was enough to make Rachel slightly nervous, and she looked around to be sure other people weren't staring at them. Luckily, no one was.

"You're ridiculous." Rachel rolled her eyes playfully with a smirk, quickly getting the cookie off the cupcake and cleaning the frosting out of it.

"You love me, though." Quinn replied, taking a bite of the cupcake and scrunching up her nose when the frosting hit its tip. Rachel leaned and wiped it clean with her thumb, licking it afterwards. Quinn knew that even though she wouldn't admit it, Rachel liked when Quinn did small silly things for her.

* * *

During the whole day, Quinn was more attentive than ever. She always made sure Rachel was having a nice time, even while they were just laying idly in their bed and cuddling. Rachel wasn't difficult to please. Quinn was more than happy to find out that Rachel asked for nothing more than love, which she had a plethora of to give. But Quinn still felt the need to do something special. Something Rachel could forever think of, if it ever came a time where they weren't together anymore.

Quinn walked Rachel to her therapist appointment, like every other day, but while Rachel was in there she roamed around the whole floor. She looked for something that could eventually become a meaningful moment for them. Rachel's appointment wouldn't last for too long, but Quinn was lucky enough to find what she needed before it was over. As soon as Rachel came out, Quinn was right by the door waiting for her.

"Hi!" Rachel smiled blissfully and gleamed upon seeing Quinn holding a pearly white string with a balloon attached to it. "Where did you get that?" She asked, reaching out to get the balloon but frowning when Quinn stopped her and pulled the balloon further away.

"It was hanging at the common room, probably from the last communal birthday party." Quinn answered casually, taking Rachel's hand and starting to walk down the hallway. "How was your session?"

"It was okay." Rachel nodded, but kept the frown on her face for a few minutes before gathering the courage to ask Quinn. "Why won't you give me my balloon?"

"I'm going to, just wait a minute." Quinn said with a giggle at the girl's dubious frown. Rachel had less patient than a three year old child.

"Where are we going?" Rachel asked once more, looking to her side and seeing they had walked past their bedroom. She was more nervous than she would like to be, and Quinn noticed it.

"Outside." Quinn answered and Rachel's eyes went huge, so she felt the need to be more specific. "Not outside _outside,_ we're going to the backyard."

"Oh okay." Rachel sighed in relief. "What for?" And the curious frown was back.

"You're very curious for such a small person." Quinn answered with a chuckle. "Just trust me, okay? I wanna do something for you."

It would have been easier to just tell Rachel what Quinn was planning, but it was priceless to see Rachel's fingers fidgeting anxiously and her squinting look as she tried hard to find out what was going to happen. But Quinn could only push her so far, and soon enough they were at the backyard, under the very same tree they had shared so many moments.

"Alright! Now what?" Rachel asked, rubbing her hands excitedly.

"Okay, so..." Quinn started, and then took a deep breath and licked her lip before continuing. "I thought that maybe, since we are stuck in here, this balloon could be our way out. We can set it free, and it will take our love outside, even though we cannot go there. Not yet, at least. You could make your wishes, and I'll make mine, and we will release it together. I mean, I don't know if you believe in God or anything." She stopped for a second, and huffed sadly. "Actually, I'm not even sure if _I_ believe at those things. But I hope that this balloon will get high enough that if there's any God out there, it will be reached and it will look after us and after what we have together."

"Quinn, that's beautiful!" Rachel whispered, brushing her thumb on Quinn's hand with the silliest smile on her face. "I love it. I love you!"

"Okay, okay, good! Let's do it, then!" Quinn grinned in contentment that Rachel had liked the idea as much as she did, and then passed the balloon to be held by their intertwined hands. They exchanged a look that words could never explain, and Quinn swallowed dryly when a shiver ran down her spine.

"How funny would it be if our hands slipped and the balloon went loose before everything?" Rachel asked in a chuckle, breaking their eye contact and making Quinn blink a few times as the words settled inside her mind.

"Oh my God! Don't ruin our moment!" Quinn whined, nudging her with the shoulders.

"Okay, sorry!" Rachel giggled, but straightened up and closed her eyes with Quinn.

Quinn took way longer than she thought she would to pick her wish.

It wasn't easy to formulate a wish that was balanced in the sense of not being selfish, but still bringing her what she wanted the most: a future with Rachel.

She considered wishing they would always be together, but she couldn't do so if that meant Rachel being stuck there with her forever. Then, she thought of wishing that she would get out. But she couldn't even deal with the thought of getting out if Rachel wasn't outside with her. Besides, it seemed more fitting to wish that Rachel would get better.

In the end, she realized it all came down to one simple wish: that Rachel would live happily for the rest of her life. Because Quinn knew nothing would ever make her as happy as seeing Rachel's sparkling eyes and shiny smile. It didn't matter if Rachel got out and she didn't. It didn't matter if they both got out and Rachel didn't want to be with her anymore.

All that mattered was Rachel's happiness.

Curiosity was killing Quinn, and she would die to know what Rachel had wished for. But even though she wasn't the one to believe in most superstitions, she thought it would be better to not push her luck - since people said if you tell someone your wish it won't come true. And she wanted all of Rachel's wishes to come true, even more because that was the only way her own wish could come true.

"Ready?" Rachel murmured, when Quinn finally opened her eyes and locked with Rachel's again. Quinn nodded with a smile, and gripped Rachel's hand tighter. "Okay. 1… 2… 3! Go!"

And with a release of hands, their dreams flew away to a place they could only dream of going to.

* * *

"Alright." Said Quinn, after changing into her pajamas and stopping by the bed where Rachel already laid down. "Any last requests? Anything special to end your day?"

"Mhm, no..." Rachel smiled, pulling Quinn by her arms to get to bed. "I think we're good. Let's just cuddle for a moment!" She said, patting the bed right next to her side.

"Such a cuddle monster." Quinn said playfully, rolling her eyes and laying down by Rachel's side. She was more than happy to oblige. Her arms instinctively flown to be around Rachel's waist, and she sighed happily. If a moment could be a home, this was hers. Nothing soothed her more than knowing that regardless of how bad her day had been, it would aways end well as long as she could just lay and cuddle with Rachel.

"As if you didn't like it, right?" Rachel replied, poking Quinn in the ribs and making her giggle. "Today was such a good day… Thank you for everything, Quinn." She said, looking at Quinn with so much gratefulness in her eyes that Quinn could swear her heart melted at least a little.

"Come on… No need to thank me, babe. I'm glad I was able to make your day a little bit better." Quinn purred into Rachel's collarbone, with her eyes closed and inhaling Rachel's sweet scent like her life depended on it.

Rachel smiled and gently pulled Quinn by the chin to get the girl to look at her. Quinn fluttered her eyes open, and licked her lips nervously as Rachel stared deep in to her soul. This was something that had happened since the very first time their eyes met. Quinn always felt like Rachel could see much more than she was showing every time they held eye contact for a little bit longer than usual.

With a swift movement, Rachel cupped Quinn's cheek and brought her face closer, getting Quinn's lips between hers. Quinn shivered in surprise. Rachel usually wasn't the one to start intense kisses or anything more than a peck, and Quinn understood her reasons. But when she did was always electrifying, and Quinn cherished every single one of those kisses, while hoping they happened more often.

Quinn parted her lips and without hesitation Rachel sneaked her tongue inside. Rachel was taking more action than she normally did, and Quinn figured it could be her way of saying thank you for the day they had. Her tongue travelled slowly, carrying the so loved taste throughout all of Quinn's mouth. Their tongues swayed together so perfectly that Quinn had to move her hand to Rachel's back, taking a grip on the girl's shirt. Kissing Rachel made her feel like falling, and she was afraid if she didn't have something to hold on to she would crash.

Rachel smiled into the kiss upon Quinn's action, and sucked lightly on Quinn's tongue. Quinn saw a constellation of stars behind her closed eyes, and let out a whimper that only seemed to encourage Rachel more. She nibbled Quinn's bottom lip and Quinn knew she was getting way too close to the ground. She crossed her legs tightly and took a deep breath, but her tongue slipped out to moist Rachel's lips. She knew the crash would hurt too much, and although her whole body told her to continue forever and keep falling, her mind convinced her she had to stop.

"Mhm, I think we better go to sleep." Quinn murmured, pulling away just slightly and licking her own lips to get the last hint of Rachel's taste that remained there.

"I thought..." Rachel said, keeping her eyes closed and pulling Quinn into one more peck before continuing. "I thought maybe we could sleep a little later today."

Quinn's eyes shot open wide, until she considered that Rachel hadn't meant it the way she had understood. But Rachel looked up to her apprehensively, and Quinn wanted to pinch herself to be sure she hadn't just fallen asleep into a dream. The best one yet.

"Rach, are you sure?" Quinn asked carefully. When she saw no doubt in Rachel's eyes, her heart skipped a beat. So this was how she was going to die, after all.

"Yeah..." Rachel replied with a shy smile and a nod. "I mean… I'm not ready to, uh, _receive_ anything yet. But I know you are. And I know I can give it to you. And I want to." She said, sounding provocative in a way Quinn had never seen. Her voice was huskier, and Quinn let out a small moan just from hearing it against her ear.

"Rach, you don't need to. I'm good, I swear." Quinn tested a little further, although she could feel her body hating her for not taking the chance at the instance. She didn't want Rachel to regret anything tomorrow morning. Even more considering that it was her birthday – this could ruin her birthday forever if anything didn't go well. "If this about your birthday, and wanting to thank me-"

"Quinn!" Rachel interrupted, covering Quinn's mouth with her palm. "I _want_ to. This isn't about anything but you and me and the love between us. Just… Will you let me?" She asked as her cheeks became pink, and Quinn felt butterflies coming back to her stomach. She couldn't pick which version she loved the most: shy Rachel or sexy Rachel. Quinn nodded silently. "There's one thing though..." Rachel completed.

"What?" Quinn asked with a curious frown. She shut her mind down before it could start thinking too much.

"I have never… _Done it_ with a girl before." Rachel said quietly, and Quinn's heart fluttered watching shy Rachel coming back to her. "I don't really know what to do. Could you, perhaps, lead me? I don't know." She said timidly, getting a small giggle from Quinn.

"I've never done it with a girl either, baby. I'll show you what makes me feel good and we can learn together. Okay?" She asked in a smile, and Rachel nodded. It was amusing for Quinn to see how Rachel had no idea of her power. If with a simple kiss she could make Quinn feel better than she had ever felt while laying down with boys, she had no doubt Rachel would be amazing in whatever she tried – no experience required.

Leaning in, Quinn resumed the kiss. Her mouth could barely keep up with her racing mind, and knowing that this time the kiss would actually be the beginning to something bigger made her whole body shudder. Rachel's tongue worked its way back to Quinn's mouth while she climbed on top of the blonde. Quinn worried her heart wouldn't be able to handle the anticipation, as it beat faster and faster with each movement Rachel did.

Quinn felt Rachel's hand wandering down her side. She took a deep breath to help her maintain sanity when Rachel's fingers brushed against her skin as they slipped under Quinn's tank top. Goosebumps rose at every inch Rachel touched on her way up, and Quinn froze as if she was afraid that any movement could stop Rachel. After a second, she realized she was holding Rachel's bottom lip between her teeth and flickered her tongue there before releasing it.

When Rachel finally reached the bare skin of Quinn's breast, Quinn let a moan slip out. She knew she couldn't be loud in any circumstances, since the last thing she needed at the moment was to be interrupted by a nurse worried about the noise. But she knew the low moan would show Rachel she was enjoying and encourage the girl to be bolder. Rachel squeezed the flesh and sucked Quinn's lip at the same time, and Quinn was completely fold under the girl's touch.

Quinn tangled her hand in Rachel's hair, pulling her impossibly closer and letting her tongue dance in the rhythm of Rachel's grips. But even though she didn't want to hush Rachel, her body kept asking for more. She parted the kiss for a second, and moved her mouth to Rachel's ear, where she let her tongue play with the lobe before whispering.

"Nipple."

Rachel abode promptly and moved her fingers to the thinner skin. She circled it with the tip of a finger, and grabbed the bump with a gentle pinch that made Quinn's back arch. Once more, Quinn was glad of how perceptive Rachel was. She understood every single one of Quinn's reactions, and acted up on it. Quinn felt the room getting hotter and panted at every grip of Rachel's fingers. Her body was on fire, and she had to take Rachel's lips back to prevent herself from letting too much get out of her mouth.

But a pressure was building up inside her, and she knew there was only one way to discharge. Quinn release her hand from Rachel's hair and grabbed her hand instead. Rachel jumped slightly in surprise from the sudden movement, and Quinn squeezed her hand to reassure her she hadn't done anything wrong.

"Please, touch me." Quinn growled lowly as she guided Rachel's hand through her stomach all the way to the waist of her shorts. Rachel understood it immediately, letting her fingers slid under Quinn's shorts and panties, and only when they reached her center Quinn felt how wet she was. Rachel's finger roamed through, spreading the moist even further. When Rachel's index reached Quinn's clit, Quinn winced with a moan into Rachel's mouth, gripping the girl's arm.

Rachel finger moved in a growing pace, and Quinn panted. She felt like she was drowning, but getting to the surface to breath was the last thing on her mind. She realized she was no longer able to coordinate her mouth in the sloppy kiss, and let her head fall into the pillow, pulling away. Between half-opened eyelids, Quinn watched Rachel looking down and admiring every response from her body. Quinn closed her eyes again, conscious that she was getting close.

"Faster." She cried out.

Rachel's fingers worked briskly around the clit, and Quinn whimpered before biting her own lips to try to keep herself quiet. But her breathing grew faster and faster, and she wrapped her arm around Rachel's neck in a tight embrace to keep them close to each other. Quinn gasped for air and with one last brush, she felt her whole body coming apart under Rachel's hand. Between long sighs, she grabbed Rachel's hand to keep it still as she felt her whole body rocking and shaking under Rachel's weight.

Rachel moved her hand away and leaned for a soft kiss, dropping pecks on Quinn's lips as she slowly came back to her senses. Quinn opened her eyes slowly, and smiled when saw Rachel looking expectantly at her face.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked in a murmur filled with worry, and Quinn chuckled with a nod. She never thought her love for Rachel could grow even more, and yet, it kept growing in a pace she wasn't sure her heart could handle.

"I love you, Rachel." She replied, still trying to catch her breath. "This was just… unbelievable."

"Is that good or bad?" Rachel questioned with a small frown and biting her lip. Quinn couldn't believe the so perceptive Rachel had any doubts about whether or not she had enjoyed it.

"Good!" Quinn answered incredulous that Rachel had to ask. "It was amazing, actually. You're amazing!" But Rachel kept the worried frown on her face, and it was starting to make Quinn worried too. "What's on your mind?" She asked.

"It's just that… I don't know. I kind of find it difficult to understand how it can feel good. I mean, I know I shouldn't base it on the one time I did it but after feeling the way I felt that time, I find it hard to belief this could ever feel good." Rachel confessed shyly, and suddenly Quinn understood it all. Coming to the realization that such traumatizing event had been Rachel's first and only time helped her understand why Rachel was so scared.

"Love, it won't ever feel like it felt that time." Quinn promised, taking Rachel's hand on hers and dropping a kiss on the back of the palm. "It's not the same thing. What they did to you it's just… an atrocity. But what you did to me? That's love. You made love to me. And that's what I'll do to you, once you're ready." Quinn said ever so sweetly, and the frown on Rachel's face melt into a shy smile. "Do you wanna know what it feels like?" She asked, and Rachel nodded quietly. "It's like you're running. You're running and you feel the pump on your veins pushing you further and although it feels good you will reach a point where you can't take it anymore and you feel like your legs can't hold you up much longer. But then, instead of falling tired onto the ground, you fly. You fly up high and you touch the sky and you feel like you're invincible. And it's good. It's so good. And I'll make you see it. I'll make you feel it. I'll take you to the sky and you're gonna wonder why you were so afraid before, because you'll know that up there is the place where you belong. By my side."

"Thank you for waiting for me, Quinn." Rachel whispered, and Quinn was glad she managed to get at least one smile from the girl.

"Happy birthday, love."


	31. When I close my eyes: Chapter 30

**A/N:** Happy Thanksgiving everyone! So thankful to have all of you reading this! I hope you like this chapter as much as I do! And don't forget to review :)

* * *

Chapter 30 - When I close my eyes you're the one I see

"Babe." Quinn whispered in Rachel's ear, brushing the hair away. "Rach?"

"Mhm?" Rachel hummed back in sleep, not even bothering to open her eyes. It was rather amusing for Quinn, to see their roles changed for once. "What time is it?"

"Don't worry, it's too early. But I'm leaving now because I need to get my routine exams done and the earlier I leave the earlier I can come back. I'll try to come back early enough to go get lunch with you, but if I don't I'll tell them to bring it here for you alright?" She asked in whisper.

"Okay." Rachel murmured, rubbing her eyes and holding tightly onto Quinn. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too. I'm taking your coat, alright?" Quinn asked and Rachel nodded in agreement, so Quinn left a kiss on Rachel's forehead before heading out the door.

It had been weeks since they last spent the day apart. Besides the time they each spent inside the bathroom, they were together _all_ the time. She always tried to make sure Rachel appointments were at the same time as hers, but she wasn't so lucky this time. So she fought the sleep that always consumed her so deeply, woke up early to get it all over with it as soon as she could and get back to her lovers arms.

Quinn had always borrowed clothes from her friends closets, but it never felt like it did when she borrowed something from Rachel. Specially on days like this – it was what kept herself together. Rachel was so perfect for her, that if she was away from the girl for too long she started to ask herself if Rachel could actually be real. It sounded ridiculous, even more when she met Rachel again afterwards, but she had stopped trying to control her absurd thoughts a long time ago.

Having something physical from Rachel on her, and being able to smell the girl throughout the whole day was what kept her grounded. The fact that Rachel had the fluffiest and most comfortable coat was just a plus – the clinic was the coldest ward on the hospital, and she couldn't ask for anything better.

However, although she spent the previous days dreading the eminent moments apart, she realized she actually needed some alone time. It had been too long since she last stopped to think and analyze what was going on inside of her, and she knew a lot had changed.

Her medicine was the same for more than a month, and she had not showed any side effects to it. Although she had stopped her sleeping pills completely, she was sleeping perfectly well. She hadn't felt the urge to cut since forever. Of course, she still thought of it from time to time. It was a habit of hers for too long, and she didn't think it would ever be something she could simply forget about. She could be in the best mood, and a simple trigger would make her think of her razors again. But what mattered the most is that she didn't let the thoughts consume her anymore. They would go away just as fast as they came, and Quinn never acted upon them.

She honestly believed it was all because of Rachel. Being with her for the whole day didn't leave Quinn any time for bad feelings to arrive. Whenever she started to feel herself getting upset, she could count on Rachel to sense the change of mood and do her best to cheer Quinn up. And it _never_ failed. It wasn't that hard either – a simple kiss was enough to remind Quinn why being alive was worth it. Beth also had a big a part on it. The unconditional love the girl felt towards Quinn was a constant motivation in Quinn's life. She knew Beth counted on her to simply be there, and she couldn't let her daughter down.

Her anger was the one that impressed her the most, though. She had always had so much rage inside of her. She remembered being furious even about the smallest things in life, and she didn't even try to hold it inside – whoever crossed her way had a chance of getting hit by it. Again, this hadn't completely vanished. But it was so weakened that she managed to control it. She knew Rachel was scared by anger explosions, and she would never let Rachel see her in one of those moments again.

While Quinn waited for the doctor to read the chart, she placed her hands inside the pockets to warm them up. She was surprised to see the pockets weren't empty, and elated to have even more things to remind her of Rachel. She took the stuff out, one by one.

First, a crumpled napkin that Quinn knew immediately, by the smell of it and the crumbles that fell down, it had previously held a cookie inside. Second, she got a small rounded rock. She had no idea why Rachel had been carrying it on her pocket, but it made her giggle at the thought of Rachel just grabbing a random rock from the backyard and deciding to make it hers. Third, a chapstick that Quinn just _had_ to apply to feel Rachel's taste in her mouth.

And the fourth, was a small folded piece of paper. Quinn opened it and felt her heart doing a backflip as she read what it was written: Love you! Xx, Rachel. She had no idea when Rachel had put it there, or if she even meant for Quinn to read it, but it made the biggest smile come up to her face.

So in that day, when her doctor asked the so familiar question – how have you been? - For the first time since she was admitted, Quinn had the answer at the tip of her tongue.

"I'm good."

And it was true.

* * *

Quinn came inside the room and found Rachel sitting on the bed with a book on her hands. In the spur of the moment, she leaped and jumped right on top of the girl, making them both crash together in bed. Rachel squealed in startle, but started to laugh as Quinn pampered kisses all over her face.

"You're back!" Rachel said between giggles. "What is that for?"

"No reason." Quinn replied, dropping a few more kisses. "Just missed you."

"And then you go and say you're not mushy or romantic and expect me to believe it!" Said Rachel, wrapping her arms around Quinn's waist. "How were your exams?"

"Clearly you have corrupted me." Quinn smiled, not minding at all the one more change Rachel brought into her life. "They were okay. Nothing new." She replied, laying her head on Rachel's chest. "Hey, you know what we should do?"

"Get married?" Rachel asked.

"Not really what I had in mind, but yeah, sure." Quinn answered in a chuckle and confused frown.

"I'm serious, actually." Rachel deadpanned, and Quinn's frown grew more suspicious.

"Rachel Berry if you're gonna propose to me you should at least make a big deal out of it. Don't you think I deserve better?" Quinn played, closing her eyes.

"No, Quinn. I'm serious. Look at me." Rachel said, and Quinn opened her eyes but knit her eyebrows together. She couldn't believe Rachel wasn't kidding. "I was thinking. If you're over 18 and you're married, your parents aren't the ones to make medical decisions for you. I could help getting you out of here."

"I think you might be a genius." Quinn sighed in surprise, after a minute of silence. Rachel was right, and Quinn couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it herself. She had a way out. She wouldn't die alone in the hospital. "Would you that for me though?" She asked, licking her lip.

"Quinn, please. I wouldn't be marrying you just to help you – although I could do that too. I'll be marrying you because I love you and I want to spend my whole life with you. The fact that I'll get you out of here in the process is just a plus." Rachel explained, getting Quinn's hand and intertwining their fingers.

Quinn could feel her legs getting weak, even though she wasn't standing up. She was utterly perplexed. It was the best plan possible, and she loved every single aspect of it. However, it wasn't as simple in reality as it sounded in theory.

"But we're not 18 yet, Rach. And also, I don't think we _can_ get married in here." Quinn said, trying to be the voice of reason. It was too early for her to let her hopes grow.

"Quinn, don't think about that now. I'll research about it later, and I'll talk to my parents, and the minute you turn 18 we'll be signing those papers." Rachel dismissed Quinn's worries, and kneeled on the bed in front of her. "Now answer me. Will you marry me?" She asked, before waving her hands in the air. "I'm sorry I don't have a ring for this moment, I know you deserve one, but please, say yes!" Rachel cried out in a plead.

"Of course I will..." Quinn answer shyly, still not believing how out of nowhere this conversation had begun and how it turned out. She was too elated to think clearly. "I love you!" She chuckled, pulling Rachel in a sweet kiss.

"I love you too!" Rachel squealed excitedly, wrapping her arms around Quinn in a tight hug. They stood in silence within each other arms for just a few seconds, before Rachel let out everything that was racing in her mind. "Okay, so who are we going to invite?"

Although Quinn had definitely soften up after they started dating, the thought of having other people watching her interacting with Rachel in such a big and special moment, made her uncomfortable. Thinking of having several heads turning to see as she walked down the isle made her stomach flip. And thinking of her parents sitting on the front row and judging her made her wanna throw up.

"Oh God. No one. Please." Said Quinn, shaking her head violently with a disgusted look and getting a concerned frown from Rachel.

"What do you mean? We need a guest list!" Rachel exclaimed surprised by Quinn's thoughts.

"Mhm, no we don't." Quinn whined, hiding her face on Rachel's neck. "I don't want people watching us. I want it to be just you and me. Like it has always been."

"Are you serious?" Rachel asked, and Quinn nodded. "What about Beth? She would be such a cute flower girl! And my dads… They would be so upset if we didn't invite them..." Rachel pouted, and Quinn knew her standing wouldn't last. Maybe until then she would get used to the idea, but still, she felt like they needed it to be _their_ thing.

"Okay, I got an idea. Listen up!" Quinn raised her head excitedly, and Rachel widened her eyes and nodded vigorously in anticipation. "We could have a wedding just the two of us, to get used to it. Like a rehearsal wedding. No! Like an elope thing! Then I could tell you everything I want and not be scared of who's watching us and it would be our moment, you know?" Rachel nodded, and Quinn went on. "And then when we turn 18 we could get a wedding that would be the official one with the paper signing shit and people and everything. But we could always know that it doesn't matter what happens on that one, because we would already have the one that meant the most for _us_."

"I really like this!" Rachel agreed with a nod, sitting up and grabbing Quinn's hand. "Let's do it. _Now_!" She half-yelled, getting widened eyes from Quinn. "Really! We have nothing to stop us, and we don't even need anyone to officiate it because we will know in our hearts and that's all that matters. It will just be you and me promising to be forever with each other. Till death do us part, right?"

Quinn had never been a dreamer. She was always the rational one among their friends. But nothing ever made so much sense to her as the impulsive wedding they had just planned, and she already knew in her heart Rachel and she were forever. Besides, she had always been a sucker for a symbolic acts.

And with a kiss, they decided although they had woken up single, in that night they would sleep as newly-weds.

* * *

"I really don't think we need to write vows..." Rachel whined, bumping her head on the table with a cry.

"Love, I told you. You don't have to if you don't want. But I want to write something cute for you. I'm not good speaking up my feelings, but I can write them. And there's a lot of stuff I feel like telling you!" Quinn replied, incessantly scribbling down on paper, even as she talked, and making Rachel even more nervous.

"But it isn't fair… I wanna do something cute for you too, but I suck at writing." Rachel said with a pout and Quinn looked away – she knew she didn't have enough self control to resist it and really didn't want to give in this time.

"You could draw me something, then. You're good at drawing!" Quinn suggested with a shrug.

"Quinn, have you ever seen a wedding drawing? That's not how wedding works. That's not what people do." Rachel rolled her eyes at her.

"Well, people usually don't get married at the same day they make a decision either. And they definitely don't get married in a mental institution with no one else but them. Yet here we are!" Quinn reminded her with a giggle, but Rachel sighed once more, lifting her head to look at the blank page in front of her.

"I know that. But still wanted some things to be perfect. I want to write something that you would love and remember forever. But then I look at this paper and I search my mind for something and all I find in here is a giant mess of too many feelings." Rachel whined, pointing to her head.

"Then write that. I don't care how much of a mess it is. Seriously, don't worry so much, Rach. I will love anything you write, and I'll always remember it regardless of what it says. This isn't the wedding you're supposed to worry about, that's the other one. This one is the one where it will be only you and me, and I don't care what you write, all I care is that you're brave enough to promise to be with me forever." Quinn said, stopping her writing for a moment to be sure she looked in Rachel's eyes and helped her calm down.

"Okay, fine. But I'll go first then. I don't wanna go after you and be humiliated." Rachel demanded with a pout, and Quinn giggled rolling her eyes.

Her whole life, Quinn was never honest about her feelings. She wouldn't share them with people, but even worst, she wouldn't admit them to herself. For those reasons, she still had a hard time making out what they meant. But if there was one feeling that was a constant in her life, and that she was sure and understood about, was her love for Rachel. It was easy for her to write about. It came naturally. It was already fixed inside of her, and although she always told Rachel she loved her, she had much more love to share than any _I love you's_ could ever express.

She didn't take much longer to finish her vows, and spent the rest of the time teasing Rachel about hers. Rachel acted hurt. Quinn knew she was just messing around.

"What are we doing about the dress thingy?" Rachel asked, folding the paper as she finally finished writing.

"I don't really care about that. We can just get any white clothes and be done with it." Quinn shrugged.

"That's not what I mean. I mean that I can't see your dress before the wedding, and you can't see mine. You know, it's bad luck, and I don't think we need any more of that in our lives!" Rachel reasoned, raising one eyebrow.

"Oh, okay." Quinn chuckled. She didn't believe at all at those things, but if Rachel did, she could deal with it. "Mhm, what if I get changed while you're in the bathroom and then I go to the backyard and wait for you there while you change?"

"We're getting married at the backyard?" Rachel asked with a squeal and a clap of hands.

"Well, I thought it made sense. It's one of our favorite places in here, and it's important to us. Right?" Quinn suggested.

"Right! I love it! We could be exactly under the willow tree we shared our first kiss!" Rachel kept clapping excitedly. "This is so romantic! This is gonna be the most beautiful wedding ever!"

"So, do you think you can get there alone?" Quinn asked and Rachel nodded, more confident than Quinn thought she would be. "Great! Get going to the bathroom then, cause I need to get ready. Go, go, go." She said, tapping Rachel's butt gently to get her moving.

* * *

Quinn didn't have any white dresses, but she had white shorts and a white loose blouse she could use. She had always dreamed of a spring wedding, and was rejoicing on the fact that she wouldn't need a coat, with such great weather outside. The flowers all over the backyard floor also made up the perfect scenario, and Quinn braided her hair in crown to complete her wedding look. For once, she wished they had access to make up. It had been a long time since she last wore it, and she thought it would be nice to look a little bit better since she hoped her face on that day would be forever in Rachel's mind.

With a gentle knock on the door, she let Rachel know she was leaving. She walked down the hallways so gracefully that one could think she was actually an angel. At the same time, she walked it so peacefully she wouldn't even realize if someone was looking at her.

Getting to the backyard, she cursed herself for not reminding herself of bringing a blanket to lay on the floor. She didn't want to sit on the grass and ruin her white shorts, but standing still didn't sound like a good idea. Especially since she knew Rachel wouldn't be exactly fast. She was a bride, after all. While she waited, she kneeled on the floor and grabbed a few flowers from the ground. Some of them, she tucked in her braid. The others, she joined in a bouquet. It was far from perfect, but she knew Rachel would like having something to hold.

Quinn was so distracted she almost didn't realize as Rachel walked outside. Once she looked up and saw her bride-to-be walking on her way, she swooned. Rachel looked like she had come out of a fairy tale. Her hair swayed loose over her shoulders, adorned by a white headband holding her bangs back. She wore a white flowy dress that ended just above her knees and moved with the wind. Quinn didn't think it was possible, but she fell even further in love by just looking at Rachel.

"You look beautiful!" Quinn whispered in a sigh of delight, reaching her arm out to welcome Rachel with a tight hug. "Here's your bouquet, my lady."

"Oh my God! I have a bouquet!" Rachel exclaimed happily, leaning and giving a kiss on Quinn's cheek. "Thank you, baby. And you look very gorgeous yourself!" She complimented, and Quinn decided not to refute it, for the sake of the moment.

"Alright, so how are we doing this? I'm not really familiar to the _wedding in a hospital_ concept." Quinn said playfully, taking Rachel's hand on hers.

"Okay, so… I thought since we don't have actual wedding bands, we could draw them!" Rachel said, showing a pink marker she held. "So we could exchange those, then exchange our vows and end it with the famous kiss!"

"That's perfect. I'm down!" Quinn agreed with an excited nod.

She had always imagined she would be a nervous mess at her wedding. But she the most peaceful she ever felt. She didn't have anyone looking at them. She had Rachel, her anchor, right by her side. And everything just felt so natural, so right. Not once she had any doubts crossing her mind. She knew in her heart she would never regret that moment. Still, she felt her heart shaking lightly as Rachel held her hand and draw a thin pink line around her finger.

"I, Rachel, take you, Quinn, to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part." Rachel finished her sentence at the exactly same time she finished the line, and then dropped a kiss on top of it. Quinn's smile could be seen from anywhere, and she fought a single tear that tickled her eye, grabbing the pink marker.

"I, Quinn, take you, Rachel, to be my wife, to have and to hold, from this forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part." Quinn repeated, drawing the same thin line on Rachel's finger and ending it with a small heart at the top of it. "Is this a permanent marker?" Quinn asked with a chuckle.

"Sadly, no. But it's good because it means we can renewal our vows everyday as we redraw our bands." Said Rachel with a shrug.

"Perfect." Quinn nodded with the biggest grin. "Now, ready for your vows?"

"I am." Rachel smiled, licking her lip and taking one deep sigh before starting to read the tiny piece of paper in her hand. "For a good part of my life, I believed I was perfect. No matter what people threw on me – literally – nothing was ever strong enough to tear me down. I couldn't understand why no one ever wanted me. It took me too much to realize that I was far from it. I may not be a perfect woman. I may disturb your sleep too often to your own good because of my problems. And still, you look at me like you couldn't find anything better. And yet, under your eyes, I am able to believe that I might once again become the confident person I once was. This hand I hold now, gave me the reassurance I needed to know I can get better. And this hand I hold now will be the same one I will hold for the rest of my life. I love you."

Quinn wasn't sure at which part of Rachel's speech she started crying, but once the first tear rolled down her cheek, she figured there wasn't any good in trying to stop them. Too touched by Rachel's words, she cupped the girl's cheeks and gave her a peck on the lips.

"Quinn! You spoiled the ceremony! The kiss is supposed to be after _your_ vows!" Rachel stomped her feet playfully, and wiped away a tear flooding out of her own eyes.

"I don't care. At all!" Quinn giggled, kissing away another tear from Rachel's cheek. "I love you so much!"

"I love you too." Rachel grinned. "Here, I want you to keep this, okay?" She handed her speech, and Quinn nodded, kissing the piece of paper before tucking it in her pocket, and getting her own out.

"Alright. I guess it's my turn now." Quinn concluded, drying her face on her shirt and being thankful she hadn't wear any make up. Quinn grabbed Rachel's hand tightly, and read:

" _When I was 3, my cousin got a puppy. It was small, white and fluffy, and she would let me play with it every afternoon. But that wasn't enough for me, and I was furious that I always had to come back home while she got to keep the puppy and play with it until bed time. So one day, when no one was looking, I hid the puppy on my backpack and took it home with me. My cousin was devastated, and my family started to help seek the puppy. When my mother found out it was in my room she made me return it and apologize saying that I just stole him because I loved him too much. But that wasn't love._

 _When I was 8, I started wondering why my father was never home and why he always came back late at night and acted all funny. I wondered why he didn't teach me how to ride my bike, like the fathers of my friends had taught them. I wondered why he had to go out to work even on weekends, instead of staying home and playing with me. My mother told me he had to work a lot to give me all the gifts I always wanted. I don't remember asking for a lot of gifts, but my mother told me although he was never around, he still loved me very much. But that wasn't love._

 _When I was 13, I got my first boyfriend. We met at church and my mother was elated. He was a gentleman when we were around other people, and he liked to show me around like a trophy. He reminded me of my father. I felt protected when we went out. Boys wouldn't mess with me anymore, because they were afraid of him. Sometimes, he would try to convince me to do things that I didn't think I should. He tried harder than I would like. Still, every girl of my school told me how lucky I was that I had found such a perfect boyfriend. They all wanted a love like the one I had. But that wasn't love._

 _When I was 15, my best friend started dating an older boy. She stopped coming by my house to do homework together, and I barely saw her during the weekends. With time, she also stopped attending practice and eventually wouldn't even go to school. I went to her house to visit her because I missed her and wanted to know what was going on. I cried when I saw huge bruises all around her body, and begged her to stop seeing him. She answered me he was a good guy that was jealous sometimes because he loved her so much. But that wasn't love._

 _Love, is what I found in you. Love is the feeling I feel flooding my heart every morning when I wake up in your arms, smelling your hair. Love is the feeling that made me wanna be someone more patient and always wait for you. Love is to know that even if you eventually get out and I stay in here, you will still be the most important thing for me. Love is what I feel every morning when I take my pills, and know that I need to take care of myself because you want me to get better and you care for me. Love is to know that no matter what life throws my way, as long as I have you by my side, I'll be able to fight it. Love is to stand in here in front of you and promise you my heart. Is to stand on a place I once dreaded so badly, and know that I will now remember of it fondly, because it's the place where I became yours."_

The second Quinn was finished, she felt Rachel jumping on to her and tackling her to the ground. Right there, under the same willow tree, they shared their first _real_ kiss as wife and wife. And although anyone could have seen them, Quinn didn't care about anything else.

She was Rachel's.

And Rachel was hers.


	32. Heaven doesn't seem far away: Chapter 31

**A/N:** Very happy to see how much you all liked the last chapter! Hope you enjoy this one as well! Don't forget to review :)

* * *

Chapter 31 - Heaven doesn't seem far away

Although Quinn was just too ecstatic to think about things that could go wrong, she knew they shouldn't push their luck too far. As soon as they were done with their wedding ceremony, she lead Rachel inside.

Dinner time arrived and Quinn didn't have the courage to change out of her white clothes. She knew it wouldn't change their new marital status, but wearing the _wedding_ clothes made it feel more real. Sadly, the cafeteria was not informed about their wedding and therefore, didn't make any special meals in their behave. She even considered sleeping on her clothes, but when she heard Rachel laughing at the idea she gave in and changed into comfortable pajamas, as did Rachel.

Quinn didn't think about it too much. First, their wedding had been unconventional. She didn't mind if their honey moon wasn't traditional either. Second, she was true about what she promised. She would be patient and wait for Rachel for as long she had too. But when she had Rachel laying on top of her and kissing her deeply, it was hard not to consider asking where Rachel's progress was standing _exactly_. She didn't, though. She could feel Rachel had been nervous about something since dinner, and it hit her that it was about this particular matter.

If she wanted to keep control of herself, she would need to take the matter with her own hands. Having Rachel laying on top of her was just too much for her. With a delicate but swift movement, she exchanged places with Rachel making the girl let out a shriek of surprise. Quinn giggled and leaned in, dropping a sweet peck on the so soft lips. Rachel smiled faintly, but then bite down her lip and closed her eyes. Quinn couldn't ignore how nervous she was.

"What's on your mind?" Quinn whispered close to ear, tracing it with the tip of her finger and roaming lower to Rachel's jaw. Her thumb brushed past Rachel's cheek until reaching her lips, where Quinn ran her finger in a massage to soothe the marks from Rachel's teeth.

"How is it that only your voice can make me want to crush all the walls I've ever built?" Rachel asked softly, with a sigh. Quinn smiled gently, still waiting for a response to her question. "I wanted to make this night special..." Rachel shyly confessed what Quinn already suspected.

"Our day has been special enough. We don't need to make anything else to make this day memorable." Quinn reassured her, resting her chin on Rachel's chest. "Stop worrying about this, babe. I'm not in any hurry. You have to listen to your heart, it will know when it's ready."

"But I think it might be." Rachel blurted out, and Quinn swooned seeing how the girl's cheeks immediately turned pink.

"Are you sure?" Quinn asked. She wanted to be absolutely certain Rachel wasn't just agreeing to do so because it was expected of her to give in on the honey moon night.

"I'm sure that I want to try, yes." Rachel nodded quietly. "I have since the day you let me touch you. I've never seen you so placidly content before. And I want to feel it too. I want to get closer to you, because I feel like as much as I might talk, words aren't enough to express everything I have inside." Quinn's smile grew with every word, and she played carefully with Rachel's hand as she listened. "But I don't know how things will play out. What if I want to stop in the middle?" Rachel asked timidly, looking deep in her eyes to find the reply that would be her last push into confidence.

"Then we'll stop." Quinn said, simply put. "This isn't a race, love. We're not running to get to the end line. We'll go as you think we can, and together we'll crush your walls. But you need to trust that I would _never_ let any of the remains from your walls fall down on you or hurt you in the process." Rachel's eyes sparkled, and she nodded quietly, biting her lip once more. Quinn knew Rachel trusted her. But more than anything, Quinn trusted herself. She knew she would never push further than what Rachel was ready to. Leaning in closer, she took Rachel's earlobe in her mouth, flicking it with her tongue. She placed a kiss on Rachel's neck right under the ear, and then raised her head to whisper. "Let me make love to you." She whispered, and felt Rachel shivering immediately.

Rachel nodded once more, but Quinn still didn't move. She needed an audible consent. If Rachel wasn't even able to say the words out loud, she wouldn't be able to have it happen. But Rachel proved herself braver than Quinn could ever expect, and moving her hand to the small of Quinn's back, she whispered as she closed her eyes. "Make love to me."

Quinn gaped, trying to collect herself and not squeal loudly in happiness - but her smile told it all. She leaned in and took Rachel's lips on hers, soft as ever. It was exhilarating for her to think that although Rachel's mouth felt so familiar, the kiss had a clear direction this time. But for the time being, she chose to not make her feelings too exposed. She figured it would be easier on Rachel if she was shown nothing but love. She figured it would make it easier for Rachel to forget about the fateful night. A night when she was shown anything _but_ love.

Quinn kept a close watch on every little reaction of Rachel's body. She took it as an encouragement that the minute her mouth travelled for Rachel's neck, she felt nails lightly pressing against her back. She took her sweet time. She wanted to kiss and love every inch of Rachel's body, and Rachel didn't seem to be in a hush either. Quinn pampered kisses all along Rachel's neck, reaching her collarbone and letting her tongue ran its way along the bone.

When she reached Rachel's shoulders, covered by the sleeve of her shirt, Quinn tugged the hem of it. She was more than ready to get rid of it, but she wanted to check if Rachel felt the same. Fortunately, Rachel was always able to understand her too well. Rachel nodded, and Quinn sighed contently lifting her own body to give space so that Rachel could take the shirt off herself.

Quinn wished she wasn't so obvious, but she found herself glazing down on Rachel's bare torso in simply awe. It hadn't been the first time she had seen it, but it would never cease to impress her. For someone who ate so many cookies and did no exercise at all, Rachel's body was unbelievable toned.

Quinn leaned forward and peppered a trail of kisses all the way from Rachel's collarbone to between her breasts, cupping one of them in a light squeeze that made Rachel squirm. Quinn raised her head, to try and find out if it had been a good squirm or a bad squirm, but as she squeezed it once more Rachel moaned lowly and licked her lips, giving Quinn the answer she was looking for. While Quinn's hand held one breast, her lips dropped a kiss on the other one before Quinn captured a nipple within in her lips.

With a swirl of her tongue, Quinn felt the nipple hardening inside her mouth and hummed in content. Her fingers held the other nipple and replayed the movements she did with her tongue. A louder moan left Rachel's mouth when Quinn flickered her tongue against a nipple, and although Quinn couldn't imagine sweeter sound she knew they could get in deep problem if they were caught.

"Don't be too loud, baby." Quinn whispered, pulling her mouth away for just one second, which was enough for Rachel tangle her hands on Quinn's hair and push her back towards her breast.

Quinn smiled against the skin, catching the other nipple on her mouth this time. Quinn noticed goosebumps rising on Rachel's whole body when she lightly bit it, and Rachel's breathing started to get faster. When Quinn released the nipple from her mouth, she heard a small shriek of frustration that made her chuckle. Quinn tapped Rachel's shorts lightly, and Rachel nodded again in permission.

As Quinn pulled Rachel's shorts down, she felt herself getting lightheaded. Rachel was going so well, and Quinn could see Rachel was enjoying it perhaps just as much as Quinn did. She moved her mouth back to Rachel's neck, being careful enough to know she wouldn't leave any marks, while her hand ran up and down Rachel's side – from her thigh all the way up to her shoulders.

"Love, I'm gonna touch you now, okay?" Quinn murmured against Rachel's ear, and the girl let out a whimper before nodding her head more enthusiastically then Quinn thought she would.

Quinn reached out her hand to in between Rachel's legs, cupping it over the panties and gasping in surprise when she felt how wet the fabric was. Although Quinn was laying down, she felt weak at her knees. She ran her fingers up and down before settling on top of Rachel's clit and stroking it gently as always. Rachel tugged her nails into Quinn's side, and Quinn smiled, biting her own lip as she watched every movement from Rachel.

"Can those come off, baby?" Quinn asked, running her index finger along the waistband of Rachel's panties.

"Yes. Please." Rachel vocalized instead of nodding again, which just encouraged Quinn further into knowing she was in the right path.

When Quinn's fingers touched Rachel's bare and wet center, Rachel gasped for air. Quinn ran her finger around Rachel's entrance, further spreading the moist. Quinn felt herself getting wet too, when her finger found Rachel's clit again and circled it steadily. Rachel panted loudly, and Quinn looked up to find her with an open mouth and tight shut eyes. She realized Rachel's eyes were closed at all times, and deep down she knew Rachel was still afraid of opening up her eyes and seeing _them_. There wasn't much Quinn could do, but she kissed Rachel all over. She had grown up hearing that kisses would take the pain away, and although she didn't always feel that way, it was her only hope.

Quinn scattered kisses from Rachel's neck all the way down to her lower stomach, and she was glad to see Rachel spreading her legs further apart when she realized what Quinn was about to do. After gently kissing the inner side of Rachel's tight, Quinn finally let herself do what she wanted for so long. To really taste Rachel. As she flatted out her tongue over Rachel's entrance, Rachel shut her thighs against Quinn's ear, keeping her in place. Quinn had thought Rachel's kisses tasted like heaven, but only because she had never tried Rachel's _real_ taste before. It was different than the taste boys had. So much better. Quinn could stay there forever and she would die happy.

As Quinn's tongue started working on Rachel's clit, her fingers were free to be pushed inside of Rachel. Quinn did so, as careful as she could, working the entrance with her index finger before pushing a single finger and waiting for Rachel's reactions. When Rachel moaned lowly and rocked her hips against Quinn's finger, she pushed another one. Only when she was sure Rachel wasn't nervous at all and had gotten used to the feeling of being filled up inside, she started to move them. It started out slowly, and Quinn built up the pace as Rachel started panting and moaning more frequently.

Quinn knew they were at risk of being caught at any minute because if there's something Rachel wasn't was quiet. She knew Rachel was close, and she just had to see it. She wanted to watch it, and she wanted to hear everything. With a last kiss to Rachel's clit, Quinn raised her head and moved up closer to Rachel, while still keeping the pace of her fingers. Quinn watched as Rachel's face scrunched up in pleasure and cupped her cheeks, dropping a peck on her lips.

"Rach." Quinn murmured, leaving another kiss on Rachel's cheek. "Open your eyes, love. Look at me. It's only me." Quinn asked, stroking Rachel's face with her free hand. After resisting for a second, Rachel opened her eyes to look deep inside of Quinn's. "I love you." Quinn whispered with a smile and as soon as she was done with the sentence, she felt it.

Quinn watched Rachel's back arching and felt Rachel's muscles pressing tightly against her fingers. Her smile grew bigger and prouder, and she kept spreading small kisses all over Rachel's face, neck, and shoulders while Rachel rocked her orgasm. When she felt Rachel softening up under her arms, she laid on top of the girl and gave one last soft kiss on her mouth.

"Hey." Quinn whispered coyly, watching Rachel open her eyes in half-lids while trying to catch her breath.

"Hi..." Rachel murmured with a grin, wrapping her arms tightly against Quinn's neck to bring her closer, and hiding her face on Quinn's chest shyly.

"You don't need to hide from me, you know." Quinn chuckled, kissing the top of Rachel's head.

"I know." Rachel murmured, hugging Quinn tighter. "I love you so much. I wish I could hide in your arms forever and that nobody would ever see us anymore."

"Aw! I love you too, babe." Quinn giggled quietly, running her fingers through Rachel's hair. "And I'm so incredibly proud of you. For being so brave. For letting yourself feel good."

"It felt _good_!" Rachel nodded with widened eyes, looking at Quinn for the first time since then. Quinn bit her lip to hold back her huge smile. "Thank you, Quinn."

"Oh, you _really_ don't have to thank me. This was amazing, Rach. You have no idea how happy I am seeing you overcoming your… fears. I hope you realized how this is absolutely different than that. I hope with every kiss you felt how much I love you." Quinn confessed, stroking Rachel's collarbone with the tip of her nose.

"That's exactly why I need to thank you." Rachel explained with a smile. "I could never have done this without you. I know for a fact I would never find someone so gentle and considerate like you. You're so perfect for me." Rachel exhaled, closing in her eyes. Quinn could see how tired Rachel was, and completely understood it. "Quinn?"

"Mhm?" Quinn hummed back.

"I hope we can do this again sometime." Rachel murmured, as if it were the biggest secret she ever had.

And Quinn had no reaction but to agree wholeheartedly.

* * *

"Quinn?" Rachel murmured, poking Quinn on the ribs gently.

"Mhm?" Quinn opened her eyes just slightly, and growled when felt the sun blinding her.

"Wake up." Rachel said in a more serious tone than Quinn had ever heard her speak. "We need to talk."

Suddenly, Quinn didn't mind what time of the morning it was anymore. Her heart barely stopped at hearing Rachel's words, and when she sat up and saw tears flooding Rachel's eyes, she was sure that this was the way she would die.

"What happened?" Quinn asked, swallowing dryly. She wanted to shoot her head to see if her imagination would stop running so wildly.

"What are those?" Rachel whispered almost inaudibly, pointing to Quinn's opened drawer on her night stand.

"Oh!" Quinn's heart sank in relief, and she let out a chuckle, that just made Rachel more nervous.

"Quinn! Tell me what's going on!" Rachel cried out, and Quinn just shook her head and grabbed her hand.

"Baby, don't worry." Quinn whispered reassuringly, but she could see it had no effect. Rachel waited for some explanation, and Quinn was glad that for once she had a plausible and real one to give. "Those are my sleeping pills. I stopped taking them when you were having a difficult time at night, so that I would sleep more lightly and be able to take care of you. But then I ended up getting used to sleeping without them, and didn't start taking them again because I don't wanna be hooked."

Although this time Quinn's story was completely true and she was being as honest as she could, she could still see the sparkle of doubt shining in Rachel's eyes.

"Why are you keeping them?" Rachel asked worriedly.

"No reason. Really." Quinn explained with a casual shrug. "At first I was keeping them because I thought that if I felt too tired after bumpy nights I could take one during the day to help me take a nap. Then, eventually I realized, I already had too many kept there. I was afraid it would clog the toilet and someone would discover if I just flushed them out."

"Do you promise me?" Rachel asked quietly, raising one eyebrow as she bit down her lip.

"Rach, of course I do! I have no reason to lie to you. You've seen me do much worst, and you've always helped me." Quinn said, and Rachel seemed to warm up and let her shoulders loose in relief. "Really, I'm good. I'm taking my meds and I actually feel _happy_ for a change. I'm feeling so much better. And I wouldn't risk losing it all, specially knowing I could lose you in the process."

"Okay." Rachel nodded, giving in and falling on Quinn's arms. "I'm sorry. I was just looking for a hair band and I found out all of those and my mind just went..." Rachel sighed, and she didn't have to complete. Quinn understood her. "I was afraid I was losing you and not realizing it."

"Hey." Quinn called out, and gently pulled Rachel by the chin to look deep in her eyes. "You're never losing me. I'm your wife, remember?"

And when Rachel smiled, she knew she could smile again. Nothing made her feel worse than seeing Rachel getting nervous.

That morning, she made sure Rachel could see while she took her medicines.


	33. The end's beginning: Chapter 32

Chapter 32 - The end's beginning

"Oh, God. It's too early in the year to be this hot already." Quinn whined, getting out of the cafeteria and already feeling the sweat starting to come out of her pores.

Quinn didn't like the summer at all. She didn't like the warmth. She loathed the fact that people suddenly started complaining if she would rather stay indoors than enjoying the sun. She hated getting sunburns. She simply couldn't understand how people would like summer over winter. Winter. When you had snow, and hot beverages aren't torturous to be drank, and you can just cuddle up with a blanket and be comfy on the couch without people trying to mind your business.

"I like it when it's warm like this!" Rachel exclaimed, basically skipping her way down the hallway. Quinn never understood how Rachel could be so energetic after eating so much, since they had just had dinner. "Why don't we go hang outside in the backyard for a bit before going to bed?"

Quinn growled painfully and rolled her eyes at the suggestion, but Rachel clearly was a master at persuasion. She giggled at Quinn's complaints and pulled her by the hand, with a grin on her face so big that Quinn could just never say no to. Besides, bed time was close, so it wasn't like they were going to spend a whole lot of time outside anyway.

Rachel was so different since their wedding day. Since the night, in particular. Quinn was impressed to see how lighter she seemed. If she had to pick a word to describe her since then, it would be carefree. Quinn realized Rachel wasn't as nervous around other people as she used to be. Perhaps her night with Quinn had finally made her monsters go away. Or perhaps now she felt protected enough by Quinn to know that nothing would ever reach her again. What mattered was that Rachel was the happiest she had ever seen, which made Quinn happier than anything else.

Quinn only realized she was staring for too long when Rachel blushed and covered Quinn's eyes with her hands. Quinn was taken back from her trance, and shook her head, getting the hand away. Rachel grabbed Quinn's hand again and did a twirl, giggling at how her dress twirled with her. She looked up at Quinn to check if the girl had seen too and grinned when their eyes met, before pulling Quinn for a hug and laying her head on Quinn's chest. Once more, Quinn wished she could froze time.

"C'mere!" Rachel whispered, letting herself fall on to the ground and pulling Quinn with her. "Let's lay down and watch the stars!"

Again, Quinn had not one ounce in her body that was able to say no to Rachel. At the very same second, she laid down, resting her head on one of her arms and stretching the other for Rachel to lean against. She didn't have to say anything, Rachel knew exactly where she should be. She knew Quinn's arms were where she belonged. Rachel cuddled up on Quinn's side, and Quinn tucked a stray hair behind Rachel's ear before dropping a kiss on her forehead.

"Quinn, you're not doing this right. You're supposed to look up at the sky, see?" Rachel played, pointing to the starts above them when she caught Quinn glancing once more.

"I'm trying to, but you're… you're glowing. Like, really. Do you feel it?" Quinn asked, but Rachel shook her head with a confused frown and a chuckle. "You look really different. Like you're brighter, somehow. I don't know."

"Maybe I'm a star." Rachel smirked with a small shrug.

"Maybe you are." Quinn agreed with a nod and a grin.

"Actually, we all are." Rachel said, and Quinn knit her eyebrows together and laughed lowly. Sometimes she had a hard time understanding what Rachel meant. "No, for real. Like, science real. Didn't you know? _We're all made of starstuff."_ Rachel quoted, but Quinn still didn't get it. "Everything that makes us, _us_ came from stars. Our elements. Like nitrogen, and carbon, and oxygen. So we're all made of stars."

"That's… disturbing." Quinn frowned further. Although she wasn't as in peace with her religion as she used to be, she had never stopped to think about other ways people could have appeared in the world if not for God. And she definitely hadn't thought they had come from stars.

"It's not disturbing! It's amazing!" Rachel pouted, poking Quinn's ribs playfully. "Once my teacher – that one, you know?" Rachel asked, and Quinn nodded. "When everyone was picking on me, she told me this thing and it really inspired me. She said that no matter what happened, I should always take comfort on knowing that the stars would never think less of me if I couldn't handle things. They would always keep shining, no matter what happened."

"Now _that's_ beautiful." Quinn whispered with a smile, and swallowed some words before coming up with a way of asking what she wanted to know. She wasn't sure if Rachel was okay talking about this subject, but she would only find out if she tried. "Did you ever see her again?"

"Who? My teacher?" Rachel asked, and Quinn nodded. "No… She reached out when she found out what happened. I guess she felt guilt, although it wasn't her fault at all. But I was too scared to see her. I thought they could take that as a sign I _hadn't learned my lesson_." She said with a hurtful chuckle.

Quinn wanted to ask further. She wanted to know how could Rachel be so okay with being with her, even after everything. She wanted to know how Rachel had accepted actually being a lesbian. But she didn't want to take the conversation to that way and kill their sweet mood, so she filed them on her brain to be asked later. Time is something they had to spare.

"You know what would be incredible?" Rachel asked in a murmur. The blush on her face should have warned Quinn something unexpected was coming out of Rachel's mouth, but no amount of preparation would be enough when she heard the words Rachel let out. "Make love to you under the stars." Quinn choked on air and her eyes went wide as her mouth hang open.

"I'll remind you of that once we're out of here." Quinn said with a smirk, once she was able to collect herself. It was astonishing to see how Rachel was suddenly so much more comfortable talking about it. Although she was still shy, she could now at least say the words out loud. Quinn called that improvement. "I'm glad to see you liked it, babe. Really. It's good to know I helped you, somehow." Rachel nodded, and cuddled even closer.

Quinn looked up for a second, and out of nowhere she saw a couple beams of light running down the sky. She looked at Rachel, who gasped in surprise. She was glad Rachel had seen it too. Two small stars, falling around them like rain. It was almost as if the universe was congratulating them on something.

"Did you make your wish?" Rachel asked, with widened eyes in concern that Quinn had forgotten it. But Quinn nodded, and she sighed in relief. "I hope your wish comes true."

"I wished that you'll be my girl forever." Quinn confessed in a murmur. She glanced at Rachel's lips, but restrained herself from reaching them. They were being risky enough by cuddling on the backyard. She didn't wanna push her chances.

"I am your girl!" Rachel exclaimed. The darkness made it difficult for her to really see Rachel, but her smile was unmistakable. "I'm always your girl." She completed, and Quinn could swear she had never heard such reassuring words.

"Come on, now." Quinn said with the biggest smile, moving her arm just slightly to try and get up. "Let's get inside. It's almost bed time already. Up you go!" She said, getting on her feet and pulling Rachel's hand to help her.

In a blink of her eyes, Quinn's hands slipped and Rachel fell with her butt on the ground. Rachel squealed, much more exacerbating than what the situation called for, and Quinn could help a snort. Her laugh just made Rachel's pout grow, and she crossed her arms against her chest, much like a spoiled child. Quinn couldn't believe, but she felt like she loved Rachel even more.

"Look what you did. Now I'm clearly gonna have to be taken to the hospital. Immediately. I might be severely bruised!" Rachel complained playfully.

"Alright, I can take care of that!" Quinn said with a shrug, as she swiftly grabbed Rachel upon her arms and carried her on her shoulders. Rachel shrieked again and playfully slapped Quinn's arms asking to be put down, but her incessantly laughs showed Quinn she was having more fun than she would like to let it show.

She was glowing again.

* * *

Quinn fell with her back on the bed, panting. She couldn't believe something would ever feel as good as the first time Rachel had touched her, but it ended up being easily beaten by coming concomitantly to Rachel. It took a few minutes for her to recompose herself, but it took Rachel even longer – which made her prouder than she was willing to admit. Quinn turned to her side smiling sheepishly to watch a covered in sweat Rachel with her mouth still hanging opened and breathing heavily.

"Thank you." Rachel whispered between breaths, and Quinn snorted. It's unreal how Rachel could be so sexy yet so adorable all at the same time.

"Oh shit." Quinn murmured, but tapped her own lips when Rachel glared at her for cursing. "I didn't realize this." She whispered, running her index finger in a hickey just above Rachel's hips. "I'm sorry, baby. Does it hurt?"

"Not really, actually." Rachel replied with a frown in concern, propping her weight on her elbows to see the bruise. "I didn't feel you doing this."

"Maybe you were distracted by other _stuff_." Said Quinn, with a chuckle. She dropped a small kiss on the bruise before laying by Rachel's side again. "It should go away in a couple days. And I'll try to be more careful from now on." She grinned.

"You're fine already." Rachel answered in a chuckle, as her eyes slowly closed. "I'm exhausted."

"Yeah, me too." Quinn sighed. "But as much as I would love to sleep next you like this, I think we should put clothes on. We don't need the nurses coming in and finding ourselves like this." Quinn replied worriedly, grabbing Rachel's pajamas from the floor and handing it to her.

"Would you be jealous, perhaps?" Rachel teased, while putting on her pants.

"Bite me, Rachel." Quinn replied, rolling her eyes but not hiding the smile from her face. She just really didn't like to share. "Ouch!" She exclaimed, louder than she wanted when she felt Rachel's teeth digging just lightly in her shoulders. "What was this?"

"You asked for it." Rachel shrugged with half lidded eyes, pulling Quinn to lay back down, "Come on, I need you to be my body pillow. Let's sleep." She explained, wrapping her arm and leg around Quinn.

"Oh, so that's all I am to you now, huh?" Quinn complained playfully. They both knew there was no other way they would rather sleep but draped around each other.

" _Goodnight_ , Quinn." Rachel cut her off with a chuckle, and less than a minute later, she was already deep in sleep.

"Goodnight, Rach. I love you." Quinn whispered, even though she knew Rachel wasn't hearing, and kissed her forehead before falling asleep too.

* * *

"Quinn..." Rachel murmured. Quinn heard it, but thought it was a dream. When Rachel wanted to wake up her, she usually poked her gently, and this time Quinn was only hearing her name. "Quinn?" Rachel asked once more, and Quinn hummed back, finally convinced Rachel was awaken and waiting for her to elaborate on why she was waking up Quinn. "Quinn, I need your help."

And just like that, Quinn's eyes were shot opened. She immediately understood why Rachel wasn't poking her as usual – both her hands were covered in blood while she tried to prevent more from dripping out of her nose. As soon as Quinn recovered from the initial shock, she jumped off of the bed and grabbed tissues from her nightstand. She didn't want to let Rachel see, but the amount of blood coming out was worrying her.

It took a good half and hour and almost a whole box of tissues until the dripping started to decrease and Quinn breathed at easy again. Rachel stood still, pinching her nose, while Quinn attempted to clean their surrounds. If anyone had ever told her she would one day be dealing with so much blood without even flinching, she would never have believed. But at that moment, she didn't even think twice. Rachel was much more important than any sort of distress blood could cause in her.

"Are okay?" Quinn checked, gently pulling Rachel's hair in a pony tail to avoid it getting dirty in the middle of all the blood.

"Yeah, I'm just… I don't know, a little dizzy, I think." Rachel frowned, still holding her nose in a pinch. "I think I'm gonna lay back down."

"No, wait!" Quinn prevented, pulling Rachel and keeping her hand behind her back for support. "It's dangerous cause the blood could come back to your lungs if you were laying. Do you think you can stay sit just a bit more?" She asked in concern, and Rachel nodded biting her lip. "C'mere, let's change your pajamas."

Quinn helped Rachel change and moved her to the other bed. Every movement of her was more careful and caring than ever, but her heart was still unsettled seeing Rachel feeling sick. When a little more time passed, she laid back on the clean bed, pulling Rachel to lay in her arms. In that way, her head stood somewhat higher to her body and gave Quinn the impression it could help to prevent her nose from bleeding more.

Quinn didn't sleep anymore on that night. Her heart was racing too fast. Although it wasn't the first time she had seen this happen to Rachel, it had never been so intense. It had never left Rachel feeling so ill afterwards, either. She considered calling a nurse and alleging an emergency, but once she saw Rachel sleeping again she felt just too bad thinking about waking her up. But Rachel woke up again, just a little before the nurse was supposed to come inside in their morning call.

"Hey..." Quinn whispered lovingly, stroking her thumb on Rachel's cheek as the girl fluttered her eyes open. "Are you feeling any better?"

"A little, yeah. I'm thirsty, though." Rachel didn't have to wait a second before Quinn handed her a bottle of spring water. She chugged almost half of the bottle before returning it to Quinn. "I think I might go see the doctors today. I mean, clearly all of this wasn't because of the dry air since we still have that humidifier."

"Yeah, I was gonna suggest that too. I was a little worried." Quinn confessed, chewing her bottom lip.

"I noticed… Thank you for helping me. I didn't want to wake you up, but it wouldn't stop bleeding and I kinda lost control of it." Rachel explained, scrunching up her nose.

"Rach! You should have woken me up the moment you saw it! I really wouldn't mind!" Quinn complained, and Rachel smiled again, although much more faintly.

They didn't even need to call the doctors. As soon as the nurse came inside the room and saw the amount of blood on the sheets, she asked Rachel to get ready for a check up. Miraculously, they now trusted Quinn enough to not ask to check her arms for new scars. Quinn offered to help Rachel get ready, but she was already feeling better enough to do it on her own, so Quinn just sat back and watched it.

"Hey, babe?" Quinn called out, and Rachel turned around with a shy smile. "Don't show tell them, okay?" Said Quinn. Rachel frowned, and Quinn pointed to her bruised hip. "Just say you don't know how you got it." Quinn explained further.

"Oh, that!" Rachel blushed lightly when she understood Quinn was talking about the hickey. "I wouldn't. I'll just say I bumped on the bed." She said with a nod, and Quinn smiled when she leaned for a kiss before leaving.

"I'll miss you." Quinn complained, giving her another peck on the lips. "Come back to me, alright?"

"I always will." Rachel replied, blowing her on more kiss before closing the door behind her.

* * *

Quinn decided to skip lunch. Although she had done it for months before Rachel arrived, she couldn't bear the idea of eating alone in the cafeteria with everyone around her watching it. It was such a strange feeling, getting inside their room and finding no one. She tried to distract herself reading a book, but when she found she couldn't focus on it she decided to draw. She knew she had no talent whatsoever, but she thought Rachel would like coming back to a get well card or something that resembled one.

The afternoon just wouldn't pass. Quinn considered asking for a double session of therapy, just to spare her time. That's when she realized she missed Rachel way more than she thought she would. But Rachel missed her therapy, and it started to concern Quinn. Check ups usually didn't take so long, and they definitely weren't an excuse for someone to miss therapy. People took therapy pretty serious over there, although Quinn just used the sessions to tell her doctor exactly what she wanted to hear.

When dinner time arrived, her growling stomach made her suck it up and walk on her own to the cafeteria. She felt more than a couple eyes on her, and she wondered if people were commenting on the fact that Rachel was missing. Maybe they missed her too. Even the lunch lady seemed to frown slightly when she saw a random boy in line behind Quinn instead of Rachel. Quinn didn't have the habit, but Rachel used to always smile to the lunch ladies. Quinn knew they liked Rachel there, even though she had never talked to any of them.

Quinn hid a couple cookies on her pocket. She wasn't sure what Rachel could have eaten at the clinic, and she new the girl would be upset about missing cookie night. Quinn tried to eat one, but they didn't taste as good without Rachel by her side, paying countless compliments to them. On her way back to her room, Quinn decided – after much reasoning with herself – to stop at the nurse station and check if they had heard something.

"Hey. Hi." Quinn said shyly. She definitely was losing the ability to socialize with anyone but Rachel. They were just too lost on their own world to pay attention to other people. "I was wondering if you knew what happened to my roommate? She went for a check up earlier today but she still hasn't come back." Quinn asked.

She wasn't sure if she was seeing things, but she thought she saw the nurses exchanging a glance that made Quinn's stomach turn upside down. She silently wondered if maybe the food wasn't that good that night, but deep down she knew what her body was reacting to.

"Sorry, Mrs. Fabray. We are not allowed to share that kind of information. If anything major happens we will sure ask the doctors to keep you posted, alright?" One of the nurses answered, and Quinn smiled gratefully.

For once, it wasn't a fake smile. She was honestly happy seeing the nurses were willing to bend the rules just a little to help her in case something had happened. She thanked them quietly, and went back to her room. She reassured herself by knowing that if anything serious she would get a call from the doctors.

But as bed time approached, Quinn's anxiety increased to a level she hadn't felt in a long time. And when a nurse came to lock her door, Quinn sprinted from bed to prevent it.

"You can't lock it yet. I'm waiting for my roommate to come back, she's at the clinic." Quinn explained, and the nurse frowned before heading to the nurse station. Quinn figured she must have been someone new, who just didn't understood how things worked there.

But not much long after, she saw the head nurse coming in her direction and before she even said anything, Quinn's heart had already sinked to her feet.

"She's not coming back tonight, Quinn. They transferred her to the E.R. to take care of her situation." The nurse said carefully, but Quinn's eyes widened and she almost didn't realize her legs were shaking violently.

"What do you mean? What happened? Is- Is she okay?" Quinn asked in a whisper. Her voice wouldn't come out, no matter how much she tried to speak louder.

"She will be okay. I'm not allowed to tell you more than that, I'm sorry. But you can ask the doctors tomorrow, alright? Try to get some sleep for now." The nurse tried to soothe her with a hand on her shoulder, but she winced in reflex and gave a step back.

The step was just enough for them to be able to close and lock the door before Quinn could stop them, and she found herself clinging to the doorknob while looking through the glass window. She felt her whole body shaking from inside out, and her mind went blank. Quinn was panicking. She wanted to scream, and she wanted to fight. But she lost the strength to open her mouth. The tears ran incessantly from her eyes, and she didn't even mind trying to stop them.

Quinn should have known. Rachel was glowing. And stars always shine the brightest when they're about to collapse.


	34. It's getting dark: Chapter 33

Chapter 33 - It's getting dark and I'm alone

Quinn didn't sleep at all. She wasn't even able to get up from against the door where she fell the night before. Eventually her eyes ran out of tears and she stopped crying, but her mind was spinning way too fast for her to be able to do anything but think about Rachel. Terrified didn't even start to cover how she felt. She just wanted to know where Rachel was, how she was and what had happened. But the fact that everyone kept postponing her answers made her think that maybe they knew she wouldn't be able to handle what she wanted to know – which scared her even more.

The second she heard the click of her door being unlocked, she stood up on her feet. For once, the nurses wouldn't have to wake her up. She opened the door and went after the head nurse. She knew the nurse opening the doors would be of no use, just like she had been the night before while closing them. And she would not be fooled again. She would find out what was happening, or her name wasn't Quinn Fabray.

"How's she?" Quinn breathed out to the head nurse, leaning against the counter. Her heart was racing in a way she couldn't ever explain. She wouldn't feel so exhausted if she had run a marathon.

"God, Ms. Fabray. You look awful. Did you have difficulty falling asleep? We could increase your sleeping p-" The nurse tried to change where the conversation was going to, but Quinn caught it and stopped her short.

"Please… Just tell me." Quinn begged. The words almost got stuck to the back of her throat. She had never been the one to ask for what she wanted nicely, but for Rachel, she could do anything.

"Quinn, go change out of your pajamas. Brush your teeth. The doctors will talk to you, but they're much more likely to give you the information you want if you look more presentable." The nurse reasoned.

Quinn swallowed hard, because she knew the woman was right. So she did. She tried her best to open her closet and not break down when she found one of Rachel's shirts amongst hers. She brushed her teeth with her eyes closed, so she didn't have to face Rachel's unused toothbrush standing next to hers. She avoided the mirror, so that her face wouldn't remind her of the pain she felt inside.

When she was ready, she left the room. She went to the doctor's office, and spent the whole morning in the waiting room. She knew it would take long before the doctor could talk to her, but she would rather be anywhere but her room. She couldn't stand being there alone and not knowing what was going on with Rachel. However, it was almost lunch time, and the doctor still wouldn't let her in.

"Ms. Fabray! We've been looking for you all morning!" The nurse came in the waiting room, handing her the morning pills. "Here, you haven't taken your medicines yet."

"I won't." Quinn deadpanned.

"Ms. Fabray, don't make we do this the hard way. It's late already, come on. Just take them." The nurse argued with a deep sigh, almost as she already knew she had no chance to win a determined Quinn.

"I'll take them when someone tells me what's going on." Said Quinn, crossing her arms and refusing to grab the cup.

The nurse insisted for a while longer, just enough to have something to tell the doctors, and then disappeared into the hallway. She walked back not much later, bringing a doctor with her.

"Ms. Fabray, taking your medicines is not optional. You should know that already. Go on." The doctor said, reaching out the small cup holding the pills.

"I'm sure you already know what I asked for." She replied with a sarcastic smile and her arms still crossed.

"This is not how this work. This is a hospital. We don't negotiate things here." The doctor replied, with his most serious semblance.

"Well, then by all means." Quinn answered with a shrug and a smug smile, defying them to force her.

"Ms. Fabray, you know doctors have a confidentiality agreement. We can not tell you things just because you want to know them." The doctor tried once more to convince her kindly, sitting on the chair next to hers.

"But I have the _right_ to know! She's my roommate!" Quinn whined.

"That doesn't give you any kind of rights over her." He replied, and Quinn swallowed her words before she could let slip that she was way more than her roommate and that it sure entitles her to at least _some_ knowledge about Rachel's well being.

"Okay, so when you need help to conduct exams on her, then it's fine to tell me stuff. But when I'm not useful to you, then you just keep me on the dark about everything. Sounds very fair." She huffed ironically. "I'm not taking any _fucking_ shit." Quinn yelled, and shoved his hand away, making the pills fall onto the ground. He was taken back from her actions, and gasped in surprise before sighing deeply.

"You just lost your privileges, Ms. Fabray."

* * *

Since Quinn had already lost her privileges, she found out she had nothing else to lose. She could just skip therapy altogether and there wouldn't be anything they could do to make her change her mind. But at the same time, she remembered how her therapist had already helped her and Rachel at the very start of their relationship by letting food come inside their room so that Rachel didn't have to leave. And she realized this was her last shot of trying to get to know what was happening to Rachel.

"I've been told you threw a fit this morning, Quinn. Would you like to talk about that?" The therapist asked before Quinn even had a chance to sit.

"I just need to know what's going on..." Quinn sighed, closing her eyes to avoid the stinging that told her tears were on their way.

"Didn't they already tell you?" The therapist questioned, and Quinn's head shook slowly. "They had to take her to the ER."

"Well, they told me _that_." Quinn huffed. "But is that suppose to comfort me? It just made me more nervous and anxious and worried! I need to know why she was taken there!"

"Why do you care? You've always wanted a single room. You should be rejoicing on the fact that you are not gonna be bothered anymore. That's what the Quinn I know would do." The therapist reasoned, infuriating Quinn even further. The woman couldn't be more mistaken about knowing her.

"Yeah, well I care about her okay?" Quinn growled. "She kinda grew on me after all this time. Now would you, please, tell me?" She tried again, figuring the therapist was just trying to fish this confession out of her.

"Well, it's good to know you care about someone. It's important that you establish friendsh-" Quinn cut the therapist short before the eminent pep talk could start.

"Can you please tell me? You need to tell me… I can't go on." Quinn begged in a sigh, hiding her face in her hands to hide any stray tears that insisted on running away from her eyes.

"Of course you can, Quinn. Days go by fast. You went through yesterday without her. I _assure_ you that you can go through tomorrow. You are stronger than you think!" The therapist tried to reach for her hand, but Quinn winced away shaking her head.

"I'm not… You don't understand." Quinn mashed her lips together, chewing on her cheek. She didn't want to give away too much, but she didn't find another way to convince the doctor. "You don't what she means to me."

No one could understand. No one was on her shoes to feel how much it hurt to be completely unable to do anything to help the one you love. Only she knew how her heart felt like it was being punched with every heartbeat, or how any sound of steps she heard on the hallway made her stomach flutter in anticipation before being absolutely crushed.

"You know, I think you are the only person who still thinks that no one knows about the two of you."

Quinn was taken in surprise and her head perked up to see if the therapist wasn't bluffing, but the woman looked far too confident. Part of her was relieved that they went for so long knowing and hadn't done anything to separate the two of them. But the other part was absolutely furious that even though they knew they weren't willing to help her.

"Then why are you playing me? Why didn't you just say so instead of pushing me with every session and trying to make me say it?" Quinn questioned, feeling her blood run to her head.

"We need to hear it from you. At first I thought you weren't saying it because you were afraid of how you felt. But then I realized you were afraid of us. And you shouldn't feel like that. I've always told you, Quinn, we're here to help you. Not to make your life any harder." The therapist said it all so calmly, that Quinn's rage started to fade. She was still dubious of the woman's reasons, but she let her speak further. "We let you think we didn't know because we knew it would make you calmer that way. And it did. You were far more cooperative, and that's why your privileges were extended like they did. We never bended the rules so far as we did for you."

Her reasoning was far more calming them Quinn thought they would be, and although she was still waiting for a catch somewhere, she decided to let herself believe it.

"Okay." Quinn nodded taking a deep breath. "Then help me now. I'm begging for your help, and if you know the least of me, you know I wouldn't beg unless I had any other way. I need you to tell me what's happening to her. I need to know if she's okay."

"Quinn, I'm telling you. There's nothing you can do to help her right now. The doctors are taking the best care of her, and her fathers have been contacted. She's in good hands, and she'll be fine soon." The therapist gave her a bland smile, trying to make her less anxious, which didn't work at all.

"Why won't you tell me?" Quinn cried out, punching her own legs and sighing in frustration. It really was reassuring to know that Rachel had her fathers with her, but Quinn was still felling terrified for not knowing what was going on. Especially since the fact they had called Rachel's fathers made her think it was something even more serious than she originally though.

"You know Quinn, one of the first things you learn when you're becoming a psychologist is that you need to have a psychologist of your own. You need someone to help you, because when you're trying to fix a broken person you are bound to get hurt on their shattered pieces." The therapist said, and she didn't have to explain herself any further so that Quinn could get what she was really trying to say.

"But we're helping each other!" Quinn tried to convince the doctor. "She's so much better! She's going outside, and she's not having nightmares, and she's happy! She's happy with me! And I'm happy with her, and I'm better too. Aren't I?" She questioned, but not in doubt. She knew she was better – much better than she had been in a long time.

"She's helping you, that's right." The therapist nodded. "But you're not helping her as much as you think you are. The medicines are helping her. The way she opens up at every one of her therapy sessions is helping her. The fact that she wants to get better and fights for it, it's helping her. She would be getting better with or without you. In fact, you're holding her back. She sees _your_ insecurities and reproduces it, even if unconsciously. She takes comfort on what you provide her and she doesn't go further because she's afraid you might not be able to keep up pace."

The therapist words hit her like a bullet. It's like every uncertainty and fear she's ever had is instantly materialized right in front of her, and she had no way of turning back. If everything the doctor was saying was true, there was nothing she could do to go back in time and change things in a way that she could actually help Rachel. At this point, she didn't even mind letting the doctor watch her crying anymore. No one should be expected to have their heart taken out of their chest and keep smiling.

"That's not true..." Quinn fights, shaking her head and barely swallowing her tears. "I take care of her. I take good care of her. She loves me!"

"That's the thing with you, Quinn. You like being the caretaker. You help her with things she didn't even need help in the first place. By taking care, you feel in control. But most importantly, by taking care of her you get a chance to do what you couldn't do with Beth. It's an instinct you've always had but could never act upon. But she's not a baby, Quinn. And she's not _your_ baby. You need her far more than she needs you."

" _No!_ That's _so_ not what this is about!" Quinn half-yelled with a nervous laugh and a vigorous shake of her head. "I've been seeing Beth, and even though I love her to death I know I wouldn't be ready for the responsibility. I don't regret giving her up, at all. And what I have with Rachel, has nothing to do with my relationship with Beth. You know, there are _things_ I do to Rachel and I _assure_ you Beth is the last thing on my mind during. You can't just take your presumptions as ultimate true and ignore what I'm telling you! I know I had a hard time dealing with my feelings, okay? And I know I don't always say the truth in here, but I'm being honest now, I swear. This is not what you think it is. This is just two people falling in love! I mean, how could I not? Have you seen Rachel? I would fall in love with her regardless of how or where we met!" Quinn tried to keep herself calm, but she couldn't stop her shaking hands.

"Quinn, even if this is as you paint and everything I said is wrong. Even then, this can't be like it is. You can't depend on her to be happy! And right now, it's not even a matter of being happy. You're putting your life in risk by not taking your medicines for the sole purpose of getting her back." The therapist tried to explain, but Quinn couldn't listen. She shook her head vigorously, trying to make what she was hearing disappear. But the therapist went on. "You can not be this dependent! Just like a rich person wouldn't bet all of their money in just one investment, you can't expect all of your needs to be satisfied by one single person."

"No, no, no! See, you don't get it! I'm not acting like this because I want her back – although I do want her back. But mostly, I just want to know what's going with her!" Quinn sighed deeply, giving in and letting her deepest fears come out. "I need to know what she's going through because being kept in the dark makes me imagine the most horrible things and I literally can't lay my head down on a pillow when my head keeps telling me that she might as well be nearly dead and no one is telling me! I don't need her to be with me, I just need her to be okay..."

"Yeah? Okay." The therapist gave in. "She's been diagnosed with Thrombocytopenia." Quinn frowned in horror, and the therapist explained. "Her platelets count was dangerously low. Which is why her nose was bleeding, for example. The doctors assume it's because of her medications, so they changed it again. But while the other medicine isn't out of her system and the count is still too low, she has to take a few blood transfusions. She's not going to die, if that's what you're worried about. It's something serious, but they have taken action already and now it's only a matter of time until she is good again."

"Is it contagious?" Quinn asked with a shy bite on her lip.

"No. It was caused by her medications." The therapist explained with a small frown. They both knew why Quinn had asked that particular question.

"Then why can't I see her?" Quinn whined, but the therapist was already shaking her head.

"See, Quinn? It wasn't just about knowing if she's well. You are never satisfied. And she can't provide you everything you need." The small smile in the therapist's face made Quinn want to die. She hated how smug the woman looked for supposably being right.

"I just miss her… I want to hear her telling me that she's okay. I don't want her to think she's alone through this. I wanna be there for her." Quinn tried to win her over by showing compassion instead of letting the rage inside of her come out, but she knew her chances were slim.

"She knows she's not alone, Quinn. Her fathers are there with her. She's fine, I assure you. This is about you, and you're the only one who can't see it."

"Okay, fuck it, you're right. I need her. I need her badly. When is she coming back?" Quinn finally yelled. She couldn't hold herself for much longer.

"We're not sure, Quinn. We're not sure if keeping you two as roommates is still a good idea." Quinn froze immediately at the therapist's words. If she thought her tears had drained before, she was wrong. They came back in full force. "We won't forbid you from seeing each other – we have no way of doing that once she's back. But maybe you could cut back on being together all the time. That will be better for the both of you. You will get better, and you won't grow more dependent."

"No! You can't do this! Please!" Quinn begged, falling on to her knees. "I'll do my best to push her further to get better soon, and I won't ask for as much, I swear. I promise you I won't hold her back! I won't help her as much and I'll let her do things on her own, but please don't take her away from me!"

"Quinn. We're still thinking." The therapist remained calm, giving a hand to help get Quinn back up. "You freaking out like this, it isn't gonna help. You need to collect yourself."

"Okay. You're right." Quinn nodded, wiping a tear and taking a deep breath as she sat back down. "I'm freaking out. Okay, so can you… Can you call Shelby? And tell her to bring Beth over?" She asked, but her therapist frowned in confusion. "I need to occupy my mind with something then. So I won't go crazy thinking what they're doing to Rachel at this very moment, or how's she feeling, or if she needs anything. And Beth always makes me feel good."

"No, Quinn." The therapist refused politely. "Not while you're not behaving. You've lost your privileges, remember?"

"How do you think keeping me from everyone I love is gonna help me get better?" Quinn screamed, pulling her hair between her fingers. She hated how powerless she felt and she didn't know how to deal with everything she had just heard. "I'm here, I'm asking for you to help me and you're denying it. This is how I cope with things. I need people that I care about to distract me so that I won't go crazy overthinking everything." But the therapist shook her head once more, and Quinn threatened. "It's the only way I know how to cope, and you're not letting me. You're digging my grave. I hope you like how it feels when my blood runs through your hands."

* * *

Quinn felt like her energy was drained out of her. She skipped dinner that night, even though she already had skipped lunch. She knew this was the kind of thing that only made it more difficult for her to win back her privileges, but only thinking about food was already making her stomach feel sick.

Her mind wouldn't stop going through everything the therapist had told her, and she was scared to think that a good part of it was true. Like she had said, she would have fallen in love with Rachel no matter the conditions they found each other. But would the premise be true? Given a different context, where Rachel could choose anyone, would she still choose Quinn? Or did she only chose Quinn because Quinn was the only one in there when she needed?

She couldn't deny, a whole lot made sense. Rachel had asked about group therapy, and Quinn had scared her out of it. It was the only example that came into her mind, but Quinn was sure there must have been others that she was simply not recollecting at the moment. She scared Rachel out of something that could make her get better sooner. Maybe if Rachel didn't have her company all the time, Rachel would have gone out and started socializing already. Quinn felt sobs breaking through her chest as she cried. She was torn between thinking she had just been brainwashed or been told the truth.

Quinn pretended to take her sleeping pill. She already found out what was going on, and she had no reason to go on without taking her medicines. Besides, it would just make it much harder for her to convince them that they should let her and Rachel stay together. If she wanted to have any voice in an argument, she would need to behave like they wanted her to.

But as she laid in bed, she realized it smelled purely like soap. They had changed the sheets, since the last one was covered in blood, and Rachel hadn't laid there ever since. Her bedding didn't smell like Rachel anymore, and every chance she had of stop crying went through the drain. When the pillowcase was soaked in tears, and she realized she really wouldn't be able to sleep, she had a thought of a place she could go to connect with Rachel.

Quinn opened the door and came inside the closet, in the exact spot she had seen Rachel so many times before. The smell of Rachel came from her clothes, and when she closed her eyes she could almost faintly smile at the warm feeling the smell gave her. Rachel was much smaller than she is, so she was nowhere close to being comfortable in there. However, any pain the position could cause her would never be as hurtful as the pain she felt inside for not being able to be with Rachel.

She hoped Rachel was okay. She hoped her fathers were taking care of her. And, as strange as it may seems, she hoped that Rachel didn't miss her. Not that she wanted anything the therapist told to be truth – but she would rather have Rachel not need her than being in pain for needing her and not having her there.


	35. If I hear your voice: Chapter 34

**A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry I'm not updating as frequently. I wanted to finish the story before the Holidays, but I got caught up in the middle of a hurricane made out of assignments, papers and exams and couldn't get out until now. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing good on their finals. Enjoy this chapter and please, review!**

* * *

Chapter 34 - If I hear your voice I'll be fine

Quinn tried her best. She fought against herself every morning to manage to get out of bed and do everything she was required to. She started taking her medicines again, and although she felt like she could barely stand up on her own, she forced herself to go to therapy everyday. She knew she wouldn't get what she wanted unless she behaved exactly as she was told, and she did the best she could.

But it wasn't easy at all. She wanted to cooperate, but she had no way of telling her stomach it needed to hold food down. There was nothing she could do when she looked down to her plate and instead of wanting to eat she just felt an urge to cry. Her stomach growled all day long. She knew she needed to eat. She knew she was hungry. But her arms weren't strong enough to lift the spoon. Her mouth wasn't strong enough to open up. She just leaned her head against the table and closed her eyes, in hope food would magically get inside of her without her needing to move.

She felt more and more tired each day. Her eyes stung and she yawned constantly, but she couldn't bear the idea of closing her eyes and missing the moment Rachel would come back through their bedroom door. She wanted to be awake when it happened. She was exhausted, but she knew it wasn't the sort of tiredness sleep would solve.

So when she asked her therapist to be allowed to see Rachel, since she had been behaving, and received a no with the argument that she wasn't eating or sleeping, she felt like a failure. She was failing herself, and most of all, she was failing Rachel. She was failing in the sense that she wasn't strong enough to do basic daily tasks, even though she knew this was what was keeping her away from the person she needed the most at that moment.

As days went on, Quinn felt herself getting weaker. It was almost as if all the sadness she hadn't felt in the last months came rushing back, all at once. And she was not strong enough to hold it all in. She felt powerless. It was absurdly frustrating to realize she couldn't even control herself anymore.

Loneliness hit her stronger than ever. It felt worse to be alone now that she knew how amazing it was to have someone who loved her by her side. And it felt even worst to hear the back of her mind trying to convince her that it would have been better if she hadn't known Rachel at all than to have her taken away from her life so merciless.

It was a bad side of her she had long time no seen. It was all her insecurities coming together, and telling her that there was no way Rachel could have possibly loved her. How could someone love a person as broken as her? Quinn wondered everyday, and was terrified when she couldn't find an answer. She was aware Rachel wasn't in her best moments either, but she realized Rachel had reasons for her suffering. And even then, she was still better at handling them, and stronger than Quinn. And even then, she was able to make everyone, from the therapist to the lunch lady, to be infatuated by her shy smile and kind eyes.

But Quinn? No matter how many people told her she was strong, she would never believe them. She had scars all over her body to prove everyone wrong. And if they just had a glimpse of the thoughts that rolled through her mind, they wouldn't think twice before leaving her – just like everyone else did. Just like Rachel did. Quinn couldn't blame her. Every day she grew more certain that Rachel was okay without her. After all, if Rachel needed her as much as she thought, Rachel would have reached out for her already. No one would deny it if Rachel asked to see her. No one could deny Rachel's wishes – even more now, that she had her fathers on her side.

It shattered her inside. Rachel gave her the reason she had longed for all her life. Rachel had been the light who guided her to take her best decisions, and helped to keep the monsters from her mind away. Knowing that Rachel needed her was a reason for her to keep trying every day. Rachel was the reason for her to be alive and to know life was worth living. But if she had been wrong all along – if Rachel didn't really need her – what was she there for?

Her mind was getting tired of thinking. Her heart was sinking with every beat. She was tired of fighting, and everything stopped feeling like a challenge when she realized there was no way she could win. There was no one there to wipe her tears away. No one to tell her everything would be alright. Everything she needed was for Rachel to come back and tell her that all the bad thoughts in her mind was merely delusional. That she still loved her, even though Quinn didn't deserve.

Quinn stopped leaving her bed. One kind nurse tried to win her over by bringing her some cookies, knowing how many meals she had already skipped. But the nurse didn't know what cookies meant for her. She had no way of knowing how those cookies would just drag Quinn ever lower. It got to a point where Quinn couldn't remember how her days had been, and wasn't sure if she was falling asleep or fainting from weakness. She stopped getting up altogether. It wasn't because she didn't want to try, but just because she didn't have any more strength to fight against herself.

When she saw her therapist accompanied by two of her doctors entering her room, she knew she was in trouble. It was just a matter of time until they intervened in the behavior taken by them as destructive. They didn't understand how hard she was trying. They didn't know what it was like to try to stay alive when her own mind told her that fighting isn't worth it.

She started crying as they reached out for her. She clung to her pillow, in a vain attempt of keeping herself together, but she felt the sobs ripping out her throat. Death itself could come through that door, and Quinn wouldn't be so hostile. Quinn watched as their eyes went wide in surprise. Every doctor in the mental ward was aware of Quinn's anger issues, and most of them had seen her attacking someone. But none of them were expecting to see Quinn so vulnerable.

She could see their mouths moving, and she knew they were talking. But somehow, she couldn't make up what they were saying. She didn't hear a word. It was the first time that instead of having her jumping on them, they saw her trying to escape from them. She thought they would finally realize how bad she was having it, and give her the help she was begging. But they just pushed her further, until she heard the one sentence that broke her down completely.

"Quinn, this is not gonna get you what you want. You are _never_ gonna see her again if you keep acting like this."

For a second, she could swear the world had stopped. It felt like all her surroundings moved in slow motion, and even her voice came out distorted when she finally managed to open her mouth to take a stand.

"You can't!" Quinn yelled back. She had no idea where she gathered the strength, but before she knew she was already sitting up in bed and screaming at them. "You can't keep us separated! We're married!" She screamed between sobs.

The pain had grown to its limits. Quinn could no longer hold it inside of her. She needed relief, she needed release. She took both hands to her head and got a handful of hair in each, pulling it with all of her strength and screaming incessantly. But it wasn't enough. It didn't hurt enough. She needed more. She needed to cut. She needed the pain she felt inside to match her physical pain. But she knew she wouldn't find a blade anywhere so soon.

"What is she talking about?" One of the doctors asked, as the nurse vainly tried to grab Quinn's hand and stop her from pulling all her hair off.

"I have no idea- I think she might be delusional!" The other doctor answered. "Go get help! Now!" He asked the other doctor, who ran out of the room instantly.

"We're supposed to be together _forever_!" She shouted, and in a swift movement that no one could prevent or stop, she punched the wall. She punched it so hard that the noise of her bones cracking was listened loudly through her hurtful screams. Although she had been a master in the art of slapping people, she had never punched anyone, and didn't exactly know how to. But the sensation of her bone bent inside her hand didn't feel half as bad as it should.

It still wasn't enough. The pain inside of her was still much bigger than the outside pain. For someone who hadn't eaten anything in days, Quinn was unbelievably strong. When the doctor managed to grab and hold Quinn's hand still, she wasn't done torturing herself yet. Kicking the nurse who tried to grab her legs down to the floor, Quinn started banging her head hard against the wall.

"Ms. Fabray! Stop! You need to control yourself!" The doctor yelled, but Quinn didn't quit. She beat her head against the wall once and once again, until her forehead opened in a cut and the blood started running through the wall. Seeing the blood made her heart flutter, and pushed her to go further and harder.

"Let go of me! Let me feel the pain!" Quinn cried loudly, protesting as the doctor held her tighter and tried to move her away from anything she could use to hurt herself. "Let me go… Let me go..." She sobbed, until her body started feeling heavy.

Quinn felt the needle getting through the muscle in her arm and winced, trying to prevent it. But she knew it was coming. Instantly, she felt all of her muscles giving in. There was nothing she could do but cry silently under the doctor's strong arms. She knew the feeling well. The world faded out. The wars in her mind ceased. Reality became just a whisper. But even then, she missed half of herself. The half Rachel took away with her.

* * *

Quinn lost track of time. With the blinds closed, she wasn't able to see sunrises and sunsets. She couldn't get the sense of days and nights. She had no idea for how long they had kept her down, but she felt like years had passed. She regained conscious slowly, but still wasn't able to move at all – not even to open her eyes. It was scarier than she would like to admit.

Again, she had no idea how long it had been, but she started regaining senses, one by one. It all started with taste. She could feel the most horrible taste in her mouth. Worst than anything she had ever tasted. Then, she started to hear low sounds coming from the hallway. It all sounded much more faded than usual, but she could make up a few voices and hear steps. The smell in the room wasn't so great either, which made Quinn realize it had been at least a couple days since she was put down – she needed a shower immediately.

Quinn wondered if this was how comatose people felt like. She couldn't believe people would spent _months_ under this feeling, because she was already close to freaking out. She wondered if maybe something had gone wrong and she was stuck like that forever. The thought send her a shiver down her spine. After what felt like forever, she was able to mover her toes and fingers just slightly, and breathed out in relief.

When Quinn was finally able to flutter her eyes opened, she stopped pitying comatose people. At least they always woke up to someone waiting for them, and they were happy to know they were alive. She woke up to the so familiar empty room and the feeling of an empty chest. That alone terrified her more than any other previous thought she had. She knew it was the medicine acting, and she hated every single second of it. She hated being depressed, but she would choose it a million times over feeling nothing.

After letting her eyes settle to the luminosity, Quinn was able to move much more freely. Turning her head to the side, she found an I.V. inserted in her arm and huffed. If this was the source of the medicine that was making her feel like that, she was having no more of it. She reached out for the tube with her other hand, and pulled it slowly. Quinn bit down her lips at the stinging sensation of the tube coming out, and moaned lowly when she saw blood emerging from the small hole it left.

Of course, her delight couldn't last for too long. A moment later a nurse was already coming inside the room, after calling out the doctor. Quinn sighed and closed her eyes. She wasn't ready at all to interact with them once more. She suddenly was reminded of everything that had made them put her under, and looking to her other hand realized it was imobilized. In her forehead, her fingers could feel the stitches – and she was quite impressed at how many it needed.

"Welcome back, Mrs. Fabray." Said the doctor, taking a stethoscope to her chest while the nurse stuck a band-aid on her arm, where the I.V. was pulled out. "I hope you're able to control yourself now."

"Fuck you." Quinn murmured under her breath, closing her eyes and letting them check her vitals. Not that she was okay with it, or with anything they did for what mattered, but she just didn't feel strong enough to fight.

"We're gonna let you have some time to come back to your senses. Buzz a nurse when you ready to have an adult conversation." The doctor said arrogantly, before leaving.

Quinn thought she was alone again, but kept her eyes closed. When she felt a finger gently running on her forehead, she jumped in startle. A figment of her heart wanted to hope it was Rachel, and although it was improbable, she was still disappointed when she opened her eyes to find the nurse looking back at her.

"These will heal up nicely. I think you won't even get a scar." She said. "Do you need anything? Are you hungry?" The nurse asked, much kinder than the doctor had been. Quinn shook her head slowly with a sigh. "Water, maybe?"

Quinn was surprised to see the nurse treating her so well. It was the very same one she had kicked during her meltdown, and she didn't expect the woman to forgive her so quickly. She considered apologizing, but when she reminded how she was feeling just because of the medication they gave her, she gave up on it.

"Water is fine." Quinn nodded with a deep sigh. She doubted water would take the horrible taste from her mouth, but it was better than nothing.

"You know, they probably won't tell you this..." The nurse said in a whisper, and caught Quinn's attention immediately. "You threw up a lot." That explained why her mouth tasted awful, but Quinn didn't understand why she was being told it. She frowned, and the nurse went on. "They tried to feed you, but you threw it all up. That's why you got the I.V. And that's how they were convinced you weren't just acting out and throwing a fit to get what you wanted." The nurse got closer, and whispered even lower. "I could see that what you two had was special from the very first day. I haven't gone to med school, but I would say if they took so long to realize it, they're pretty shit doctors."

Quinn stood still, fluttering her eyes a few time, before chuckling lightly. She wondered why she had never paid attention to this particular nurse before, and if she had always been this nice. Quinn looked up in her eyes, and saw a familiar kindness coming from them. She reminded Quinn of Rachel, and Quinn couldn't help sighing with a smile.

"Thank you." Quinn whispered back. "For telling me. And also for being so nice."

"It's my job, right?" The nurse smiled back, taking Quinn's now empty cup. "Call me if you need anything else. They will probably come back soon to try and talk to you."

* * *

Quinn tried to eat a few of the cookies the nurse left her. The fact that she was able to eat them without breaking down and crying just showed her how strong were the medicines she had been given. But as she ate, she felt it wearing off. The first sign was her hand, which started hurting as she tried to move it. From that, to her heart to start feeling the pain again, was simply a matter of seconds.

She wouldn't complain though. She never complained about physical pain. In fact, she tried to move her hand all the time, because she enjoyed the shiver running all the way up from her arm until she flinched in pain. Although the pain from being away from Rachel wasn't as wanted and pleasant, she knew it was necessary. It was this pain that would push her to be strong enough to fight in that moment when she needed her fists to fight for two.

When her eyes teared up at the second she saw her therapist coming inside, she knew this wouldn't end up well. She had been working hard on how to manage her anger, and up until recently it had worked well. But no one told her how to work on controlling her frustration and the pain that grew inside of her every time she reminded they had taken the one thing she loved away from her.

"Glad to see you awake, Quinn." The therapist nodded with a small smile, sitting on a chair by Quinn's bed. At least they hadn't make her get up – which was as far as they would go, empathy-wise.

"I would have been awake earlier if you weren't drugging me." Quinn replied with a sarcastic huff.

"Let's not start like this, alright? We're here to talk maturely. You're not a child anymore, Quinn. You can't keep this attitude." Said the therapist, getting Quinn to roll her eyes at her. "How do you feel?"

"Awful." Quinn replied blatantly.

"You know, it's just a matter of time, Quinn. That's what is good about humans. We adapt, and we're resilient. With time, you will get used to it. Nothing hurts forever." The therapist tried to soothe her, putting her hand on the edge of the bed. Quinn winced away, scooting closer to the wall and further from any physical contact.

"Then tell me why do I just miss her more and more every waken second?" Quinn tried to say confidently, but her voice cracked by the end of the sentence at the very moment a stubborn tear strayed from her eyes. She wiped it away quickly, hoping the therapist wouldn't notice.

"Because you got used to her company, and people crave that. They crave social interaction. You ran away from it for too long before she came here, and when you found her you clung to her in an unhealthy way. But she's not irreplaceable." Quinn closed her eyes. She wished there was a way she could just stop hearing such things. "You need to go out, make new friends. You'll see that in no time she will be just one among the others." The therapist completed.

"You see, that's where you are wrong. If you want me to go out and talk to the whole hospital, I will." She nodded, licking her lips and trying to not let it show how nervous this idea even made her. "I'll become friends with every single patient if that's what it takes to get her back. Because I know _for sure_ , that none of them would be even close to what she is to me." Quinn was doing well holding herself together up until then. When a hiccup escaped from her mouth, bringing shy sobs with it, she knew she wouldn't be able to swallow her tears any longer. "You don't understand how much I love her."

"Quinn, love isn't this ethereal thing you imagine. You're too young to understand what real love is. If you really loved her, you would let her be, because we both know that this is what is bett-" The therapist was cut short by Quinn.

"No, no, no!" Quinn exclaimed. "You're the one who doesn't understand what real love is! I just want to make her happy! And I know I can! You haven't ever seen the look in her eyes after we kiss. I had kissed _so_ many people before her and yet I had no idea what was supposed to feel like. But the moment our lips touched I knew. I was _sure_. I tried to deny it to myself, but she's been the one thing in my life I have been sure from the very beginning. The moment I kissed her, I knew I didn't want to kiss anyone else. My lips _belong_ to her." Quinn noticed she was getting worked up again, and tried to calm herself down by taking a few deep breaths, before continuing in a whisper. "And you can't ever tell me she doesn't feel the same, because you don't see her from where I see. You don't see her smiling at me when we wake up together, and you don't see how ridiculously adorable she looks while she brushes her teeth. All you get is one hour a day with her, and you can't even be sure if what she tells you is the truth. She could be lying to you, just like I did so many times. But I know she would never lie to me. She _loves_ me."

Quinn was surprised to see how long the therapist had let her argue without intervening or adding any comments. She also noticed the therapist didn't have her notebook this time, and wasn't scribbling everything down, like usually. Quinn knew there was something different about this session, and she just wished she knew what was going on.

"I never said she didn't love you, Quinn." The therapist said, after waiting for Quinn to be calmer. "And I'm not saying you two can't ever be together. What I need you to understand is that you two aren't at your best right now. You two need to get better, independently, before you can be good to each other. Once you two are well and out of here, it is none of my business what you two do, and I honestly wish nothing but happiness for you. But this isn't the time." She finished with a brief pause between each word, but it was too late. Quinn was already bawling loudly and hugging a pillow against her body with all her strength. "Look at you, Quinn. You're a mess."

"I know I am..." Quinn said between sobs. "But she is too. She is my mess, but I love her anyway." Quinn shouted.

The therapist shook her head lightly and got up on her feet. Quinn's eyes went wide, and she was terrified the therapist was going to call the doctors to tranquilize her again. She got up from bed instantly and followed the woman, grabbing her arm just before she could reach the door.

"Please! I'm not gonna do anything, I promise. I'm just crying, I swear!" Quinn begged, falling slowly to the ground as she realized her legs still weren't able to hold her up.

"Quinn, calm down. You need to calm down, okay?" The therapist talked to her, but Quinn was already out. She didn't want to be drugged again, and she couldn't do anything but shake her head violently and cry harder. "I'm gonna get her, Quinn, but you need to calm down!" The therapist argued, trying to get her arm away from Quinn's reach.

"You're not!" Quinn shouted. "You're just lying so that I will be quiet! You just want me to shut the fuck up!"

When she heard the door closing, Quinn laid down on the floor and hugged her own legs, curling herself on a tight ball. She wasn't sure if those were still reactions from the medicine, but the noises started to fade away again. Her vision became blurry, blinded by the so many tears. Her body shook and her mind swirled and heart raced.

Suddenly, she felt arms wrapping her up.

"I've got you… It's okay, I've got you, baby! It's okay, Quinn..."

Quinn could recognize that voice anywhere. When she opened her eyes and met Rachel's, she sobbed harder. If this was dreaming or hallucinating, she would just be sure that her brain was trying to get killed. It was just too ruthless for her mind to fool her like that.

But then, Rachel leaned and dropped a sweet peck on her lips.

And Quinn could swear they tasted like coming home.


	36. And I don't deserve you: Chapter 35

Chapter 35 - And I don't deserve you

Quinn cried even harder when she realized it really was Rachel's arms around her. She held Rachel so tightly that she knew it would hurt her, but she couldn't take any chances on losing Rachel again. The doctor soon left the room, leaving the two of them alone, much for Quinn's relief.

After long minutes of incontrollable sobs, Quinn was able to begin to calm down. But then, she had to deal with the shame of having Rachel seen her like that - while she was completely broken down. She had seen Rachel in the same situation several times, but when it was her turn, she was much more insecure than she should be. She had always been taught that people would admire her for her strength, and she wished Rachel wouldn't have seen that so weak side of her.

"Hey..." Rachel's sweet voice called her, bringing her back from her thoughts. It was just as if Rachel knew she needed to be reassured. "Are you feeling better?" She asked in a murmur, with her lips brushing gently against Quinn's hair. Quinn kept her face hidden on the girl's neck, still too shy to look up.

"Yeah." Quinn answered after gathering up courage. She was suddenly much more conscious that she still didn't know how much time had passed since the last time she saw Rachel, or the last time she showered, for what mattered. "Mhm- Could you perhaps help me get to the bathroom?" She asked timidly. Her legs still didn't feel as steady as she wished, and she made a mental note to eat something as soon as she was done showering.

"Of course I can! C'mere!" Rachel said, propping herself on the bed to support both of them and getting up, bringing Quinn along. She shoved Quinn's arm around her neck, and wrapped Quinn's waist, helping her to walk slowly towards the bathroom. "Do you wanna take a shower? I can help you." Rachel offered kindly.

"You don't have to, I- It's okay. I got it." Quinn acted overly confident, trying to maintain the rest of dignity she had. But just as usual, Rachel saw right through her. Time apart wouldn't be enough take this ability away from Rachel.

"Quinn, that's nonsense. You're still weak, let me help you. It's not like we haven't done this before. And you have helped me, too. It's fine, baby!" Rachel reassured her, stroking her cheek softly and dropping a kiss there.

Quinn had always been there for Rachel, but she had never had anyone being there for her. She learned to go through all of her problems alone, and although she didn't have exactly the best coping skills, it's how she dealt with it. She felt slightly uncomfortable being taken care of, because she had always been the done taking care of others. But when Rachel looked at her with so much concern and endearment in her eyes, Quinn couldn't say no.

Once she was clean again, the nurses changed her sheets so that she could lay down. The bedroom was already smelling much better, and Quinn felt almost clean from the heavy medicines. She just had to eat and she would be fine. Luckily, her food was brought to her room, as well as Rachel's. She wouldn't admit, but she was glad to see how the staff was being kind to her.

It was magical to see how her stomach suddenly stopped complaining about the food, just because of Rachel's company. They went through dinner almost in silence, being broken only by talking about nothing particularly important. They didn't need to talk to enjoy each other's presence. Being there was enough, for both of them.

When Rachel laid down next to her, Quinn felt a sudden urge to cry. But it was a good kind of crying. A crying of deep relief, of coming back to where she belonged. However, none of them could deny the air was different since they last saw each other. There was too much mystery about the days they were apart, and Quinn knew for sure she wasn't the only one the therapist tried to convince that a separation would be the best way of dealing with their cases. Just as every other time, Rachel sensed Quinn's anxiety and started the so needed conversation.

"I missed sleeping with you..." Rachel whispered, cuddling up against Quinn's side. "My fathers aren't even near as comfortable as you are."

"I missed you too." Quinn said, smiling lightly. Her cheeks hurt. She probably had spent so many days without smiling that her muscles forgot how it felt. "But is nice that you got to spend time with them." Quinn tried to see the bright side, which was just one of the so many things Rachel had taught her. "How was it?" Quinn didn't have to be any more specific. She knew Rachel would know exactly what to answer.

"Scary, at first." Rachel sighed, and Quinn watched as she licked her trembling lip. "They wouldn't tell me exactly what was happening until they contacted my fathers. I slept there alone the first night, and I just didn't knew what was wrong with me, and I wanted you to be there..." Quinn wrapped her arm around Rachel protectively. It was good to know she wasn't alone in her feelings. "I thought that if I asked for you they would bring you, like they did in that exam. But they told me you were already asleep, and once they gave me the sleeping pill I was knocked down for hours."

"I wasn't." Quinn said, as serious as she could. "Just so you know."

"What?" Rachel asked, in a small frown of confusion.

"I didn't sleep at all that night." Quinn confessed, and Rachel smiled shyly. "I was dead worried. They told me you had to be transferred to an E.R. but didn't gave me any more details and I just…" She sighed, trying not to let her eyes tear up again. "I mean, you could have been dead and I wouldn't know. It was horrible, to say the least." Rachel nodded in comprehension, and Quinn chuckled lightly before nodding towards the closet. "I slept there. To feel closer to you."

"I love you." It was all Rachel could say back, but they both knew it was more than enough. It was everything Quinn needed to hear after those last days. "I asked about you everyday, and they always told me you were fine. When they told me you were sedated and they would transfer me back to help to wake you up…" Rachel sighed, shaking her head quietly in disbelief. "I never felt so betrayed. They're my doctors. How can I trust them when they lied about this? They knew how important it was for me to know that you were okay..." Rachel completed, and Quinn nodded. She was glad to see Rachel felt the same way as she had always felt.

"I'm just glad this is over. It was worse than my worst nightmare." Quinn murmured, dropping a kiss on the top of Rachel's hair and tightening the embrace. Rachel looked up at her with a smile, and gave a peck on her lips before settling her head down on Quinn's chest.

"I can't believe you did this, Quinn..." Rachel sighed, running the tip of her finger on the stitches on Quinn's forehead. Quinn tensed up and bit her lip, knitting her eyebrows together. Rachel's touch had never been undesired, but there was something about the way she said it that made Quinn slightly uncomfortable.

"Don't judge me." Quinn said. She intended to have more authority in her voice, but it cracked and slipped out of her mouth sounding more as a plea.

"I'm not!" Rachel corrected, shaking her head. "I mean, who am I to judge anything..." She chuckled lightly, before completing. "But you can't do this. I know you were upset, but if anything, you should know already that I don't like it when you hurt yourself."

"Well, it worked, didn't it?" Quinn shrugged with a smile, trying to lighten up the mood. "You're back, and that's all that matters."

"I know, but..." Rachel chewed her cheeks, and Quinn could see she was thinking of how she would say what she wanted to. "What if I hadn't? I need to know that you would be okay, you know, in case it ever happens again. You _need_ to be okay."

"It was our therapist, wasn't it?" Quinn shook her head, with a small nervous laugh. "She told you that. She said we're too dependent on each other."

"How did you-" Rachel asked, frowning. Quinn cut her short before she could end.

"She told me the same thing, Rachel. And I _honestly_ hope you didn't believe her, specially now that you have seen how they are manipulating us to try and keep us apart." Quinn realized she sounded harsher than she intended, and swallowed hard waiting for Rachel to have any reaction.

"It's not like I fell for it but… Well, she does have a point, Quinn." Rachel said shyly, avoiding Quinn's eyes. "I mean, can I really say that I've made any progress? I can go out and eat and be alright when you're with me, but I can't do it alone. Am I really any better?" She questioned with a sigh, and Quinn closed her eyes tightly. It was like this nightmare wouldn't ever end. "It's not like I can expect you to be with me all the time… I need to be able to do things on my own."

"I don't mind being with you all the time. In fact, that's why I married you, remember?" Quinn forced a smile, trying to hide her fears and make Rachel forget everything she had been told.

"But what if you can't? Let's say we get out of here together, and we're married and happy. But then one day you get a cold and you're feeling very bad and I want to go and buy some medicines for you. I would need to be able to go out on my own. I can't rely on you forever." Rachel explained, searching for Quinn's eyes this time, trying to make her understand. "It's not that I don't want to be with you all the time, is that I need to _be able to_ in an emergency."

"Okay." Quinn gave in. She could fight forever, but she knew Rachel had a point. She couldn't stop Rachel from getting better just because she liked the feeling of protecting her. "We can work on that." She sighed, but smiled to reassure Rachel. She would need to work on that with herself first, to then be able to think of it without getting anxious.

"So, on to that…" Rachel cleared her throat, giving back the smile she got. "They introduced me to a boy on E.R. He's here at the mental ward too, but he's younger than us. He's like 13, I think. His name is Joel. And he doesn't have any friends either, so they thought it would be nice for us to bond. I actually managed to get a small talk going with him, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

Quinn felt her blood running thicker and her heart beating faster. She knew she shouldn't get intimidated by such a young boy, specially taken that Rachel was a lesbian, but she couldn't help it. She hadn't fought so hard to lose Rachel now. Although Rachel would probably not reciprocate anything, she knew this could not be enough to prevent the boy from trying. Quinn knew boys. And that's why she didn't like them.

"So you just talked? And that was it?" Quinn checked, swallowing dryly and rubbing a hand on her forehead. She didn't want Rachel to see how upset she had gotten over it, but she had never been able to hide anything from Rachel.

"Don't be jealous, Quinn. He's a kid!" Rachel replied playfully, poking Quinn's ribs and dropping a kiss on her cheek. "Besides, I'm married. To you."

"I'm not jealous." Quinn frowned. "I'm just curious, about the things you were doing. With him. And without me."

"That sounds a lot like jealously to me. But there's really no reason for it, okay? I'll tell you about everything we do." Rachel reassured her, brushing a thumb on Quinn's cheek. Rachel's touch had always have a magical calming effect on Quinn, but not this time.

"I think- I think I actually would rather not know." Quinn answered, scrunching up her nose and then shaking her head to try and shake off the thoughts that haunted her. "Can we go to sleep? I'm tired. It's been a long day."

"Yeah, okay." Rachel nodded. "Goodnight, Quinn. I love you, okay? I love you very much." Rachel whispered into her ear, dropping a kiss on her neck that made her whole body shiver.

She hated how she could never be mad at Rachel.

* * *

When they walked hand in hand into the cafeteria, and Quinn felt everyone's eyes on them, she felt different. It was relieving that they didn't have to hide it from everyone anymore. She felt proud to let people know Rachel was hers – especially considering Rachel would now start to try making friends, it was good to know people knew they shouldn't try any funny business with her girl. But most of all, Quinn was happy to have Rachel back. Their little routine was odd when compared to most couples, but they've found peace in it. Doing those little things together is what made hospital life feel less bad for them.

Quinn set her coat at the table they usually used and was moving to go grab her food when Rachel grabbed her by the arm, stopping her.

"Do you mind waiting a moment?" Rachel asked apprehensively. Quinn tilted her head in confusion, and Rachel cleared it up. "I wanted to try and go get my food alone. Could you wait here?" She said, bitting her lip.

"Oh, sure! Yeah! Go ahead!" Quinn replied with a vigorous nod, sitting down. She would always admire Rachel's courage. Besides, that didn't feel as bad as she expected the whole progress thing to be.

"But can you keep an eye on me? Like, anything happens..." Rachel asked, scrunching up her nose. Quinn could see that she was nervous, but that's what she loved the most about Rachel. She always faced her fears.

"Of course I can. I always will, love. But relax, nothing's gonna happen. You're fine!" Quinn reassured her, stroking her thumb on the back of Rachel's palm.

She blew Rachel a kiss and watched silently as Rachel went through all the stations. It was irrefutable that Rachel had everyone captivated by her at that institution. Quinn could see everyone of the lunch ladies smiling proudly as they disposed food in Rachel's tray, and Rachel always smiled back and gave them a small nod as a thank you. When Rachel came back, Quinn grinned excitedly and congratulated her from the bottom of her heart. It was baby steps, but she knew this is how it would be better for both of them.

Quinn couldn't ignore the effects of the mixed medication in her body. They had changed her previous medication, taking the fact that she freaked out without Rachel as evidence that the medicine isn't working. Starting a brand new medication always gave her bad days, but starting a new one after being completely sedated for only God knows how long, managed to be even worse.

She was having mood swings that even though she fought hard, were getting harder to keep under control. Quinn felt trapped in an endless PMSing week, so strong that not even she could stand herself and her moods. Rachel understood her. She always did. She had been through medication changes too, and she knew how awful those were. She was being extra patient with every whine or complaint Quinn did. But it was hard to be prepared when not even Quinn knew how sudden her mood could change.

Quinn and Rachel were happily hanging in their room after lunch. Again, routine did them well. Rachel drew while Quinn read, and as far as Quinn knew, they were both content. Even though they weren't chatting, Quinn thrived on knowing Rachel was _just_ there. This was the only way she could concentrate enough to read. Knowing that if Rachel needed something she would be the first one to know was extremely comforting for her.

"Do you wanna go shower?" Quinn suggested, poking Rachel lightly with her feet. "I mean, since you have therapy in a few hours." It was such a small act, reminding Rachel of her few obligations. But it gave Quinn a sense of purpose, as if she were being useful for once.

"Actually, I had scheduled with Joel to meet at the arts and crafts room for half an hour before my therapy." Rachel said with a sigh, laying her head down on Quinn's legs. "The doctors said it would be good to schedule it like this, when I have something afterwards. Because knowing exactly how long it will last can help me stay less nervous."

"Oh..." Quinn mouthed, nodding her head with an annoyed pout, and pulling her legs to herself. Rachel's head fell on the mattress with a bump, and she frowned, rubbing the back of her head. Quinn wasn't sure what she hated more about all of this: the fact that Rachel was going to meet that boy, or the fact that she hadn't cared to tell Quinn before.

"But I mean… I can stay, I guess? If you want me to." Rachel answered with a small shrug and a forced smile. She had realized Quinn was unhappy, and was trying to cheer her up, as usual. But Quinn was finding it incredibly easier to resist to Rachel's tricks. And it scared her.

"No. Go." Quinn answered dryly, not lifting her eyes from the book. She had lost her ability to focus, and was just aimlessly skimming through the page to give the impression she was interested. Anything to avoid looking at Rachel's eyes.

"Quinn, I'm serious. I can stay if you need me." Rachel tried to soothe her, placing her hand carefully on top of Quinn's arm. Quinn had to stop herself from wincing in reflex. It was the kind of reflex Rachel had never triggered before, and it made Quinn swallow hard.

"I don't need you to pity me, Rachel. Just go. I'll be fine." Quinn breathed deeply. She didn't want to snap at Rachel, but she felt her insides burning with utter rage. She knew she was overreacting. She knew it was the medicine's fault. She knew she couldn't take it off on Rachel.

"Quinn, don't be like that…" Rachel pouted quietly, taking a streak of Quinn's hair and placing it behind her ear. "I came back for you. You should be supporting me!"

"Don't throw that on me. You came back because you missed me too. I'm not alone in this. You weren't doing me a favor." Quinn said harshly, looking deeply in Rachel's eyes. She saw Rachel shivering and her reflection in Rachel's eyes made herself shiver too. Rachel was scared. She wanted to stop. She didn't want to argue. But something kept pushing her further. "I supported you at lunch. You don't have to change everything about you on the same day."

"Of course I wanted to come back! I missed you, I love you. You don't need to lash out on me." Rachel whispered. Hearing her say she loved Quinn always made Quinn's heart melt. But in that day, Quinn didn't feel like it was enough. If she really did love Quinn, she wouldn't need other people. Or so Quinn thought. "You know, I'm not doing anything absurd. I'm just trying to make friends..."

"Yeah, it's easy to make friends when everyone is happy and laughing." Quinn said, sarcastically. "But when you have your meltdowns, _I'm_ the one who's there for you. None of your new friends will. They won't help you like I do." Quinn's voice was getting louder, although she tried to stop herself. She hated people yelling. It reminded her too much of her father, and she really didn't want to become him. She was about to apologize, when Rachel cut her.

"You don't have to. If it's so hard for you." Rachel deadpanned with a serious nod, and Quinn felt her heart shattering. She had pushed Rachel too far. Even Rachel, the most patient human being Quinn had ever known, wasn't able to stand her. She knew this day would come sooner or later.

"You just- You don't understand..." Quinn sighed when her voice faltered. "It's not that I don't try, Rachel. I try, and I try so fucking hard, because I want to be worth of your love and your time. I wanna be funny and I wanna be smart and I wanna be pretty because I want you- I need you to love me. I need to _deserve_ your love. But I do my best and still, I'm not enough. You feel like you need to get away, and you need friends. _I_ wanted to be your friend." Quinn said, fluttering her eyes to avoid the tears from escaping. "I wanted to be everything for you." She whispered, almost apologetically.

"Quinn, this is not what this is about!" Rachel whined, shaking her head. "Come on, we've talked about this already! You are more than enough! I don't need anyone else to love! I _couldn't_ love anyone as much as I love you. But I need to make friends as a part of my treatment! You can't be jealous-" But Quinn didn't let her continue, interrupting once more.

"I'm not jealous!" Quinn argued, chewing her inner cheek nervously.

"Quinn, you're _crazy_ jealous!" Rachel laughed nervously.

"I'm not crazy!" Quinn yelled, and Rachel took a step back and swallowed dry in startle. And right there, Quinn saw it again. Her image in Rachel's eyes. The fear in Rachel's eyes. And she couldn't stand knowing she was the monster that was scaring Rachel this time. Quinn fell on her knees and buried her head within her arms. "I'm not crazy..." She whispered between sobs.

Rachel watched as Quinn broke down in front of her once more. Quinn hated herself. She hated that although this was the last thing she wanted to happen in front of Rachel, she wasn't strong enough to hold herself up. She hated she couldn't be as supportive as Rachel needed. And Quinn hated how Rachel could still kneel on the floor by her side, wrap her arms around her and look at her as if she was the best thing to ever happen in her life.

"You're not. You're not crazy." Rachel whispered, placing a kiss on the top of Quinn's head and running her fingers gently along Quinn's back. Quinn wanted to get herself up. She wanted to stand up by herself. But the moment Rachel's arms wrapped her, she melted completely into them. "I'm sorry, baby." Rachel whispered, and Quinn could do nothing but nod.

"I need help." Quinn stated, licking the tears off of her lips. "Those meds- I- I'm not okay." She cried, shaking her head. She was completely out of control of herself, and she absolutely hated it.

"You'll be okay. I know you will." Rachel whispered.

But this time, Quinn didn't know if she believed it.

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A/N: Wow, this was a hard chapter to write and edit. My poor babies!

I just want to let you guys know that this will be the last chapter I'll be posting this year! I'll try to get off the computer and actually enjoy my Winter Break with people I love and haven't seen in a long time, so I won't be updating until next year. I hope you will all be waiting for me when I come back!

I plan on posting a Christmas ficlet on Monday though, and I would really appreciate it if you guys read it! I promise it will be sweet!

But most of all, I wanted to wish you all Happy Holidays! I know this time of the year can be hard on a lot of us, but just know that it will be over in a blink and we will all be back together next year :)

And as usual, don't forget to review!

xx


	37. Save me from myself: Chapter 36

**A/N: Hey everyone!** I hope you all had a good break, and I'm sorry it took me so long to come back. I missed you guys and missed writing, so I promise updates will be more frequently from now on. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

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Chapter 36 - Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Quinn woke up, and wished she hadn't.

It had been a long time since she last had this feeling, but that morning not even Rachel's gleaming smile was enough to convince her the day was going to be worth waking up to. She heard as Rachel excitedly told her about what she had dreamed last night, but although she was hearing it, she didn't really listen to it. Rachel's voice came inside her head by one ear and escaped by the other, and Quinn wasn't able to process them at all.

"Quinn?" Rachel waved her hand in front of Quinn's face. "Did you listen what I just say?"

"Mhm?" Quinn asked, shaking her head to clean her mind before answering. "Sorry. I think I'm still too sleepy. What did you say?" She asked gently, forcing a smile. She knew Rachel had nothing to do with what was inside her mind, and she didn't want to take it down on her. She already did it way more than she would like. She was lucky Rachel was so patient.

Rachel repeated herself, but again, Quinn didn't listen. It concerned her, but she didn't want to upset Rachel by making her repeat once more, so she just nodded with a smile and it seemed to be enough for Rachel. She looked up to Quinn, and stroke her cheek lovingly.

"I'm glad to see you smiling. Did you know you have the most beautiful smile?" Rachel asked in a grin, leaning forward and dropping a kiss right on the corner of Quinn's mouth. Quinn shrugged timidly, but kept the smile on her face for Rachel. "I'm happy to see you happy," said Rachel.

But Quinn wasn't happy. In fact, she felt the dull sadness taking over more and more each day. She could just wish the new medicines would kick in soon, because she didn't feel like she could handle living like that again. But smiling was just much easier than explaining it all to Rachel. Rachel was already being so understanding with how suddenly Quinn's moods would swing. Quinn didn't want to worry her any further.

Quinn hid most of her feelings from Rachel. It was something she had never done before, but felt necessary. She felt exhausted after spending the whole day with Rachel, because faking happiness while she just wanted to lay down and die is the most stressful thing she could go through. She usually didn't wake up so grumpy, but as the day went on she found herself getting annoyed with herself, even.

Still, she wanted to Rachel to remember her good days. She didn't want Rachel to see how awful she felt inside. So she kept her smile, and tried to act like everything was fine.

While that worked for most of the time, it ended up making Quinn slightly disappointed. Rachel wasn't helping her. Quinn wanted to get better, and to start feeling happy again. She knew there Rachel wouldn't be able to help her if she didn't tell her how she felt. But Quinn also knew that could be their breaking point. She had always been Rachel's rock. If Rachel realized she was not steady at all, Rachel could give up on her. Quinn would understand. She knew it was hard to love someone you didn't admire. She could never love people when they showed themselves too weak.

Rachel was different. Although Quinn had seen her at her weakest points, she didn't diminished her because of it. In fact, they just made her love Rachel more, because she saw how Rachel rose back every time she fell. Rachel was strong in a way Quinn knew she could never be.

However, Quinn couldn't ignore the fact that Rachel was spending more and more of her time outside. She knew she wasn't being easy to deal with. She knew she shouldn't ask so much of Rachel. Rachel was sensitive and always read her well, but she couldn't read Quinn's mind. Quinn knew how to fake her feelings maybe too well – a gift she molded during a childhood at Fabray's household.

Quinn realized she was getting too bad when she started feeling relieved as Rachel left the room throughout the days. She couldn't blame her, she knew she was being difficult to handle. She was having difficult handling herself too.

The monsters inside her head were back and, in all truth, she had missed them.

The doctor had told her, even though it wasn't her first time. The first weeks after changing a medication were usually the worst. The medication wasn't exactly helping yet, but was already showing it's bad side effects. The worst of both worlds, if Quinn could say. But deep down, the empty feeling inside of her was comforting. She had lived for a long time carrying nothing inside. It was reassuring. Being happy is amazing, but she had been constantly worried about how the happiness could end. With sadness and emptiness, she had nothing to worry. It was there, and it would probably remain forever. It was what she was made of. It's how it had always been.

Every step Rachel took towards her recovery, was a step back Quinn took on hers. Rachel was getting better in a pace that Quinn could never keep up with. Specially not feeling like she did. Rachel made a couple more acquaintances – she still wasn't comfortable calling them friends – and every time Rachel would talk to Quinn about them, Quinn wished she could die. She examined the personality of each one of them, through Rachel's eyes, and tried to find what was it that they had and she hadn't. What was it that made Rachel seek them instead of her.

But it was obvious. It was right in her face. They were trying. And Quinn couldn't say the same. All she did was lay down and silently pray that the medicine would kick in before it was too late. Sleeping had always been a pleasure of hers, but it had increased in an indescribable way. She slept almost all day. Sleeping gave her the break her mind needed so much. Sleeping made her consciousness fade away, and she didn't have to think about how awful she felt.

And soon enough, the monsters inside her head started controlling her mind once more. The urge to cut came back with full force.

Quinn thought she would be able to refrain from cutting after receiving the affection she needed, but it was the opposite. It was exactly after Rachel was the most lovely that she wanted to cut deeper. It didn't make sense. She had been nothing but horrible to Rachel on the last days, and Rachel still showed herself gentler and kinder than anyone Quinn knew. Rachel didn't deserve to be treated like that. She didn't deserve to get to their bedroom after an exhausting day and have Quinn snap at her for not hanging her towel exactly like Quinn liked.

But Quinn couldn't stop. She didn't know how to express her frustration. She missed Rachel throughout the day, but instead of simply admitting it once they saw each other, she snapped at her instead. Anything to get her attention. Negative attention is better than no attention at all. It was childish. She hated herself for acting like that. She knew it was unfair to Rachel. She just wanted to slit her wrists open, in hope that the monsters would drip away with the blood and she would be herself again. She would be able to give Rachel everything she deserved.

Her scars screamed at her. They tingled and they itched. They begged to be opened again. With every shower, she was reminded of the stinging sensation of water washing new cuts. She bit her lip so hard that it bleeded, but it wasn't enough. She took pleasure on seeing blood slipping all the way through her arm, and it had been too long since the last time she did it. But every time she started looking for anything sharp, she was reminded of Rachel.

She remembered of the Rachel she didn't knew, on the very first week, helping her. She remembered how upset Rachel got when she cut. And she didn't want to disappoint Rachel more than she already had. She didn't want to break the promise. She had come too far to give up now. Or at least she tried to convince herself.

But the worst part was the inconsistency. It was having nice moments, where she could just relax and enjoy the day by the side of the person she loved the most. And then having them taken away with a simple blink gone wrong. She tried to enjoy those fine moments the best she could, but it still didn't feel enough.

Quinn was decided to make things differently that particular day.

The moment Rachel walked back in the room, Quinn closed the door, pressing Rachel against it and dropping a wet kiss on her neck. She wouldn't lose Rachel. She would make sure Rachel would stay in love with her. Even if for that to happen she had to slay a demon a day inside her head.

"Welcome back" Quinn whispered on Rachel's ear, flicking her earlobe with her tongue. "I missed you."

She felt Rachel shivering and sighing in what sounded much more like relieve than pleasure. It broke her heart to realize how apprehensive Rachel was to come back to their room, and it was almost enough to kill her mood. But she couldn't. She had to keep her monsters quiet at least until Rachel fell asleep. She had to be able to give at least one nice evening for the most important person in her life.

"I missed you too..." Rachel whispered, smiling sincerely. But Quinn wasn't sure if Rachel meant it. She could mean she had missed Quinn because they spent their day apart. Or she could mean she had missed this Quinn – the Quinn that wasn't afraid to show her love, the Quinn that was able to make Rachel happy. Maybe she couldn't keep the monsters quiet after all. Maybe they were getting the best of her. Maybe they had already won.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel." Quinn said, looking down. She couldn't bear to see what was hidden behind Rachel's eyes.

"For what, baby?" Rachel asked gently, and Quinn swallowed hard. She walked back to bed before giving Rachel a glance, and Rachel understood immediately she needed to be cuddled. Without saying anything, Rachel slipped behind Quinn and wrapped her arms tightly around her waist.

"For everything." Quinn said. She was glad Rachel was spooning her – in that way, she wouldn't see how Quinn's eyes got teared up so quickly. "For treating you so badly for the last days. For snapping at you. For not giving you what you deserve..." She could go on forever. But she knew what was bothering her the most. "For feeling like I need to cut again." Quinn knew this wasn't the kind of thing people apologized to. But she needed to. She felt like she owned it for Rachel. "I know you didn't sign up for this mess..." Quinn sighed deeply, closing her eyes and feeling Rachel's fingers through her hair. "This new medicine is really making me drown."

"Quinn, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I fell in love with you." Rachel said with a small huff, dropping a kiss on the verge of Quinn's neck. "Falling in love with you wasn't a choice, but I don't regret it. Even if I could, I would never choose to not be in love with you. I mean, yeah, sometimes I get nervous or upset when you're..." Rachel took a deep breath, trying to find the words to say it without hurting Quinn. "When you're not being nice. But you know, even when your eyes are the darkest I can always see a glimpse light of the Quinn I love so much hiding behind them. And I know she will be back soon. She's a fighter, and she'll crawl her way back to the surface." Rachel whispered, and Quinn didn't know what felt better: Rachel's soft kisses all over her neck and shoulders, or Rachel's lulling voice being whispered in her ear. "I know this is all temporary. And I would wait forever for you, baby. I just want you to feel good again."

"Thank you." It was all Quinn managed to whisper back, and still, it was enough to make her voice crack. She couldn't believe how vulnerable she had let herself get, and she was even more concerned about the fact that Rachel couldn't seem to realize how deeply in trouble Quinn was. How blind Rachel could be? Quinn wasn't a fighter at all. If anything, she had definitely surrendered to her illness. She wasn't doing anything that could improve her condition, and she didn't have any will to. And her desire to just ruin her wrists again increased with each passing second.

"How long has it been back?" Rachel asked, once again making Quinn wonder if she was able to read her mind. "I mean, you wanting to… cut."

"I don't know… For a while. But it wasn't as strong as it is right now." Quinn swallowed hard. She wasn't used to talking so sincerely about this. She wasn't used to being so bluntly honest about something so wrong. "I guess it's passed being a want. I feel like it's more of a _need_ , right now." Quinn whimpered. She would give anything for one of the sharp blades the hospital had.

Rachel got up, and Quinn panicked. She questioned if she had done something wrong, or finally had said something that made Rachel give up on her. Her heart raced. Rachel walked in the direction of the door, and Quinn shivered. She imagined Rachel getting out of the room and telling a nurse what she had just heard from Quinn's mouth. But before Quinn's imagination could go any deeper, Rachel was back with something inside her hand. A half-broken ruler.

Quinn recognized it immediately. It was the ruler of Rachel's very first day there. The one Quinn had stolen from her drawing kit, and used to cut herself. The ruler that made the cut that got to Rachel help her in the first place. Quinn fluttered her eyes as Rachel gave her the ruler, and licked her lips before getting it.

"Why did you keep this?" Quinn asked with a small, sad smile.

"Well, it's what brought us together, isn't it? If you think way back then." Rachel shrugged, sitting back on the bed right by Quinn's side. Rachel pulled her sleeve up, and stand out her wrist to Quinn. Quinn frowned deeply in confusion, and held the ruler tight between her fingers.

"What are you doing?" Quinn asked in a whisper. She could feel her fingers hurting from holding the piece of plastic so tightly, and she knew they would be marked once she released the ruler. But it felt too good.

"Cut me." Rachel demanded, and Quinn's eyes went wide. She shook her head violently, and brought her closed fist closer to her chest.

"What are you talking about?" Quinn asked in startle, pushing Rachel's wrist away. "Rachel, stop this!" She whined in fear.

"No, Quinn." Rachel said calmly, standing her wrist again. "I'm not letting you hurt yourself. I can't see you hurting anymore. If you need to cut, just do it on my wrist. I know the blood is what calms you down, so it will help even if it's not your arm." Rachel explained, and Quinn's eyes just went even wider. She couldn't stop shaking her head. She had never heard more absurd ideas. "Quinn, it's fine. I promise you. You can do it."

"Rachel, I could never hurt you like that!" Quinn mumbled, placing her bare hand on top of Rachel's wrist. "Please, stop." Quinn pleaded. "Seeing you do this- Just knowing that you would subject yourself to this already hurts me more than what an actual cut on my _throat_ would hurt."

"Quinn, I don't wanna see you hurting anymore. I don't know what else to do. I need to help you but I don't know how and I can't stand to be still and do nothing." Rachel said, trying one last time. But Quinn would never do it. She wouldn't ruin perfectly clear wrists like Rachel's and make them look like the mess hers were.

"Rach..." Quinn whispered, dropping the ruler on her nightstand. Her whole fist went numb after the release, and she bit down her lip before looking down to make sure Rachel's eyes wouldn't cross hers as she whispered. "If you had an idea of what's happening inside of my head right now you would know that the cuts wouldn't be anything. The cuts don't hurt me. My brain does. Constantly." She knew this wouldn't be comforting for Rachel. But she didn't know what Rachel could do to help, either.

"God, Quinn. I hate seeing you like this. You don't deserve this! It is so unfair that all of this happens to you..." Rachel murmured. Her eyes were tearing up, and she laid on Quinn's chest. It made hard for Quinn to breath, but she couldn't push Rachel any further away. She didn't know how many moments like those she would get.

"You can't hate it more than I hate myself." Quinn said with a hurt chuckle. She didn't know if Rachel was ready to know all of it, but she realized she couldn't hide it any longer. If Rachel chose to leave her, she would understand. But if Rachel was staying she had to know exactly how bad it was. "I think about slitting my wrists everyday. And I still think about dying some days. But I swear I'm trying Rach… I can't get out of bed most days, but I'm trying as hard as I can to stop hating myself and to be a better person for you. I just need you to give me time."

"Of course, baby." Rachel nodded understandingly, grabbing Quinn's knuckles and dropping a kiss there. "I know you are, and I know everything will be okay. I'm not going anywhere, Quinn. There's nothing you can ever do that will make me go. I'm just.. sad. To see you broken like this." Rachel whimpered, and Quinn hugged her tighter. She didn't tell Rachel about how she was fairly sure she wouldn't ever be fixed.

Rachel soon fell asleep, but Quinn couldn't sleep. She had spent most part of the day sleeping. She spent most of the night awake, watching Rachel's chest rising and lowering with her breath. It was the most soothing image for Quinn. But when Rachel winced in her sleep and murmured Quinn's name in fear, Quinn wondered when she had become a part of Rachel's nightmares instead of being her fairytale.

"I love you too much. Things would be so much easier if I didn't." Quinn whispered.


	38. All the drugs in this world: Chapter 37

Chapter 37 - All the drugs in this world won't save her from herself

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"I want my meds to be changed." Quinn said, wistfully. "They're not working. I'm feeling worse than have in a really really long time and it's gotten to point that it's scaring me. I'm done waiting for it to start working. I want new meds."

"Ms. Fabray while I'm glad to see you're willingly asking this because you want to get better, I'm afraid we can not change it yet. You're taking longer to get used to it because while you were under chemical restrains you weren't given this kind of medication. It was dangerous to mix it with the sedatives. So it's natural that your body bounced back to your illness in full-force. But we can not change your medications again in such short period of time. That would be prejudicial to your health." The doctor explained, but never looked at her. She could see him scrolling on his laptop, and she was almost certain she could see the reflection of a Facebook feed in his eyes.

"You don't understand." Quinn stated, closing the laptop on top of the doctor's hand to make sure he would look at her. "I'm not taking those anymore. They're making me feel awful. So you either change it, or conform with the fact that I won't be taking any medicines at all. Simple as that."

"No, Ms. Fabray. _You_ don't understand." The doctor said, ironically laughing. "You don't boss anyone around in here. You don't get all your wishes granted. We take what you ask in consideration, but this is a hospital and here what matters to us is your health, and not your wishes. You either take your medications like you're supposed to, or you will be back under chemical restrains. Simple as that." He finished, pausedly.

Quinn felt the rage boiling up inside of her. Her only wish at that moment was to be allowed to crawl over that table and jump on to the doctor's face. Suffocation sounds like a horrible way of dying. She didn't have such strong hands, but she was sure that under such adrenaline they would be strong enough to block his airways.

But then, she thought of Rachel. Rachel didn't deserve to have to go visit her in jail. And again, she stated how easier things would be if she just didn't love Rachel that much. For her, jail or a hospital wouldn't be that much different.

Quinn walked back to their room taking deep breaths. She knew she had to calm down before getting in, or else she would be too likely to take her all rage out on Rachel, even though Rachel had nothing to do with it. All she needed was to lay down and have Rachel cuddle her and tell her everything would be okay. Like she had done essentially every night for the last days. Rachel would never say so, but Quinn knew she was getting tired of it.

Once Quinn felt calm enough to get inside the room, she was surprised to find out Rachel wasn't there. She looked over at the desk, where Rachel usually left little notes to let Quinn know where she was, but this time there were none. Quinn freaked out inside. Her mind went straight into the worst case scenario, and she had the feeling that this time it was it. Rachel had gotten tired of it and left her.

Quinn knew she could go outside and ask a nurse if anything had happened. She also knew she could go out looking for Rachel to see where she was. But suddenly, her body weighted too much. Leaning against the wall, she let herself slide all the way to the ground and sat there. She was numb and oh, so empty. She didn't know for sure how long she was there for, because she couldn't feel time passing. All she felt was her tears washing over her face and wetting the spots where it fell.

It was a weird feeling, frankly. It had not been her first time, but it was weird nonetheless. She knew the world kept going around her, but she couldn't see it. It felt like everything had frozen, and her mind evaporated. It was relieving to not keep going back and forth on scenarios of what could have happened, but it was terrifying to not feel as if your brain had stopped working completely. To not hear your own voice inside your head.

Like magic, she was taken back from her trance the second Rachel opened the door. Her silently cry became a loud wailing between sobs, and she saw Rachel rushing to her side and kneeling on the floor next to her. Rachel was talking, but again, she couldn't listen. It took a good time until she was able to read Rachel's lips and realize she was asking what happened. How she dared to ask such thing baffled Quinn. It was quite obvious for her, and she didn't believe Rachel couldn't see it.

"Where the fuck were you?" Quinn yelled between weeps. Rachel was taken back by the cursing and frowned lightly before deciding to drop it given the condition Quinn was found in.

"Please, don't yell." Rachel said calmly, sitting on her knees and placing her hands carefully on top of them. "I went to the music room with Joel. He had never been there and asked me to walk him."

"Oh!" Quinn gasped ironically, but respected Rachel's request and kept her voice lower. "Just that, huh? And you couldn't tell me? You had to leave me here thinking you had fucking run away." Said Quinn, making Rachel's frown grow deeper.

"I'm sorry. It wasn't anything planned, he just showed up and asked if I could take him there. I didn't mean to take so long. I'm sorry you came back right in that interval of time and was scared. I didn't mean to set you off." Rachel asked carefully, keeping her hands on her knees. Quinn had been realizing that whenever she was acting nervously, Rachel would avoid touching her. She noticed Rachel was scared of what she could do once she was touched, and it broke her heart to see Rachel afraid of her.

"You could have just left a note, Rachel! I know you don't wanna be around because I'm being difficult and a pain in the ass and it's okay. Really. I don't mind you being away all day. I understand you. All I'm asking is that you let me know!" Quinn pleaded hurtfully, and Rachel shook her head with a deep sigh.

"Quinn, you know that's not true. Don't you realize what I just told you that happened today? I was able to leave the room without having to plan it beforehand. I didn't have to worry about it three days before actually doing it. I just left. And this, is me getting better. You should be happy for me! I'm not leaving the room because I'm running away from you, baby! I'm leaving because I am able to, and it's enthralling! I haven't been able to do that for almost two years! Why can't you acknowledge that and be happy for me?" Rachel asked in a whisper, hiding her face in her hands. Quinn could see exhaustion in her eyes.

"God, I feel like we keep getting in the same argument over and over. It's always the same damn thing." Quinn cried out. Crying in front of Rachel had stopped being a problem a long time ago by now, and had in fact become a habit. Honestly, she could count on one hand how many times they had talked to more than five minutes without one of them ending up on the verge of tears on the last days.

"That's because that's exactly what's happening, Quinn. What you don't understand is that I'm trying to get better _for_ you. I want to be a better person so that I can be better to you and so that we can live the life we've always wanted. You know, the beach house and watching sunsets. But I can't do that if I'm too scared to leave the house. I wanna be perfect for you! And you keep guilt-tripping me for that!" Rachel said, and Quinn was surprised to see her voice raising just slightly by the end of the sentence. Clearly, she had been holding her own feelings for too long for Quinn's sake.

"Rachel, I don't expect you to be perfect! Perfection is not something I'm looking for! I know you will have your problems from your past, and I'll have mine too. And we will live with them and we will be okay! You are not perfect, but you're all I want..." Quinn sighed, wiping her tear away and taking a deep breath. It was overwhelming to think that Rachel was pushing herself just to make Quinn happy, and even still, she couldn't be. "You don't have to be perfect. All you have to do is be here."

"Quinn, you don't have to be scared. God, you're terrified of this. And there's no reason for it! Did I ever imply I could leave you? I have said repeatedly that I am here forever, and you keep thinking I'm leaving. The fact that I'm getting better doesn't mean I'm leaving you. You need to believe me in this!" Rachel said, looking deep in her eyes. Their eyes had always had a connection and said much more than the words could say. So when Quinn found them unreadable, she sinked.

"Yeah. I'm scared." Quinn admitted, with a small nod. "I'm panicking, actually. Because I used to look in your eyes and be sure everything would be okay. You gave me hope because you were just so sure we would make it out of here. But I feel like you've given up on me. Now I look into your eyes and I feel like you only pity me because I can't keep myself together. You're not helping me anymore, and it's all because you chose to follow the doctors advice and get better on your own instead of trying to get better together."

"I can't save you, Quinn. I'm not that strong. I won't be your cure. I'm sorry if I ever let you think that." Rachel apologized, wiping the tears from her own cheeks with her sleeve. "I don't think you're done, Quinn. I think you still have a long way to go, but no one is damaged beyond repair. I can't help you but I'm here. And I'll be here loving you and supporting you while you save yourself. And I hope that's enough for you." Rachel said so softly that Quinn felt tingles in her stomach. It infuriated her that even during moments like those, Rachel still had such effect on her.

"Do you even love me, though? Do you still love me?" Quinn asked hopelessly. She looked up to Rachel shyly, and she never felt so small and vulnerable. She was handing her heart out to Rachel and giving her the knife. All she had to do was stab it. And still, somehow, she knew Rachel wouldn't. She couldn't figure out what hurt more.

"Who did this to you? Who changed what you believed in, Quinn?" Rachel asked perplexed. "I always loved you. And I always will! You can doubt anything in this world. You can question my every action. But you can't ever think I don't love you."

"Then why are you scared of touching me?" Quinn asked, and her voice faltered. Rachel frowned and shook her head lightly, as if she had no idea what Quinn was talking about. Quinn jerked her head towards Rachel's immovable hands resting on her own knees, and Rachel's mouth fell opened for a second. She didn't have an answer, and in that very moment, Quinn felt her slipping away.

"I didn't think you wanted to be touched. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." Rachel answered with a small shrug, and Quinn knew it was the most generic excuse Rachel could come up for. But she was tired. She was tired of fighting, and she couldn't take it anymore.

"I need you to remind me." Quinn pleaded, licking her lips. "Remind me what it feels like to love and be loved. Because _this_ – any of this - doesn't feel right anymore."

She had to speak no more. Rachel tackled her in a deep, passionate kiss. A kiss different than the soft pecks they were exchanging on the last days. It was the kind of kiss that a couple weeks ago would have make her legs turn to jelly and her heart to race. But today, nothing happened. She couldn't deny how soft Rachel's lips were, and how nice it was of her for trying so hard. But it lacked the magic that was once there.

Rachel's hand roamed aimlessly all over her body, and she didn't even realized she was shirtless until a cold breeze made her shiver. Rachel smiled into the kiss, and Quinn would never have the guts to tell her she wasn't the reason for said shiver. Quinn took a deep, shaky breath and released the weight of her body until she found herself laying on the floor. Rachel's fingertips running through her body felt like small needles pinching her - but this time she didn't enjoy the pain.

When Rachel's lips found a nipple, Quinn cried out. Although she couldn't feel anything inside, her body would still react. Her nipples became painfully hard, and she hoped Rachel wouldn't realize the tear that slipped from the corner of her eye when Rachel flickered a nipple with her tongue. She could have stopped Rachel right there. She knew Rachel wouldn't blame her. But she needed to feel _something_ , and she hoped that if she pushed her body enough, it would get to the tipping point and she would break letting all the feelings come up again.

Quinn felt like time passed differently for her. She couldn't tell if it had been one minute or one hour when Rachel finally let go of her nipple and started to trail wet kisses down her stomach. Rachel dropped a longer kiss right on the scar in Quinn's ribs, and Quinn felt it sting. She dug her nails strongly against her leg, trying to take the pain somewhere else, but it didn't work. She knew nothing would hurt more than her insides.

Rachel took Quinn's shorts off, and Quinn was relieved to notice she managed to be wet even though she didn't feel in the mood for it. She didn't want Rachel to see how she was struggling with herself, so she left a shy moan once Rachel's finger dipped inside of her. She rocked her hips and with every thrust she hoped the pressure would start building up inside of her. But it didn't. And Rachel tried harder. She thrusted her fingers deeper, and kissed her even more softer.

Wanting to die didn't cover how Quinn felt. She couldn't let Rachel down when all Rachel was trying to do was to proof she loved her. So she forced her breath to become heavier. She panted and moaned higher. And when Rachel thrusted once more, she growled and released her body weight with a deep sigh. If anyone had ever told her she would fake it with Rachel Berry, she would have called them crazy. Rachel once had been able to get her climbing through the walls with just a look.

Her mind flashed her with memories of one of her last days outside, when it was 2am and she couldn't stop the blood that ran out of her wrists. And she realized that how she felt there, wasn't even a shred of how absurdly bad she was feeling at the moment.


	39. This is what I have to do: Chapter 38

Chapter 38 - This is what I have to do

* * *

Rachel looked up at her with a proud smirk, as if she had completed her mission and everything would be fine now. Quinn couldn't help a sigh of relief when she knew for sure that Rachel hadn't realized how she had just faked it. She pulled Rachel to lay in her chest and hugged her tightly to keep her in place, in a way that Rachel wouldn't be able to notice how she was silently crying. She held her breath to avoid sobs, and waited for a while until she was able to collect herself and suggest they went to sleep. She knew it was early, but there was just no way she could face Rachel. Ever again.

It wasn't the first time Quinn had faked it. To be honest, after she first had sex with Rachel, she realized she had never come with a boy before. But faking it had never made her so disappointed in herself. The fact that she _couldn't_ come wasn't what bothered her the most, but the fact that she had lied to Rachel. If Rachel couldn't trust her, there was nothing more she could do. And she risked it all by simply faking it.

Quinn knew _that_ was it. She had come to a point where she couldn't see any other solution. She felt raw all over. As if her skin had been teared off her body, and everything hurt her right in the flesh. She closed her eyes, and wished they would remain shut forever. The pain would have an end and there wouldn't be any more hopelessness over the intolerability of living.

Rachel looked up and smiled at her, and it damaged her more than a knife in her heart ever could. She had thought, from the very beginning, that Rachel was the solution. Rachel was the missing piece of her puzzled heart. The piece which lack caused her so much pain. But Rachel had come back for her, and she didn't feel any happier. Rachel got happier and better everyday, and she was being left behind. She really was holding Rachel back, like their therapist said multiple times before. Maybe she had just been too blindly in love to realize what was right in front of her.

Since the night they had exchange wishes while releasing a balloon outside, Quinn knew her purpose in life was to be sure Rachel would be happy. And this was the day she found out leaving was the way to do it. If anything, Rachel taught her to trust herself. To know that what was in her heart was always right. She knew what she had to do, and there wasn't any reasons for her to waste any more time. The whispering inside her head had become an incessantly shout, and she knew she had to listen to it. She should go. This had to end.

There was no way she could ever be fixed again. She was too tired to try and put everything back together on her own. She knew she didn't have the strength. Rachel, who had being her only hope, had now become her main reason to go. Quinn couldn't make her happy. In fact, she couldn't make anyone happy – not even herself.

"What's on your mind?" Rachel whispered, cupping her cheeks to make Quinn face her. Quinn's heart shattered. She would, once again, have to lie to Rachel. However, deep down, she suspected Rachel knew. Rachel was always too perceptive. It couldn't be a coincidence that she asked such thing right when Quinn was thinking of going away.

"Of how much I love you..." Quinn murmured, with the saddest smile that had ever hung on her face. "I really hope you won't ever forget that. I could do _anything_ for you, baby. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." Quinn felt her eyes getting teary again. She was almost sure that she had cried more on the last couple days than the rest of her life altogether. She wished there was any way she could make Rachel realize how much meaning those words had on that particular day.

"Aw… I love you too, Quinn." Rachel answered with a grin, wiping a tear from Quinn's cheek with her thumb. "Who would think you would become such a mushy?" She said playfully, and Quinn tried to giggle but it just came out wrong. It wasn't the time for that.

"Can we sleep? I'm really tired…" Quinn forced a yawn. She was tired indeed, but she knew sleep wouldn't help at all. It wasn't the kind of exhaustion that would ever be solved.

"Of course, baby." Rachel nodded, leaning in for a soft peck on her lips. "Goodnight, Quinn." She said, snuggling against Quinn's body. Quinn tried not to think too much about how this would be the last time she would hear those so comforting words.

"Goodnight, Rach." Quinn blurted out before she would start weeping. She felt lucky that Rachel's sleeping pill knocked her down quickly, because she didn't know if she could hold down her sobs much longer. But once Rachel was actually asleep, Quinn found herself feeling a peace she hadn't in a long time. Watching Rachel sleep had always been soothing for her, but that night it just felt even more powerful. Or maybe it was just the quiet before the storm. _It was time._

Quinn got up quietly, to make sure she wouldn't disturb Rachel. She decided to shower. Preparing herself for death sounded like the most bizarre thought that could cross her mind, and yet, it didn't even made her flinch. She was ready, from her bones to her soul.

Getting inside the bathroom, she stopped in front of the mirror she so casually avoided everyday. It startled her to see what she had become. Quinn had already left. She was already long gone. There was no way what she saw in the mirror was really her. This was just a carcass of what she once were. There was no life behind her darkened eyes. She wondered how Rachel could ever fall in love with the broken girl that stared back at her. It wasn't possible that Rachel was ever truthful when she told Quinn she was pretty.

She turned on the water, and stepped inside the shower. Every droplet of water hit her like a bullet. She brushed the soap roughly against her skin in hope that it would wash away the dirtiness she felt all over. But as the water soaked her body, she felt her limbs getting heavier. She knew her time was coming. There was no way back now. _It was time._

Picking the last piece of clothing she was going to wear to die was by far a much harder choice than choosing to kill herself. Quinn considered wearing the clothes she used in her wedding. They looked angelical. Peaceful. They reminded her of an amazing moment. But she thought of how this would ruin Rachel's images of her in their wedding day, and quickly dismissed the idea. She settled in a simple pajama. She knew they would rip her clothes off when attempting to bring her back, and she didn't want any of her good clothes to be ruined. She knew it was ridiculous, since she would never wear anything again, but she decided to allow her mind to run free. It was its last thoughts after all – they shouldn't be constrained.

Yet, this was what scared her the most. People trying to bring her back. Trying to save her. The thought of dying had long stopped being something she was afraid of. But thinking that she could fail again and be brought back to her suffering, terrified her. That's why she chose the night. It would be too long before someone would check on her. It would be too late. Quinn parted her hair on the side, and hang it in a loose pony tail. _It was time._

Quinn took a deep breath, and walked to her nightstand. Hidden in the back of the first drawer, she picked up the box with all the small sleeping pills she hadn't taken in months. Quinn had no idea how many she had to take to be sure she fell asleep and never woke up anymore. But they would _have_ to be enough. She walked back to the bathroom, and every step felt like one step closer to heaven.

The image of her mother telling her to never drink tap water came to her mind in a flash. Her mother had always being a little bit neurotic. She figured it wouldn't matter now. Anything the water could bring to her body would be killed by the same medicine that would kill her. Quinn opened her fist and stared at the tiny blue pills. She felt like Alice in the Wonderland. She could almost swear the pills had _eat me_ written on them.

One by one. She swallowed them slowly. She even chewed a couple of them. Something inside of her told her that the chewed ones would act faster. The bitter taste reminded her that she was still alive. _Not for too long_ , she reminded herself. One more, and one more chug of water. Her stomach growled back at her, but it would never be louder than the screaming voices in her head. Overall, it was easier than she thought it would be. She was fast enough to not feel sleepy before finishing them all.

The lack of blood unsettled her. She had always envisioned her death being drenched in blood all over. But she knew Rachel would be the one to find her dead, and she didn't want to scare her girl any further. She wanted Rachel to see her the way she was going to be: peaceful, like a sleeping baby. Quinn laid back down on Rachel's side. Rachel's body immediately adjusted against hers, and she wrapped her arm around Rachel's waist. _It was time._

It didn't take too long before her body started to feel limp. The throbbing of her pulse was softer. She felt the dead weight of her legs. She wondered if her cells would die one by one, or be affected all at the same time. Her mind became dizzy, and the voices started to fade away. She couldn't help a small smile. Her monsters were dying. She had waited for the quiet comfort for far too long.

Quinn looked at Rachel for one last time before closing her eyes, and leaned in for the last peck on her lips.

"I love you the mostest." She whispered.

And it was time.

And she was finally in peace.

* * *

 _"That my will of going away_

 _Be transformed in the calmness and peace that I deserve_

 _That this tension that rots me inside_

 _Be rewarded one day_

 _Because half of me is what I think_

 _But the other half is a volcano"_

\- Oswaldo Montenegro


	40. But I'm coming clean now: Chapter 39

Chapter 39 - But I'm coming clean now

* * *

 _Dear Rachel,_

I have written way too many suicide notes, even though I knew most of the times I wouldn't go through with it. But this isn't it. It isn't one of those. I don't want you to think of this as a suicide note, I want you to think of this as a love letter. As me, showing how much I love you. Love, not loved, baby. Because my love doesn't know any barriers, and I'm sure it won't be gone even though I will.

If you want, you can count how many times I'll say the word "love" during this. I bet it will be too many. Maybe that could make reading this more fun. Because it should be. I don't want you to be sad. I don't you to cry for me. No, you didn't do anything wrong. You were perfect, love. _I_ have always been the problem – but I'm good now. I'm fine. I know I am. And I hope you are too, my love. I love you too much to watch you suffer, even if from afar.

It may not seem like it, but you saved me, Rach. I never believed in love before I found you. I thought it was just an overrated concept, and I couldn't believe people actually felt it so deeply like they said so on movies and books. But I didn't even had known you, and you already me fall for you. I have always loved you, I just didn't know until I saw you. I love you. You will never know how deeply, really. I never let myself love you the fullest, you ever only got to see a shred of it. I always held back. It was too powerful. It frightened me. You have no idea of how much love I had for you. Yet, even if I didn't get to enjoy the feeling fully, you're the best thing I ever allowed myself.

You have made me a better person, love. I always thought that opening myself to love would make me vulnerable. Weak. Worthless, even. But I learned from you, that vulnerability isn't linked to weakness. I was completely at your mercy and yet, I knew you would never take advantage of it. Instead of making me weak, your love made me stronger than ever. I was braver, and I was able to ignore my monsters completely for a while because my priorities had simply changed. I focused on you. On what was inside your head. I wanted so bad to slay all your demons for you, that I even forgot I got some of my own. But still, in the middle of this whole slaughter, I have never been so kind and merciful. I wanted to be someone you would be proud of, and tried everyday to become the best version of myself. And it was all because of you, love. To you, Rach.

I found in you a softness I had never seen in this world. Your words were as gentle as the sea breeze. They always felt like a hug, and comforted me to no end. You caressed me so tenderly that I felt as if the ground opened up beneath my feet and I started to fly. And your kiss- God, your kisses healed every wound on my fucked up, piece of shit heart. It was broken and it was ripped apart – and I honestly never thought it would do me any good. And then, there you came. Bringing all the little pieces together and making it beat stronger than it ever had before.

Would you mind being my spokesperson? I know I've already asked a lot from you. I just don't want to write to nobody but you. It's okay if you don't want to, though. But if you will, could you talk to Beth for me? Please tell her that with every sunny day, I will think of her and how bright her golden locks shined under the sunshine. Let her know that I'll never forget the sweet sound of her voice calling me _mama_. Please, tell her that she lives in my heart and that I'll always look out for her. I would like for you two to keep in touch. I know you two got along great, and it would be nice to watch you two together – from wherever I am. Because yeah, I'll always be watching you. I promised to take care of you forever, and I will. It's one of the few promises I'll be able to keep.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you goodbye. I knew you wouldn't let me go, and I just couldn't take any chances. _It was time_ , baby. There was nothing you could have done. How could I look in your eyes and tell you that I had to go _because_ you loved me? You loved me enough to make me realize that I didn't care about my happy ending as long as you had yours. And I know you will. Don't ever give up on it. I see that you're getting happy now. Even when I wasn't with you, I could still see you smiling. You didn't need me to bring a smile to your face anymore. So I know you will be fine. I know I have served my purpose. I hope you agree. I hope I made you happy, at least sometimes.

I hope you never regret me.

I would never regret you. I should have known that if razors weren't enough to get me a redemption, you wouldn't be either. I asked for too much, far more than you could give me. More than anyone could ever give me. I should have known. I had to be my own savior, but I was never the heroine type. I pretended not to know that for too long, but deep down, I always knew I wouldn't make far.

So this is it. It's not the poetic, happy ending that you wished for us. I'm sorry I couldn't give that to you. I hope you find someone who will – and I promise I won't be jealous. Well, I promise I won't be _too_ jealous. But you deserve everything you dreamed of, even if it's not with me. Your happiness comes first, my love. Always. And you can count on me to throw a lightning strike at anyone who tries to mess you with. Because really, I promise you, I won't be that far. I'll be right by your side, if ever you ever need me.

I have no idea how this letter turned out, and I'm getting too sleepy to read it again, but I hope you can understand what I want to say. I hope I made it clear that I love you, and that this wasn't your fault by any means. I hope that even if these words sound messy, they still make you think of me. I hope you find comfort in reading this, and that eventually you can read it and think of me fondly.

I hope you know that my heart is and will always be yours.

I love you the mostest.

 _Love,_

Quinn xxx

* * *

 _"And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call_

 _You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all_

 _But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you_

 _This is what I have to do"_

\- Missy Higgins


	41. She's gone: Chapter 40

Chapter 40 - She is gone but she used to be mine

* * *

 _Dear Quinn,_

I'm torn between thinking I'm a fool for answering, since I know you're not here to read, and thinking I need to apologize for taking so long. I know you've seen me crying, from wherever you are, and I apologize for that too, but I don't think it will ever stop. I can't think of laying down in the bed we used to share and not crying because you're not there to wrap me up in your arms. You're not in the cafeteria either. And the worst, no one is waiting for me when I come out of therapy.

I still can't believe you're dead, Quinn. Writing this feels so weird because I keep thinking that you're gonna walk through that door any minute and bring me a cookie and my world won't be so colorless anymore. But you won't. Our therapist says that I need to accept you're gone or I won't be able to move on. But I'm not sure I want to move on. And I definitely don't trust our therapist anymore. How could I trust her if she wasn't able to foresee what you were going to do? She was supposed to help you. She should have stopped you.

You've taken a part of me with you, baby. I might be able to be happy someday, like you wished. But I'll never be whole without you by my side. When you found me, I could swear I was done. I had no hopes. I was broken, in tiny little pieces, and you glued me together. But you've taken one of those pieces with you, and I fell apart again. And this time, I can't put myself together again because you took the most important piece of me. My heart is yours, Quinn. And you can take it. I can fake it. I've always been a good actress, and I managed to get everyone to believe I'm doing okay.

Is it weird that I can feel you? I know when you're around me, and those are the moments my soul feels more at peace. I've once read that being loved so deeply could you give you a protection forever, even if the person who love you were gone. And I feel this. I know you're looking for me. I know you're listening. So I have a few things to tell you.

You wanna know when I really broke down? It wasn't when I laid my head in your chest and realized it didn't rise or fall. It wasn't when I couldn't hear your heart beating. And it wasn't even when I read your letter. I knew my life was over when the doctor came into our room to confirm that you had in fact left, and he handed me a crumbled up piece of paper. He said he assumed it belonged to me. It took me a few minutes to be able to open it, and I completely dismantled when I realized it was my wedding vows. It was smudged, with tear drops on the ink, and it ruined me. The fact that even though you were going away you wanted to take something to remember me – it absolutely destroyed me.

Today, is the day I'm supposed to get out of here. I'm not sure if I want to, though. It saddens me to think that I'll look out of the window and won't see the willow tree we got married under. Being here makes me feel closer to you. And although it brings me the worst memory of my life, it also brings some of the best ones. Memories. I wish I could erase from my mind the day you went away. Quinn, you could never understand how terrifying it was to wake up with you dead between my arms. I know you can't understand, because I know you wouldn't have done it if you knew what it would cause me. I dreamed so many times of walking out of here with my hands in yours, that leaving without you seems pointless. But you know, I think deep down I knew it. I knew we wouldn't make it.

And still, baby, I could never regret you. I don't need to read your letter to remember you – you never leave my mind. I can't ever forget the sad, serious girl, who was forced to grow up too fast, who stole my heart and changed my life completely. You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met, Quinn, but I fell in love with your soul. And although you aren't with me anymore, I still fall deeper and deeper in love every day.

You loved me when I never thought someone could. You loved me even when _I_ couldn't. How could I ever thank you enough for that? You encouraged my every move, but you saw when I pushed myself too hard and you were always there to pick me up if I couldn't hold my own weight. I was alone before you, but you saw promise in me. I, too, tried to get better for you. If you had only given us more time, we could have made it. And we would be perfect together. I know that for sure. Time has always been against us.

I wish that when you woke up in the morning, you could see how elated I was to finally have your company again, even with messy hair and puffy eyes. I wish that when you were sad, you realized that no one could make me smile like you did. I wish that when you cut, you could see how my heart bleed out from so much pain. I wish that when you had doubts, you could see how I was always sure. Because in my own insecure self, this was the only thing I had no doubts about. I never doubted your love, and I never doubted my love for you.

I wish I could have shown you that.

I wish I could have more than memories with you.

I wish you could have seen that people _did_ care about you, Quinn. You were loved by so many inside this institution, even with your constantly grumpy mood. You just didn't let yourself see it. You just pushed them away. I wish you knew how close you were to getting out. I wish you knew that all that story about them keeping you in there forever was nothing but your monsters trying to get you down.

I have kept in touch with Beth. She's gorgeous Quinn, and she's so smart. You would have been proud, I'm sure. It hurts me to watch her, because she looks a whole lot like you. But I keep in mind that you are watching us, and I make this one more effort for you. I do it all for you. From the minute I get off bed to the minute I fall asleep. It's all for you, and it has always been.

One day, I'll tell Beth about you and me. When she's curled up between blankets, heartbroken for the first time, and when she doesn't want to talk to any one. I'll tell her about my first love. I'll tell her about this girl that came into my life and made me fall in love at the very first day. The girl that saved me only to destroy me later. I'll tell her about how I felt like I was going to die, and how I thought maybe if I died too I could meet you again. But then, I'll tell her that although it won't ever stop bleeding, now it can be held by a bandage. I'll tell her that although I get better everyday, I also miss you more and love you more everyday. I'll tell her about how I can finally go on with life. But that still, most nights I will have dreams with this girl and wake up with a racing heart that reminds that it's still there and it still beats for you and that although you are gone, it never stopped loving you.

Because in the end, you helped me after all.

I love you forever, baby.

 _Love,_

Rachel.

* * *

 _"And may my madness be forgiven,_

 _because half of me is love,_

 _and so is the other half"_

\- Oswaldo Montenegro

* * *

 **A/N: ** And so it ends Little Pieces! I want to thank every single one of you who took your time to read what I wrote, and in special a few of my favorite readers who reviewed every single chapter - you know who you are! This story would never be done without you.

I know this didn't end how most of you would have liked, but I hope you understand why it ended the way it did. Quinn expected too much from Rachel, and failed to realize she was the only one who could save herself. We are all heroes, we can all save ourselves - although it is important to have people we can trust to help us along the way.

If you ever relate to any of the feelings Rachel and Quinn go through during this story, _please_ seek help. You're important and you're loved, even if you can't really see that at the moment. I'm here if you need someone to talk to. I can't promise great advices, but I assure you I'm a good listener and I'll be there for you.

And least but not last - if you need a little cheering up after this, I encourage you to go read my new story - Interstate 95 \- and drown yourself in the fluffiness!

Again, thank you all for reading this! It was a nice journey :)


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